It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out some new releases!

Jackson Wang – Blow

The tempo variations are pretty ill-advised and definitely weren’t needed, but other than that, this k-pop reworking of Ghost’s “Square Hammer” hits the mark well enough.

Purple Kiss – memeM

The usual Blackpinkian, aespaish thing, suffering from too many ideas crammed into too small a space.  This would have been a better song with half the music in it.  I’ll just look at Swan and think of England, I guess.

Kwon Eunbi – Glitch

Some cool “drum and bass” sounds that k-pop doesn’t usually explore make this Eunbi’s best song so far by a wide margin, and for once in k-pop songs even the dubstep drop actually makes sense.  It doesn’t have the killer chorus hook that it needed to really smash the song quality out of the park but just the fact that the beat hustles along quickly is a big plus point.

BAE173 – Jaws

Definitely did not make me feel like a shark chiki chika chu.

Kingdom – Ascension

Amazingly good video with postcard-worthy set design and everybody looking stunning, I’m not gay or anything but I would probably suck most of these guys off if they asked nicely and agreed to wear those hanboks during the act.  If only the music was put together with as much care as the visuals.

ILY:1 – Love in Bloom

Way better than the usual tropical house shit because the plinky crap at the start is actually spelling out the harmony, it’s like Hyomin’s “Mango” if the marimba player wasn’t blind and deaf.  This means that by the time the slightly cringe chorus comes around, you’ve heard enough actual music that you’re okay with it.

ILY:1 – Azalea

No it’s not the Rolling Quartz song from last week, but some other track that’s just a poorer quality early SNSD/Gfriend by numbers, what a pity.

Pritti-G – Let Me Out

Not bad but seriously constrained by the lack of anything punchy happening in the percussion.  If only the drums hit as hard as the school library fashions.

Solar – Chap Chap

Look at those white stringy things on her head, in what world is that a good look.  You can bet that as soon as the show is over she went backstage and screamed “fuck these fucking things, someone get this shit off me because I’m about to bash a cunt”.

Brave Girls – You and I

This is what idols look like when there’s no choreography – the polar opposite of anything resembling “stage presence”.  These girls are “brave” indeed, swaying back and forth trying to be as non-committal as possible, wondering what else the fuck to do with themselves now that nobody’s helping them.  I don’t mean that sarcastically.  They are literally looking for a life raft.  I just want to SMS a dance routine to them and get them out of the woods.

CIX – Pinky Swear

Great set design, and little else to care about.  If you look closely in the reflection of the spoon at 1:33 you can see a reflection of all BTS’s Grammy award wins.

Younite ft. DJ Juice – Everybody

Just sort of plods along expecting me to give a fuck for some reason.  It gets a little better during the breakbeat hip-hop section though, if they used that beat for the entire song maybe I would have cared.

NINE.i – Parallel Universe

When you get kicked out of Nugu Park so you have recreate it in your own video.

TAN – My Girl (for Fan)

This song is actually billed as “for the fans” content right there in the title but it’s actually more broadly appealing.  Some decent pace definitely helps it out.

Heize – Mother

Heize doesn’t need her mother as much as she needs to super-size her next fast food order.  Hey I’m not into body shaming either but when someone is looking that unhealthy I’m not going to pretend that the elephant isn’t in the room, that’s for other sites.  People come to Kpopalypse for the real deal, and Heize really needs to eat more foods.

Younha – Event Horizon

See, Younha looks good here, like she’s not dying, like she actually had lunch today.  Why can’t we have more of that.

Suho – Grey Suit

Actually alright, but damn it sure could use some harder edges to the sound.  Far too smooth for its own good, it’s one squealing, out-of-control distorted guitar away from being great.  A metal band could cover this and absolutely smash it.

WEi – Blossom

Eh.

Kizuna Simulation – Perfect Choice

Doesn’t quite hit the mark musically the way that other “j-pop style k-pop groups” do, but it’s still far better than listening to actual j-pop and at least it fucking moshes.

Fresh – Party

Future Idol, the agency so traversed in the ways of the nugu that they had an entire Nugu Alert episode dedicated just to them, are still pumping out groups by the truckload that never seem to last more than one solitary song.  As usual the songs are never any good, but one of the Everglow girls apparently had her start here so here’s hoping that at least someone in this lot gets to realise their dreams to do something ever again.

UV x Choi Siwon – Riding

People thought I was joking about the Siwon LGBT thing – all you doubters, do you finally see it now?  This is nothing more than a Korean gay version of Namewee and Yua Mikami’s “I Shot You“, and of course they have to be a bit more subtle to get past Korea’s love of censorship, but it’s still blatant enough for anyone smart to get the picture.  Kpopalypse on the right side of history yet again.

Youngbin – 0100

This is not a song, it’s a tax file number.

D Na Ade – Only You

Nothing much happening here of interest.

Long Time No Shit – Go Your Way

These guys have been on Nugu Alert before, but I’m not so keen on their new song.  10/10 for attitude however.

Mona – For Our Peace

The Ukraine war songs in k-pop have begun.  Unfortunately this one’s nearly as depressing as the war itself.  Where’s Rockit Girl when you need them, I have a feeling they would do it right.

Rockstar Boys – Rapunzel

Very little rock to be had here unfortunately.

Gangpaso with Baakhaan – Beam.

Not sure what this is meant to look or sound like really but it has a real “wasteland” feel to it even though I’m sure they’re just chilling shooting a video by the beach and having a good time.

Se.A – Ore Ore

mrds

Effie – We’re Not Forever

Very bland.  I’m not sure if removing the Autotune would make it better or worse, probably neither.

Joosiq – Baby I Need You

Omg so clingy, if you want him that bad try throwing in a metal guitar solo.

Yugyeom feat. Coogie – Take You Down

The label that Jay Park left because even he thought they were too boring, some artist on them just released a thing.  Do you care?  No?  Let’s move on then.

Kwon Jin Ah – Pink!

If a furry walks up to you and gives you a lolly, just put it in your pocket and tell them you’ll eat it later, it’s the most low-conflict way to make them go away without getting drugged and waking up in the back of someone’s van.

Daybreak x Lucy – The Answer

I took half an hour to watch this one just because I kept getting distracted with other videos.

ARB – Trace

“Always Rock & Roll Band” sure aren’t living up to their name.

Lee Hye & Lymm – Make me feel!

They made me feel boredom.

Bang Yongguk – OFF

Someone asked me if this beat went hard – of course it doesn’t.  Sure the track sounds a bit like a sped-up version of “Bomaye“, but it definitely could use a few more Black Nuts.

Ryu jeoung woon – Raincloud

More fuzzy-jumper wearing bullshit.

SWJA – Burst it all

Sunwoojunga continues to be boring.  I suppose she could have another good song one day, at least theoretically.

San E, An Da Eun – Spring Is Come By Chance

Not the worst thing San E has ever done, but that’s not saying a lot because he’s sure been responsible for a lot of crap over the years.

Lionesses – Will you be my Groom?

No dog-whistle here, lyrically this is straight up “we are gay” fullstop.  It’s a pity that their music so far has been painfully bad, like a straight person’s parody version of what they think “gay Korean music” sounds like.  Compare this to N.O.M and the difference is like night and day… or the front hole and the back hole.

Ju Hyun Mi – Misiryeong (The Woman)

Some boring song.

Kim Ki Ha – Misiryeong (The Man)

Pretty much the same boring song but with a guy singing.

Gunny – Work Out

This makes me want to quit my gym membership.  I’ll never be as fit as these crazy people.

Jang Min Wook – Strong Man

I don’t even know if this guy knows how to use the mic or not because he’s nowhere near it.  Does he even know what it does?  Dude, it’s not an ornament.

Queen – Soaring

The good instruments here are the ones that you can’t see.  All this effort to make it look traditional and there’s a metal band hiding in the back somewhere who really should have gotten some more airtime.

Sikboy feat. Anandelight, GFU, GSON, JD-VANIC, Jazzmal – YNC Remix

Lots of beats and rappers, none of them worth a damn.

Kuen – Shut Up & Groove

Upside-down, but still correct.

Lim Sang Hyun – Honey Milk Tea

I just want to run up to the set and push all the TVs off their little white pedestals.  I bet at least one film crew member was sacked because they couldn’t resist the temptation, and then the production designer had to go out and buy a whole new lot of TVs and shoot it all again.

Feeldog – Detox

Loving the top comment here: “What I like the most about this MV is that it expresses the same feelings as the music, in visual form. The faded white, the isolation of the painting on the wall, the contrast of those checkerboard Vans on Feeldog’s feet… Even the air in his loose clothing feels like the white space of the track’s musical production. I love this.”  They’re not wrong but they’ve also encapsulated why I hate it so much.  It sounds exactly how it looks, and it looks boring.  White space, indeed.

Clouded Moon – Personal Statement

My personal statement is I’m bored of sleepytime “indie” bolocks.  Way too much of it this week!

Lee Hae Won – The Love Of God Gives Me The Air I Breathe

Wow, what a doozy of a song title!  Not gonna lie though, the song is really quite nice.  I’m not sure about the decision to apply the lord’s vibrato to every single note, but apart from that I have no major issue here.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

Olivia Rodrigo and some guy from BTS at the Grammys 2022

Okay so BTS didn’t win a Grammy (LOL) but at least whatshisface got to meet Olivia Rodrigo.  Aren’t they gorgeous together?  The next star power couple maybe?  Let’s cheer them on as they get to know each other!

G-Idle – Tomboy – cover by You’s Drum

Actually not that hard a song to drum, but then there’s value in doing simpler covers too so newer players can see what’s involved, and Youkyung always looks like she’s having a great time too, playing the rock music she probably always wanted to in AOA.

Kpopalypse makes sure that Harriet Sugarcookie’s livestream meets required dog standards

Some people subscribe to sex workers’ social media because they want to fap, and others do it because they want to “make a connection” with the person, feel powerful, or hold out some ever-unlikely hope of forming an actual non-transactive relationship.  On the other hand, Kpopalypse does it just to make sure that they are featuring their pets on stream appropriately.  Watch as I rally the audience into making sure that Harriet’s stream mrds

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That’s all for this week!  Remember that the latest Kpopalyspe survey is still open so don’t forget to fill it out if you haven’t!  Kpopalypse returns with more roundup next week!