It’s time to update the Kpopalypse bias list for 2022! Let’s take a look at who Kpopalypse is biasing this year!
Regular Kpopalypse readers have all probably either participated in or at the very least read the results of the objectification surveys – but I do not participate in those myself other than to count your votes and write about them, so they are not reflective of the opinion of Kpopalypse, but the reader base (and wherever the reader base deems to spread the voting questions). However, the Kpopalypse bias list is 100% all about my opinion and nothing else. Note that this is a list of pure “meeting required standards” only, and therefore is roughly analogous to the “most attractive” segment of the objectification survey, although aspects other than raw physical appearance do play a factor, because attractiveness isn’t just about appearance, after all.
Know that the Kpopalypse bias list is always in a state of flux and receives consistent updates, as new people become a k-pop and are thus eligible, while others stop being a k-pop and are therefore no longer eligible. Furthermore, k-poppers may come to the attention of myself through various activities, and others who have been less active may begin to be prioritised lower as they cease to provide “material”. Let’s take a look at 2022’s Kpopalypse bias list!
THE KPOPALYPSE 2022 BIAS LIST
#1 – SUHYUN – AKMU
AKMU’s Suhyun hasn’t done a lot over these past 12 months but she’s still pretty, still has (probably) no plastic surgery to speak of (hint hint literally every other k-pop idol ever), still also has very high self esteem which is good because girls in general should love themselves more, and most importantly she is using a sport stadium for things other than sport and made all the sport fans leave. Take the yucky, gross, disgusting sport fans out of the sports stadium and you just have a groovy building where you can record Suhyun from all sorts of different angles.
Pity that Koreans obviously think she’s in the stereotypical “ugly but talented” category or whatever, and treat her accordingly. Look at this fucked video where the douchebags with the cameras hide her incredible charisma and world-changing attractiveness behind music stands and instead spend most of their time filming some losers in the audience nobody gives a fuck about. Korea has this weird obsession with “the opinions of other people” as being the most important thing, therefore toxic “reaction” culture gets a gold star over there, and concert footage often spends so much time focusing on “look at these randos over here being impressed” that they forget to film the actual artist. Jail time for the video director here, please. For all their faults at least YG had the courtesy to give Suhyun her own solo and dance routine.
#2 – EUNHA – VIVIZ
Okay, I’ll admit it – Eunha has eclipsed Umji for attractiveness. It’s still a very close race however, but I think Eunha’s image transformation in Viviz has really done wonders for her overall disposition, she’s very, very obviously way more comfortable with the sexy concepts that she’s now allowed to explore than she ever was in Gfriend days, and women always look better when they’re happier.
Ever since Eunha knocked her sexiness out of the park by cosplaying Gain better than Gain herself, it’s been blindingly obvious to everybody with a brain that she likes the idea of playing the part of the girl that everybody wants to bone, and is now relishing her new role in 3friend and not having miss Hitler mannequin-fucker getting dibs on the slinky dresses. She loves it that she’s in this list and we all know it. I could be wrong, but I’m probably not. “Eunha reads thirst tweets” when.
#3 – UMJI – VIVIZ
A kilo of chicken breast is something that I order from the butcher quite often, it’s the starting point for Korean fried chicken, satays, curries and a bunch of other things that I and my partner like to cook. The butchers never get the quantity quite right though, they always tend to give me a bit extra, and if that happens I just tell them that it’s okay and no big deal, so I’m usually taking home packets of between 1 kilo and 1.3 kilos depending on how good they are at guessing and that’s fine because it’ll all get used eventually. However one time last year I ordered one kilo of chicken breast, and received exactly one kilo, correct to three decimal places.
I looked up at the butcher and said “Umji, is that you?” The woman behind the butcher’s counter didn’t seem to know what I was talking about, but I think she was just playing dumb.
I’m pretty sure it was actually Umji in disguise, as I know that only she could do this. It was quite a good disguise actually, she had successfully camouflaged herself as an African woman of about my own age, which was totally impressive and goes to show just how smart Umji is, that she can do that. How can I fail to stan someone with such a big brain, who is also really pretty. Don’t worry too much about climate change and the Ukraine/Russia war folks, Umji will probably figure out what to do about that stuff eventually.
#4 – YUA MIKAMI – HONEY POPCORN
Honey Popcorn may be on extended hiatus but Yua Mikami is still cranking out k-pop dance covers (see her above dancing to the cut-price “Rum Pum Pum Pum“) in between drama appearances, therefore she is still a k-pop and can still be in this list. Sure, she might have had some weird thing done to her face lately, or maybe her face has always been weird and I’m just suddenly noticing it now, but either way it’s no more extreme than what [insert your bias here] does and she still looks better than [insert your bias here] so no major complaints.
Plus she does wear nice clothes from time to time, and that’s a plus. You probably don’t wear clothes this nice, and neither do I, because I don’t want to inadvertently send the message that I might actually be nice when I’m actually an asshole. However I do like women in nice clothes. Someone has to wear all that rich-girl stuff.
#5 – EUNJUNG – T-ARA
Holy shit she looks so good nowadays, perhaps better than ever. She’s wearing a fucking red dishrag here and that long hair which doesn’t suit her and I’m colourblind so I can’t even see the red properly and she still looks amazing.
It gets even more extreme when she’s aiming for a look that suits her style. Short hair preppy Eunjung is peak Eunjung. My balls hurt.
#6 – SWAN – PURPLE KISS
And it’s about fucking time that we had some larger-framed girls debuting in k-pop. People forget that the only reason why this lists exists at all, is because if I don’t do a list like this periodically, you cunts won’t stop asking me about this shit. Especially when new groups come out. I get excited about new k-pop debuts basically never, and in the vast majority of new groups I don’t even know who is who or have an opinion on any of them, everyone just looks so fucking bland. So it’s good that RBW came to the party with some different visuals. I guess it makes sense that it’d be RBW to step up and debut Swan, as Hwasa in Mamamoo looks pretty different to the regular k-pop girl and has been a great success for them, so it makes sense that they’d try something different like that again. Hwasa isn’t quite my type though, but Swan is.
Okay so she’s got that horrible marble-mouthed “indie voice” thing happening in her lower register vocals, but that’s okay, that’s what mute buttons are for.
#7 – UZA
UZA is just great and you should stan. There are horses in this video. Look at the horses in this video. Buy UZA’s stuff on Bandcamp. There are horses in this video. Watch the video.
Here’s UZA breaking down how she made her album. Look how happy she is talking about music, look how good she looks. UZA has a cat called Laura. You can feel the warm energy of UZA being pretty and being happy talking about the music she loves coming off the screen and flowing into your aura and enhancing your life. UZA’s cat Laura has her own YouTube account. Buy UZA’s stuff, do it now. What do you mean, you don’t want to? Are you some kind of cunt? What is wrong with you. Just fucking do it already, fuck.
#8 – IU
Look at that face shape, and those cheeks. Nobody looks like that. Even IU doesn’t look like that, which means that IU is actually prettier than IU. My taste in women is quite different from the average k-pop fan if the results of my surveys are anything to go by, but one place where I agree with them is that if IU shot one of those “news announcer” videos like Maria Ozawa did, I would buy a raffle ticket to be in that so the lower half of my body could have its 8.5 seconds of fame.
Speaking of Maria Ozawa, I was watching some shit horror film with my partner called “Invitation Only“, and Maria Ozawa has a bit-part in it, it’s not a very good film and I really don’t recommend you check it out but my partner (who watches a lot of horror) said it was basically the exact same plot as “Hostel 3” so now you know where they ripped off the story from that film from. Anyway I told my partner about who Maria Ozawa is, and she noticed that in some of the close up shots that it was pretty obvious that Maria Ozawa’s face was very heavily caked with TV makeup to hide really bad skin quality. I concluded that being bukkaked probably isn’t the facial health serum that it’s cracked up to be in a lot of clickbait articles. This observation probably has nothing to do with IU.
#9 – MOKO SAKURA – HONEY POPCORN
Moko Sakura actually has a similar thing going on that IU has in the face, with really oddly defined areas on the sides of her mouth, like she’s got double dimples or something. Maybe they have the same surgeon. Whoever it was I think did a pretty good job even if I’m not sure what they were thinking.
Anyway she seems like a nice girl. Not really my type I guess, but you have to appreciate the effort that she puts in just to get into this list. Unlike IU, I don’t have to use my imagination at all, so cheers for that. By the way, even though the actual write-ups are all bullshit straight from my own asshole, the ratings out of 10 in the Honey Popcorn roundups that I do are actually a true reflection of how fappable I think each video is. Just so you know, now you can read them again with that extra context and enjoy the posts even more, or not.
#10 – VIVI – LOONA
Vivi gets so little to do in Loona that whoever edited this video compilation of her live singing had to use about 285 different sources just to cobble together enough footage to make a four minute video. Which sucks because it does.
Why does she wear a mask outside but not inside though. You’re not going to get corona from hanging out outdoors at the beach with nobody in a 100 meter radius, you’re going to get it from touching the same filthy doorknob in your dorm that the other girls did. Maybe she just hates cunts, and I totally get that.
#11 – CHUU – LOONA
While I kind of like girls with Suhyun’s vibe, the girls who go for me generally are not like her, but more like Chuu. I think it’s because I’m so mellow and calm, I tend to attract people who have a hyper element to their personality, because they’re drawn to my chill which balances them out (whereas another extremely chill person would just be bored with me and we would sit in a room together and say nothing to each other). I can imagine that’s probably a bit hard to visualise if you only know me from my writing, as people who read my writing but don’t know me personally tend to mischaracterise me as some kind of extremely angry, depressed or edgy person, but in real life I’m actually so laid back and chill that I might as well be dead. Anyway pretty much everyone who has ever done anything with me in a relationship context has had some element of Chuu-energy, especially the scene here where she outs the gay guys. Every single girl I’ve ever been out with would not hesitate to do that.
#12 – JEONGYEON – TWICE
I’ve just noticed now that Jeongyeon has some kind of weird crooked thing going on with her mouth. Of course in a scene full of primped, nipped and tucked perfection this only makes Jeongyeon even more attractive than she already was. K-pop girls don’t have enough flaws to make them like the rest of us, so it’s impossible to get all that interested in them because they just feel so far apart from your world. Jeongyeon feels kind of closer, like you might run into her while grocery shopping for that 1 kilo of chicken down to three decimal places, and that’s very sexy. Now can her company realise it and stop making her wear garbage bags please.
#13 – DARU
Daru was actually Jiyul from a short-lived nugu group called Bloomy that had a really good song once. Okay so the bunny thing in the thumbnail looks like fucking shit but in every other scene here she’s just outstanding, like Yua Mikami without the drama pedigree.
#14 – CHAEWON – LE SSERAFIM
Actually I really just like the way she cleanly enunciates the syllables in the “get-a-way” line in “Fearless“. That’s it. Oh and the black bobbed hair is great too, my girlfriend had that type of hair when I first met her (12 years ago!) although not exactly like this but pretty close and she absolutely smashed that look too. So there you go. Enough shit ballads and a couple more rounds of facial surgery and I’ll probably remove her from here and just put someone else back because she’s not my type really, she’s just nailing her image right now so damn well that she feels like she is. Le Sserafim right now is her and four randos as far as I’m concerned.
#15 – DAHYUN – TWICE
Watching Dahyun do literally anything is like that one time at school where at the start of the year you get to choose the seat that you’re going to have to sit in for that class for the entire fucking year, and in the circle of desks everyone else picks first, so all the boys sit with the other boys and all the girls sit with the other girls, but there’s a space in the middle where they meet and nobody wants to sit there but you’re shy so you pick last so you end up sitting there and Dahyun is next to you and at first you don’t really notice her but after a while you realise she’s kind of quirky and cool but she only really pays attention to the girl on the other side of where you’re sitting so you just try and focus on your schoolwork and what the teacher is saying but it’s hard because she’s kind of loud sometimes and you might be forming a crush maybe but probably not but then maybe it is who knows but you know you have no chance because she’s so far above your level socially so there’s no point developing feelings and you know this so you just sit in silence and try to control it internally but then one day she asks if she can borrow your pen cos she can’t find hers and your heart skips a beat and you say “yes” really quickly and produce a pen for her in 0.25 seconds and she’s really happy and now you’re fucked because not only do you realise that you’re crushing hard and your attempts to control it have been futile, but you gave her your only pen and you now have no pen to write with yourself and you’re going to get in trouble at the end of the lesson for not handing your exercise up but she smiled at you really wide when she took that pen and looked at you dead in the eye and for that small fraction of time you felt like she was your whole world and it just seems worth it somehow.
#16 – YVES – LOONA
I’m not so sure if the pink and red hair she’s been rocking lately really suits her, but I’m sure she did it because Chuu asked her to, and that’s what you want in life, a co-operative partner who is willing to cater to your needs a little. So points for that.
#17 – JENNIE – BLACKPINK
Found this good video of Jennie with minimal makeup and she still looks better than [insert your bias here]. I would sexualise her in a nurse outfit for 15 minutes if I had to, whatever that even fucking means in a corporate environment where all the sexualisation is actually coming from the top down, not the bottom up, and any faps that you have are just a drop in the ocean and mean nothing, meanwhile your corporate overlords are shitting on your favourite idols every day from sun up to sun down and making them completely miserable at all times when not on camera, yet you still support the company anyway because you’re a stupid bitch. What do you think actually affects idols, when someone posts their tame-as-fuck PG-rated images on some fap reddit and people comment underneath “gosh she is attractive I would put the peepee in the vajayjay”, or when their gym coach takes away their meals and sets them anorexia-level weight goals? If you actually care about idols, instead of just pretending that you do for virtue points, get your priorities straight and fight the battles that actually matter, fuckhead. Anyway, Jennie paved the way.
#18 – HONG JIN YOUNG
This girl is just ridiculous, like when you discover a new favourite JAV star and look up her age and she’s like 49 years old and you’re like “what the fuck this is the most attractive woman I’ve ever seen in my life, maybe I’m not a creep after all” but you still probably are but who even gives a fuck.
#19 – RACHEL KIM – GIRLS FOREVER
Here have some healthy eating tips, although some of these are a bit questionable maybe I don’t know but Rachel looks pretty good so I guess it works. You know I wanted to put some girl who was a backing dancer in a trot video in this list, but I couldn’t find the video, even though she’s actually been in more than one. Anyway she’s a babe and even though I’m pretty sure she doesn’t even sing she probably would have got to about #2 or #3 in this list if I could find the fucking video fuck. I posted the videos before somewhere but I can’t remember where, I thought they were in Nugu Alerts but I looked at all those and I was wrong, I couldn’t find them. Doesn’t matter anyway I guess, I don’t take this shit as seriously as you people do. Stan Rachel and fuck DB Entertainment’s dodgy contracts and NDAs.
#20 – RAINA – AFTER SCHOOL/ORANGE CARAMEL
I will probably never remove her from here as long as she keeps making at least one random video per year. Actually she’s looking pretty good just hanging around the house these days, she rocks these pajama looks. I guess she paid her k-pop dues and that’s fair.
That’s all for this list – Kpopalypse will revisit the bias list in another 12 months!