The 2022 Kpopalypse Awards

It’s the return of the only k-pop related awards that matter – time to check out who is slapping who for alopecia jokes at the 2022 Kpopalypse Awards!

THE 2022 KPOPALYPSE AWARDS

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THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKEY LIKEY DIS TEAR” KOREAN NETIZEN TEAR EXTRACTION AND PRESERVATION AWARD 2022

Who specifically made Korean fans cry hardest in 2022?

Nominees:

Seonyou (CLASS:y) – for keeping accurate measurements of her male fanbase

Saerom (Fromis_9) – for telling it how it is

NMIXX – for plagiarising everything except actual good music

PSY – for wasting water that could have been used to make netizen tears

and the winner is:

SAEROM

“I’m sick of this fucking shit, I want to go home” might not seem like that much of a bold statement if you’re in prison, the army, or writing for a popular k-pop website without compensation, but in harsher environments like behind closed doors at a k-pop agency, you can bet that such statements will draw the ire of both fans and agency staff. Saerom however didn’t give a shit and let loose in true caonima fashion, only to pay for it later, so she’s probably being punished by having to make the boss’ coffee until further notice. She seems to have the right stuff for Kpopalypse.com so if her agency gives her the flick completely, she should get in touch, in the meantime enjoy your award Saerom!

 


THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKEY LIKEY DAT TEAR” GLOBAL K-POP NETIZEN TEAR EXTRACTION AND PRESERVATION AWARD 2022

Who specifically made international fans cry hardest in 2022?

Nominees:

NewJeans – for baking cookies, come and take a lookie, at their house only, come over and play, that’s how you like it, ain’t that right?

Some guy (BTS) – for being an excellent role model for today’s youth

Kim Garam (ex-Le Sserafim) – for being a lot more antifragile than Le Sserafim’s own fans

Loona – for successfully turning their own fans against their own company

and the winner is:

LOONA*

K-pop fans are noted hypocrites, who love to talk shit all day and night online about how morally upstanding they are, but are notoriously reluctant to stand up for what they believe in when it comes to what they actually consume, just look at all the k-pop fans who claim to be pro-woman yet still visit known k-pop revenge porn sites. However Loona’s disastrous crashing-and-burning during 2022 actually achieved the previously impossible and got lazy good-for-nothing k-pop fans to enact and enforce a boycott for fucking once. Now that’s star power deserving of a Kpopalypse award! [*only current Loona members depicted]

 


THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKE DIS LIKE DAT YEAH” K-RAP CREDIBILITY AWARD 2022

Who had the freshest, flyest hip-hop style of 2022?

Nominees:

Crush – for respecting the people who pioneered rap music so much that he won’t touch them without written consent

Loopy – for deciding that “real hip-hop” is nobody in Korea except him

Bassagong – for turning himself into the police for making shitty rap music (and maybe also molka)

Osshun Gum – for maximising his hip-hop credibility by being the uncleanest rapper ever

and the winner is:

OSSHUN GUM

Ever since Bobby from IKON declared that not showering was what real hip-hop was all about, it’s been hard to find a contender willing to challenge him for the throne of the hygienically-challenged rap gods. Never fear however as Osshun Gum truly saw an ‘opening’ to enhance his rap credibility, and his poo-eating rampage has well and truly placed him in the uncleanliness A-list. (Sorry Gowon you don’t get in this year, Loona’s just scooping too many other categories.)

 


THE KPOPALYPSE “SHUBIDUBI SHALALALA URIDURI YAYAYAYA” CROSS-CULTURAL K-POP SENSITIVITY AWARD 2022

Who raised more awareness of cultural sensitivities than any other idol in 2022?

Nominees:

Crush – for showing people from marginalised groups the health benefits of social distancing

Karina (aespa) & BoA – for reminding idols to stay sun smart

Nature – for showing their appreciation for multiple cultures simultaneously

Junyoung (ZE:A) – for proving that KIA drivers are the real oppressed minorities

and the winner is:

NATURE

There was no other serious contender for this particular category this year. Nature’s “Rica Rica” comeback was both confused and confusing. Nobody was really able to completely agree on where this concept was drawing inspiration from exactly, or what drugs the agency were taking when they decided to dump the look of “Girls” for this, but it was definitely a big pile of cultural something. The result was the spiritual successor to T-ara’s iconic “Yayaya” in both music quality and conceptual relevance, which had k-pop fans lining up around the block to be offended, even if they weren’t completely sure why (but if you need a reason, the music will do nicely).

 


THE KPOPALYPSE “C’MON C’MON MAKE IT, C’MON C’MON TAKE IT” AWARD FOR STUNNING ACHIEVEMENT IN THE FIELD OF K-POP GENDER RELATIONS 2022

Who did more to highlight important gender issues in k-pop in 2022?

Nominees:

Olivia Hye – for messing with her agency’s objectification plans

Seonyou (CLASS:y) – for keeping accurate measurements of her male fanbase

Jae (ex-DAY6) – for being better than JYP at giving Jamie something to sing about

Dohyun (MIRAE) – for appreciating the aegyo talents of up and coming female performers

and the winner is:

OLIVIA HYE

A detail about this website that many of the more casual readers miss because they’re too busy being disgusted by the thought of my super-tame ‘boobs posts’ – Kpopalypse has used objectification posts time and time again to call out the use of digital manipulation to unhealthily distort the presentations of idols’ bodies and set unrealistic image standards. Loona fans in particular often haven’t appreciated me calling these aspects of the industry out, because it took them five years of relentless abuse before they finally admitted that Loona’s company is shit and doesn’t deserve support, so it’s fitting that now Olivia Hye went into bat on the side of Kpopalypse, insisting that her label portray her curves as they really are. It’s a win for accurate representation of females in k-pop and a loss for batshit crazy stan culture. Have a well-deserved award, Olivia!

 


THE KPOPALYPSE “BLING BLING JEWELRY CHAIN” 2022 AWARD FOR THE K-POP PERFORMER MOST WILLING TO GO THE EXTRA MILE TO PAY OFF THEIR TRAINEE DEBTS

Who paid down their company debts in the boldest, most daring ways in 2022?

Nominees:

Loona – for launching a nine-pronged attack on their company’s bottom line,

Chuu (ex-Loona) for having more power to collect money from Blockberry than the rest of her group combined, yet leaving them anyway

mimiirose – for convincing some old trot guy to pay all their debts for them

Lee Seung Gi – for being rich enough to not even notice that he had debts at all

and the winner is:

CHUU

After years of grinning and bearing a starvation-level lifestyle in Loona, Chuu broke out and went on a massive paper-chasing rampage in 2022. Chuu used her growing status as k-pop’s aegyo queen to ink a gazillion deals with whoever was able to hold out a pen and paper in front of her long enough to wait for her to stop bouncing up and down. Even character assassination attempts by Blockberry and their media friends haven’t done much to dent the Chuu power, who looks well on track to recoup the costs of being in one of k-pop’s most wasteful agencies sometime next decade.

 


THE KPOPALYPSE “T-ARA LOVE” AWARD FOR THE 2022 K-POP GIRL GROUP DEBUT ABLE TO GENERATE THE MOST HATE FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON OTHER THAN BEING ATTRACTIVE FEMALES THAT OTHER LESS ATTRACTIVE FEMALES ARE JEALOUS OF

Who was the most fearless rookie girl-group punching-bag of 2022?

Nominees:

NMIXX – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

H1-key– supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

CSR – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

mimiirose – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

and the winner is:

MIMIIROSE

There’s a lot of strange reasons that people think up to hate on new k-pop girl groups, but you know k-pop fans are clutching at straws to justify their hatred when a group can be considered ‘problematic’ for literally not having a problem. K-pop fans have been crying out for years for groups to be debuted without being saddled with mountains of debt, so when a group finally debuted that was 100% bankrolled by some old male trot singer selling his song catalogue, did k-pop fans appreciate the fact that these girls wouldn’t be paying back huge sums of money? Of course not, this is a recently debuted girl group, so that means it’s always hate-train time, choo choo…

 


THE KPOPALYPSE “BO PEEP BO PEEP” AWARD FOR HIGHLIGHTING LACK OF K-POP FAN CRITICAL THINKING 2022

Who did more to reveal the stupidity of k-pop fans than anybody else in 2022?

Nominees:

Min Hee Jin – for actually convincing a reasonable chunk of NewJeans’ fanbase that they’re not making “healthy porn for men”

Kim Garam (ex-Le Sserafim) – for being a lot more antifragile than Le Sserafim’s own fans

Han Seo Hee – for being morally upstanding enough to be willing to go to literal jail just to take down YG, yet copping hate anyway

Soojin (ex-(G)I-dle)for being a very attractive bully (and making me type too many brackets in a row(goddamn (G)I-dle (fuck)))

and the winner is:

KIM GARAM

In yet another classic case of “k-pop fans never learn a damn thing from history because they are so fucking dumb”, everyone insisted that HYBE kick Kim Garam out of Le Sserafim due to very obviously exaggerated bullying rumours, just like Lovelyz’ Seo Jisoo and T-ara before her. HYBE, being more gutless and pathetic than most k-pop labels (remember Gfriend RIP lest we forget), of course complied with the fan requests, and only after the removal of Kim Garam was announced did more nuanced evidence surface to show that her situation was far from a one-sided case, something which should have been obvious to anybody with even the dimmest awareness of k-pop history. Kim Garam may not have a group any more, but at least she picks up this final award from Kpopalypse!

 


That’s all for the Kpopalypse Awards for 2022!  Hopefully you have enjoyed tonight’s presentation!  Please make your way out of the auditorium in an orderly manner and remember to maintain at least 1.5 meters from k-pop’s stupidity at all times!  Kpopalypse will return!

8 thoughts on “The 2022 Kpopalypse Awards

  1. Very cute defense of Garam here, but the real reason everyone wanted her out was because she added nothing to the group to begin with. Couldn’t dance, couldn’t sing, and couldn’t steal cameras off anyone else. At that point what has she done for the group besides give them bad press? Same exact situation with Lucas of NCT. Maybe he had some fans, but most saw Lucas as dead weight anyways. Better to simply cut your losses. Both groups have only improved since the removal of either member.

    • This isn’t true. Garam has a lovely voice, as can be heard on Sour Grapes, Blue Flame and other songs on the debut album. Whether or not you like her as a person, she was talented. The group has adapted well to not having her vocals in the mix, and it’s good for the other members because it means more lines/screen time for all of them. Arguably, she also

      Also, expecting a child to ‘steal cameras off’ 2 industry veterans (Chaewon and Sakura) is unrealistic, as evidenced by the difficulty Eunchae had in getting popular until she got centred in the Antifragile MV and performances.

      • Oops, should say ‘Arguably, she also has a similar vocal colour to Chaewon, so they were able to give many of her non-chorus lines to Chaewon without it being too jarring.’

      • I’m afraid Garam simply sounds shrill and one-note to me. She does not stand out against any of their more competent vocalists. Of course there are worse vocalists in the group, but that does not make her “good”.

        Funny you say Garam shouldn’t be expected to be a stage powerhouse. Neither Eunchae nor Kazuha have any difficulty being interesting or fun on stage, and they’re brand new to the industry. Yunjin steals attention away from all of them on nearly every performance: almost always being more attention-grabbing than Sakura, who has been an idol for half her life.

        Garam being a child is simply not a valid defense to me. If you get all the same responsibilities and fame as your industry superiors, you should be subject to the same criticism. Frankly, I don’t think children should be debuted at all, but that’s another topic for another time.

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