It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out some new releases!

NCT Dream – Beatbox

Pretty lacking in the rhythm department given the promise inherent in the title, the super-minimalist beat and millennial-whooping chorus are musically about as far away from the feel of hip-hop beatboxing as anything I can think of.  Someone confiscate those ghetto blasters and donate them to people who could use them for good not evil.

GOT7 – Nanana

“Nanana” narrowly escaped a review here last week due to being released a fraction too late, so I was all prepared to go in with my mind fully engaged this time and give the most high-quality review that I could to say thank you to the long-suffering GOT7 fans who had been patiently waiting for 6 days, 23 hours and 45 minutes.  Then I played the song and heard the guy go “brrt brrt” and quickly stopped giving a fuck.  If they’re not taking their music seriously, why should I?

Bvndit – Venom

Looks and sounds stylish and cool mainly because it actually has some fucking tempo unlike 99% of k-pop comebacks these days, but they do that horrible thing where they put the backings and the melodies in two completely different tonalities as if two different songwriters wrote them in two completely separate sealed-off rooms, which is a real shame because this song would have been kick-ass if they had lifted up their individual cones of silence and compared notes on melodic usage a little better. 

Seventeen – Hot

It’s so weird to me how k-pop fans are so obsessed with vocals, in a genre where the Autotune is used on literally everything, whether it’s blatantly obvious and annoying, like it is here, or whether it’s subtle and you can’t really tell, like all those ballads where people think they’re singing with such “stability” and “resonance” like the machine isn’t smoothing everything over.  No wonder the scammers are lining up to lie to you all with their scam concerts – stop acting so stupid and gullible, and maybe concert promoters will stop treating you as such.

Yerin – Believer

Another song that doesn’t really suit Yerin, but I’m not sure what’s wrong this time.  It’s an alright song actually (god knows it’s better than 99% of this week’s trash) but something’s not right, and it’s frustrating because I can’t figure it out.  You are tearing me apart, Yerin!

Kang Daniel – Upside Down

How do I get a gig riding one of those BMX bikes so I can “accidentally” get too close and slap Daniel in the face with my handlebars.

CLASS:y – Tell Me One More Time

Watch what happens at 0:28.  At first it looks like it’s Hyeju who forgot her lines and then suddenly remembered but no, I think what really happened is Seonyou in front of her in the lineup moved away earlier than she should have, and should have stayed singing until 0:36, at which point then it was Hyeju’s turn.  Instead Seonyou fucks off to the side early, and Hyeju takes a few seconds to realise that she’s exposed and awkward, then realises that she’s front and center so she better do something, looking stupid as Seonyou left her in the lurch.  I bet there was some hair-tearing nail-scratching fights in the dorms after this was shot.

Gwangil Jo ft. FANA – On And On

Gwangil Jo is generally pretty good, all the time.  I can’t really evaluate his rap skill (for reasons) but I do know that he generally has good taste in beats, and he also doesn’t do that “skrrt skkrt brrt brrt woo woo” fucking garbage that is the domain of oxygen-wasting morons who should be killed.  So he’s alright by me.

Lightsum – Alive

The video looks stunning, every shot is like taking an eye-bath, and the song is… well it’s not terrible (quit your crying, this is actually a huge compliment given that it’s 2022 brrt brrt) but Kim Garam still has better taste in chalkboard art.

NINE.i – Wasted Youth

Actually not bad.  Someone remembered that pop songs actually tend to sound better when they have melodies in them.

Yesung – Monologue

Don’t get too excited there, you fuckwit.

Tophyun – You And The Moon

A drama video where literally nothing happens.  The guy and the girl stand on the porch and stare at each other and stare at the trees and smile a bit, and that’s it, end of the story.  He doesn’t get a sword out and slice his dick off, she doesn’t flash him a titty, nothing.   I don’t know what I expected to happen, but what I got was even less. 

Forestella – Save Our Lives

I’ve been listening to a lot of Galerynus lately for no reason other than the YouTube algorithm and any sort of operatic music without insanely fast drums and guitars now just seems like they’re being a bunch of lazy little bitches.  Make an effort, shitheads.

Bukyng – Letter

These k-pop videos that look like real-estate ads, where everything is painted white because that’s the colour that the least amount of customers have a problem with… well, I have a problem, cunt.

Lazybone – Hey Buddy

When you legitimately can’t tell if it’s a punk/ska song or a children’s TV song.

Mool – Loss

It takes a while to get there, but it does eventually rock, in a plaintive, very polite sort of way.

Moon Sujin ft. Tabber – Right Back

They really went to town on the visuals and presenting Moon Sujin in the best possible light, but the song is repetitive and goes nowhere as interesting.

Hello Gloom – Young Boy

More like hello Autotune.

Son Chamchi – I

I… am bored.

We Are The Night – Who Are You

Radiohead isn’t the problem.  Their fans who start their own bands are the problem.

Miichi – Bad Boy

Rock music can sound great but not when it’s Autotuned to death.  Nobody wants to hear bands do this.  I can’t even imagine what would happen if a band dared to step on stage in my home town with that much Autotune on their voice.  The bottles and 50 cent pieces would be flying.

Giriboy – Issu Du Feu

Issu Du Peu. 

Actually I jest, it’s not that terrible but it’s such a cheap and stupid joke to make and I’m an asshole who likes cheap stupid jokes so fuck it.

Soo Yeony – To You

“Live clip”, hey.  So you have a perfectly tuned PA out there on the beach, well okay then.  K-pop fans will swallow anything.

Ovan – Do I Do

Maybe you do, but I would prefer that you do not.

Keith Ape – Shinnok’s Spire

He’s not even trying anymore.

Tro – Shade

A drama video that actually appears to be about trying to make it happen in the k-pop industry but I got so bored by the song that I stopped caring.

Nine9 – Don’t Hate My Love

Wow, “don’t hate my love” sounds like exactly something a rapist would say when you refuse to give them your phone number or let them walk you home for the 253rd time and they still won’t listen.  Watch out for young Korean guys, plenty of them are on that entitled incel shit.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

Voiceplay ft. Alexa – Enemy (acapella)

HOLY FUCKING SHITTING ASS LICKING CUNT BALLS does Alexa look amazing in Jinx cosplay.  I’ve never seen Alexa look better than this (which is saying a lot as Alexa generally looks some level of way above average all the time), and I’ve definitely never seen any Jinx cosplayers look better than this.  It’s a pity that Alexa has to share so much screentime with these acapella guys as they sing some song that I really don’t care about, because I’d rather just see more of her, bring on the Alexa-only version.  I knew that stupid computer game was good for something.

The failure of KPOP FLEX – the mega festival mega disaster

All of you who were interested in my guide to k-pop concerts might be interested in more stories of the kinds of issues that can transpire in a k-pop concert when it’s badly organised.  This video talks in great detail about the many and varied issues at Germany’s KPOP FLEX concert, and even touches on a few things that I didn’t go into great depth about concerning shady promotional tactics and general disorganisation.  However it’s interesting that the first and most obvious red flag – “teasing the lineup” instead of releasing the full list of groups immediately – is also something that I mentioned in my guide, and you can rest assured that this is ALWAYS a sure sign of an event that is going to be either a scam or a disaster, on some level.  This video is an essential watch if you’re considering attending a k-pop mega-event.

Shannon Williams’ ex bf cheated on her with one of those KARD bitches, what a cunt, hey

Seriously, guys can be such pigs sometimes.  I may have said/done/advocated for almost everything else on the scandal scale but I’m yet to cheat on a partner.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying cheating is always bad (I mean, what if your partner is a dick who deserves to be cheated on), but if you ever find yourself dating Shannon Williams, I think you should just be grateful how good you have it and keep it in your pants when you’re around other people who are a kpop.  Or if you want to fuck someone else, well then okay, but don’t string Shannon along like everything’s all “just friends”, just come out with it and be honest, have the balls and the respect to have the conversation first, not afterward.  Anyway this video is worth sharing not so much for the gossip factor (I mean, I don’t care about who’s banging who, really) but Shannon’s description of how idol relationships are closeted by default because of the dumb culture, and how infidelity naturally fits in like a glove with all of that, correlates absolutely dead-on with other (public and private) conversations I’ve had with those in-the-know, so it’s nice to see someone actually say it out loud so you don’t have to just take my word for it that people are secretly telling me this stuff.

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That’s all for this week!  Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!