Hi everyone, it’s Kpopalypse back again with another helpful help post of maximum helpfulness! If you’re a BTS fan needing some assistance right now, this post is for you!
So just in case you weren’t in the loop, BTS have just announced that they are going on a hiatus. I know you probably don’t believe me, because let’s face it why would anyone believe my trolling ass about anything at all, so here’s a video where they talk about it and confirm it.
Understandably, this news might have some BTS fans concerned, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t care, or that we shouldn’t try to help them. It’s
incredibly easy to forget that BTS fans are individual humans with feelings that can get hurt especially with all that cyberbullying, doxxing and Scientology-style herd-mentality groupthink that some of them do and that some fans may even be readers of websites such as Kpopalypse.com, so I think it’s important to reach out to BTS fans who might be suffering during these hard times. So here’s some thoughts that might help get all you BTS fans through the long nights of your oppars not being there to fill the void in your life and satisfy your craving for parasocial emotional connection, you’re welcome.
Thought #1 – BTS are actually really happy about this, so you should be happy, too
BTS have been showing the strain for years now, and relentlessly churning out soulless cookie-cutter music to please their CEO and fanbase has certainly taken its toll on their mental health. The video I linked above is actually worth a watch because the boys of BTS do talk quite candidly about suffering burnout and about how their heart hasn’t really been in the game for quite some time, to the point where they’re losing their identity as a group and not getting the opportunity to make the music that they really want to make (from about 20 minutes in they get serious). This probably goes without saying for any BTS fan who is reasonably rational and sensible and has been paying attention to their output, but you may have noticed that not all BTS fans are quite that mature, so it’s nice that BTS themselves have taken the trouble to point this out. So instead of bitching about it like a selfish cunt, try to be happy for your oppars who have finally summoned enough balls to put their foot down with their shitty label and demand the rest that they need.
Thought #2 – HYBE are actually really NOT happy about this, so you should be happy, too
About 0.25 seconds after BTS released their statement about a hiatus, HYBE representatives changed into fresh underwear and contacted the media to say “it’s not a hiatus, really! They’re just not going to do the group for a while!” This apparent contradiction may be confusing, but if you’re having trouble understanding what HYBE really mean, just remember Russian military logic – it’s not a “hiatus”, but more of a “special not-doing-BTS-for-a-while operation”. The need for such desperate doublespeak clearly shows that HYBE aren’t too thrilled about this current eventuality and may have not even been completely ready for it. Perhaps BTS didn’t even tell HYBE what they were going to talk about in their little party video or whatever, or maybe the reps are just really that shit at doing their jobs, but either way we should be happy that the agency who fucked over Gfriend and gave each member of GLAM a six-figure debt is now losing over a billion dollars in stock value. Let’s put this BigHit video here, lest we forget.
Thought #3 – BTS now get to join the military, goody gumdrops
The members of BTS must sure be feeling guilty about not having had the opportunity to serve in the South Korean military, I mean this is the group that actually called their fanbase ARMYs so you know that if nothing else, enlistment is certainly something which is on their minds. So it’s great that they will now get to finally realise their dream and get down in the trenches to do their duty and protect their country. Fans may of course miss them and this is only natural but don’t worry, you can look forward to lots of candid photographs of the BTS boys in sexy military uniforms to expand your fap folders and tide you over until either BTS reform or the members get blown apart by landmines while doing exercises in the DMZ, whatever comes first. Look at these confident young men, ready for the front lines:
Clearly the territorial integrity of South Korea is in good hands. You can trust these brave men.
Thought #4 – Some self-determined BTS solo projects might actually not suck
Maybe you’re one of those BTS fans who actually cares about music quality. Well, if that’s you, then you should be happy right about now. Just because BTS’s output as a group has largely been a total musical waste of time, doesn’t mean that members of the group haven’t shined before in other projects. Those of you characterising Kpopalypse.com as a simple BTS hate site (which is tempting, but incorrect) may have forgotten that BTS’s finest hour on the Kpopalypse favourites lists has actually been an RM solo appearance that wasn’t even released on BigHit/HYBE at all.
This probably isn’t a coincidence – people tend to make much better music when they’re not being forced to do so. So I’m actually having cautiously optimistic feelings about solo material that might come out during the BTS group hiatus. Sure, we’ll probably get the usual insipid solo ballads and cut-price Taemins that k-pop group solo projects often produce, but I wouldn’t be too surprised if we find at least one of the BTS boys moving in a surprising high-quality new musical direction. I’m not reserving a place for them on the favourites list just yet, but we’ll see.
Thought #5 – You can expand your musical horizons (gosh)
Did you know that there are other groups who are a k-pop that are not BTS? You could try and listen to some of them if you wanted.
Here’s a group called VIVIZ, gosh aren’t they pretty and their song is nice too, it’s kind of a disco thing like the last few BTS tracks but with girls instead, and better. Perhaps you could support them while you wait for your BTS oppars to come back from the trenches, hopefully with all of their limbs still intact. Since girls are exempt from compulsory military service, you don’t have to worry about the ladies from VIVIZ having inconvenient career interruptions to go and don military uniforms and dodge shrapnel somewhere (although that would be hot).
I am sure there are other k-pop groups too but I can’t remember their names right now. You could do a search for k-pop groups on the Internet if you wanted.
If you were feeling super extra bold you could even listen to music that is not k-pop at all, but that’s probably a bit adventurous so maybe just forget that I mentioned this.
Thought #6 – You can reflect and return with a more mature image
Now that BTS have come clean and told you exactly what I and many others have also been telling you – that their last few releases have just been lazy dogshit that they’ve been forced to throw out there to shut you up and milk you for money – if you’ve been one of the hardcore “BTS or die” folks, now is a good time to turn over a leaf and be nicer to your fellow k-pop fan. Maybe you could apologise to the other music fans that you disparaged as “multis” just because they also occasionally wanted to listen to actual music as well as the shit your oppars were forced to churn out to fill Bang Si-Hyuk’s pockets. Maybe you could also apologise to some of your fellow BTS fans who complained about their newer songs being bad, now that it’s been revealed that the members of the group feel the same way. You could also reach out to some of those long-suffering k-pop journalists who made the grave mistake of writing anything at all about BTS, and who then were abused by the fandom for it just because they dared to imply that there was more to life than licking the crusties under Jimin’s toenails. If that’s you just leave a comment below I guess along with your social networking details and I’ll pass it on. Not expecting a huge influx here but hope springs eternal.
Thought #7 – You can enjoy your newfound time and disposable income
Without a big k-pop group to follow every waking moment of your life, you should find yourself with a lot more time on your hands. Even better, now that you don’t have to spend thousands of dollars on merchandise for a group that
technically doesn’t exist is on hiatus, you should be able to do lots of other productive things with that money. Like blow it on VIVIZ merch instead. Or… I don’t know, I’m sure you’ll think of something. Send it to me if you don’t know what to do with it. Or perhaps save it, in a few weeks you should have more in the bank than over 99% of k-pop stars. Have fun, kids.