It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out some new releases!

Dreamcatcher – Vision

Too many of the usual flow-killing beat dropouts and breakdowns ruin the pacing, but when it stops fucking around and actually rocks, it rocks as hard as anything else Dreamcatcher ever did.

(G)I-DLE – Nxde

It’s trying to be retro and trendily shouty at the same time, and… it’s just a bit of a scratchy mess, unfortunately.  A pity because the concept is great and truly different, with a more disciplined songwriting hand this could have been something special.

LE SSERAFIM – Antifragile

Consistency of tone is so important for any pop music.  Whoever’s writing for Le Sserafim is consistently getting at least that part right.  The ideas here start weird but develop sensibly rather than chopping and changing ten times per minute, and before you know it you’re actually listening to a song.  Other girl groups active in 2022 please take notes.

Kep1er – We Fresh

If you’re not sure what I’m talking about when I talk about songs chopping and changing ten times per minute, Kep1er’s example is as good as any to demonstrate how not to write pop music in 2022.

Kep1er – Dreams

Oh they have another song too but you don’t care and neither do I.

Stray Kids – Super Board

Reputation is a weird thing, apparently I’ve acquired one as a Stray Kids fan, I’m not quite sure how that happened because their last 20 songs have all been complete shit and I’ve been calling them out every single time for sucking hairy balls so I’m really not sure what’s going on there.  Maybe it’s because there’s that one person on Twitter called “@the_kpopalypse” and people get us mixed up, or maybe people just can’t read.  Maybe a little of both.  Anyway this is even more shit than they’ve generally been lately – more like Super Bored amirite

Mamamoo – Illella

The only problem with Mamamoo doing reggae is they don’t go all-in, so the result sounds safe and bland when it should be earth-shaking and cool.  Someone on board who understood how to make a track like this is all it would have taken, there’s plenty of people in Jamaica they could have asked who would have done it for an AK-47 and half a kilo of weed.

Wonho – Don’t Regret

Wonho only shows fleeting glimpses of his arms and chest here and it’s still enough to completely overshadow any thoughts of the music.  If anyone on the planet remembers what this song sounds like, they’re lying.

Kwon Eunbi – Underwater

Wonho fans being blue-balled should spare a thought for fans of Eunbi, who definitely deserves her own Kpopalypse Fashion Class given the crimes perpetrated on her by her wardrobe department.

Baekho – No Rules

Well at least someone is still doing the fanservice properly, I think Baekho is plagiarisng Wonho’s muscle mass, controversy incoming…

NewJeans – Ninimo

HYBE are all like “you want age appropriate, well FINE THEN how do you like THIS” but nobody is fooled at this point.  Luckily for them this song is so fleeting that it’s probably not even eligible to be here at all.

Lee Chaeyeon – Hush Rush

I rushed to hush my computer’s volume.

Swervy – Surgery/Surgeons

Even when Swervy isn’t that good, she’s still better than everyone else in her immediate vicinity.

Lee Chanhyuk – Panorama

Actually not bad at all as far as the song goes, but we all want Suhyun instead.

Youngjae, Yerin – Colors

Something felt weird here, and then I realised it’s that Yerin actually has a concept that suits her as a solo performer.

Fishingirls – Drama Queen

Just watch it for the drama intro, totally worth your time.

CRAXY – Undercover (Sky Sky Remix)

I like it how the projection over the girls reads “backdoor entry” just at the time that the song degenerated into random electronic mush, because that’s certainly what it felt like.

N.Flying – I Like You

Oh look it’s N.sleeping.

TAN – Beautiful Lie

That fucking diner again, at least they actually get to go in and have a bite to eat, although I’m sure their manager made them spit those burgers back out once the cameras stopped rolling.

iKON – Your voice

Quit with the nostalgia videos, nobody would even know who you guys are if you didn’t happen to use the same dealer.

UP10TION – What If Love

While I was writing this I just heard about popular Twitch streamer Amouranth having an abusive husband who was forcing her to stream.  The dude even threatened to kill her dogs, what a piece of trash.  You’d think that a husband of someone like that making megabucks from her appearance would just be quietly grateful and let her do things her own way but no, he has to be a controlling dick about it because he’s paranoid she’ll do something that will upset his cushy lifestyle or whatever.  Anyway this fucked up shit is all I can think about now, and I’ll have to listen to this song sometime later when I can resume giving a fuck about some crappy boy band’s new song.  EDIT: I listened to it later and it wasn’t worth the wait.

Park Jihoon – Nitro

I want to do to Amouranth’s husband what the guy in the black coat does to Park Jihoon in this video, just run up to him and strap a bomb to him, fuck it.  If I ever run my own streaming platform for others to stream content on, I’ll offer every “hot tub” streamer a free welfare check every three months where some guys with Kpopalypse.com shirts and tire irons will drop around to your house just to make sure that your domestic situation is running smoothly.

APR PROJECT feat. Hohyeon – Scene

Actually this song is pleasant enough and got me back on track actually listening to music.

SSS – They Don’t Know

Apparently this is some new group where they’re drip-feeding the members in Loona style but instead of using a creepy “girl of the month” concept to do it, they’re going with some other weird shit that I don’t fully understand.  There’s clearly nothing to get all that excited about just yet, but ex-Loona CEO Jaden Jeong is behind this so expect to be horrified at some point I suppose.

TO1 – Boom Pow

A lot of people are performing for the king these days.  Of course TO1 had it easy because they’re guys – the women who performed at this event all had to make sure no bare skin was showing so the religious police don’t lock them in a dungeon and torture them repeatedly.  Try not to think about it too hard and stan oppar uwu

KQ Fellaz 2 – Canvas

I’m not sure what they were going for with that backdrop but it looks like the opening credits for a serial killer movie.  Which sounds cool, but unfortunately it’s only our ears being killed.

Winny – Like a Star

It’s Future Idol again, and there’s really no point looking at it because they don’t put too much effort in, so I won’t either.

ABLE (Jang Hyunseung) – Feeling

Hey it’s that guy everyone through Hyuna was banging until they realised she was banging that other guy.  His song isn’t bad actually but he is looking super skinny here so I hope he’s alright and is eating regular, perhaps he needs to go to the Paradise Diner and pick TAN’s uneaten burgers out of the trash.

JeA – Orange Drive

Allowed to pose inside a car but still not allowed to actually drive it, it’s true what Rachel Kim says about even the veteran female k-pop idols having no agency.

Ravi – Block Party

Korea’s Nicolas Cage has his Vampire’s Kiss job delegation moment.

Nika – Fancy

Apparently this girl was in Badkiz but I sure wouldn’t have picked up on that if I wasn’t told.  Anyway this song isn’t very interesting but it’s a thing and now you know about it.

SAGONG_EE_HO – Circus Da

Terrifying.  Also, does not mrcs

DAZBEE – Bambi

I’m reminded of all the times I used to watch Saturday morning cartoons where the characters would walk and their feet would never match up to the speed at which the background was scrolling, I mean how hard is it to get that sort of thing right.  They must have thought we kids were stupid uncritical morons who would lap up any old lazy low effort garbage to distract ourselves from our hollow powerless existence and they were right.

Loco, Gray – Tasty x Tasty

These guys have done songs with your k-pop faves.  Let that sink in.

Benny Char ft. Pilo – Side Effect

It looks like Nana’s tattoo artist is still at large, we hope that the authorities catch the offender soon.

Blase X Chillin Homie – High

Sounds like one of those N.O.M club dance tracks, but without the gayness, which is at least 50% of the point so why bother with this.

015B feat. O.WHEN – Happy & Fragile

Yeah it’s pretty boring.  Regular readers will know that 015B can be great when they want to be, but sadly that’s not much of the time.

COCONA feat. OLNL – Pick up the phone

She’s got the same bathtub filled with pastel balls as To-day’s “Secret“, I wonder if that bathtub is going to become as infamous as the Paradise Diner.

Izel – Heart Darts

I’m not that keen on the rhythmic feel of the song, but everything else about it is pretty good, and let’s be honest “Heart Darts” is a cool name for a song that I’m amazed isn’t used more often.

Kisnue – A Dream of Wings

It’s not too bad.  Fly fly, you have a wing.

Child B – Find the reason why he became gay

The music might be soft, but to conservative douches watching this video is probably like having acid poured directly into your eardrums, so I have to support it anyway.

Super Combi – Be The Reds

It doesn’t sound too bad I guess but I have to hate it anyway just in case it’s about sport.

Esenwings – The King of Pigs

For guys making such a big deal about getting tattooed, they have surprisingly few of them compared to Nana.

Reddy – Chicken Dinna

Not Swervy continues to be not that interesting.

Rainbow Note – There’s nothing special about love

There’s nothing special about this song either.

Chris Guardy feat. Sharkrama – Muzergang

I hate the camerawork and that’s enough reason to hate the entire thing.

Haru Kid feat. UNE – Time Killer

I’m bored so have this Russian/Indonesian guitar collab you’re welcome.  Hey don’t feel strange about supporting, it’s not Russians’ fault that their government sucks.

Roy Kim – Take Me Back In Time

I guess what he really means is “take me back in time before I joined that molka chat room“, I mean, we all make mistakes right?  We love you Roy Kim oppar just don’t be offended if we throw that drink you gave us straight down the toilet, can’t be too careful you know.

RANDOM BONUS VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

What’s Really Happening with Chuu from LOONA?

Spoiler: we don’t know.  There, I just saved you 8 minutes and 11 seconds of your life.

SSS Kim Yooyeon – objekt

I’m not quite sure what she’s talking about, but it sounds like some kind of objektification to me.

Velvet opens up about her experience in a past abusive relationship

I was so bummed about Amouranth’s husband being an abusive piece of shit that I decided to give money to some of my favourite streamers.  The thing about Velvet is that underneath the bouncy exterior she’s very honest about her relationships (as you’ll hear) and so I feel like I can give her money and be confident in knowing that it’s not all being siphoned off by an abusive pimp boyfriend but is just going to help her buy more super-strength bras or whatever.  I feel like that’s a cause I should get behind.

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That’s all for this week – Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!