It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out some new releases!

Oh My Girl – Real Love

I guess as far as disco songs go it’s acceptable and I’ve heard a lot worse, but it’s weird how it slams on the brakes right when it should be popping off.

NCT Dream – Glitch Mode

NCT’s wacky experiments either really work, or really don’t.  At a live show this song would probably go off just because of that huge bass sound, but most people listen to k-pop on crappy earbuds or their shit laptop speakers and if you’re not packing at least 1000w RMS in your sound system then you might as well forget this exists.

Red Velvet – Wildside

Not bad, and certainly not offensive, but it has the exact problem that “Feel My Rhythm” doesn’t have – too much fucking around with the wrong tonality, shoving in major scale notes right when they’re trying to create a minor scale mood.  Fucking stop it with that, SM songwriters.  At least the black and white outfits look great.

G-Idle – My Bag

Well I already know what isn’t in their bag, which is Soojin.  Other than that, I’m not sure if I give a fuck.

Stray Kids – Venom

It’s cool to see a spider concept in k-pop and even cooler that a group with Australian members is doing it, but I can’t work out if I like or hate the song because of it.

Stray Kids – Lonely St.

This song is just kind of average and typical.

Stray Kids – Freeze

The best song of the three, with riffs that are weird and catchy instead of just weird.

Itzy – Voltage

Easily Itzy’s best song since “Wannabe” simply due to some great use of backings – the verses are the highlight as the girls deliver their hip-hop-lite over some beats that are so good they have no business being in a commercial pop song at all.

Rolling Quartz – Azalea

Rolling Quartz’ quality metalisation of the original song by Maya rocks hard and improves on every single aspect… except the guitar solo, which replaces the original’s shredding with something more subtle and bluesy which definitely doesn’t fit the song’s mood anywhere near as well.

Cravity – Adrenaline

As if high school kids write stuff like “Fun!” and “Love” on chalkboards instead of hairy balls and cocks smeared in vomit pissing on shit-filled vaginas.

NCT U – coNEXTion (Age Of Light)

I wonder what academic qualifications someone needs to work at the “NCT Lab”.  Will a Cert IV in Laboratory Techniques be enough, or do I need to go all the way and get a Diploma of Laboratory Technology, or even a Bachelor of Medical Laboratory Science? 

Verivery – O

Just bland.

Majors – Giddy Up

Cliched and stupid, but also reasonably catchy, the hackneyed tropical melody in the chorus is actually utilised fairly well – for once.  Finally they are relevant to Kpopalypse.

Majors – Salute

Their other track looks like it was done during the same video shoot and they just changed the lights and costumes a little.  Oh and it sucks.

T1419 – Edelweiss

Some of them are wearing pearl necklaces along with the usual generic cardigans that all k-pop boy groups seems to have in storage for this kind of thing.  It’s like they did it just so they could watch for the Kpopalypse roundup and see if I noticed.

Kihyun – Comma

More cardigan-wearing fucking bullsh… oh wait, this one’s actually good!  Definitely the best “cardigan song” in a while.

D-Crunch – Addiction

Lots of boring boy group shit this week isn’t there.  Oh wait, that’s every week.

ONEUS – I.P.U

Should have called it “I.P.ON.U” because that’s how listening to it feels.

Tempest – Just A Little Bit

As usual, crappy boy group live stages wasting my time.

INI – CALL 119

Calling emergency services is a good idea, we need an ambulance to ferry some victims of shit music disease.

INI – We Are

A much better song, just kind of nice and cruisy with a good rock tempo and some nice melody.  Not an absolute earth-shaker but still kind of refreshing in the sea of trap and R&B bollocks I have to endure each week.

CNEMA – Moby Dick

Wasn’t Moby Dick a book about a whale on steroids, like a 19th century Jaws or something?  I don’t know because I never read it (obviously) but this song is boring and I’m pretty sure these guys are just singing about their penises, because why wouldn’t they be.

Minimani – Puo Puo

Finally something with a bit of pace, and excellent fashion sense also.  Definitely the catchiest trot I’ve heard in a while.

Amber Liu – Lately

Amber isn’t even drinking coffee like every other Korean lounge-music-maker, she’s all the way down to green tea level.  I get that she’s mourning someone, but this song really is “middle of the road” in more ways than one.

Song Hayoung – Still Love Me

Some girl from Underscores R Us covers a terrible Sweden Laundry song and doesn’t make it any better.

Suran feat Taeyong – Diamonds

Why does Suran have to sing like she’s got a bone stuck half way down her throat.  Wait, that sounds like I’m trying to make an innuendo but I’m not.  Okay, maybe it’s a meatball, stuck down there… oh wait, that sounds even worse.  Some nuts?  No… some ice cream?  No that still sounds dirty.  Fairy floss?  No.  A cookie?  No.  What if I don’t specify the food and just say it’s “something” down her throat?  Wow that sounds worst of all because it leaves it up to the imagination and we know everyone is filthy and will imagine that it’s the combined ballsack contents of everyone in NCT.  I’m trying to be respectful and G-rated here and it’s just not working out at all, I should just stick to being a cunt I guess.

Min Chami – Jump Jump Jump

Yeah it’s horrible.  There’s a fine line between a cool upbeat “bright” sounding pop song and children’s TV crap, and this is on the wrong side of that line, plus it has a terrible post-first-chorus trap breakdown so fuck it.

Daru – Give me one

Jiyun from Bloomy is back and she’s cuter than ever in a “Yua Mikami before the most recent round of facial surgery” kind of way, and the song isn’t bad either, but how come half of the Korean pop videos where they pretend to do pagan rituals, they use the six-pointed Jewish star instead of the five pointed Satanic one, or the cool seven-pointed extra-satanic Celtic Frost one?  If she’s reading, I offer to show her how to worship the dark lord properly.

Mark Tuan – Lonely

Maybe the reason why you’re so lonely there Mr. Tuan, is because you have such poor posture when sitting.  How is a girl going to trust you to fertilise her eggs and sire her brood responsibly when you can’t even commit to sitting on a couch straight?

Sparky – Love Rose

Maybe he needs to introduce himself to Sparky here who seems similarly lovelorn.  Don’t forget to sit up straight, Mark!

Vandy City feat. HBIN – Submariner

The ex-Nugu Alerters who cracked the Kpopalypse top 30 in 2021 have a new song but unfortunately it’s not as good, oh well.  One top 30 placement is more than most groups get.

Jeon Gunho feat. Yeji of GyeongseoYeji – Roller Coaster

Using your toothbrush as a microphone is probably what keeps dentists in business.

YeoDongSaeng – We Hate Spring

I agree, spring is for cunts.

Ben – Spring Days

Ben is okay but her name is weird, I can’t imagine what my mother would say if I told her about a new girl I’m dating and she asked her name and I said “Ben”.  She’s probably go all Dave Chappelle on me and say “you’re not dating one of those alphabet people, are you?” and I’d be all like “she’s cute though, you’d like her if you met her”, and she would remain thoroughly unconvinced and say “but… is Ben really a she?  Ben’s a man’s name?” and I’d say “well I suppose maybe she has some male bits, I don’t know I haven’t been there yet?  I’m pretty sure she doesn’t, but if she did… well, she’s cute so I’d probably just… do it anyway?” and she’d like roll her eyes and stop talking to me about it at that point.  If I invited Ben around for a family dinner she would be polite and say “she seems nice” to me after she left, though.  She would give Ben a chance, I’m pretty sure.

72 feat. Kyung Dasom – I Believe

I think watching the ballerina is supposed to be inspiring or something because if she can fuck up and get frustrated and then get it right eventually, anyone can.  It’s kind of like all those AOA videos as well as SNSD’s “Into The New World“, where the girls are shit at some random activity for the first half and then get better in the second half.  You can do it, folks!  Unless of course it’s something you naturally suck at (like these people, at music) in which case maybe just give up and stop wasting your time and ours, cheers.

Kim Feel – Push & Pull

Not great, but given that he sits down through about 90% of it, I expected a lot worse.

MIC SWG feat. Do Hanse, YongYong, Goopy – E R A S E

Miming with a mask on must be great, just swing your arms a bit, whatever. 

Ahn Yeeun – Line

Looks like a pretty shit game to be honest.

Vincent Park, Griffy – Guilty Pleasure

Stealing some vintage cartoons where the copyright has expired is one way to make a music video.  I’m glad they bothered because the song is actually very good.

We Are The Night – Everyday

I’ll never forgive this group for not being a black metal band, or at the very least an emocore band.

eSNa – Lovely Day

I don’t really like this song much, but I still think Esna should get more credit than she does for generally being a k-pop, after all she pretty much hard-carried Mamamoo’s ass into notoriety.  Also, mrds

ID:Earth – Panorama

More girls who sing like they have balls in their mouth.  Why.

Hanbyeol – Whispering

Hey this isn’t bad but -346987 points for microphone use.  For any audio engineer who knows how expensive a good condensor mic is, watching this video is like watching those crazy guys who are so bored that they scale huge skyscrapers and take dumb selfies with no safety equipment.  You just keep waiting for her to drop that thing.  Here’s hoping it’s a cheap copy she got off Alibaba and not the real deal.

Say Sue Me – Around You

Nice, but maybe a little too nice for my cunty ass.

Geum Yubi – Snowflakes

Aren’t you sick of all these fucking snowflakes?  Not as much as the people in this video, who seem over it real quick.

Lil Tonkatsu feat. Queen Wasabii – Bish

More like “featuring Queen Wasabii’s cleavage for 0.5 seconds but none of her actual rapping”, what a waste.

Crucial Star – Self Isolation

Isolating rappers is good, but it’s worth nothing if we can’t get them to stop rapping also.

Kuhan – It’s not, is it?

Unfortunately for us, it is.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

How to sing high by relaxing (the real way that actually works)

Are you sick of vocal classes by cunts that are just too fucking nice, and you want to get your information about singing by some fucking guy who is totally slick and presentable looking, apart from the bits with the very odd-sounding swearing that is in his lessons for no fucking reason?  Of course you do, so check out this cunt and his awesome vocal series, and get a dog up ya.

Samples used in random k-pop songs

This person fucks up a bit with a few of the entries (sometimes they notice, sometimes they don’t), and occasionally also has trouble telling the difference between a direct sample and a soundalike, so don’t take everything you see and hear here literally, but it’s still interesting to note how much k-pop sonics are just built from the same generic sample CD kits that make up a ton of other pop music now.  Thanks to the person who sent this in!

Just a reminder to do my latest survey

Do it, caonima.  Link at the bottom.

Yes, I am Dahyun.

This is good because Dahyun is great and there’s some good mrds moments but we need one of these for Jeongyeon, now’s the perfect time while she’s a bit chubby and sexier than ever, before she gets kicked out of the group or leaves because she’s over it, or JYP the cunt puts her on some wacky religious cult starvation diet.  Do it JYP or something something plastic pants ex trainee interview.

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That’s all for this week!  Kpopalypse roundup will return next week, and in the meantime don’t forget that the latest Kpopalypse survey is now live, so do it if you haven’t!  Stay safe, caonimas!