It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!
Rolling Quartz – Holler
I really want to like it, and damn doesn’t it look fantastic, but the riffs and choruses here are both subpar and almost everything else they’ve ever done is better than this. If Rolling Quartz want to sell themselves to k-pop fans as “Dreamcatcher but real” it’s not enough to just get the look right, they need songwriting that can keep up the pace. Usually, they have it. This time, not so much.
Victon – Stupid O’clock
I heard that intro that sounds just like the start of the first Black Sabbath album, and thought “there’s no way they’re not going to fuck this up with some trap bullshit or whatever”. Then, a great bassline appeared and the song just kept rocking and wasn’t shit. How cool it is to be wrong. People get my intentions mixed up all the time, they think I WANT to hate their favourite artists, but no – my musical standards just go up, and yours don’t.
Victon – In Love
Of course their other song is weak but whatever, nobody cares about these lame “live” things.
Adora – Trouble? Travel!
This is what I was talking about with Yerin the other week. Adora kind of has Yerin vibes, but she also has a sound and look here that suits her a lot better.
Punch – Bye Bye
OSTs are exempt from roundup – unless they’re Punch in which case it’s fine. I will make time for Punch. I recognise that guitar sound anywhere, it’s the same person who wrote “Stay With Me“, so you know this is good too. The only problem with any Punch OST video is not enough Punch in the video. Punch is certainly more interesting to look at than any drama scene in any K-drama that would consent to using a Punch song for the soundtrack.
Jo Yuri – Love Shhh!
I was going to write a big thing analysing the backing track here deeply because I had quite a lot to say about it but then I thought that when the TikTokkers inevitably get hold of it they’ll just complain about too many words because nobody of TikTok-using age has the intellectual capacity to read above the level of a 6 year old and I wouldn’t want to upset the sensitive little darlings so never mind.
Gahyeon – Playground
I guess they’re going to cycle through all the girls of Dreamcatcher with these bright sunny solo songs so that way when the next Dreamcatcher song comes out as a full group it can finally be 100% heavy metal madness with no concessions to limp pop styles or apologies given. Here’s hoping, right?
CLASS:y – Classy
Actually reminded me of T-ara’s “Bo Peep” in that it’s completely bassline driven. A pity that the overload of shouty nonsense here tends to kill the groove, there was a lot of potential here.
PSY – Everyday
“Everyday” rightfully focuses on PSY’s main strength – as a high-energy performer. The actual music is a thuddingly generic afterthought but it’s designed only to go off on a large stage such as the one depicted in the video. It performs the required function, no more or less.
Taeyong – Ghost
Taeyong grimaces as he shakes around in shiny synthetic fabric which should be enough to satisfy his fans, but I doubt anyone else will give a shit.
Lucy – Blue Voyage
The song isn’t bad but I’m totally distracted by the music video where every single instrument shown sounds completely different to how it actually sounds in real life. It’s like that Russian TV guitar solo video times four!
Trainee A – Ain’t No Privacy
Apparently recorded by a HYBE trainee… but I’m not sure why they even need training if all they’re going to do is prance around their bedroom and turn Autotune on.
Dvwn – Lost
Mind you some of the independent artists they’ve bought up aren’t any better.
Stray Kids – Your Eyes
Anyone who thinks I’m biased towards Stray Kids, just know that this song is shit and that just because this group have a marginally better hit/miss ratio than most, doesn’t mean they aren’t just as capable of releasing total bullshit music as anyone else out there.
Pink Sweat$, P1Harmony – Gotta Get Back
The song starts off with the lyrics “I know I’m not perfect”, ain’t that the truth.
BLANK2Y – Thumbs Up
I’m giving this one the thumbs down.
BLANK2Y – Touch
Won’t red-soled shoes leave marks on that hardwood flooring, I think it’s time for the gym instructor to intervene.
Bvndit – Don’t mess with me
Don’t mess with me while I stand politely in a line and sing when I’m told to. Well gosh, okay then.
AB6IX – Sucker For Your Love
At least the standing in a line politely concept suits this song a little better just because it doesn’t have such a confrontational pose…. oh and it’s a better song too.
CIX – Round 2
I was touring the tropics last week with a group and the greenery looked a bit like it does in this video. And that’s the most interesting thing I have to say about anything here.
CIX – 20
I guess this is what they mean by the “greenhouse effect”. Let’s all be very environment and not burn so many carbons because we don’t want a future where we have to be trapped in the same atmosphere as songs like this.
ONEUS – Fragile
I should stop including every thoughtless “live for TV” and “performance” video in roundup because B-listers churn out so many of these and they’re rarely worth looking at twice. It’s also crowding up the roundup because there’s only so much space and I want more nugus. I had to chop a TON of artists who need and deserve coverage out of each roundup to make way for crap like this and it’s not fair, so starting from next week expect me to be even more of a cunt.
JO1 – Algorithm
These guys have a new song each week and it always sucks. Sometimes I ask myself why I bother but then I realise that there probably is value in letting you know about the sheer volume of horrible crap out there.
Moonbyul – My Moon
I mean, what is this waste of time. Even diehard Moonbyul fans aren’t going to be listening to this in a month from now.
Onew – Kira Kira
Do we really care that a SHINee member is doing a Japan thing? Of course we don’t. Next.
Onew – Uroko
Look at that chair. Do you know how long music video shoots take? Just the prep work for the hair and makeup alone is hours. Say a prayer for Onew’s ass having to sit on that thing for so long.
Rush – Hate You
Not the 70s progressive rock group, but yet another new group from Future Idol that nobody will remember. Even their parents will probably say to them in a few years “remember back when you were in that idol group…. what was their name again, I forget… anyway I’m glad you got yourself a job and you’re not doing that nonsense anymore”.
YuA – I Like That
More AI idols, oh joy. For a country so obsessed with perfection, they sure do “perfect” really badly.
Aimy Moon – Ephyra
And here’s the lower-budget version, which is even more painful musically.
Xindy – Mermaid
Really quite devastatingly crap, with painful vocal overdubs conspiring to make the song something truly special in the worst possible sense.
Yerin Baek – Pisces
The other girl who was in 15& does another thing, and it’s a thing. Next.
Koyo – Party
It’s amazing how good videos look from people I’ve never heard of.
Padi feat. B.I, Nucksal, Kid Milli, Gaeko – Handsome
Actually pretty cool and unusual sounding.
Team Pathfinder – Ask Me
What is this? How does it have 4 million views and it’s also a rock band? Why is it so good? Why is everyone so smiling and happy and giving me creepy weird christian rock vibes? Why does it rock so hard anyway? Why can’t more Korean rock music be like this?
KyU – Wish for Summer
My wish for summer is less crap music. Pity that summer is still 6 months away where I live.
Lilla – Who I Am
Not much of a track but I like this guy’s committment to rapping against unusual backdrops that don’t exactly scream out “rap video”.
Se2 feat. Bona Zoe – Red Chunk
Not bad, this is the type of stuff that gets constantly sidelined in roundup because your stupid faves released five different “live” videos of their rubbish b-side tracks that suck and which are actually all mimed anyway.
Raffina – Shot Shot Shot!
There’s definitely some LGBT vibes here so this is just a reminder to expect the next installment of the Try Not To Have Gay Sex With Yves computer game series out sometime this month!
RUMKICKS – Punk is nowhere
They’re reading your comments! Hey nothing wrong with looking clean and neat, I like it when people put effort in. Alcohol is also overrated. You do you. That’s ideally what punk should be about, after all.
Junoflo – Midas Touch
Like a lot of rappers, Junoflo can be good when he wants to be. Like a lot of Korean rappers, that’s approximately 2% of the time.
Walo feat. Brown Trigger – No Back
“Hey, you with the sports car… dude, I’ll pay you $50 to drive this car onto our music video set and leave it here for an hour with the door open so it looks like I own it, cheers, thanks bro”.
B-FREE – Politician
Someone please tell me if he’s just generically against all politicians here or if he’s making some sort of statement about something specific, curious minds would like to know. He’s giving the finger to a Moon Jae-In poster here so does that mean he’s down with team incel?
The Night of Seokyo feat. SHIN – The Night Sky
Who is this girl because she has Taeyeon vibes I think. Annie, please rate her on the Taeyeon scale.
EDIT: Annie’s response
Rockit Girl – One Shot
One of my local music stores is selling the exact model of Dean “Dimebag” Flying V shown in this video, but they’re selling it for like twenty gazillion bucks because Dean Guitars lost the license to make Dimebag models so all those guitars are now “rare” or something. However the entire reason Dean lost the license in the first place is because they were churning out cheap shitty guitars with the “Dime” brand on them that didn’t pass QC and Dimebag’s family got pissed off about the low quality, so by that rationale it should be worth about ten cents. I tried to explain this logic to the guitar store but they didn’t see it the same way and agree to give me a $3000 discount for some reason. I guess they were Rockit Girl fans.
Rockit Girl – Rain in the sky
This one doesn’t even have the band in it. Such a lazy video, they know that all they need to do is put Leeseul in the video and even if she’s wearing the worst clothes ever people will click. Of course they’re right, but it’s still annoying and I’d rather have one amazing looking Rockit Girl video every few months than a new rush-job every week.
SECOND GENERATION KPOP GROUP REFUGEES SCRATCHING AT THE CHICKEN WIRE SECTION
Bekah x The Brewz – Turn Me Loose
One of the girls that was a victim of After School gets to finally do something musical again, and it’s nothing earth shattering but mainly we’re just happy that she’s alive and seems well fed and content.
Cats Drink Coke – We On The Moon
I’m less certain about this ex-Boyfriend member, who looks terribly anemic. I’m convinced that those loose shirts are to hide his skinny arms and the reason why they gave him that lounge chair to sing on was because they didn’t want him exerting himself by standing up for extended periods.
Jeonyoul – Like It
I know what you’re thinking, why is one of the Stellar girls performing in underwear again, didn’t the group say they were totally against that sort of thing? Well, there’s a world of difference between working for yourself and working for someone else.
Kei – Starry Road
I know that I promised Kei is the “roundup header girl” until further notice, but she is going to lose her status as punishment if she keeps going at this rate.
Limzy feat. Ryu Sujeong – If U
Lovelyz’ song quality definitely didn’t make the transition into solo form, did it.
QUEENDOM 2 STILL SUCKS AND YOU’RE AN IDIOT FOR ALLOWING YOUR INTELLIGENCE TO BE INSULTED EVERY TIME YOU CARE ABOUT KOREAN TV COMPETITION SHOWS
Viviz – Red Sun!
Because MNet are weird and oddly merciful they haven’t made the final Queendom 2 video content available to watch in my country, so I have to provide you the “full cam” long-distance versions of the stages instead, which for some reason they did make available. Which sucks because the best part of the Viviz stage is definitely the outfits. The music comes off like a shit version of Yeojin’s “Kiss Later“, which still makes it the best content of Queendom 2 by far.
Loona – Pose
Loona continue down their current path of being generally screechy and annoying. Just because they can yell doesn’t mean that they should.
Brave Girls – Whistle
The weird intro where a somewhat better song plays for about two seconds is all the music you’re going to get out of this one.
WJSN – Aura
WJSN probably have the most impressive looking stage at least as far as these full-cam versions go, but that doesn’t help their bland song any.
Hyolyn feat. Lee Youngji – Waka Boom (My Way)
The usual fraudulent female empowerment-lite junk food that k-pop usually does a lot better than this. That is, until Lee Youngji turns up and steals the song for about 35 seconds before fucking off and letting Hyolyn get back to being unexciting.
Kepler – The Girls (Can’t Turn Me Down)
The flames at the front of the stage were neat, I was hoping the backing dancers would give the girls a little push forward.
Hyolyn, Eunha, Yuna, Heejin, Seola, Yeseo – Epilogue
Oh have a shit ballad that technically isn’t even eligible for roundup because it’s essentially an OST when you think about it. Look at all that montage footage. The people who make this content truly hate your fucking guts. Just the mere fact that you care or even think about this show at all disgusts them (which is why they defraud you so often, and will continue to do so each and every time a new show like this emerges). They would spit on you physically if they could, but since they can’t get away with that, disrespectfully shoving this thoughtless cookie-cutter ballad at you as the final insult will have to do.
BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
LOOK AT THIS FUCKING QUAIL
THIS CHONKER OF A QUAIL JUST TURNED UP AT MY HOUSE AND STARTED DIGGING AND SHIT WHAT THE FUCK
LOOK AT THIS QUAIL
LOOK AT IT
Jessi reads thirst tweets
A massively disappointing selection of tweets from the Buzzfeed staff who seemingly weren’t making a shred of effort to show Jessi anything provocative enough to make the show interesting – or maybe they were scared of what she might say. Maybe that’s valid, but it makes her reacting to these very boringly polite tweets relatively dull compared to when Wonho did a similar video. Anyway while Jessi is very far from my type physically and her music mostly leaves me cold, I like her attitude and general outlook on life a lot and everyone should aspire to Jessi levels of honesty and self-confidence in whatever they apply themselves to in life.
PRISTIN Kyla – Kpop’s worst Body Shaming Victim 2016 – 2022
This video isn’t perfect and there’s a few inaccuracies, but overall it’s a pretty good overview to give you a sense of the incredible bullshit that Pristin’s Kyla had to put up with through her k-pop career. I’ve always had lots of time for Kyla and I still do, it’s a shame that she’ll probably never talk openly about what went on in her group, but hopefully she’s happy that all the bullshit is now behind her.
That’s all for this week! More Kpopalypse roundup next week!