Many people on the Internet say that Kpopalypse is a mean, nasty place full of bad things like worst-of-kpop lists, dull essays and links to leaked Blackpink songs, but as usual this is always a misinterpretation of my aims. Nobody in the k-pop online world is more POSITIVE than Kpopalypse, and to prove it once again, it’s time for a new POSITIVE post! Let’s look at all the POSITIVE things about G-Idle’s Soojin!
Reason that Kpopalypse feels POSITIVE about Soojin #1 – I can finally spell her name right
Observant readers will notice that I’ve been spelling Soojin as “Soobin” pretty much ever since I first started writing about her. This isn’t because of some radical new interpretation of the Korean hangul characters (수진) due to my incredibly big brain, it’s actually just because I’m a dumb cunt. However thanks to Soojob getting booted from her label due to some bullying thing or whatever that I honestly haven’t been following all that closely, I’ve been reading her name a whole lot, and I think I probably know how to spell it now. It also helps that readers have been regularly reminding me that I’ve been fucking up due to being a senile old cunt, so thanks for the reinforcement folks, I really appreciate it. Also if you’ve seen my glasses please let me know… oh wait, they’re on my head, never mind.
Reason that Kpopalypse feels POSITIVE about Soojin #2 – Soojin might be responsible for eventually lifting G-Idle’s song quality
Soojin’s old group G-Idle, or if we’re going to be technically correct, “(G)I-dle” (because you can never have too much pointles_s punctuatio_n in a k-pop group name) have never had a good song as a full group. Having said that, members of G-Idle have sometimes done well in isolation. Yuqi’s “Bonnie And Clyde” was excellent, and even Soyeon’s League Of Legends cringe incel power-fantasy anthems don’t suck anywhere near as much as her group’s output. If we’re to believe the hype, G-Idle is one of those groups where the members do actually get to write and have somewhat of a say in their own music, so maybe they’re suffering from a case of “too many cooks” and less bitches arguing with each other about how to rhythmically subdivide the stupid hi-hats in the trap sections in G-Idle songs is what we need. Thanks Soojin for doing the honourable thing, bowing out and taking one for the team, I’m sure G-Idle will ascend to great heights of music quality now and…
Okay, maybe I’m not making the strongest argument here. Let’s just move on.
Reason that Kpopalypse feels POSITIVE about Soojin #3 – I can finally spell her name right now
Observant readers will notice that I’ve been spelling Soojin as “Soobin” pretty much ever since I first started writing about her. This isn’t because of some radical new interpr… oh wait, I already mentioned this, didn’t I. Sorry about that. Have a video.
Reason that Kpopalypse feels POSITIVE about Soojin #4 – I have noticed that she’s actually quite attractive
Honestly, from my many years of experiences being bullied in school by all sorts of people from other students and randoms to even teachers (yeah my school had issues), I can definitely say that it’s a more enjoyable experience if an attractive girl does it. One of Soojin’s defenses against recent bullying accusations was that they’re only trying to take her down because she’s pretty, and as egotistic as that sounds, that’s believable – no wonder nothing stuck to her in court, for or against. Everybody was probably too slack-jawed while looking at her to even argue coherently.
Reason that Kpopalypse feels POSITIVE about Soojin #5 – watching the k-pop Internet go haywire is funny
The reality of course is that whatever bullying Soojin did or didn’t do (and how the fuck would I know, or you, or anyone) – it’s pretty funny to read online comments about Soojin’s contract termination at Cube Entertainment for stuff that adult Soojin supposedly might have done back when she was an egg giving her mom ovarian cramps. From Reddit’s “gosh it’s good that we here at Reddit are all qualified entertainment industry experts with plenty of experience running record labels, we definitely know the right thing to do in this situation” folks to Asian Junkie’s “look how horrified I am about this, I’m definitely more horrified than you, why aren’t you as horrified as I am, are you some kind of sick creep who rapes children and hates kittens” community members to Soompi’s “I have seen through my third eye that everyone is wrong except me, everything will be just fine if they just do as I say” people, there’s lots of gold here – and those are the comments on the good sites where there’s some degree of moderation. I’d hate to think what’s being written at those other sites, the ones under Kpopalypse boycotts. No I haven’t checked, and nor should you.
Reason that Kpopalypse feels POSITIVE about Soojin #6 – not gonna lie, being bullied by Soojin would be kinda hot
Now I don’t know if Soojin really bullied anyone or not, but just imagine that you’re a girl standing in line at the university cafeteria, thinking about what you’ll have for lunch that day, when suddenly you feel a weight on your back as you’re pushed forward, temporarily losing your balance. You step to the side, readjusting your centre of gravity so you don’t fall over, and turn around. Standing in your place in the queue, deliberately not giving you any eye contact but instead staring straight ahead completely casually, as if nothing is wrong and you don’t even exist – is Soojin.
You try to step back into your place in the queue before her but Soojin raises her arm to her side to stop you. “Hey, what is this person doing – don’t push in!” Soojin scolds as she maneuvers her elbow towards your ribcage to obstruct your movement, while still deliberately not looking at you.
“Fuck you, you stole my spot!” you reply, as you gradually increase the pressure on her arm with your body weight and force your way back in. Soojin lowers her arm and lets you return to your previous queue position. You then realise that maintaining your spot may not have been worth the struggle, as she moves in closer to your back and you suddenly feel her warm breath hissing along the back of your neck.
“Wow, the back of this person’s head is so ugly” Soojin intones quietly, adding “oh, and what’s that smell? How gross.” You angrily swing your arm back to try and hit Soojin with your elbow, but she’s prepared for the move and grabs onto your arm, trapping it and drawing you closer so your bodies are nearly touching. “We’re going to get you after the next lecture, so you’d better be ready” she whispers.
You swing your body around, hoping to deliver Soojin a slap in the face, but the distance between you is too close for your hand to connect, so you shove her with your forearms instead, pushing her onto the person behind her in the queue, who is starting to get noticeably pissed off from all the shoving. “Hey this person here is pushing in!” Soojin yells as she falls back and rebalances herself, loud enough for the entire cafeteria to hear.
A security guard notices the scuffle and comes walking over. Soojin steps out of the queue and points at you. “This girl pushed into the queue and she’s been starting fights.”
“Bull-fucking-shit, you started it, asshole” you retort as you try to give Soojin another shove but are pulled back by someone behind you, you’re not sure who but probably someone else who was in the queue with you.
The security guard addresses you. “You’re causing a disturbance, I’m going to have to ask you to leave, miss.”
“This is crap – what about her? Aren’t you going to do anything?” you complain, as the guard grabs you by the upper arm. His grip is strong, and there’s no use in struggling. You comply with a sigh and let your arm go limp as the guard escorts you out of the building. “See you later, alligator!” calls out Soojin, just before you reach the exit.
Admit it. It’s getting hot in here.
Reason that Kpopalypse feels POSITIVE about Soojin #7 – at least everyone hates CUBE now
In these divisive times that we live in, where the world is at a crossroads and misinformation runs so rife that it’s costing millions of lives and livelihoods, it’s good to know that there’s still one thing that all people can agree on, that transcends all cultural, political, racial, national, sexual and spiritual barriers without exception, and that can potentially unite all of humanity under one common cause for good. This is of course that we all think CUBE Entertainment sucks… but wait – they DID take that photo of Soojin with the flower above, that’s an official CUBE photo. So they can do that much right. So maybe the world isn’t such a simple place after all.
That’s all for this post! Kpopalypse shall return!