It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!

Apink – I want you to be happy

Apink’s usual bi-annual “for the fans” waste of time.  Apink’s actual proper feature tracks have been consistently good over the last few years, imagine if instead of shitting out another ultra-generic sentimental turdpile that is exactly the same as the ones any other group does, they instead used that chance to give us another track like “Dilemma“, now that really would make us happy.  It’s the opportunity cost that hurts the most.

Purple Kiss – Pretty Psycho

Basically an uptempo Mamamoo track, but better, because they’ve actually added enough chord changes to make it an interesting song. 

Purple Kiss – Oh My Gosh

A pity about their other song but oh well.  Junk b-sides don’t really even deserve coverage here.

Swervy – January Embers

Swervy continues to outclass pretty much everyone in Korean hip-hop, it appears that unlike most of her peers she might actually have some broader musical horizons.  She must feel frustrated slumming it with everyone else on her label. 

BOL4 – Seoul

I’m not sure what I’m more tired of, the “Soul/Seoul” false equivalence in the lyrics of far too many k-pop songs, or BOL4 ever since they became a solo project.

Ha Sungwoon – La La Pop!

As soon as you can see that a song is on the Universe music channel, you can safely disregard its entire existence.  Of course, I should have done the same.

NCT Dream – Rewind

I’d rather fast forward… to the next song.

Drippin – So Good

Like any sensible person I recoiled instantly in horror at the retina-shredding colours and garish fashion, but once I finished vomiting, I’ve got to admit that song was… tolerable.  I’d rather listen to the music again than watch the video with those horrid sportball jerseys.

Verivery – Undercover

Most of the things wrong with boy group k-pop in 2022, all in the one track.  That is, until 2:35, where it suddenly becomes a completely different and much better song, and stays that way for the remainder.  Such a bizarre songwriting decision, on par with Teddy’s “jump the shark” Blackpink post-second-chorus moments, but making even less sense here because the song’s first two thirds are such obvious trash.

YOUNITE – 1 of 9

“Innocent” boy-group-debut-by-numbers.  Next.

MCND – Juice

“Rebellious” boy-group-debut-by-numbers.  Except this one isn’t a debut, but it might as well be.  Next.

HA:TFELT – Fine!

I like avocado, stop ruining it for me by associating it with R&B thanks.

Pretty – Dear U

Probably the best song from Future Idol yet, but it takes more than $500 and some white-filters to be Gfriend.

Kim Sung Kyu – Savior

This stab at an 80s lighter-waving rock song tries hard but is ruined by too many vocals, too much of the time.

Ryeowook – Bluebird

Next time can we dump him in the woods and just leave him there?

Kandis – Show Me Your Vibe

You know that none of these are actually live, right?  Korean pop doesn’t like to leave anything to chance just in case one of the girls screams out “help me” or something.

Aquinas – Where Are You?

A reasonable song from the group who sound like they’re named after a MOBA character.  They perform okay but definitely could use a reskin. 

Hookuo – Mind Odyssey

Minus 32460986234 points for doing a bass part on an electronic keyboard.

THE-HRTZ – Dreaming

And another 32460986234 points deducted, wow how much better would that bassline sound on an actual bass guitar instead of some blobby synth patch with no sustain.  Lame “visualisers” like this featuring a short loop that endlessly repeats are not eligible for roundup anyway, so please don’t sumbit these.  Giving this one a reluctant pass because the song is decent.

Platform Stereo – Vulture

When the singer gets covid but insists on showing up to the music video shoot anyway.  Cool song though so I guess if they get infected it’s for a good cause.  Wouldn’t want to miss roundup, right?

W24 – Missing You J

It’s okay, but how is this mop-mullet thing coming back in Korea these days.  Kids at my school used to look like this, and in the 90s we quickly cut those mullets off out of sheer embarrasment.  If only we knew we could have shaved our heads and then sold them decades later.

Doorlesshouse – Drifting

I was pretty bored listening to this, but I reckon the band were more bored than me when they made it.

Elo – Can’t Be Happy

It’s weird how actual music sometimes comes out of AOMG.  Who expected it?  I’m really not into the balls-cut-off vocals but it’s not too bad overall.

THETHE – In Half The Time

The Korean The The is actually significantly better here than the English The The.  If you don’t know who I’m talking about, be grateful.

Lanalogue – Stereo Out!

Lanalogue sound like Led Zeppelin’s “Kashmir” until it gets to that drum breakdown and then they sound like Black Sabbath’s “War Pigs“.  While I don’t mind either of those groups, I wouldn’t listen to them for pleasure if I was at home and had a choice of listening to anything ever made ever, and I wouldn’t listen to this again by choice either.

Jane Chan – Trying to do what I can do

Jane Chan was in some k-pop group called The Ark who only lasted for one fairly unspectacular song back in 2015.  Her new song isn’t all that much better unfortunately.  She says in the lyrics that she can’t keep up with the new slang so perhaps she should keep reading and learn a few extra words to spice up her next track a bit.

Say Sue Me feat. Kim Oki – To Dream

No furries in k-pop videos please.

Kyung Dasom – I’m Sorry Mother

Okay the song is garbage but at least she apologised to her family for it, props for that.

Kim Young Heum – Let’s Dance with Me

This guy isn’t even trying to sing anywhere near the mic, clearly he had no idea which way to point it so he just gave up.

Lazybone – Pyramid

If I want to watch someone play a shit platform game while crap reggae plays I’ll just go watch some hot game streamer on Twitch.

Kim Kyung Hoon – Two Faces

Sorry if you were waiting a while for this post – roundup was a little delayed this week because I took a while listening to the songs and then when the time for this song came on I had to do a massive dump that took forever, and just when I got off the toilet and pressed play on this song again I realised that I wasn’t quite done yet so I had to race back to the bowl a second time.  That’s got nothing to do with this song of course, or maybe it does.

Bowl – Me before you

What’s up with that beach it looks fucked over there.

Aron feat. Touch the Sky – 10/21

Love it how he just throws the marijuana reference in there.  If they’re going to put that kind of stuff in their songs, can they please be a bit more forthright when they get busted?  For all Iron’s faults at least when he went to prison he said “I believe in 420 all day” or words to that effect instead of the usual “I’m sorry for disappointing you” rubbish.

OuiOui – Lover

mrcs

Kim Nayoung – Dial My Number

I’m pretty sure a phone booth is for making calls, not receiving them.

Hyerim – Your World

Another refugee from Girls Planet 999, this time with a decent song.  It goes up!

Song Gain – Promise under the moon

This trot is too leaden to be really cool or anything.

Hong Ji Yun – The Queen of Love

More restaurant-tier trot which definitely isn’t going to get anyone under the age of 70 excited.

MUL, feelDa, H:SEAN – 52

I definitely feel like that guy tied up in that chair.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

Wonho – First Hotel Staycation Vlog – Is a Hotel Staycation usually this tough?

This is just the male version of all those Velvet videos.  He knows what he’s doing.

Velvet – What does Velvet do after work? Shopping date with me.

This is just the female version of all those Wonho videos.  She knows what she’s doing.

Aespa – full performance at Coachella 2022

I have to put this here or people will ask me about it.  Yes they performed and yes it was a thing.  They have zero stage presence, the stage is practically eating them alive.  I really need to update my old stage presence article for the third generation of k-pop fans so I can explain this better.

Actual gay moments in k-pop

I’ll let my readers decide how gay these are.  Do you have the determination to determine gayness levels?  If so, have fun!

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That’s all for Kpopalypse roundup for this week!  More roundup next week!