It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!

Agust D feat. IU – People, Pt.2

Jay Park can get IU in his video but Agust D can’t? What kind of backwards-ass world are we living in? Next thing people will be telling me that Han Seo Hee is still in jail for a bit of harmless 420 fun but Seungri “baby I’m not a monster I just organised a prostitution rape ring” is a free man going to clubs and partying…

IVE – I Am

Holy shit, this is great! Someone actually wrote a pop song for a pop group, imagine that. This doesn’t happen in k-pop anywhere near as much as it should. It really drives home just how incredibly low-quality most idol pop music is when someone actually bothers to make an effort.

Apink – D N D

I definitely rolled a 1 on my D20 concentration check when listening to this.

Kep1er – Giddy

Some cool bass really helps this song along (think about the debut Le Sserafim tracks, this sounds similar in its better moments) but there’s way too much vocally going on for you to really be able to appreciate it. If they just dialed back the stupid chanting a few notches we could have had something worth listening to here.

Heize – VingleVingle

Definitely the best song from Heize ever due to actually having a pulse, the only real problem with this is the video. Everyone who ever made a mobile phone format vertical video owes their fans two more videos for the same song just to make up the missing screen space.

BIBI – I Am

As usual Bibi looks amazing and the song is lagging far, far behind.

Mark – Golden Hour

The guitar riff is cool, and the swinging beat is also cool, but they sound like they’re from two completely different rock songs and every attempt in the song to stitch them together and get it to gel just falls flat on its ass.

KARD – Without You

KARD continue to do not much with very little. Probably the only group this year still reaching for that ‘tropical’ sound, just let it die folks.

Billlie – Enchanted Night ~ White Night

Someone asked and I don’t know if they caught the stream but the bass sound being different is due to it being a 5-string fretless. It’s definitely the best thing about this song which is fairly average otherwise and not up to the standard of their earlier tracks.

MAKAMAKA – Go! Go!

Not sure if this “behind” style video even counts, but whatever, song’s kind of boring so let’s just move on and I’ll be happily grateful now that I won’t feel pressured to write about this again if a proper MV drops.

1CHU – Siren

Not too bad I guess even if the vocals are a little bit soncially irritating. Nice lesbian dogwhistle video, we get lots of male content like this so it’s nice to have it the other way around every so often.

HORI7ON – Salamat

Before you make a “for the fans” video it’s worth spending a few years to accumulate those fans first, just saying.

Ryu Sujeong – Daydreaming

The other week I was driving by a bunch of people who were doing this mobile disco headphones thing and just sort of jamming out dancing by the traffic lights and my girlfriend gave them the finger and told them they were a bunch of fuckheads as we drove past. Of course they couldn’t hear but like with all good deeds it’s the thought that counts.

Kim Wooseok – Dawn

What is this slow, dragging nonsense. Bore me more, why don’t you.

LØREN – Panic

Loren should panic if anyone ever finds out where the YG document shredding truck dumps its waste. They probably don’t even crosscut properly.

Chen – I Don’t Even Mind

Chen knows about Megadeth, yet he makes shit music like this. How fucking sad. What do you mean Kpopalypse isn’t kind? Just not your kind.

Girls² feat. Apoki – Countdown

Who looks more awkward, the horrible CGI creation or the poor girls who have to dance and sing along with her.

Glen Check – Cactus, Cactus

Not their best but the cel-shaded video is pretty cool even if it only reveals how incredibly unanimated they are.

from20 – Bad Revenge

Actually really cool, they are definitely working hard to make a placement happen on my objectification survey, I hope you guys all remember from20 in two months when polling starts.

LiNCH – My Last

I thought the video was a cool idea, if more k-pop singers made videos that looked like they’d been punched in the face a bunch of times I might be more inclined to watch them.

21univ. – Coin karaoke

I liked this, it would work really well with a ton more guitar but it’s still not bad at all how it is. Like.

Deogi408 – Islander

Even the ‘indie’ groups are doing the Gfriend performing in water thing, probably to increase stage safety. There’s a reason why Chris P stans Gfriend, they paved the way.

Red.bit – Roller Coaster

I didn’t mind this but it’s definitely missing something. I feel like more organic instrumentation would have really helped.

Tanaka feat. Vince – Choose Me

Who? Not Hitomi Tanaka so never mind, instead here’s your weekly lesson in black music. Delvon Lamarr is a sweet organ player who you could support right now if you wanted, and he’s even better than he seems when you realise that there’s no bass player in these songs because he’s doing all the bass with the organ pedals, holy fuck. All three of these dudes are super sharp musically (and visually!) and seem totally relaxed but also notice how they watch each other like hawks for the cues, there’s some very subtle communication going on here. The next part of the music theory series on Kpopalypse.com will talk a bit about the dynamics of playing in groups so I’ll go into more detail then, in the meantime, enjoy some of the best trio instrumental playing you’ll hear in a while.

JUNO – Honestly, I Don’t Need Love Anymore

Times are hard where the person renting out the rehearsal space to you doesn’t even give you somewhere to park your scooter so you have to wheel it into the practice room.

Drummer Lee Juyeon – Fireball

Really not a song at all but just a showcase for this guy’s drumming chops, it’s entertaining enough but I’d still rather watch someone do an actual song.

MUSM feat. Babylon, JIIN – Wherewegoing

Where we going? Nowhere good, unfortunately.

Swings, Kid Milli, Yunhway, Raf Sandou, iiso – Step back b**** ‘cause I’m too fye

I’m actually enjoying this new asshole era of Swings and friends, even though he still has no beats.

Curlly, Paiddy – Purge Day

Purge day? Great idea, let’s purge all the other songs from roundup and stop it right here.

TV SHOW BULLSHIT part 1 BOYS PLANET ORIGINAL SONGS

En Butter – En Garde

Sexy uniforms are the best thing about what’s otherwise pretty average. At least it’s quick.

NINTYSIX – Supercharger

I actually liked the sped-up chorus, a refreshing change from the usual. They bore us to death with the other parts of the song instead, but hey if you’re going to make at least part of it good it might as well be the chorus.

Gguggugi – Switch

With that retro computer game intro I thought we were in for a cool chiptune style song but sadly it was not to be. Next.

Overdose – Over Me

I’m definitely over this.

Say Yes! – Say My Name

Not much of a song but I guess the ‘healthy porn for women’ school concept is kind of nice. MNet knows how to appeal to the MJH demographic.

TV SHOW BULLSHIT part 2 PEAK TIME ORIGINAL SONGS

(Song submitter note: Peak Time is a survival show where nugu or disbanded boygroups participate to gain some fame. Their group name are unknown until they get eliminated and the winner will get 300 million won, an album release and a global showcase)

TEAM 08:00 (DKB) – Coco Colada

Sounding out of tune and frankly awful, I think these boys have sealed their nugu fate.

TEAM 23:00 (The Boss/DGNA) – Chamomile

Apparently since this was shot, one of the boys in this group got caught partying with an ex-JAV star and the show booted his ass out. Seems cruel but makes sense when you think about it, after all partying with ex-JAV stars is supposed to be the endgame of this nonsense if you win and get the fame, so if you’re already doing that, what do you even need the show for… give the other guys a chance… anyway song’s not bad, nothing great but at least it’s kind of upbeat-ish.

TEAM 15:00 (BLK) – Nothin’ without you

The usual grinding slow boring slop. Watch the judges pretend they give a fuck.

TEAM 13:00 (BAE173) – Criminal

Not terrible. The chorus puts on the pace a bit, and there’s enough crouching in leather pants to satisfy people visually.

TEAM 14:00 (GHOST9) – Fever

Nothing much musically going on here of interest but you do get some glimpses of male torso to at least keep the objectification content up to standard.

TEAM 02:00 (NTX) – Circuit

Not much to report on here either, other than too much bullshit rap and not enough song. Ho hum.

TEAM 20:00 (M.O.N.T) – Like We’ve Never Been

They really shouldn’t pick falsetto vocal parts for these things. They’re just shooting themselves in the foot given that this is one of the very few contexts where they do use actual live vocal.

TEAM 24:00 (members from BAP, B.I.G, ToppDogg and Argon) – Be Mine

More comfortably in the vocal ranges of the singers, but still, not much of a song here. Next.

TEAM 11:00 (Vanner) – Skyscraper

That painful screaming, ouch. Were they given pants one size too tight so they could do that or what.

TEAM 07:00 (MASC) – Doesn’t Matter

By far the best song of everything in this shit TV show section. It really does help when there’s some actual melody that isn’t in the ‘only dogs can hear it’ plus a bit of subtlety to the arrangement.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

How to be irresistible 101 ft. Jia

Totally here to help you with your lives and not because of all the Korean men running along the beach, which I’m sure you’re totally not into.

KOOKIELIT – KPOP Idols Who SPOKE UP Against Debuting Minors

Interesting video and very true. However I think the focus on “debut age” is the wrong conversation. Fans always focus on debut age because fans are dumb narcissistic self-absorbed pieces of shit who think that it’s only when idols are presented in front of THEM that matters, but the truth is that it’s not the age at which the idol is exposed to you that’s important, it’s the age at which they’re exposed to the industry that’s the real kicker, and that happens long before debut. The video (perhaps inadvertently) makes this point when they talk about Jihyo, who debuted at age 18 but was in training for a whole decade before this. An idol who debuts at 18 still trained for many years behind closed doors before then, and behind closed doors is where the really bad things happen. So there’s two solutions to that – either keep the entire music world off-limits to anyone under 18 (which is essentially punishing the victims, as it’s gatekeeping the music world from every young person with a love of music, plus it will push the underage training system underground into even shadier places that are harder to regulate) or, reform the industry to make its practices more transparent and regulated so young people can be involved safely… which would probably benefit performers of all ages. Of course k-pop fans are basically unintelligent and love superficial ineffective solutions to complex problems so they’ll just continue to lobby for “no debuting minors” instead of “no harming minors”.

Infinite – Paradise

Definitely overshadowed by other much better Infinite songs at the time, “Paradise” wasn’t awful but it definitely lacks a certain spark mainly due to the plodding tempo. Just a little more leaning into the guitars and less into the easy-listening pace of it and this song could have really taken off, as it stands it’s acceptable anyway but is probably the sort of track that would benefit hugely from being played on a concert stage with a full live band capable of improvising and playing off the performers. Sadly that probably didn’t ever happen because k-pop is a sensible-music-choice-free-zone for the most part, oh well.

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That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!