It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!

RM with Paul Blanco, Mahalia – Closer (Decision to Leave Collabo)

Just go join the fuckin’ army already, geez. The longer you put it off, the more shit collabs we have to sit through. You’re seriously burning up your fans’ last remaining reservoirs of goodwill here.

Kep1er – I Do! Do You?

Definitely by far and away the best Kep-one-er song yet, and that’s not to say it’s great, but I’ll take some improvement over none at all. Basically it’s more or less the same thing as Viviz’ “Pull Up“, but with a slightly busier bassline and performed by people who aren’t Viviz, thus making it simultaneously easier and harder to care about.

FIFTY FIFTY – Cupid

Fifty Fifty have actually been pretty good since they appeared and this song isn’t bad either.

Chuu & Kim Yohan – Let’s Love

Someone told me that the Chuu and Kim Yohan collabs have been really popular. Apparently, planking was also really popular once. Popular <> good.

Epik High – Catch/My Way

We all love Tablo because he was shit on so unfairly just like T-ara was, but if he doesn’t pick up the pace of his goddamn songs a little I swear I’m going to go straight to his record label HQ and throw eggs at the building and miss and hit the gutter and cry somewhat.

PRSNT – La Vida Loca

Definitely not as good as the PRSNT songs from last year (and seriously why does every second song have to be called La Vida Loca these days), but a bad PRSNT song is still a good song by k-pop standards in general.

Shin Jimin – Sympathy

Isn’t it amazing how much better Jimin looks now that she’s not in AOA anymore. It’s like she’s actually human, all the botox I mean stress is gone from her face.

Chil Label feat. Choa – Siseon

Choa’s also looking very relaxed these days too plus very not like how she looked in AOA. There’s something about that group that just turns people into wax.

TXT – Devil by the Window

In this case the devil doesn’t have the best tunes.

BSS (Seventeen) feat. Peder Elias – 7PM

As if k-pop boy groups are allowed to eat a stack of pancakes that high. Notice how their plates are empty. You are watching the k-pop version of waterboarding.

Key – Easy

Key’s had some fantastic songs recently so I’ll let it slide that this new one here is kind of average.

Yesung feat. Winter – Floral Sense

Too many flowers going up the nostrils of whoever wrote this crap.

Hwang Minhyun – Hidden Side

Some guy from Nu’est tries to be Taemin like they all do.

LIMELIGHT – Blanc Noir

Your weekly reminder that there’s a girl in this group who looks like Kim Nayoon.

PURPLE KISS – T4ke

Ehhhhh this is boring.

HAWW – How Are You

There’s really a group that’s named after the sounds the people in Minecraft villages make.

Apoki – Mood V5

Generic as they come, what a waste of perfectly shit CGI.

Girls Re:verse – Time Takes Me To Love

Your favourite indentured slaves who flunked out of various A-list and B-list groups have now gone CGI in the hope that you’ll fall in love with them a little more if you don’t have to see their faces. Knowing that someone you like from a group is behind that crappy animation is really the only reason why anyone would give a shit. At least the song has some consistency even if it’s not great. We might be nearing the end of the style-switching trend, people.

Girls Re:verse – Like A Star

Their other song is a little better. I hope the girls are getting paid at least something, hope springs eternal I guess.

LUCY – Unbelievable

Not really into the song itself but the instrumental playing on it is nuts. Listen to that bass player go! Good to know that if k-pop doesn’t work out for him, he could probably fill in for Cannibal Corpse if Alex Webster breaks his wrist in a gardening accident.

ENHYPEN – Shout Out

Oh look it’s not-BTS doing a thing.

TFN – Mirage

I always appreciate the reminder to do my taxes, however it’s not tax time yet. Can someone tell these guys to do a comeback in November?

Park Woojin – Top Tier

The song sucks but the coin with his name on it is cool. That’s when you know you’ve arrived, when you mint your own coin just for a music video. I wonder how much my book costs in Woojins.

lilli lilli feat. Lee Mujin – Murphy

It’s okay, I’m mainly just enjoying the commitment to making everything grey. It’s like being trapped inside a 10cm album.

WOODZ – Abyss

Here’s a very personal story by Kpopalypse. This song is boring. The end.

Serri – Spotlight

It’s a bit depressing that this ex-Dal Shabet member actually qualifies for Nugu Alert given the low viewcount on her song.

Rock Hyeon – Over

I’m informed that this guy is from 100% but I feel like he’s only going at about 25% here.

SHAUN, Jeff Satur – Steal The Show

Definitely the best Shaun song ever, some cool sounds really make it shine.

Choi Jin A & Bubble X – Breaking up doesn’t feel like a movie

T-ara mid-tempo ballad feels with this ultra nugu song. I keep getting Bubble X and Bubble Sisters mixed up in my head through, why is that. Could it be that “Bubble X” reminds me of “Malcolm X” but Bubble Sisters reminds me of blackface? Not sure, but it’s a thing.

ONEOFF – Take My Hand

Speaking of which, it’s time for your weekly lesson in black music. The first recorded rap song wasn’t Grandmaster Flash, or Afrika Bambaataa, or even Blondie’s cringeworthy bars in “Rapture“, it was Blowfly’s “Blowfly Rap”, or maybe “Rapp Dirty” recorded in 1971, not sure which but they’re more or less the same song anyway. One of the great forgotten rappers, Blowfly would perform his X-rated raps in a blowfly superhero suit be he wasn’t all-gimmick, he was also a very capable singer, thus representing not only the first recorded rap but the first cross-pollenation between rap and R&B… and he was good! He was sadly quickly forgotten as a novelty when rap music fashion moved past him in the 1980s, but he got a late-career boost when he was signed to Jello Biafra’s Alternative Tentacles label, and started doing covers of punk songs just because he could. Clarence “Blowfly” Reid sadly passed away in 2016, a true pioneer of black music who was never really recognised, even by his own peers, but he was certainly well recognised by Kpopalypse before I even started writing – a punk band that I was in supported him when he toured Australia in the 2000s during his punk revival days.

JJANGYOU, Jflow, HYPNOSIS THERAPY feat. Hans. – Highway

Meanwhile I don’t know anything about this music here other than it sucks. I’ll always freely admit when I’m out of my depth. Someone else can tell you about this bullshit.

WACK – Cliché

Hey this is pretty cool. Not amazing, but I can listen to it, so it’s in the top 10% this week easily.

Yunsae – Stardust

On the other hand this is fucking great. I don’t know who this girl is but she just knocked your lame bias for six.

Leebada – Siren

You can tell when it’s not an idol because they’re allowed to actually eat the food that’s served to them in music videos.

verycoybunny feat. Kim Seungyoon – Walk to the moon

It’s okay but I wish the guitars weren’t such a wash. They should have gone further into the My Bloody Valentine type territory they’re aiming for and wash out the vocals instead.

MRT – Will You Be My Boyfriend

It’s actually really nice. No I won’t be your boyfriend but I’ll be your wingman and help you hook up with the cute guy in the library if that’s what you’re into, you’re welcome. Watch this review get taken out of context, gotta give my haters some fuel so they keep reading and being horrified, you’re welcome.

DIA – Unicorn

No, not that DIA. I’m pretty sure. They are so nugu these days I can’t even tell. Have they disbanded yet I don’t even know.

CAMO – Six Weeks + Bitchy

Jvcki Wai lite doesn’t get it.

Jeonain – Downpour

Cool sounds and atmosphere help lift this above the usual pack of dreary ballads.

RICH TAY ILLEGAL feat. YLN Foreign – Hop in the flow

If he’s illegal, can’t someone just arrest him and take his microphone and shitty drum machine away?

99’ Nasty Kidz – TikiTaka

I only see two of them here, where are the other 97? Getting music lessons, we hope.

La Poem – Anchor

I like La Poem not because of their music, but because they prove right everything I’ve ever said about vocals in k-pop – that nobody gives a shit. If singing quality actually mattered these guys would be where BTS are. By that, I don’t mean “desperately trying to put off joining the army as long as possible so by the time they get drafted they’re consigned to desk duties”, I mean “successful” – just to be clear.

Kim Hyun Joong – My Sun

Look at how far away Kim Hyun Joong’s orchestra sits away from him, a drone has to fly for like 30 seconds just to cover the distance. They’re probably afraid of getting injured.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

Korean kids meet Australians for the first time – Felix and Bang Chan of Stray Kids

“G’day mate” is a nice friendly thing to teach young kids about Australia and the Stray Kids kids do a good job here introducing the youngsters to the terrors of Australia in a polite, family-friendly way. Pity they didn’t teach the kids some other words that both Australians in general and Stray Kids specifically are known for saying…

KOOKIELIT – The real reason why female k-pop idols are scared of Korean men

tl;dr – for exactly the fucking reason you think. Yes my book touches on this stuff quite a bit, and the sequel (which will cover Hana’s “debut”) will go even deeper into extreme misandry and male suffering so expect it fondly. In the meantime thanks to all the readers who have been buying my book, by the time next roundup appears many of you will have read it already so please enjoy the trauma and no spoilers please in the comments kthx.

After School – Ah

Someone asked me what I thought about After School’s debut and I racked my brain for about five days trying to remember what the song even was, but I eventually remembered so this one’s for you, anonymous question person who asked. I find it hard to remember pre-Raina After School activitiy for some reason. Anyway the song’s alright I guess but it’s a bit nothingy in the chorus, not a lot actually happens apart from that one melody in the verse over and over, and that one other melody in the chorus over and over. Overall, it was definitely mostly up for After School from this point onward.

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That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!