It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!
Suzy – Satellite
Is this really Suzy from miss A doing this dishwater-dull “indie” slop? The lack of her in the video is weird given her status as a popular visual, but then maybe she’s sick of being objectified by all those mean, nasty k-pop writers out there. I do dig the change of pace for her career generally, but this particular song isn’t it.
Wonho – Eye On You
Wonho isn’t sick of objectification though. His song is pretty sleek, groovy and refreshingly bullshit-free with Wonho keeping the pace up and drip-feeding us both the hooks and the looks.
STAYC – RUN2U
Takes a bit of getting used to because much as I discussed in my last music theory post, they’ve implied the harmony with the vocal and bass lines for the first half of the song, rather than having one instrument play the lot, the keyboard pad sound only comes in to fill it out later. It works as-is and it’s definitely a grower, but I still would have liked a bit more grunt in the instrumental.
BTOB – The Song
Pretty bold title considering how much it sucks. Not only is it not “the” song, it’s barely even “a” song.
Treasure – Jikjin
It was plodding along and sounding pretty average, and then the chorus hit. Who thought up THAT for a chorus? Please, get them help.
F.Hero x BamBam feat. Younghoum – Skrrt
Okay, we now have a song called the s-word. F.Hero does his best to try and save this nonsense, and sandwiched between these two bleach-blonde clowns with no clue, he sure has his work cut out for him. Where’s Milli when you need her, girl stop doing shit versions of shit Bibi songs and get back here and save k-pop thanks.
Reta & San E – No Solution
Reta just sounds like everybody, and San E is a midrangey Autotuned mess. Neither of them can make anything worthwhile out of this bland R&B slop.
Yena – Before Anyone Else
IZ*ONE continue to be just as unremarkable as solo artists as they were in the group.
Rumble-G – Every Other
Definitely a step up from “Roopretelcham” musically, but I miss the group’s token Amber. Maybe she got tired of screaming randomly on a bridge, or perhaps she just didn’t “have a wing”. I’d be interested in the story here, line-up changes for groups on the nugu scale tend to be a bit shrouded in mystery but are usually varying degrees of members going “fuck it” and realising their agency can’t do shit for them.
THE ORIGIN – Run
This is scaring me, someone fill me in on why this group exists. Also what’s with the video quality, it looks like it was shot on the ancient ex-TV studio cameras in my high-school’s old “media studies” room.
JWiiver – Jtrap
Expectations sure were rock-bottom with a song name like “Jtrap” but it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as expected.
Mirae – Juicy
Another group chasing the BTS pot of gold, but it wasn’t this era of BTS that made them successful, so Mirae are out of luck at least while they tread this particular path.
TAN – If You Can Hear My Voice
Certainly pacier than I expected but nothing that special.
Mirani, Illboi, GroovyRoom – Can’t Slow Me Down
A song written for the game Valorant, that features the character Jett, but doesn’t bother to feature Shannon Williams, who voiced Jett in the actual game AND can sing? Like, can you please get the fuck out of here with this generic trash.
K – Waiting For U
Oh wow it’s been a while since someone dared to fire up the toot-toots, but I guess this song doesn’t really have the pace of tropical shithouse. So in other words, this song is bad except for the parts where it’s even worse.
Kim Jaehwan – Super Mario
Evidently the songwriter was in another castle.
Kim Min Jong – Endless Night
Listen to that clipping at 2:43. This shit is ultra rushed out the door. This is what the “leaders in culture technology” think is an acceptable ballad mix in 2022 because they know nobody even cares anymore.
withus – Dogaebi
Why does one guy have a blue thing hanging from his shirt pocket. Did they have to fight each other in the dorms for the privilege of being the blue thing holder, I wonder.
Wonpil – A writer in a love story
If you stack something flat on top of a guitar amplifier, like a book, and it covers the air vents above the vacuum tubes, it can cause the amp to overheat and blow up. Here’s hoping.
YongYong feat. Han Yo Han – Dying Every Second
Absolutely worth a look just for the outstanding video. Just be prepared to be not exactly blown away musically.
Kiroy Y – Only You
The skin on this guy’s face is really bothering me. I don’t know why, maybe it’s just the light and the angle, but it feels like he’s been out in the sun chopping wood for a straight week before walking into the studio and cutting this track. Let’s all be sun-smart, caonimas.
75 (CHIRO) – Peterpan
Not a great song, but I kept watching due to the unique visual style of the video.
Seouldabansa feat. Dawon – Our Romantic Timeline
Actually not bad. No way is she getting that vocal sound from a Pignose amp though.
Kim Jeong Uk – Don’t Forget Me
Also kind of acceptable, although it lacks a bit of spark to it somehow (probably thanks to the Autotune which doesn’t do it any favours) but it’s less offensive than most of the week’s regular bullshit.
Jari – Play with me
Jari wants you to play with him. I think I’ll play Red Light Green Light and stand behind him.
BAADA & MC Meta feat. DJ Tiz – Black Velvet Feel
The singing parts are lame but everything else here is actually cool.
Im Chang Jung – I Hate Trot
I reckon some trot would have actually stood a chance of being slightly better.
Song Hyoung Seok – Listen to me, please
I guess if you really have no money, but have a house with some stuff in it, this is one way to do a video.
Band Trap – A Moment
Unfortunately for this group, I always hated ponderous, slow 90s post-grunge rock music. If I were in this band I would bring along a bright pink neon guitar just to stand out.
Eun Woo Cho – Dream Vision
Lots of moody fucking around with orchestral textures, and then they have to go and ruin it with a rap of course, but I guess if they didn’t it might be even more boring so just as well maybe.
DeVita – Bonnie & Clyde
Sorry but if you call a song “Bonnie & Clyde”, there are standards now, and this song doesn’t meet them. Also, even worse microphone placement thank SM usually do, it’s literally pointing up at the ceiling here. She needs to ask JYP and Yoyomi if they have a spare instruction manual lying around.
TE.O – BOMB
I like how the whole video is shot through a sniper scope, wish someone would just pull the trigger already.
Jeong GaYi – Stay with you
I guess you can probably save money on throwing a housewarming party if you just show your friends the new place you just moved into via a k-pop ballad video.
MUSUNG feat. KOYO – Dongam station 2 exit
The reason why you put a cover on your lounge suite is so that when you fuck on it, your love juices don’t permanently stain the fabric. Look at these two fucking rootrats pretending that they’re all thinking pure thoughts and shit.
IGWI – A cat at the door
SOME WARNING SIGNS
The Asianic – Chillin’
Warning sign: the singer, sitting on the floor in the lounge room.
Feel B – Seoul Cat
Warning sign: puns with “Seoul” the city and “soul”.
Han Seung Yun – Lovender
Warning sign: a drama video about people in jumpers.
OLD SCHOOL KOREAN RAPPERS WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER BEING SOFT AS SHITE SECTION
Epik High feat. Younha – Gray so Gray
You see, there’s some podcast coming out soon about Tablo and the Tajinyo case and to cross-promote it he’s also releasing a nutload of depressing, maudlin songs which are all secretly about how he got fucked over back in the day by some dickheads, because Koreans are addicted to bullying and hate anybody who has a glimmer more fame and fortune than them. Here’s the first one and predictably, it’s boring.
Epik High – Here + Prequel
Here we’ve got a rap track that is slightly more perky but it still sounds like a second-half-of-the-90s-rap-album type deal, the sort of thing that back in the day you’d skip over to get to the really good stuff. Mind you, we probably would have appreciated songs like this more back then if we knew how much of a total garbage shitshow hip-hop would become in the next millennium. Tablo is old enough to remember the good stuff, he must still really be hurting if this is the hardest he can go these days.
Epik High feat. Wonstein, pH-1 – Super Rare
Normally lazy-ass videos like this don’t even qualify for Roundup at all but just putting this here anyway just so you can make a note that it sucks.
Epik High feat. Kim Feel – Family Portrait
Conspiracy theories really are the cancer of today’s generation. Everyone wants to feel important and special, like they’ve “figured it out”, they get addicted to the validating rush of “knowing what other people don’t”, but the truth is that often the boring people are right and you’re just a clown. Because of Koreans and their love of total bullshit, we have to put up with sappy trash like this, but I can’t really blame Tablo for it, if he wasn’t tortured by these online fuckwits maybe he’d have better songs.
MC Sniper – Love Burnout
If the artist has “MC” in the title and the song has “love” in the title, just skip it because nothing good is going to come from it. “But what about…” – no. Shut up. This is a hard no. There are no exceptions to this rule, I have checked.
Ulala Session – Alive
Didn’t one of the guys in this group die from ass cancer years ago? I feel like the remaining group members calling the song “Alive” is just rubbing it in. Anyway just like Tablo, netizens didn’t believe it either and thought his illness was “a conspiracy theory” right up until when the poor dude fucking died from it, so add these guys to the list of people who I feel oddly sympathetic towards even though their music stinks.
I FEEL OLD SECTION
Nuol – I Feel Lucky
Music for people even older than me. Your grandmother thinks this song is okay but wishes there was a “mosh riff”.
KKD – 10 Reasons For I Love You
Here’s what an early Apink style concept looks like when it’s a bunch of guys my age doing it instead.
BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
UZA – How I made “Language”
UZA always gets production right, and here she talks you through her DAW setup and production style step by step. Might be useful if you’re someone producing tracks and would like to know a few tricks.
432Hz TZUYU TWICE MIRACLE TONE, RAISE YOUR VIBRATION, LET GO OF NEGATIVE ENERGY, BE LESS OF A CUNT
Someone brought up on my livestream that the 432Hz tone was supposed to be “good” for you so I’m just putting this here so you can experience the extra health benefits of this tone. It goes for eight hours so there’s plenty to enjoy! Of course it’s bullshit, but search “432Hz kpop” on YouTube and apart from Adam Neely’s excellent debunking you’ll get a lot of idiots detuning k-pop songs from 440Hz to 432Hz and really thinking they’re doing something, so it’s good to be aware that even more lies and bullshit exists in the k-pop fan community than what you might have previously thought.
All BTS title tracks but only the best parts
Who doesn’t love a great title track compilation? This one’s worth the trouble, trust me. Probably.
That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!