It’s time for the first Kpopalypse roundup of 2023! Let’s take a look at some new releases!

NewJeans – OMG

NewJeans – Hurt (250 Remix)

The weak beat they’ve lazily thrown over it doesn’t make this boring song any better or worse, but at least they dialed down the creepiness of the video a few notches.

ATEEZ – Halazia

Average boy-isms, stan girl groups instead and save yourself this dullness. Well actually, after seeing what half the girl groups are doing, maybe stan no groups.

H1-KEY – Rose Blossom

H1-Key continue to remain good and a refreshing change from the bullshit that permeates k-pop as a general rule.

Monsta X – Beautiful Liar

Hey this isn’t bad, I dig the 6/8 rhythm and the fact that they recognise they’re on a good thing with that and stick with it instead of doing an NMIXX change-up. Well done.

GOT the beat (Girls On Top) – Stamp On It

Well, at least it’s not straight-up out of tune like their other song. I’m not wild about it, but it fits together and the lyrics aren’t a shameful incel-fest for once so I give this a hard pass.

SF9 – Puzzle

This song made me realise that the random major note over the minor passage trend is actually SM’s fault because they started doing it with EXO and SHINee and now all the groups ruin their songs with this sound.

ILY:1 – Twinkle Twinkle

If you’re going to do a shameless knockoff of an Oh My Girl song it might as well be their best one.

88rising & MILLI feat. Jackson Wang – Mind Games

Such a dull beat that neither Milli nor Jackson can save it, both of them sound like they simply have no idea what to even do.

SMTOWN – The Cure

If millennial whoops could save us from environmental catastrophe, the entire planet would have been cleansed 20 years ago.

TRI.BE – Would You Run

A new version of this song with slightly different backings but it’s still nothing all that great, but at least it’s not another train-wreck of a Queen cover. Given the current trend for switch-ups (thanks for nothing JYP) I’m genuinely surprised we haven’t got a shit k-pop knock off of “Bohemian Rhapsody” yet. Can’t wait to see who attempts that one.

Max Changmin, Taeyeon, Winter – Priority

My priority is to listen to something else.

ASTRO Moonbin & Sanha – Madness

Nice riffs and bass tone actually, but not so wild about everything that’s happening around it. Also why are they dancing around a piece of mould frozen in glass.

League of Legends feat. Soyeon of (G)I-DLE – Supercarry

Soyeon knows MOBA gamers don’t really listen to music so she just sort of pissed this one out.

Huh Yunjin – #1 Doll

Not much of a song but the video and lyrics are excellent. Of course fans won’t get it because they always pretend they can’t hear when it’s something about them.

SEVENTEEN – Circles

I like how they gave up and just started going “lalala” halfway through, probably a good decision.

BOYS PLANET – Here I Am

The latest hot trend with social networking kiddies with no life and no ability to read, is to complain that I don’t stan black music enough, so I’m sure they won’t mind listening to some peak-period Public Enemy instead of the latest total bullshit cringe music competition show song for fuckheads who should be killed, I’m sure. And I know what you’re thinking but while “Nation Of Millions” might have been Public Enemy at their most world-changingly influential (and it’s difficult to overstate how much of a big deal they were at that time, you had to be there I guess), for my money “91 Apocalypse” still had the best songs. The Bomb Squad really were innovators at the time, doing what literally no other producer could do for hip-hop and giving Chuck D’s political raps a fantastic, ear-shredding musical context that put them right up there with metal, but I really felt like the harder, more bass-heavy production of Gary G-Wiz suited their style a little more. These guys went HARD, meanwhile your precious R&B that you think I should like is mostly weak soft-ass shit.

DKZ – 2022 (Forever)

The title of this makes me think how in 100 years I won’t be alive and neither will anyone in DKZ. Looking forward to it.

JUST B – Ready or Not

A “Christmas gift” but not a Christmas song, so I guess it gets in, unlike the 2987 songs that were submitted that were all Christmas songs and not eligible. If a Christmas song misses the Christmas roundup, tough shit, it goes in the bin, nobody’s missing that trash.

VIXX – Gonna Be Alright

VIXX have just entered the mid-paced fuzzy jumper ballad part of their career, all boys groups that last long enough get here eventually.

Nine – Beyond

I love a good bullying k-pop video, and this is a good bullying k-pop video. I like it how the guys beat him up just enough to make him look hurt but not enough to make him look unsexy, it’s a fine line that you’ve got to get just right in your homoerotic bullying fiction content, well done.

E.SO – Dope

The girl from Berrygood nobody remembers does a solo song, and judging by the viewcount you won’t remember this either. However it’s worth a look, decent countermelody in the chorus saves it.

Haroo – Dream Message

I thought something was fishy about the editing here and then I recognised the statues from that Q6IX video. Oh my god it’s the same team. They’ve gotten a little better but still needs work.

Juniel – I Drink Alone

How hard is it to teach Juniel some taekwondo. A friend of mine learned that shit and became black belt, and then said it was a weak style and went on to BJJ and Muay Thai because he was bored. Good enough for his drug-addicted ass, good enough for some k-pop singer who should be at least used to the flexibility requirements. Come on K-Tigers let’s make these ballad videos more interesting how about it.

BOY STORY – For Us

It’s not bad but it’s on a sportball court so it loses points for this.

Yugyeom feat. Sik-K – Ponytail

Look at this, clearly objectifying women, but people will hate on me for pointing it out instead of the video director for making it. K-pop fandom logic is a reversal of reality.

Yerin Baek – Fuckin’ New Year

Yes it is a fuckin’ new year, the Brazilians just found that out because all the spoiled little wannabe MAGAs in that country started acting like dicks, what a shame. My concept artist for the upcoming novel is Brazilian so I hope he’s alright.

U-KWON feat. Woosoo – Wanna Do

This is one of the Block B guys who was apparently let out of his contract recently, so I guess that means he’s now going to join the pool of endless ex-boy band members making meandering R&B, lucky us.

Shin Youme – Stay

Oh wow, Primary can now finally sue someone else for a change.

S3GASU – I didn’t know them

Oh fuck, what is this greatness. The return of nugu park! Cool 80s style k-pop! You know you love it.

Tae Jin Ah – I have to live today, too

I don’t think he’s ever going to beat “I Love You, Darling“, and certainly not with this. Let’s hope he finds his form again soon.

Jo Gwangil x Koonta x Skull x Man1ac x Big Gee – Yaasan (Remix)

Imagine being on a rap collab with Gwangil Jo and letting him go first. It’s like that time Vinnie Paz wanted to go after RA The Rugged Man and just looked shameful. I mean, just give up at that point and let him do the whole track, seriously.

Dbo – Piece Of Cake

Hey look all your easily upset Americans he’s appropriating your American-flag-caring-about culture. Okay that’s probably not a good reason to hate him but can we make it one just because this song sucks?

MRCH – Love is a magic

Good satanists will know that “the lovers” card is actually a pretty shit card to pull in tarot because it doesn’t actually mean love, it means that you’re going to have to choose between two shitty options. Here I had to choose between deleting a Christmas song from roundup that’s actually quite good, or including one at the risk of rewarding people submitting me Christmas songs.

Lee Seung Yoon – Pricey Hangover

Picking this guy as possibly having a molka dungeon. Sorry but after Drug Restaurant I don’t trust medium-length-haired Korean boys singing in rock bands anymore. He ruined it for everyone, I’m sorry.

Bona – Seoul Night

Enough with the Seoul/soul puns please. I don’t actually know if there are any in this song or not, but there feels like there might be, and that’s enough.

Keith Ape – Hydro Ninja

It’s not good, in fact it’s not even average, why it’s not even listenable BUT it’s still the closest thing to an actual rap song Keith Ape has managed to create in quite a while. People think I’m negative but I give credit where it’s due.

Rockit Girl – Resistance

Rockit Girl saving the world once again, but a damn shame about that microphone positioning. I left Leeseul a comment, we have to teach them, folks. Wish them luck for their next video.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

Hynn ft. Gwangil Jo – Oprheus (live)

How about a live version of this great song from the 2022 favourites list with both performers actually singing it for real (a rarity on k-pop live stages)? You’re welcome.

ON HEART – ‘What if a homeless getting into a busking makes people get goose bumps?’

The chances of this not being a set-up in some form are about the same as Hana not destroying men in a frenzy of misandry in my new novel, but it’s still a good video to watch if you want to see people singing things. He fluffs a few notes but he probably had a rough night so cut him some slack. Sad that there’s people this talented without jobs, who have to live on the street, isn’t it. This is way more common than you can imagine, I personally know several people who have been homeless and who have outrageous talent. That’s why I always make it my mission to campaign for fair compensation for anyone involved in making or boosting creative activity (ahem). People think I’m just being a cunt, but there’s a method to my madness.

Velvet – Christmas Look Book & 2023 Calendar Set. Merry Christmas!

Anyway, did you have a good Christmas? I hope so! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from Kpopalypse and Velvet!

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That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup will return next week, and every week until December 2023!