It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out some new releases!

BLACKPINK x PUBG MOBILE – Ready For Love

The musical version of going for the Pochinki hot-drop, hitting the top of a tree with your parachute while on the way down and losing 90% of your health bar, and then some bot with a dead-eyed stare like the CGI avatars in this video comes along and removes the other 10% before you’ve even found a gun.

ATEEZ – Guerrilla

This is really quite good and the reason why it’s really quite good is that the melody and harmony mostly makes sense and fits the backing track the way it should.  It’s really uncommon these days for me to discover upbeat boy group material where the tone is consistent throughout, but apart from a couple misguided major scale segues they’ve done it exactly the way they should have here.

Jackson Wang – Cruel

Texturally and visually nice, but too bland and slow to really make a difference.

CSR – Pop? Pop!

A really cool track with fantastic melody and instrumentation all around, that recalls the better songs from Lovelyz, I’m sure these girls won’t keep this sound and will quickly progress to the “tribal lycra spacesuits, downtempo trap breaks and screeching a lot” phase of their careers as all these groups tend to do lately, so enjoy this brief respite from k-pop’s current awful trends while you can.

Fromis_9 – Sea of Moonlight

The underscore group do a Gus Van Sant, and remake something that really didn’t need to be remade.  Putting your own spin on an already near-flawless track in its original form is always a mistake because any change is going to be a step backward, and Fromis_9 take several steps backward here, ripping the guts out of all the original song’s melodic charm and muscular, high tempo rhythm.  The brilliant original only got like 4 million views in 10 years so hopefully this pissweak cover makes more people discover it, but it probably won’t.

NMIXX – Kiss

Another pointless remake except this time rather than getting a good song and changing it to be shit, they got an average song and did nothing with it.

Yuju feat. BIG Naughty – Evening

This song might feature Big Naughty, but it doesn’t feature anywhere near enough bigness or naughtiness.

Luna & UL feat. Danny Jung – When this night is over

Now that Luna isn’t in SM Entertainment anymore, she’s contractually allowed to sing into the correct part of the microphone.

Nicole – YOU.F.O

Reasonable enough disco bollocks I suppose but no KARA fan is going to prefer this over what Nicole was doing in her old group.

Sunye – Just A Dancer

…and unless she starts singing a song that I give a damn about, that’s all she’ll ever be to me.

Dalsooobin – Hookah

Spends way too much of its time being slow.

Hoshi – Tiger

Lots of shouting, not much else.

Handong – Winter

After that piano intro I thought it was going to go into thrash metal but instead we just got R&B, the joke’s on us.

KB – Be Free

No idols singing songs called “Be Free” while they’re still under contract, please.

Hezz (Hong Euijin) – Churup!

Starts off a bit like ONF’s “Complete” at about 25% of that song’s speed, and only gets worse from there, with horrible tropical-shithouseisms and cut-and-paste vocals so terrible that it’s almost impossible to distinguish what the chorus melody even is.

ATBO – Monochrome (Color)

Very average, “Monochrome” is actually the perfect name for it because it’s about as exciting as staring at a wall painted only one colour.

TO1 – Drummin’

They’re seriously singing a song called “Drummin'” in front of a drum kit that none of them are playing, so fuck them, I just deleted their video out of roundup and put in this neat video of Junna doing Priests’s “Painkiller” because fuck all of these cunts and fuck you too if you don’t like Junna.

ASTRO – U&Iverse

It’s a song for Universe App so you already know that it sucks.  Next.

Yurisa – some computer game thing I don’t even fucking know what but someone wanted me to review this so here it is

Yurisa looks ridiculous and awkward like she always does in the usual crap cosplay clothes she wears that never suit her, but at least the song is a bit rocking. 

Xdinary Heroes – Knock Down

Day7 are back but they’re sounding more like Day6.1 here.

TAN – Walking on the Moon

These boy group songs are boring and they suck so here’s a cat update for those interested.  My cat is doing pretty well, she had her first butt checkup at the vet and it was better than expected, that’s great, it means she’s healing okay.  She still has to be a conehead for another week though.

OMEGA X – Stand Up!

The thing is that me and my gf want to clean our cat’s butt but we don’t want to hurt her, so we tend to go too gentle and not get all the poop.  The vet cleaned up the butt for us properly which was real nice of her, and didn’t even charge us for that.  She said that the ass wasn’t even all that dirty but because she’s a chonker she’s a bit flabby back there and the poop gets caught in her folds and when she grooms that’s what she’s grooming.  However she can’t groom with the cone on her head so she ends up being a bit stinky.  Anyway she’s all clean now which is great.

TRENDZ – Clique

I mean imagine if you couldn’t wipe your ass for an entire week, and then occasionally some gorillas or something tried to wipe it for you but they didn’t know what they were doing and got it wrong and just smeared the shit around your ass crack a whole bunch, you’d be pissed, right?  Anyway that’s our cat at the moment, but she only has to be in rectal purgatory for another week.  Anyone starting a death metal band feel free to use Rectal Purgatory as a name.

Why-Not Crew (Kwon Eunbi x KCM x Park Hyunkyu x Mudd the Student) – Why Not

Look at this.  Wouldn’t you be ashamed.

Zico – Freak

This drama video is totally a story about how Zico and his pals discover molka on their phones, run out before the cops come and then get outside and realise that the city has been turned into a smoking ruin that’s overrun by rape-porn-loving zombies and nobody cares.

Youngbin – S.P.M

I actually thought the backing track was okay but it needed someone to do something a bit less “nice” over the top.

Chic&I’s – Summer Story

Some remake of some old song from 1863 that sucks.

Nonstop – Hope Song

Nice to know that Future Idol’s boy groups are just as awkward as their girl groups.

Hy-Five feat. Yang Yoseob of Highlight – Parade

I don’t know what this is but I had to stop listening so I wouldn’t get cancer.

MC.MINZY feat. Eunji – O Eh O

Eunji really is a brave girl to be in this video.

SHAUN – Road

Shaun strikes again with his sajaegi-friendly stock videos but it’s actually not that bad of a song, the over-the-top dubstempisms for no reason kind of suit it better than if it was just coffee lounge land.

The Attire feat. Woosung – Sriracha

I heard the “don’t give a fuck if you don’t like me” lyric and thought “gosh that’s convenient, then you won’t be bothered by this negative review then”.

Chwvin feat. Mokyo – Hate is all around

It’s cool and different enough to keep me listening and giving a shit.  I dig it.

Choi Suhwan – Chance

There’s a fairly high chance this song is bullshit.

Eddie – Turn Up The Radio

I guess I didn’t mind it, it sounds like some pretty derivative 90s bullshit but it’s not trap or squirt squirt whatever so I’ll take it I guess.

Lunch – Never Let’s You Go

They can’t even get the apostrophe use right, so you know the song has little hope.  You can tell a lot about a songwriter by their apostrophe use.

YerangGarang – Just Zip

Some painful bullshit where they think trying to be “zany” will give them a free pass for not having a song worth a damn.  Cocosori and Pungdeng-E both tried that scam before and it didn’t work out for them either.

Kim Yuna – Wave Love

“When we show the underwater shot, pretend that you’re drowning, we’ll use CGI and green screen to make it look realistic, we promise”.

H1GHR MUSIC – BRB

Holy fuck all these people and Jay Park too (still not retired, useless, go make soju dickhead) and not a single thing worth listening to here.  How many rappers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Blase feat. XINSAYNE, SINCE, Mckdaddy – Squeeze

These guys aren’t any good either but at least nobody cares about them, so they bother me less.

Ahn Byeong Woong feat. Colde, Khakii – No Roof

The beat is not too awful here but it’s all so characterless.

Seogi – Nap

Not really into the song but the video is pretty, they did a good job with the colours and stuff.

BUMKEY feat. Anandelight, Ziani – Endemic

Listen to the very first sound at 0:00.  No good song anywhere starts with that sound.

Sucozy – ISTILLCAREABOUT

I just love how they look like the most chill band ever.  If you were dating one of these guys and you fucked five of his friends and let him know he’d just be like “oh okay, well I’m off to band practice, see you tonight babe we’ll talk later ok”.

Dbo feat.Digital Dav – Rockstar Lifestyle

Is Dbo actually in a good song that rocks for once?  Well… no.  In fact he’s even worse than usual here for some reason, which is actually kind of impressive.

TAIN – Sports

Add this to the list of reasons why k-pop and sport should not mix.

Dok2 – Taekwondo Flow

Probably the closest this guy has ever gotten to rapping over an actual beat, I’m impressed for real.  He’ll probably never sound this good again.

The Night of Seokyo feat. ZIEUN – Summer Dream

Very dull.

Ji Ye Song – What Is This

Fucking shit is what it is.

NewJeans – Cookie

Oops last minute inclusion I forgot this latest song from this fucking group, how the fuck did that happen.  Perhaps because it sucks and it’s boring, yes that must be it.  Nice lyrics, ewwww… and people think I’d hate the lyrics for “Nerdy“?  Sure they’re cheesy but it’s way better than this trash!

BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

Rockit Girl – Cool For The Summer (live)

Rockit Girl, always relevant, and especially relevant here at 0:29.  I see they’ve gotten themselves a new keyboard player, but where did the bass guitarist go?  I find Rockit Girl’s constant lineup shifting to be very confusing, I feel like the people at all those Korean pop profile sites should stop slacking and do some sort of member timeline so I can keep up.

Netizens Think These Idols Are OVERDOING To Get Attention

Netizens, always irrelevant.  Of course idols are “overdoing it”, they’re celebrities in the public eye, getting attention is their job you fucking dumb cunts.  All netizens deserve death, but not as much as the YouTube channels and websites who promote their opinions as somehow important.  If people had the basic common sense to disregard netizens, T-ara would have had a much happier life as a group and that alone is enough reason to gather up all the netizen opinion, put it into a big shed and fire GRAD rockets at it.

Yoeun Seol – Vivaldi The Four Seasons – Spring 1st movement

Actually the classical music world sucks too, plenty of stage parents, pushiness and shit music you definitely don’t want to support these people.  Wait, where are you going?  Not to her YouTube channel to see how her playing has gotten better through the years and to leave positive comments, oh no, you’re part of the problem, where’s my mace of +5 cancelling…

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That’s all for this week!  Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!