It’s time for the Kpopalypse 2022 clearing house post! These are a bunch of songs that came out at the very tail end of the year that missed the roundups, plus some other songs requested by you the reader that also missed roundup during the year – let’s go!
NCT DREAM – Candy
Other than the superior production quality that 20+ years of making songs has taught SM since the scratchy days of H.O.T, this isn’t any better or worse than the awful original.
NewJeans – Ditto
HYBE and co. overcompensate wildly, with MJH no doubt screaming at her computer “you want age appropriate, well FINE THEN I’ll take them back to the fucking high school they came from, see how you like that, assholes” in a complete 180 degree shift to her usual sub-Rotta aesthetic. The results are stylish and the song is probably their best yet but the visual similarity to “Rough” hurts because it’s a stark reminder that this unsatisfying musical fluff is what the company sacrificed Gfriend for.
Kai, Seulgi, Jeno, Karina – Hot & Cold
Just some throwaway dance track that’s been saved up for the end of the year when nobody really cares, definitely all the work here has gone into the choreography and not the music.
CSR – Anding (&)
Nothing to get excited about – CSR in shit ballad mode sound exactly the same as any other k-pop girl group in shit ballad mode.
PIXY – Trick or Treat
A little late for the Halloween concept but whatever, the song isn’t that great anyway so I’m pretty sure few people will even notice.
ITZY – Snowy
I somehow missed this one from the Christmas post, probably because the existence of it threw me a little – the song has a dark mood that just doesn’t fit the theme whatsoever. Anyway it’s not as intolerable as some of Itzy’s other messes lately but I won’t listen to it again probably.
EVERGLOW – Don’t Ask Don’t Tell
I also meant to put this ode to US military policy in but I just forgot about it for some reason, whatever, it’s not that good.
SECRET NUMBER – Slam
The secret number is still two.
P1Harmony – Better Together
Better apart if you ask me.
Yabbi – Body Cream
Why do Korean girls always get these scratchy-ass tattoos that look like shit. Girls in my neighbourhood could show them how to tatt right. Rest assured that any k-pop girls who get a tattoo in my upcoming novel will make a better show of it than this.
Stray Kids – FAM
Are people still calling me a Stray Kids fan just because I liked two songs in a row of theirs back in 1973? Just the possibility that I might be a fan seems to annoy people so I don’t mind claiming it just to annoy others, but the group are making it fucking hard to do so with a straight face when they release trash like this.
A.iRiD – Super Freaky Girls
Just another slab of total shit which sounds like 95% of the girl groups now.
Moonbyul – Chemistry
Moonbyul released a bunch of stuff at the same time and the rest of it is in the Christmas roundup, but don’t worry her non-Christmas song isn’t any good either. At least she looks good while making shit music, her costume and styling game is always on point lately, must be her new girlfriend’s feedback helping thigns along.
WayV – Diamonds Only
There days you don’t need to underpay a bunch of people from a third world country to mine for real diamonds, you can just create diamonds artificially now. The way it works is that you just get something you don’t need, like a shit SM boy group comeback, and crush it really hard in a machine.
WayV – Phantom
Still kind of on a diamond theme here with the lame jewels and fuck knows why, but they really fucked the chorus up hard here. That fourth sequence in the harmony is just the wrong, wrong, wrong choice each time it wraps around.
JUST B – Night Stroll
What does the B in “JUST B” stand for? Bad? Begone? Botched? Botulism?
JUST B – Ready Or Not
Boring Boy Band Bullshit Best Begone, bye!
PROWDMON x LAS – Run Run
The video has a whole bunch of people running but not really going anywhere in particular, and the song feels like that too, so I guess it’s a good fit.
Younghoon (ONEWE) – Moonlight Shadow
I love it how he mimes the keyboard solo at 1:10 but couldn’t be fucked miming any other part of the song. It’s always a red flag and a sign of a massive ego when someone is obsessed with soloing and nothing else, don’t hire this guy to be in your band folks.
n.SSign – Woo Woo
What’s with that “duck dance” thing in the chorus. Calling it now, these guys are moonlighting as male strippers to fund their k-pop activity and this video is nothing but a resume so new nightclubs on the agency’s books can go shopping for who has the perkiest ass, then freeze frame and mark out the video, send it to the CEO and say “I want that one”. You think I’m making this up but you would be amazed how many nugu k-pop videos are created for exactly this reason.
Soyou – Dolls
Remember that time when Sistar’s Soyou had excellent covers of Nine Muses songs? I don’t either.
LIONESSES with Mi-no – It’s ok to be me
Definitely the best song that Lionesses have, which is saying virtually nothing given how completely awful all their other songs are, they at least restrain themselves from the usual vocal nonsense here and the backing track isn’t terrible. I support their message 100% but what if “homosexuality” was just MBC’s convenient excuse to ban them and they really are just badmusicphobic.
Vernon – Black Eye
I think this is some kind of reverse chronological video, where the thing that Vernon does at the start before the song plays is actually his reaction after hearing it.
Ash-B – My Name is Money
The thing is, Ash-B knows exactly what she’s doing and is completely in control here, or at least completely aware (like NCT were with their “Hot Sauce“), whereas your favourite k-pop bias with their pedo-pandering Rotta-ish concept about a snack and definitely not anything else oh gosh no probably had no fucking idea that they were being sexualised by stealth.
My name is Moontaesik feat. Sigarddy Low, Kerrigan May – Dream Team
You know a beat needs serious work when Kerrigan May can’t save it.
JUNIEL – Dear
Look at her gaze at that picture of herself playing an acoustic guitar from years ago, “what a mistake that was” I’m sure she’s thinking. Disappointing lack of martial arts moves here give that she’s on K-Tigers label though, Juniel taekwondo debut when.
Untell, Will Not Fear ft. Swervy – Limbo
Swervy makes anything better.
Apink CHOBOM – You Are The Inspiration (I Will Give You All Reply)
Apink’s subunit to occupy us while the others are still healing from the surgery has been a real let-down so far. The opening was right there for some Orange Caramel fun and they were like “nobody at the company remembers how to do songs like that, here’s a ballad go away”.
SOHA – Sweet & Sorrow
I bet JYP is jealous of those pants, I know they’re not see-through but for some reason I just think cheap vinyl is his thing and I’m not talking about crate-digging at the record store.
COCONA – Twinkle
“Girl just be yourself” sung in generic “indie voice” that’s just like everyone else just doesn’t sit right somehow.
2Z – Back Back Back
I took their suggestion and hit ‘back back back” on my browser, and I felt better for it – thanks for the tip.
Eternity – Snow Holiday 3:50pm
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CLEARING HOUSE SHIT – SOME OTHER SONGS THAT MISSED ROUNDUPS
Earring – Machina
Actually really good, I’m bummed that this group slipped under my radar, so thanks to the people who pointed them out (there was more than one of you). In fact they had other songs and I won’t put them here but they were good too, you should click on these guys’ videos a lot because they are vastly unpopular given the quality here and I think a third of their views at the moment are just from me.
Gukjeondan – Sarangtori
It’s weird to see the combination of new instruments and traditional style vocals, it’s a combination that doesn’t work that well but hey it’s different.
Artbeat – Aphrodite
Apparently one of those “dance groups” that decided to have a crack at something original. It’s not very good, coming off like a super-weak version of CLC’s “Me“, oh well.
Crowd Lu x The Black Shirts – Dream Like Me
These guys are all about posing out in the supermarket but their shopping decisions are poor. Don’t buy Kikkoman’s green label “less salt” soy sauce, as they just replace the salt with extra additives, just buy the regular soy sauce and use less of it in your food.
Seomingyu – Guilty Pleasure
A pretty good budget Taemin attempt, I see the “room with paintings on the walls and huge chess pieces on the floor” is getting some more use.
Minimani – Dance Dance Dance
The backing track is actually decent but the vocals are snore snore snore.
Lucidream – The Remaining Story
Not quite musically coming together with all the changes but still way cool, I’m all in on the “Korean live idol” thing and I wish more of them would pull their fingers out and do music videos even if it’s cheap stuff like this, just so I can put them in roundups and easily keep track of them. Girls be ambitious!
Lucidream – Magical Drop
Their other song is a bit more musically consistent if also a bit less exciting. It’s still a net positive, I definitely stan.
Apink CHOBOM – Oscar
Live stages on an actual live set rather than a TV show don’t really get a pass for inclusion because the sound quality licks balls, but I’ll reluctantly include them if it’s on the groups’ official channels, I suppose. At my discretion because I don’t want 235987 of these, which is why this rule exists. Anyway it wasn’t worth the bother here, only the chorus is good and whoever thought up those wigs needs a good slap.
Fu Yaning – Ning
This isn’t eligible for roundup as Fu Yaning is completely out of the k-pop world now, which was why I missed it the first time, but I’m just putting it here to remind you that she goes up and your bias doesn’t.
TRI.BE – True
Songs for ads on the other hand ARE eligible, as some of k-pop’s greatest songs ever have been commercials. This isn’t one of them.
Viviz – Love, Love, Love
People suggested I review this and I swear I already did but I couldn’t be bothered checking because Eunha’s outfit will at least give me an excuse to properly re-read this clearing house post once it comes out.
MuuTive – aHHa
You know they’re nugu when they couldn’t even be bothered removing the gaffer tape from the floor to mark out positions so the girls know where to stand, or even the roll of used tape for that matter.
Xeuda – Through A Tunnel
Yeah, not very interesting.
Xeuda – #2 Blade
I actually enjoyed watching this live performance a bit more because even though the song isn’t all that great, seeing it being made is interesting, and unlike most ‘live’ videos this one actually is live.
Treasure – U
A bunch of you requested this song for clearing house, but I DID cover it back when it came out and you all just can’t read. My god, when my novel comes out is there anyone on the planet left who is actually going to have the reading comprehension required to get through it, I wonder. Anyway, here’s the new Lovebites song instead I promise it’s way better. Their new bass player Fani is a really good fit, arguably even better than their previous member as Fani has the extended technique to match the rest of the group. I don’t like this as much as “Glory To The World” but it’s still pretty damn good and I feel like it’ll grow on me.
LAST BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS FOR 2022
Izzyful – Metallica ‘Orion’ acoustic guitar cover
Not the easiest song in the world, but doing the entire thing on steel string acoustic guitar definitely adds an extra layer of difficulty!
TOWMOO – What’s the most difficult song for the world’s top class guitarist?
I hope you’re enjoying my guitar videos because there will be a lot more of them in 2023!
Song Jieun – 25
I’d just like to say thanks to Gfriending from Lissa Caonima’s TikTok comments, for turning the “Kpopalypse Hot Takes” TikTok comments sections from a boring predictable mess of ad hominem and generic Gen Z bigotry into the most random and entertaining thing ever, inspiring lots of clones in the process. Even though none of the clones have a hope of capturing Gfriending’s erudite charm, Gfriending should take it as a compliment anyway because imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, and that’s the “rundown” on that. Not talking about the song here because it’s clearly what the fans want. If you’re upset remember that somehow this is all Chuu’s fault.
That’s all for roundup for 2022! Stay tuned for the Kpopalypse top 30 favourites and 30 worst songs, coming your way soon!