It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!

Jimin – Set Me Free Pt.2

Sorry, not that Jimin, the other one you don’t care about. Move along, nothing to see here. Oh, and do my survey, caonima. Just using this review to remind you that my survey is now live because when I do every survey there’s always that one person who complains that they missed it and never got to do it and wished I’d promoted it more, here’s hoping that person is a fan of the other Jimin.

So!YoON! feat. RM of BTS – Smoke Spirit

It’s a good backing track but the vocals just sort of ramble along, everyone wants RM on their track so they can have their “Winter Flower” moment but the song has to be there in the first place before you throw the rap on top.

NMIXX – Love Me Like This

Good to see NMIXX dumping last year’s shit “change up” concepts in the bin where they belong, but sadly the damage is done – we’re going to have to put with every B to Z tier group copying them now. Their new song rambles a bit but the big riff in the chorus gives it enough structure to get it over the line.

PURPLE KISS – Agit

Obviously I want to like everything Purple Kiss do, but since my brain hasn’t been corroded from the inside by shit k-pop marketing and trendy social network bigotry, I’m free to be able to tell you without bias or judgement that there is no song here worth your time.

Huh Yunjin – Love You Twice

I can’t even love this once. Let’s be ‘just good friends’.

DRIPPIN – Hello Goodbye

Definitely the best song ever from one of the most unfortunately-named groups in k-pop, it’s amazing what a bit of actual pace and melody can do.

TRENDZ – New Dayz

Another genuinely good song. It appears to be the week of the boy groups with the crappiest group names having the best songs. Also it’s good to see the Paradise Diner back, oh how I’ve missed that place, we like never see it these days.

SUPERKIND – Moody

Not so keen on the song here but definitely full marks for school cosplay, CGI vine bondage and general over-the-topness.

Stray Kids – There

Terrible song coupled with pure first-person POV relationship porn. This is as cynically exploitative as any NewJeans video.

Stray Kids – Novel

And this is just the same thing again but at 2x speed.

Seulgi – 28 Reasons (CIFIKA Remix)

Seulgi had some garbage remixes this week and they’re barely worth putting in roundup at all so I’m just putting this one in because it reminds me of that time that hackers wired a computer up to an apartment block’s internal lighting and then played Space Invaders using people’s internal fluro tubes.

Minnie x Don Diablo – Making Waves

Better than the usual computer gaming power fantasy nonsense because at least the tempo of this song rips.

Bobby – Cherry Blossom

I guess it’s no shock that this just sounds like a cut-price mid-tempo BigBang song.

Amber – No More Sad Songs

If only! Amber totally missed her calling as a rocker and has been boring us with slow dreary ballads ever since leaving f(x).

TAN – It’s You (Memories of a year)

Fuck this shit ballad from TAN which sucks dick all day and night so here’s your weekly lesson in black music. Most of you will already be aware of the excellent rock group Living Color but you may not be aware of this specific performance, which was actually at the 1991 Grammy awards. Everyone expected them to come out with one of their radio friendly hits and they just said ‘fuck that’ and went with the very un-new jack swing sounding “New Jack Theme”, an album track which was much more representative of their sound overall. Living Color were very far ahead of their time in music fashion, fusing styles in ways that wouldn’t become commonplace in the pop world for at least another decade, they truly PAVED THE WAY for later style fusions. It’s also worth mentioning that Living Color only got a record deal in the first place because Mick Jagger was a huge fan who relentlessly pushed and pushed them in front of industry people who didn’t want to know. Yeah it really does suck and say a great deal about the racism that still exists, that the only time many black creatives in “non-approved” fields get the recognition they deserve is when powerful white people spotlight them, but that doesn’t mean those white people shouldn’t bother. Hence this entire section of roundup where I’m doing a Mick Jagger for all of you. Sometimes it’s good to have a 666-year old, bald, mostly-white cunt in your corner.

X:IN – Who Am I

Behind that white screen there has to be a bunch of people laughing at the expense of these poor girls.

Castle J, BIC, Win – Poggun

I like the ambient sounds but the rest of it is just too generic.

Y – If I Were The Wind

Y indeed.

Kim Jaehwan – Spring Breeze

I can’t decide whether that constipated whistle is a minus because it sounds so shit, or a plus because at least it gives the song a countermelody so your ears don’t have to lock onto the boring vocal.

Youngjae – Errr Day

What’s this guy doing ‘err day’, brushing his teeth?

JUNNY feat. Blase – Optimist

Look at the sun at 0:52, it’s hating this as much as we are.

Ulala Session – On My Way

I’m on my way… to the next song.

WSG Wannabe (GAYA-G) – To You

Note from the song submitter: “Gaya-G is a subunit of girl group WSG Wannabe. This unit is composed by Hynn, Soyeon (Laboum), Lee Boram (Seeya) and Jung Jiso (an actress best known for a role in Parasite)”. These facts I’ve included here because they’re a lot more interesting than this Davichi-ish mid-tempo ballad.

Jea, Yang Seungyun – Don’t Try Too Hard

Jea is always doing stuff like this, but nobody who liked Browd Eyed Girls liked them specifically for this sort of music.

Choi Jieun – Password 486

If you can’t remember the password for your 486 just upgrade and get a Pentium Pro.

Raon – Like Like

Some YouTuber gets stricken with the NMIXX “change up” disease, lucky us.

CODE KUNST feat. Gaeko, Mino – Jumper

I’m sure the filtered, dull sound is a choice, but it was a bad one.

Gaho – Love Me

I was waiting for the song to stop pissing around with nostalgia crap and actually get to what I clicked on it for, and then it just ended.

RUMKICKS – Punk Rocker

Rumkicks is punk rock drilled down to its most absolute basic, and for this style basic is good. Not so sure about the St Anger snare drum but I can let it slide.

CHROMANCE x Emetsound – Wussy Man (Earth Defense Force)

Our friendly song submitter again: “this song was a big trend on tiktok and every kpop group made this “challenge”, probably only now this song has a mv”. Pity that the song divorced from the viral silliness just sounds like generic gym music. I reckon let the aliens take over, fuck it.

Kidd King feat. Punchnello – Go Loud!

Rock isn’t always good. Sometimes, you’re just boring.

Soyumi – Lifetime workplace

This girl used to be in group Kiss&Cry… remember them? Don’t worry, nobody else does either. Because I know people will ask, April and October are the best outfits here.

CIFIKA – Hush

These are the people who fucked up that Seulgi remix and their own stuff isn’t any better.

Peppertones – Freshman

I refuse to believe that anyone in this band has ever pushed a VU meter that far into the red in real life.

Dilla Yoon – N!CE

Yeah, I don’t know either.

Ron with 1300, dress – Mosh

Could have been good but there’s just too much going on. Even the rappers are NMIXXing it these days.

BassHammer feat. oygli, Odee, Phillip – FTHB (F**k that Hype Boy)

That rare rap song these days where the beat is okay but the rapping on top of it doesn’t really excite.

Yng & Rich Records – Inception

These losers omg

Lil Taeyoon – Skrr!

Okay, we’ve reached the bottom. Let’s stop here.

RANDOM BONUS VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

DareDB – K-Pop Idols That HATE Their Own Songs (PART 1)

Thanks to the person who sent this in, I enjoyed this video a lot. The central point here isn’t whether these songs are really good or bad, but that opinions will vary, and that’s what roundup has been trying to tell you all this time, that it’s okay to have your own opinion and it doesn’t have to conform to the hive-mind that states that absolutely everything “eats”, is a “slay”, is “camp” or whatever. If it’s okay for even your favourite artsits to hate their own shitty songs, it’s okay for you too, and it’s definitely okay for me. That’s why I write so many of my reviews like absolute dogshit, because I want the light to go on in your head “I don’t have to listen to some asshole”. If you can reject my opinion, you can also reject all the opinions of other reviewers, of the media, of your fandom, of your peers, and make up your own mind about how you really feel about subjective things such as music. It’s okay to have an opinion, even if that opinion is “Kpopalypse is an asshole”. I’m happy for you to start there and work your way up.

dahyunsmile – kpop concept photos that changed society

This is literally, 100%, exactly, the same thing as me making a visual ranking list, the only difference is the wording has changed., but the intent is the same. The only difference is that I’m honest. “Changed society” is a euphemism if ever there was one.

Tiny-G – Minimanimo

For those who don’t remember or whose interest in k-pop doesn’t go back that far, Tiny-G were a k-pop idol group and their concept was that they were all even shorter than Shu. Check out the contrast here with this photo of Tiny-G and Nine Muses together, Nine Muses being specifically a “tall girl” concept group, this is mentioned briefly in their infamous documentary.

So how did such a group go, not very well actually, they only lasted a few years before calling it quits for whatever reason, nobody really knows why but one would rationally guess that in k-pop’s hypercompetitive scene they just didn’t make an impact and weren’t making ends meet. (Let’s be honest, even those of you who do know about this group probably temporarily forgot about them before I reminded you just now.) Mind you I only really care about the music and they had one really good song, unfortunately Minimanimo wasn’t it, that chorus hook is just a little bit too goddamn irritating, oh well.

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That’s it for the roundup! Remember the latest Kpopalypse survey is now live, so do it, caonima and have your say on my book, on Nayeon’s bunny teeth, on your favourite JAVs and other important issues affecting the world today! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!