It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!
Nayeon – POP!
I spent quite a bit of time thinking of what to write about this, and honestly, I still don’t even know. The obvious k-pop comparison is “Bubble Pop” just because of the theme and I guess it’s similarly upbeat (a good thing) but something about it just isn’t grabbing me. It’s still more good than bad overall just because it’s thematically consistent and doesn’t do anything resoundingly stupid. Speaking of stupid, how’s whatshisname doing these days. I wonder if this comeback is up his alley, I’m guessing it’s a bit too racy for him with the low-cut dresses and everything, he made it quite clear when I spoke to him that he “wasn’t into that sort of thing”. He’s full of shit of course. People love to call me creepy but Kpopalypse has always been nothing but upfront and honest, which is the total opposite of creepiness, because real creepiness is all about deception. A real “creep” won’t tell you what they’re into, until they’ve manipulated you to where they want you to be first, that’s why they’re called creeps, because they’re trying to creep their true nature under your radar. Whereas I’ll just tell you straight up that I’m a cunt. Anyway I hope Nayeon is happy and safe and COVID lockdown gave dickface enough downtime to get a clue and move onto something more productive with his life, here’s hoping. [EDIT: just confirmed he’s still psycho and deluded unfortunately, JYP better have the armed guards ready]
Aespa – Life’s Too Short
The 180 degree concept switch for Aespa is a little jarring, if only because they’ve built their image so far as “kick-ass girls straight outta Kwangya”, but it’s still their catchiest song yet and for once the lyrics are even decent. Looking forward to hearing the girls sing that disjointed melody live on a variety show with no backing track or pitch reference, just for funsies.
Charlie Puth feat. Jungkook of BTS – Left And Right
There’s nothing shamefully incompetent here, but it’s still so thoroughly bland that when Charlie’s vocals stopped and Jungkook’s started, I didn’t even notice that there’d been a switch. He might as well not have turned up, what’s the point of even having a guest artist when you can’t even tell if they’re on the track… I mean, besides money and riding off BTS’s newly distraught fanbase of course.
KARD – Ring The Alarm
I’m sorry but now whenever I look at KARD I just wonder which one of the two girls had an affair with Shannon Williams’ ex-boyfriend. I flipped a coin and it said that Somin did it so that’s what I’m going to believe unless someone in the know tells me otherwise, but I do have super Boram ESP powers so I’m usually right about these kind of things. Song sucks by the way in case you’re wondering, but you’re probably not.
fromis_9 – Stay This Way
The underscore group try for Twice beach party vibes but they all look and sound like they had to get up extra early for the video shoot and would rather be in the dorms sleeping.
Taeyeon – Heart
That slow chug-chug blues rhythm, we all know that no good songs start with that, so you know this is junk music before Taeyeon even opens her mouth. At least she looks great in that black dress so that’s something on the positive side. What do you mean “how dare I speak on women”, how dare YOU not recognise that the stylists and costume designers sweated blood and tears to perfect Taeyeon’s outstanding looks once again. Get a grip and stan
Mina Taeyeon you sex-negative misogynist weaklings, also why not vote for her in the Kpopalypse Objectification Survey which is closing soon, CLICK HERE to redeem yourself and cast your all-important vote!
B.I, Chuu – Lullaby
Now you know why the hotel room Chuu is staying in in “TNTHGSWY4:ANHFNHSWY” had two beds, the other one was for B.I. I even got the brown decor, useless bedside shelf, hideous paintings and teddy bear plush correct! Never doubt my super Boram ESP powers.
The Boyz – Sweet
Death, taxes and Universe app.
Sorn – Save Me
Criminal use of the vertical screen format robs us of widescreen Sorn, a crying shame as once again we’re treated to a super generic ballad where they’ve gone all-out on making the singer look amazing but seemingly haven’t given a solitary shit about the music.
TAN – Louder
A promising start with cool keys and bass, but the chorus really shits the bed by simply belonging to a different song.
PSY – 9INTRO
PSY is at his best making dumb party music designed to waste natural resources to, and I think he’s found his niche here. This is cool music for livestock to die of dehydration of as long as they collapse in time to the beat. If only he was as conservative about his water usage as he is about his screen usage because yes we have that fucking vertical mobile phone shit again, ugh.
Kang Daniel feat. sokodomo – How We Live
Remember how the other week Kang Daniel had a really good song? Well this isn’t it.
Boa Kim – Unicorn
You gotta give Boa Kim some love because she’s the actual voice behind a ton of your second-generation k-pop girl group faves. You think it’s your bias singing on the track but actually it was this girl the whole time. Yeah okay this song’s no good but just try to grimly tolerate it and support her anyway, I’m sure she’ll be on something cool again in the future.
Huta – Boom
Let’s just have a moratorium right now on any k-pop artist going “boom shaka laka”. I think it’s safe to say that BigBang have ruined it for everyone else, I can’t hear that phrase anymore without thinking about girls being conned into nightclub prostitution.
Youngjae – Sugar
I kind of got distracted when watching this and ended up looking at footage of Ukranians slapping Russians with artillery for half an hour instead, pretty sure I have ADD or maybe this song’s just really that fucking boring. The Ukrainians put some pretty cool songs in some of their combat footage videos by the way, I hope they win for that reason alone.
Jo Yuri – Opening
Jesus christ who gives a fuck. Next.
Ciipher – You
Those chairs look way too flimsy to trust a dance routine with. How many times do you think they stacked it on those chairs and had to reshoot the scene. The ones in shorts have bruises on their legs for fuck’s sake. I bet they all complained and the CEO was like “just do it again correctly or no rations for you”.
HEYA – Looking At Love
This girl was in Ariaz, according to my song submitter. Remember Ariaz? Of course you don’t, you probably have a life and things to do.
Crystal Tea – Minority
Never mind the song, and yeah sure it’s actually alright, but mainly this just gets mad points for correct Shure 55 microphone usage. Okay so she’s a little bit far away from it in some shots (the 55 is a “dynamic” microphone so it doesn’t have a lot of range, unlike “condenser” microphones that you normally see in a recording studio) but the angle is correct and that’s honestly all I ask. Watch and learn, k-pop CEOs!
Isabella feat. Killagramz – Remedy
Isabella just sort of mumbles her way through. I mean it’s just some “Latin” thing, who really cares, right?
Junny feat. Chungha – Color Me
This sounds weird, some of those chords on the keys are just flat-out the wrong notes. Don’t tell me it’s “jazzy” or some bullshit, that’s crap, you just can’t fucking play the keyboard dude. I played the keys better in my new Loona computer game and there I was trying to sound like shit.
Chae Eun Jung – Whi Hu Hu Hu
Eunjungs who weren’t in T-ara should not be allowed to make music.
Kang So Yeon – Loca Loca
If we let all the Eunjungs make music, we’ll get to where we are now with Soyeon where there’s 57 Soyeons in k-pop. There has to be some kind of standard.
Koala feat. Jay Park – Good 2 Go
Jay Park is so prolific that even after he’s retired he still has time to drop a song for roundup. Jay Park’s “retirement” is going to become like CL’s “American debut”, I think – we’ll get about five or six cracks at it before they finally do it for real.
Jo Gwangil feat. Gaeko – Compensation
As soon as the backing track started up with those eerie voices, I thought “wow, what a great sound – if this isn’t some wacky intro but they actually make that the basis for the entire beat, this is going to be so fucking good”, and they did, and it was. It’s also nice to see Gaeko not suck for once, he was last on a good song in 1963 so it’s great that Gwangil Jo has talked him into doing some real hip-hop here instead of that usual weak R&B nonsense he does.
O.O.O – We’ll
I had high hopes but that relentless on-beat strum just kills it. Thud, thud, thud… I’m just bored.
Dalsia – Late Bloomer
Boring song but I love the audacity of just wholesale stealing a Disney cartoon scene and saying “there you go, that’s the video, cunt”.
Joosiq, Im Soo – Always Here
I hope she was paid well. That’s all I’ve got about this one.
Zhangguyy feat. Ripley – Baby Darling
Why is this guy so fucking happy? Whatever drugs he’s on, they look great, I want some.
Hunjiya – Favorite
Okay, I’ve never heard of her and the song’s dull but her video is super impressive and she has nearly a million views, why do I not know this person. Someone fill me in.
Pado – Sway
It’s that post-rock thing where they play their guitars black-metal style but croon over the top with a mega-slow beat. I guess I don’t mind it, ti’s true kult enough.
Blase feat. Koonta – Pop It
I didn’t like it when I first heard it, but the more I listened the more I realised that this is probably the music I deserve.
Chillin Homie X Khan feat. foggyatthebottom – For Life
For someone who actually got on a Kpopalypse favourites list once, Chillin Homie sure sucks. This is the best of the 256 songs he released this week.
Colde – Fresh
Colde has been good before too. Why did he make something like this. Surely he knows this music isn’t acceptable.
Chvwin – Like Puppy Shit
Accurate song title of the week.
BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
Rolling Quartz – Dynamite (live)
If any group can make a song sound good it’s probably Rolling Quartz, and the fact that they don’t manage to make Dynamite significantly better shows that the song really doesn’t have any hope of being any good no matter who does it. However it’s still great to see them playing live generally speaking, and yes it sounds a bit shabby but that’s only because it IS live and you’re probably not used to seeing Korean artists do the live thing for real without any lipsync, Autotune or guide-track hand-holding.
Wonho – Musical ‘Equal’ poster photoshoot
This behind the scenes poster photo shoot might interest some of you, I feel like it becomes extra relevant from the 3:40 mark, you’re welcome. Also don’t forget that the Kpopalypse Objectification Survey is now live for 2022! Don’t forget to CLICK HERE and cast your all-important vote!
Velvet – 700k sub celebration Pool Vlog
Gosh isn’t Velvet’s YouTube channel doing well. Note how she is careful and doesn’t waste water like PSY. Stan Velvet and conscientious water usage! Also don’t forget that the Kpopalypse Objectification Survey is now live for 2022! Don’t forget to CLICK HERE and cast your all-important vote!
That’s all for this week – Kpopalypse roundup will return next week!