It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!
BLACKPINK – Shut Down
Some slow, dragging 6/8 time album filler fluff that hasn’t really had a lot of effort or thought put into it. You can tell they just sort of tossed this one out there by how they’ve recycled all Blackpink’s old props from previous videos, and every second lyric is “Blackpink in your area” because they just couldn’t be fucked thinking up anything better. There’s a fine line between “conceptual continuity” and sheer laziness. I actually prefer it over some parts of “Pink Venom“, but it’s still not exactly the revolution.
NCT 127 – 2 Baddies
I was bombarded with queries this week asking if the song title was a 2girls1cup reference, and initially I was skeptical but after repeated listenings I think it could be true. Certainly the low oscillating fart of the synthesiser that drives the music seems directly inspired by the actual sounds that were created during the filming of MFX-1209. Take it as a recommendation… if you’re into that kind of thing? Sucks to be you but whatever.
LOONA – Luminous
Speaking of eating shit, Loona fans hopefully won’t be supporting this lazy trash that the girls were forced to do between tour stops. Like, how much do you actually want to torture these women.
NMIXX – Dice
Oh right, so NMIXX are going to make this chopping and changing “progressive k-pop” style their thing now. I’m not against the idea conceptually, hey progressive pop music is actually a great idea, but it needs to progress to somewhere, not just be a bunch of different versions of “yelpy shouty crap”.
Sorn feat. Yeeun – Nirvana Girl
Oh my god is this plagiarism? Whatever, it certainly works well in this context, it’s pretty fucking good actually, and Sorn is the best ever since she went solo. You can tell that I wrote my bias list on three hours sleep because I didn’t put Sorn in it, I’ll have to draft the 2023 one six months in advance just so I don’t forget anyone important.
DIA – The Blinding Past
DIA are breaking up and they’re trying to play it off like it’s a sad occasion or something, but if k-pop fans actually really cared even a little about the welfare of performers they’d be absolutely over the moon every single time a group like this died in the ass. Finally, the exploitation of both them and you has ended!
Choi Yoojung – Sunflower (P.E.L)
Fucking awful. Although I do like it how they pitch-shifted her voice so it sounds like someone yawning, very appropriate.
Ryu Sujeong – Come Out
Did she have a massive zit on her right cheek that they’re trying to hide or something. This video shoot would have really sucked to do for her, because video shoots, even simple ones, take fucking hours, and do you know how much it would hurt to sit there with your neck twisted like that for the entire damn thing just because some fuckhead photographer said “this is your good side”?
Lee Sujeong – Cosmos
Did you know that there were two Sujeongs in Lovelyz? There’s the other Sujeong above, and this Sujeong here was actually Babysoul. Clearly a necessary move to stop eye-gouging and hair-pulling in the dorms, but now that they’re both free to make shit music and hate each other from a distance, she gets to use her actual name again.
Hong Jinyoung – Destiny
Nobody wants to listen to Hong Jin Young sing a crappy trot ballad, not even me, and I love Hong Jin Young. So I put here the song that was going through my head when I heard this trash, hope you don’t mind.
CRAXY – Real
Craxy’s videos don’t look laughably cheap anymore and the song isn’t that great but it’s nothing embarrassing either. Congratulations to them for making it to “average”, a lofty tier that few k-pop groups reach!
AB6IX, Reiley – Moonlight
I saw that guy with the curly hair and just noped out of the video straight away. No good music is going to come out of that.
KQ Fellaz 2 – Geek
Actually I didn’t mind whatever the hell this is because at least it was punchy, but there’s something a bit funny going on sonically that I don’t like, as if they’ve tried to cram all the instruments into too small a space.
IRRIS – Stay With Me
Don’t you love it how whenever there’s hitchhiking in k-pop music videos, the lone girl out by herself always gets picked up by a bunch of other girls around the same age wearing similar style clothes, and not Seungri or his friends, who would actually be much more likely to make the stop.
MAKAMAKA – I Am
When I pressed play a huge plane flew right over my house and I had to wait for a full minute for it to pass so I could hear the track. I was certain that the plane had saved me from a horrible song, but then I finally played it and it was good. So now I think that’s the signal of a good undiscovered song. I’ll see how that theory pans out in future roundups.
A.iRiD – First Flight
However you say that group name monstrosity, it’s still less confused than the song. Also I’m not sure about “like a virgin, take me now” as a lyric, but I guess it’s no worse than “made a little cookie, come and take a lookie, baked at my place only, come get some“, and people caped ultra-hard for that so I guess this can get a pass.
MUSTB – La Senorita
Okay I’ve seen some bad Shure Super 55 use but this is the worse I’ve encountered in a while. Hopefully their senorita does a bit of nightclub singing as a side gig and can quietly take them aside and show them how to use a microphone one day. Would be neat if she could also show them how to sing a better song than this one while she’s at it.
Spirit – Broom Broom
Yay it’s Future Idol company back again and this time they’re “in our area”, lucky us. Actually, I’ve heard worse Blackpink clones from people who are a lot older and therefore should know better.
Kim Jae Joong – Nobody Like You
Is this the best song a JYJ member has ever done? Maybe, but it’s still not very good.
Ravi – Kiss You
Korea’s Nicolas Cage has his questionable Chinese car commercial moment.
Ravi – Dumb Dumb Dumb
Korea’s Nicolas Cage has his screaming on the toilet moment.
Hwang Min Hyun – Again
From being in Nu’est to sounding like the old-est.
Kangta feat. Paloalto – Love Song
There’s something super intense about Kangta’s face, like he commissioned a bunch of his most hardcore devoted fans to do drawings of him and then got like the 10th best drawing, gave it to his surgeon and said “can you make me look more like this, please”. Just objectifying the guys here for some gender balance you’re welcome.
ANA – Shine Bright
A seriously impressive video, it’s actually legitimately hard to tell how much of this is animated vs live action. What a pity that such amazing animation talent has been wasted on a song that isn’t awful but certainly doesn’t warrant such effort.
The Rose – Childhood
Oh shit, this group are still going. Terrible song but the video is kind of interesting I guess. Don’t worry, you’re allowed to look, it’s “art” or something.
Taeryeong – Happy Trip
Hey this girl used to be Lunarsolar and this is her solo debut, it kind of rocks in its own mild way. I could go a djent metal version of this song.
YongYong, D-Hack – Binggrae
Just because there’s a cord coming out of it doesn’t fool anyone dickhead, you actually have to play the notes.
RGP – Maniac
I like it. Skull is actually kind of good these days. Somewhere along the line he just stopped sucking. Guess it’s the weed.
Mongdoll – Running
I actually have been thinking about buying a Yamaha Broadbass to replace my Music Man Stingray that I’m selling, the only thing that puts me off them is the weight, plus the fact that they don’t exactly come in very exciting colours (which has always been a Yamaha problem). So I might end up going for another Yamaha TRBX series, because they look a bit better and are a bit lighter. Sorry this isn’t very interesting for most of you, I should probably stop the musician tech talk and get back to objectifying the performers because that’s clearly what you all prefer.
015B feat. Soseom – This World Is Not For Me
015B do music very well. Even when it’s bullshit music like this, they really bring the best out of it. This is actually almost tolerable.
Choco N Vanilla – Posting
So I guess nobody has told them about Nekopara yet. I guess we’ll know when they get filled in because there’ll probably be a sudden group name change.
Low Hanging Fruits – Uncertain Minds
It’s pleasant enough I guess.
Kramp feat. Keith Ape – Mask On
Keith Ape telling me to mask up is enough to make me go to Iran and lick a shrine, but honestly this is not as terrible as I expected.
Vincent – We Are Young
I was just vibing to this pretty unexciting music because I was just about to fall asleep and then it went dubstep on my ass. That certainly woke me right the fuck up.
pH-1 – Zombies + Tipsy
I’m sorry but this is just bad.
Kan Jongwook, Outsider – Remove Words Version
This boring song has raps over acoustic guitar plus the St. Anger kick drum. What a mess.
Ether – Everlasting Summer
Okay, it’s pretty shit, but then at the end they bust out the crazy orchestration and the guitar solos and I thought to myself “well actually this is still shit but at least they’re trying” so points for that.
Daisé – While I’m Here
I’m not sure why this girl is topless plus has such strange hair but who am I to hate on someone’s life choices.
Choo & Bzbz feat. Skinny Brown – Skr Skr Skr
Okay I really didn’t expect them to sing “skr skr skr” like Weezer would or something. When you can’t even rely on rap fuckheads to be rap fuckheads, times are sad.
Cherry Boy 17 feat. YLN Foreign – King Kong Underwear
Somehow, I dug this one. I have no idea what’s going on but I’m okay with that. I think it’s the keyboard riff that makes it catchy, I don’t really care about the rest of it. Also, Korean twerk videos are just good. I can’t explain it, it’s just a different energy to the same thing from any other country.
BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
Vanillare – Remedy
Holy fucking shit, this great band just put out a new version of their video for “Remedy” but edited so the bass player isn’t in it, and the YouTube description just says “less is more” and that’s it. Wow, some fucked up shit must have happened between them. Song is still great anyway so here’s hoping that everyone involved is okay.
Park Bom – Desire And Hope
Not eligible for list inclusion because it’s an OST but I thought it was worth highlighting this live performance. Not for the song (which is garbage) but because it’s Park Bom and she has put up with more shit than you can ever possibly imagine. None of us have it tough in the public eye like Park Bom has it tough. Imagine what she thinks about whenever anybody looks at her, ever. She’s so awesome and a real survivor, I just want to give her a hug and maybe an AR-15 and a few boxes of ammo to do whatever is necessary.
Velvet’s private v-log – hair extension
Why is this age-restricted? It clearly shouldn’t be as there’s nothing even remotely risque about it, but it is anyway because YouTube is a conservative shithole that hates anyone who is a sex worker of any description, no matter how tame. It’s important to support objectification because it’s the front line of the war against culture. You want queer content? You want access to sexual health services? Then support smut creators – all of them. Once they get rid of all the porn and smut it’s always the queer content and educational/sexual health content that’s next, it happens every time, that’s why there is simply no other option in life other than being as pro-porn and pro-sex work as possible because these people are fighting the good fight so you don’t have to. If you’re not objectifying people on a regular basis, you are experiencing and interacting with culture in the wrong way. Anyway Velvet’s hair extensions are nice.
That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week! In the meantime, the latest Kpopalypse survey is now live – CLICK HERE to do the survey!