It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out some new releases!

ENHYPEN – One In A Billion

If you didn’t have enough reasons to dislike HYBE they’re now doing weird webcomic things and making their own groups do the soundtracks for them.  You can tell this one was rushed out the door quicksmart to meet some deadline as it’s little more than a drumbeat and one distorted bass riff over and over.

OnlyOneOf – Zurui Onna

Some sheltered people actually got upset with me the other week when I said OnlyOneOf do gay fanservice even though this is a Captain Obvious observation right up there with “Putin is somewhat dishonest”.  “But they’re queer stories”… yeah, queer stories to make money.  The song’s not too bad this time actually so at least you can console yourself with a reasonable tune while you gradually learn how to wake up and smell the capitalism.

Jeong Hyo Seong – Stories finding shimmering sea

I have lots of time for Hyosung.  Just like me, she gets into shit for saying what should be fairly self-evident stuff, like when she said “domestic violence is bad, don’t do that” and half the country suddenly rioted.  So since she’s probably well and truly over men in general at this point, I’m just going to say that the fried chicken here looks nice and leave it at that.

Jackson Wang – Blue

It’s Chuseok week in Korea so that means it’s kind of a slow new release week, hence this roundup might be a little slimmer than usual.  Don’t worry though as Jackson Wang is here to help pick up the slack – as a proud pro-democratic Hong Kong citizen Jackson doesn’t care about any of that Korean national holiday stuff so his shitty ballads get to come out right on schedule.

Lee Changsub – Surrender

These trendy electro-disco textures are all very well but there’s just too much singing and it ruins everything.  Some songs would work way better with about 50% of the vocals.

Rocking Doll – Survive

Rocking Doll don’t do “downtempo shouty bullshit” any better than anyone else in k-pop, but I’m really enjoying the insane amounts of effort that was put into their music video.  The set designers and CGI team are punching well above their weight, although I’m pretty sure that’s not an optimal sniping position, get behind some sandbags or something before you get headshot girl damn.

CRAXY – Requeim

I wonder if Rocking Doll and Craxy have the same video production team because their videos this week have a similar “we’re going to push our middling Korean TV drama tier CGI and set design budget to the absolute limit” aesthetic which I really enjoy.  Misguided but hilarious details like the claws across the back and the rando who gets shot in the head for no reason are the icing on the cake.  Pity the song also has similar problems to Rocking Doll’s but in the absence of decent music I’ll take some good visual entertainment.

Seunghee, Hyojung, Galaxy Fan – Flip It Up

I guess flip devices are so passe at this point that they’re now considered “retro” and so they’re now slowly creeping back into fashion.  However like most tech that goes out of style (also see: cassette tapes), flip-phones died for a reason.  People who were of device-using age in the 2000s will remember the sexy ultra-thin Motorolas and Nokias that would develop a horizontal line across the screen after a month of opening and closing, or just have the hinges loosen, crack and give out completely even if you were being really gentle with it, the more moving parts in a device the more possible points for failure as electronic parts flex and wear out.  The advent of the iPhone spurned an industry-wide switch to touch screens which meant more reliability and durability, so if you’re a good little consumer who is considering buying this piece of shit read the warranty terms carefully as faults caused by using the flip mechanism are probably covered for a mega pissweak amount of time, if at all.

CNBLUE – Let It Shine

Hey something I didn’t expect, CNBlue have a really good song this week!  Also that guitar the singer is playing is a Zemaitis, one of my favourite guitar brands (even though I’ve never actually played one) just because of the way they look, holy shit they always look stunning even if the “baby Les Paul” shape shown here isn’t my style.  I really want to check one out in the flesh to see if they play nice but they’re hard to find in my country.

Sunye – Genuine

Some great bass playing hard-carries what would otherwise be some pretty boring shit.  I guess the in-house instrumental section is where Blockberry’s three course meals are all going while the Loona girls starve and dehydrate on stage.

Winner – Sweet Home

For a moment I thought this might be a soundtrack song for “Seed Of The Dead: Sweet Home” (review coming soon in the next episode of the Wonho game review series folks) but I guess not.  A pity because some classy-sexy zombies crashing the party could have made things very interesting.

Key feat. Jeno – Villain

It’s nice to know that SMP Floor have taken my feedback on board and started using proper studio quality audio for their dance practice videos.  I don’t even mind the song here, it’s got some cool riffs and the slightly out-of-time thing actually works.

BAE173 – Get Him Ugh

I mean if it’s good enough for the budget NCT, SM can do it too, right?

Busters – Broken Clock

Oh look it’s Busters with a song called “Broken Clock” as if the entire premise of the group isn’t already disturbing enough.  I guess they’ve seen NewJeans go ahead and PR their way through their own creepiness and figure they too have the green light to get away with anything, the sad thing is they’d be right.  Someone save these poor girls.  I’m going to boldly assume that everyone has figured out Busters’ agency by now and is smart enough to understand what they mean because it sure as hell isn’t a reference to the “Gfriend but a shit version” music.

We;Na – Like Psycho

Huge points here for a bright, fast song that keeps the tempo up even in the breakdown.  Why can’t more songs do this.  It’s not that hard folks, you don’t need to break the budget just to turn your drum machine tempo up a few notches, it doesn’t actually use more electricity you know.

Secret Jouju – Summer Fun!

People think I’m harsh on aespa’s avatars but I’m not trying to save your from aespa, I’m trying to save you from all the awful shit that they’ll inspire.

Youngseo – The Letter

What is it with nugu videos and fluorescent tubes.  There’s some guy in Seoul with a monopoly on the portable fluorescent tube market who is just making a killing off hiring them out to every nugu ever.  I guess it’s good to know at least one person is making money in the nugu end of the k-pop music business without pimping anyone. 

Kangta – Eyes On You

My mother grew up watching Hollywood films from the “golden age” where people would order martinis all the time, including James Bond films with the martini specifically “shaken not stirred“, she always thought that looked really smooth.  When my mother came of age and went to a bar for the first time she ordered a “martini, shaken not stirred” (and felt completely embarrassed doing so because it was such a cliche at the time of course) and when the drink came she said it was total shit and completely disgusting and she felt so stupid for believing the Hollywood image and never touched the stuff ever again.  Keep reading kpopalypse.com and you can find out about these experiences of media not lining up to reality through me and thus avoid learning many unpleasant life lessons the hard way, you’re welcome.

KittiB feat. Hanhae – Lucky

I don’t like this song a whole lot and that’s all I’ve got to say because I don’t have money for court fees.

Chaboom, Leebido feat. Damndef – Z Flip Fold Remix

See, you think flip phones are a harmless trend but look at what it can lead to.  One minute you’re taking the plastic seals off your new phone and then all of a sudden you’re wearing stupid oversized hip-hop fashion in an underground car park somewhere and there’s one guy yelling a lot for no reason and it smells weird.

Underdogg Sound feat. MR.Z & Lee Myung Hee – To The Beach

Here’s what I’m talking about, having a good time rapping on the beach and dancing with some very sweet moves and a bunch of girls who don’t starve themselves like every k-pop idol ever.  Look at the thiccest girl, she looks great, her clothes are totally cute, yet she’s not showing skin and it doesn’t even look racy or anything.  Jeongyeon would look great in that and would probably be totally comfortable in it too but oh no, she has to have a sportball jumper, because Korean beauty standards are a misogynist shit-show and whether the clothing choice was her own or someone else’s is missing the point.  That’s why we need to send the message that thiccness is appreciated on all levels (even those levels) and campaign for equal thiccness rights.  That’s all I’m saying, dickheads.  “But, but…” no.  Shut up and stop being a fuckwit.  Anyway these people here are doing it right.

Hanroro – Don’t Be Afraid To Fall

The camerawork here made me seriously motion-sick, I was definitely afraid to fall by the end of the video even though I was already just sitting in a chair.

mongoo – Let’s Walk This Universe

There’s some super weird production choices here, like that razor-sharp trebly guitar and the total lack of drums or in fact any sort of lower register information where there really should be some (this song actually made me check my speakers to see if my subwoofer hadn’t accidentally turned itself off), but it still works really well anyway because it has excellent dynamics and melody writing.

Song Chae Ea – Tic Toc

You don’t realise how bad most trot is until you check out the stuff that isn’t a big name.

Ray Hill feat. CK, Louie, Dopechild – Mi Vida Loca

When you work in hospitality and retail there’s plenty of drawbacks but there’s also a lot of opportunities to pose out for your shitty rap video in interesting locations.

Skyminhyuk, Feely – Revenge

Trying to be hard but the beat is still too soft.  It’s a nope from me.

KOR KASH – The Trapper

Still, it’s better than this.  Some songs you know just have no hope at all from the title.

Sway – I’ll leave work

I’d hang onto that day job if I were you, you’re probably going to need it.

Witches – Whenever I Feel Asleep

Imagine if you tried to explain reggae to an alien and then they got so excited about the possibilities that they just wanted to have a jam right then and there.

Binn – Popcorn

I’ve only got this one here so someone can explain to me what is going on in the music video.

HUS – Madame

This Flying V that Zemaitis do looks incredible, that’s much better than the Les Paul shape.  I want one of these but it probably costs more than the palace that they ripped the designs off for the scratch plate.

Rockit Girl cover another Korean military song

It’s a lot like their other cover except this one keeps up the pace the whole way through once it switches to double-time.  Thanks for saving roundup!

BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

How’s Loona’s world tour going?  Ummm…

Just cancel it at this point, seriously.  But they won’t because money.  They’ll just keep whipping the girls.  The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Wonho does the fanmeeeting thing

I thought you might like to see the results of what he was training for last week.  Enjoy.

Kpop Idols Who DESTROYED Their Looks After Beauty Procedures

An annoying video because of the “golly gee whiz” tone of the narration, plus the stupid focus on netizen comments, but there’s actual discussion here about the purple haired guy from N.tic, it’s good to know that people are still thinking about him.

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That’s all for this week!  Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!  In the meantime, the latest Kpopalypse survey is now live – CLICK HERE to do the survey!