Kpopalypse’s roundup of 2022’s cum-gargling Christmas k-pop smegma

Christmas time is here!  Please now enjoy your Christmas gift from Kpopalypse, yes it’s the Kpopalypse Christmas songs list for 2022! Will there be good songs or will it be like getting socks for Christmas again just like every other year? Read on to find out?

Christmas is here and we all know what that means, presents for everyone!  As giving and receiving presents is the only valid meaning of Christmas that has any cultural relevance whatsoever, please now open your aperture of choice and get ready to receive your gift from Kpopalypse – this collection of all the shitty Christmas songs that were released this year! Well, okay, probably not all of them… but certainly all the ones that you’ve got even the vaguest hope of caring about.  Let’s get to it!

Eligibility rules for this list:

  • Released in 2022
  • Songs are presented in chronological order of release
  • Christmas k-pop concepts only! Generic “winter”, “snow” or “seasonal” k-pop concepts with no specific Christmas content do not qualify!
  • Songs must have some form of official MV even if it’s just a video where Zico’s golden phone plays molka with Christmas wallpaper in the background
  • Original songs only, or covers that I don’t know are covers because I’m an uneducated heathen satanist who couldn’t be bothered taking time out from sacrificing virgin goats in the cave underneath Bohemian Grove with Hillary Clinton to research Christmas songs
  • I probably forgot a few songs, please don’t add them in the comments below because nobody cares, I will just delete your fucking comment for the good of humanity, we’ve all had enough of this bullshit thanks so much for understanding, uwu

 

November 23rd – NMIXX – Funky Glitter Christmas

NMIXX are here to kick off the Christmas party for 2022, and oh boy, lucky us. Surely JYP’s new “let’s switch styles every 30 seconds just because we can” concept group can at least get a Christmas song right, yeah? Well, no, unfortunately – the disaster starts at 0:52 with what is definitely the most awkward musical gear-change I’ve ever heard in any Christmas song to exist ever since Mary Magdalene forgot the condoms, and if you think that’s the only time you’ll hear that particular musical hiccup, think again. At least NMIXX are consistent at one thing which is being a massive confusing botched mess. Also, what’s with that “another year another round”, “this year we’re going to bring back the funk” etc monologue at the start? JYP, you only debuted the girls this year, stop making them talk like this is their tenth time doing this crap.

November 27th – Lee Hyunwoo feat. Kim Kwangmin – Brand New Christmas

Of course most Christmas songs aren’t even as good as NMIXX’s horrible garbage, but are just boring treacle-infused ballads that make even the regular cookie-cutter generic variety k-pop ballad where they just copy-paste the exact same dynamic template onto everything sound like masterworks of creativity. Even your great grandmother can see more talent in Slayer than this trash, even if she wouldn’t voluntarily listen to either.

November 29th – Jihoon – A Fairy Tale

Now it’s time for the ultra nugus. Someone needs to teach this girl about word processors.

December 1st – CheongHae – Dear my

At first glance this doesn’t seem like a Christmas song but at 1:19 they’re decorating a Christmas tree so fuck this song, it can go in here. Anyway it sucks just as much as anything nugu group Diawings have done as a full group and there’s really nothing to see here.

December 1st – Jaurim – Mister Klauss + If it snows on Christmas day

Jaurim are one of Korea’s most popular and well-loved rock bands, but you would be forgiven for not believing me after listening to this nonsense. The music does pick up in the second half where they go into the second song but this is still a geriatric loser’s idea of what rock music sounds like.

December 1st – Stella Jang – Winter Dream

A song so light and airy that it will blow right out of your memory as soon as you even hear it, it’s hard to even get all that upset about its existence. Stella Jang does look nice in the various vaguely Christmassy outfits so that’s a positive.

December 1st – Xdinary Heroes – X-MAS

I’m not even sure if JYP’s latest generic boy “rock” group even know what Christmas is, as their concept comes off like something between Christmas and Halloween for I’m not sure what reason.

December 4th – Lee Boram, Punch, Baek Yebin – White Christmas

Punch in non-OST mode isn’t enough to even save herself let alone these two MBK refugees. The song isn’t offensively bad but you’ll struggle to remember how it even goes a minute after you’ve heard it.

December 5th – YEBERO – With The Lord

I’m not sure if “worship music” actually even counts for Christmas posts given that Christians have no idea about the true meaning of Christmas. It’s not about your cloud guy alright, we’re here to get presents so stop ruining our fun. At least this has a 5-string bass guitar solo, not every day you hear one of those in a Christmas song.

December 5th – Yoon Jisung – December. 24

Why does he have the most fucked up dog plush on his shoulder for the entire song, talk about not meeting required dog stanndards

December 5th – George & Chuu – Dear My Winter

George is Chuu’s psychologist and has suggested that toning down the aegyo and singing a mellow unexciting Christmas song might be just what she needs to help recover from her Blockberry trauma. I wonder how it’s going for her, those eyes are giving nothing away.

December 5th – Chanju – Snow Man

I’m pretty sure that’s not what a “snow man” is supposed to look like, they should have called it ‘doona man’. Also why does Chanju’s voice sound exactly like a theremin at 1:17, a little bit too much of the artificial computer vibrato I suspect.

December 6th – Soyeah – With Me on Christmas

More fuzzy jumper coffee-shop jazz. Watch her at 2:39 where she’s clearly stifling a yawn and trying not to show it. Relatable.

December 7th – Lee Seokhoon, Younha, CIX, Cignature, EPEX – Merry Merry Christmas

The Christmas collabs are now here, here’s C9 Entertainment’s crack at the usual Christmas “let’s feature all our idol artists in the one thing” Christmas gang-vocal pukefest and it’s pretty tragic and cheesy. At least it’s also upbeat and everyone’s dressed nice, it could have been worse, it’s actually better than about 50% of both CIX and Cignature’s feature tracks.

December 8th – John Park – Love Again

Looking at the cheapness and ugliness of this I was expecting a mega nugu viewcount but apparently over half a million people subjected themselves to this. That’s another half a million people who won’t know how to use a Shure Super 55. I’m really fighting an uphill battle with that, aren’t I.

December 8th – Maijin – Your smile

Another song that’s pretty awful but at least the beat is fast so it’s over with quickly. I’m trying to keep these reivews short so the pain of writing this post is also over with quickly.

December 9th – Weeekly – Happy Christmas

Ex-Weeekly member and ex-Kpopalypse sidebar girl Jiyoon would have really suited this concept. They should have paid her a million dollars just to be in it, she’s the only thing that could have saved it. As it stands, this is unwatchable and unlistenable.

December 11th – Siha – Christmas Present

Just another ballad but I’m always impressed by these Korean artists and their ability to find colour-matched microphones that fit their video theme. Do you know how hard it is to find decent quality microphones that aren’t black in a music store?

December 11th – DooRi – White Snow

The funny thing about trot Christmas songs is that they don’t really sound any different from trot normally, or at least the shit ones certainly don’t.

December 12th – WEi – Special Holiday

I’m always astounded when I see the Nugu Park roundabout actually turning. I’m convinced there’s a bunch of people just outside of the camera shot, pushing it.

December 12th – Jung Seung Hwan – My Favorite Winter

Nothing that great here either but at least they have the full band in and it’s not super-slow.

December 13th – WEi – Gift For You

WEi back again with their ‘proper’ Christmas concept video this time and it’s cheesier than their other song but also maybe slightly better, just a little. Still pretty awful though, nobody actually wants this.

December 13th – CIELOGROOVE feat. TAN – Everyday Christmas

Well they really couldn’t be fucked putting any effort into this one, just sticking to very non-Christmas studio footage for most of it. It’s actually kind of better when artists phone it in like this because at least I know they probably weren’t heavily traumatised, which is important, right Loona fans.

December 14th – Red Velvet x Aespa – Beautiful Christmas

Of course they can’t stick to one beat or anything because it’s SM, but imagine actually being Winter, imagine the puns you would get at this time of year. It must drive her wild. I bet the other girls give her heaps of shit with the puns and she has to talk to her therapist about it on a regular basis, but it could be worse, at least she gets nine months off. She could be named after days of the week like those girls in Weeekly, there’s no escape for them…

December 14th – Jena Powder – White Christmas

Yes it’s an Autotuned R&B/trap Christmas, I’m not even joking. When the first part of the track shut off I thought “maybe they’ll do a real song for the rest of it” but actually they just went into the same thing but slower and even more boring.

December 15th – SUPER JUNIOR – Celebrate

Super Junior’s Christmas song is actually better than the last five years of Super Junior comebacks, who would have picked it? Shindong does look like everyone else’s dad though, I thought he was slimming down a few years ago but I guess not. Notice how they give him about two lines in this, I guess someone’s been naughty this year.

December 15th – Kim Youngchul – Mintchoco No.5

It’s worse when “indie” artists do it because they actually have a choice, and thought this was the right one.

December 16th – WSG Wannabe (4FIRE) – Our Season ()

According to my Christmas song submitter (who went through a great deal of sacrifice to submit songs for this roundup, I salute you) “WSG Wannabe is a project group composed by female ballad singers and 4FIRE is one unit composed by Uhm Jiyoon, SOLE, Navi”. The result sounds as good as you might expect, given those conditions.

December 16th – Han Lee I & Jang Wooram with MMS Friends – Must Have Love (2022)

A remake of some old BEG Gain collab song, but nobody cares because this just sounds like everything else.

December 16th – Chunji – Too Late

I like how one of the books is “A Theory Of Justice”, my theory of justice is that abolishing Christmas ballads may make the world more just and fair for all, someone should try it.

December 16th – MINIMANI – This year was good

Actually it WAS a very good year for k-pop, as you’ll all find out soon enough when I start revealing the honourable mentions and favourites lists in a few days. Minimami didn’t really help much with that though, but I’ll still let them celebrate, because to be honest I probably helped even less.

December 17th – AB6IX, BCD, YOUNITE – Hugs

All the guys from Brand New Music get together and do this horrible Christmas collab because I guess girls are too smart for this shit.

December 17th – Heo Kyughwan, Youngki, Ahn Sunghoon, Jung Dakyung, Kang Yeseul, Kim Sunkeun – On Christmas

These girls weren’t too smart though so they have to be sandwiched between a bunch of men pretending to care about Christmas, sucks to be them.

December 19th – Lee Sujeong and Lee Woo – The Miracle Of Christmas

The only real miracle this Christmas is that I actually bothered with one of these posts at all.

December 20th – Mirae – Snow Prince

It’s Christmas at the Paradise Diner everyone! Weirdly, the song’s actually not too awful, it’s amazing how well you can do with songwriting once you’ve had a thickshake or two.

December 21st – Hello House – Hello Christmas

More weird genre-hopping, tempo-changing nonsense, I really didn’t expect this trend to get into the Christmas songs this year but there we have it. I guess this year Santa really was in our area.

December 22nd – Moonbyul – Present

If you’re looking for winter clothes that also expose your midriff, then Moonbyul has got you covered with several styles here. All she needs now is someone to teach her how to hold a microphone.

December 22nd – Moonbyul – A Miracle 3 Days Ago

On the other hand if you want more realistic winter wear, Moonbyul is also looking after your special needs with this video.

December 23rd – Seori – Cinderella

Seori’s wishing you a very grunge Christmas with the flannel pajamas. Did you know that Kurt Cobain wasn’t born on December 25th, and neither was Jesus? More amazing Christmas coincidences coming your way next year at Kpopalypse dot com.

December 24th – woo!ah! – Merry Christmas In Advance

The last Christmas song in this list is also one of the most tolerable… thanks woo!ah! for only sucking a little, we appreciate it.

BONUS RANDOM CHRISTMAS VIDEOS

This streamer has a Christmas tree in the background of her video so she’s relevant

Look at it. Look at the Christmas tree, it looks good.

Q6IX Christmas Fanmeeting

Here’s what an incredibly nugu fanmeeting looks like. As you can see, you get a much better experience as a nugu fan because you actually get to spend a reasonable chunk of time with your bias instead of being shuffled along in the queue after three seconds, because hardly anyone else is even in the line apart from you. Look how slowly the queue moves even in the scenes with time lapse photography on. Also, performers at the ultra-nugu tier are often genuinely grateful for fan support as they receive so little of it. In other news I see this group have already lost a member, I guess freedom was what she wanted for Christmas.

Viviz do some Christmas decorations or something

Viviz fuzzy jumper game > your bias’ fuzzy jumper game

Wonho also does Christmas decorations

Wonho didn’t have a “white miracle” to share with us this year, I guess he spent all his Christmas balls in 2021, but at least he made a wreath so you can enjoy staring at his round ring!

Diawings 2022 Christmas film

Have yourselves a very nugu-appreciating Christmas!  Also, mrds

Alexa – Alexmas 2022

And here’s 20 minutes of Alexa who seems seriously into the whole bit. I could honestly watch Alexa all day. Looks at the seriousness with which she does that dance at the end, she’s putting in work.


That’s it for 2022’s Kpopalypse Christmas roundup! Don’t forget that if I missed any songs, don’t link them in the comments below because nobody cares! I hope you got lots of presents this year that were better than the shit songs in this post, and please have yourself a happy and safe holidays! Kpopalypse will return soon, hopefuly with posts that you’ll care about a lot more than this one!

6 thoughts on “Kpopalypse’s roundup of 2022’s cum-gargling Christmas k-pop smegma

  1. I’m gonna indoctrinate Winter into the list of female idols who gain infinitely more charisma and distinction with short hair. I don’t have trouble differentiating them since her group is only a quartet and under the oligopoly agency squad, but hair is a nice factor to point out to unfamiliar parties. She went from “Karina’s little sister” to “Karina’s little sister, yeah the one with the bob”.

  2. Paradise Diner rearing its ugly head even during the holidays!
    Not only did it appear in Mirae’s mv, but also Lee Hyunwoo’s in a dreary black & white filter.
    My 2023 prediction is that it’ll keep appearing at least once every month!

  3. Pingback: Kpopalypse roundup – new k-pop releases 9/1/2023 | KPOPALYPSE

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