It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s take a look at some new releases!

ATEEZ – Don’t Stop

Finally this dogshit song is out and it sucks at least as much as all the other bullshit that’s been exclusive to Universe app so far.  I should have just put another Eimi Fukada video here.

Jamie – Pity Party

Death, taxes, and the new BTS-spearheaded disco trend in Korean pop.  I guess they really did pave the way… backward, to a boring 50 year old music style that even our boomer parents are bored of, lucky us.  Jamie’s version isn’t as bad as it could have been because at least she’s vocally a bit restrained which gives the funk guitars some chance to breathe, but there’s still no real catchy tune when she is singing.  Someone please hurry up and “give her a song”.

Song Soowoo – Love Me or Hate Me

I don’t care who you are, old, young, straight, gay, anything in between, maybe you’re a chair, I dunno.  If you woke up with her next to you in bed after a wild night where you really can’t remember what happened after the bit where everyone started doing tequila shots off each other’s asscracks, you wouldn’t be too upset about it.  Of course someone’s going to whine about how the (intentionally) distorted vocals are all wrong or whatever but that’s because k-pop people in general know nothing about music production in general, and especially not rock music production, so do expect that from everyone else, but in the meantime, know that this is alright.

TWICE – The Feels (Benny Benassi Remix)

Just some bullshit remix where they completely threw out the original backings that there was nothing hugely wrong with, and slapped one of those generic-as-they-come dance beats on top of it.

Kwon Eunbi – Replay

Kwon Eunbi rugged up in half a dozen layers with big padded jackets on top, and then folding her arms in front of her chest on top of that.  How much do you think she hates her own fans?  Rather a lot I would suspect.  She knows what you want and she’s giving you none of it.

Mark – Child

Those religions that say you should always be kind need to take into account the fact that sometimes somebody will write a song that sounds bad enough that they should be treated as cruelly as possible.  I’m not saying “be a cunt to everyone” because that’s just silly, but if you are too nice people will take you for a ride, so it’s good to set some boundaries.  This song definitely lies on the other side of that boundary.

Yunho – Can I Go Where You Go?

TVXQ were once a five member group.  I will keep repeating this statement until one of the remaining members gets a good song, maybe that might motivate SM Entertainment a little.

Choi Heart – Elastic Love

So much promise in the visuals and sonic textures, and even cool guitar solos, but the meat of the song isn’t there.

Wonpil – Voiceless

Voiceless?  If only.

Victon – Want Me

I love it when they pretend they’re singing, especially in the chorus where only one guy sings and a massive double-tracked vocal comes out.  Take those waxy in-ears out you clowns, you’re fooling nobody. 

My Teenage Girl – Surprise

Some terrible TV show disasterpiece where the parents of teenagers sell their souls to the machine, complete with “all eyes on me” “we’re gonna make it, rah rah” bullshit lyrics and messy genre-chopping music that combines the worst of most things lately.  You know it’s “healthy porn for men” because why else would something as puerile as this even exist.

Lee Youngji – Just

Actually pretty good, Youngji seems to understand here what constitutes a good melody and it’s enough to carry the track away from just being the usual dull R&B/rap noise.

Sunye, Seulong – Farewell Under the Sun

A man and a woman, sitting down in chairs with microphones.  That never ends well in Korean music videos.

Ragoon feat. MRSHLL – Thumb-Nail

The “nugu room” is back!  Give you stress wings and let it fly away… into roundup where it’ll just stress me out instead.

Asian Boys, Crying – Citipop

I think I’m the only Asian boy who’s crying here.

Glen Check – 4ever

Even Glen Check have more male eye candy in their music videos than BM these days.  They have a good track here actually, although the choice of vocal over the top is a bit weak.

Yaya Kim – How To Survive As A Beast

It’s really hard to get into a song with a thousand instruments that all seem to be going for different moods.  I’m sure someone’s into this weird prog/jazz/traditional whatever hybrid of cascading wank but I felt like if this song just went a bit harder in literally any direction at all it would have sounded better than the sound collision it currently is.

Ahn Sunghoon, Jung Dakyung – I can’t live without you

You already know what I’m going to say about this, but just look at the blooper at 2:37 – they’re straight up mocking me here.  Isn’t “mocking culture” a cancellable offence these days like when you go to the cosplay party dressed as “Off The Wall” era Michael Jackson instead of “Dangerous” era, because you’re actually a genuine fan and he was way better in the 70s.  Let’s cancel these two for reducing hundreds of years of microphone-using culture to the level of a party prank.

Jan Di Kum – You’re a luxury

Wow, she’s like 90 years old and she looks great.

Soffee – The TV is too loud

If Korean ballads are on, any volume level is too much.

Minsung – Tonight

I find the song only average but I think we should support him just so he didn’t feel like he climbed a smelly haystack by the beach for no reason.

Blue Buffett feat. Park Hong – Value Investing

Okay so there’s a Squid Game parody going on here but I don’t understand the meaning of it.  In fact I feel like the video would make more sense if I hadn’t bothered to watch Squid Game.

Vincent Blue – Happy New Year

Dude, seatbelts please.  Yeah yeah, I know the car isn’t moving, but you know what Korean traffic is like.  Someone could hit your car at any moment even if it’s just sitting there in a parking bay for a music video.

KISU – Will Be Fine

Plushies are cool but if you own a life-size one, it’s kind of weird because it’s not that different to a sex doll.  How do I know you’re not a furry who is secretly humping that thing.  I mean if you are a furry, good luck to you and all that, but we don’t want to see your goddamn sex toy every time we sit down on the couch with you to watch some TV.  I don’t bring out my Hitomi Tanaka realdoll and make you sit next to it for the Friday night movie so I don’t see why you should get to do the equivalent.

NEU!HA feat. Park Suhyun – Not Different

No music worth a damn here but the dancing sure is getting good in k-pop videos lately.  Glad they’re getting something right even if it’s not the music.

H3re – Free

The unusual presentation got my attention, and then the funeral tempo lost it just as quickly.

Ranzi – Blue Sunlight

Pointing the neck of your guitar downwards while you sit is really not recommended, it makes it very hard to play effectively.  I guess that’s why the music here is so sloppy and maudlin, this was probably as fast as they could play it in that awkward position without fucking up.

Dine On – Starry

How do people make music this boring with instruments this cool.

Choyoung feat. Nucksal – FREE

More dancing but it would be nice if they focused the camera, because that weirdly syncopated yet still boring bassline is not enough to entertain me.

Navi – Gift (2022)

K-pop is kind of crap lately, and everybody knows it, and that’s why we’re getting so many remakes of old songs.  Unfortunately, the old songs weren’t any better, we just forgot how shit they were at the time because we’re so overwhelmed with the influx of crappy new stuff.  There’s lots of absolute shit older songs like this one, just waiting around for someone to do a crusty-ass remake.

Zamgolbers – My heart is still there

They were all dressed so nice, I thought they were all going to start rocking like Macho King but they went full ballad instead and we are all poorer as a result.

Hon’z – White Swan

I like the guitar sound which is really different for this type of song.  Weird how nobody could be bothered singing in the video, but I guess maybe they’re imagining playing guitar to it instead.

Vanillare – Get Out

What happened to the bass player did she have Covid on the video-shooting day?  Whatever, the song is pretty cool and it’s nice to know that someone in Korea hasn’t forgotten how to rock.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

Alexa – 2021 k-pop dance medley

Alexa is good value because she’s generally attractive and charismatic in a way that a scummy westerner like me can appreciate more than the cheesy aegyo stuff most k-pop girls do, and watching her dance to some rando songs definitely lifts up some of them above their original level at least in terms of visual interest.  I’ve always felt a lot of girl group dances are kind of lame compared to the boy stuff because the companies are always trying to “make it feminine” rather than letting the more talented female dancers really shine, so it’s great to see Alexa tackle both boy and girl group songs here.

WJSN Chocome – Super Yuppers! live band version

I always think that these band versions where the band is lined up distantly against the far wall are a huge mistake.  It would be way cooler to have the singers intermingled more with the band live, like when you go and see a normal rock band, so it feels like everyone is part of the same thing.  Are they afraid that if the girls stand too close to rock music instruments they might catch “rock disease” and find out how fun being in a band is and not want to make idol music anymore?  Who knows, but let’s have some of these with some actual live atmosphere please.

Teeny Tiny Kittens

mrcs

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That’s all for this week!  Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!