Kpopalypse roundup – new k-pop releases 17/1/2022

It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out some new releases!

Ex-DIA’s Somyi is now making pretty good money as an adult streamer, which is bound to piss off a lot of people who completely deserve it. Surely that’s got to be a better gig than being in any MBK group that isn’t T-ara. Let’s all send her super-chats asking her to dish the DIA dirt.

Taeyeon – Can’t Control Myself

Nothing to write home about song-wise, with the tune having some catchy moments but held back by a fairly stilted and polite drum-machine beat at all the times when it should be really going balls to the wall, but the wide array of different Taeyeon visual settings, including some fairly new ones by her standards, should keep Annie Taeyeon fappers happy.

Momoland & Natti Natasha – Yummy Yummy Love

A reasonable chorus saves it from the pits of worst-list consideration, but there’s nowhere near enough catchiness or pep here to satisfy those craving peak-era Momoland.

Fromis_9 – DM

Some sexy scooped bass guitar compensates for the fact that beyond that it’s just another average disco song.  Can we have other types of upbeat in k-pop besides disco please?

Yukika, Kim Mijeong – Moonset

Yukika clearly blew her songwriting load last year and now she’s just back to being basic and boring again.

Hyolyn feat. Jooyoung – Layin’ Low

A tedious song with a hook that grinds away at your eardrums like Hyolyn’s asscheeks grinding their way out of those tights.  It’s both too much and not enough.

Hyolyn & Lia Kin – Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

If it was rock all the way through it might’ve worked but there’s just too many slowdowns and it can’t gather any momentum.  As it is I could have just copy-pasted my review from the other Hyolyn song.  However Kpopalypse has too much integrity to copy-paste reviews.

Wheein – Make Me Happy

A pointless song because it just sounds like every Mamamoo song does anyway, there’s no point going solo if you’re not going to be at least a little different to what you do when you’re in your group.  Still, she looks great, so no complaints here.

Yena ft. Bibi – Smiley

Wow someone from the group that I took their entire running length just to learn how to pronounce finally did something kind of good.

AB6IX – 1, 2, 3

I’m not sure what the song title is about, maybe it’s a reference to the amount of seconds I listened to it before working out that I was bored.

KOM – Adrenaline

Lacks a hook but at least it has a decent groove, so that’s something.  Yeah he wants to be Taemin but I guess probably everyone in his situation does.

Love X Stereo – ALL3

Moody and cool, actually texturally interesting because Love X Stereo are reasonably forward-thinking and aren’t beholden to most of the rest of k-pop’s shitty aesthetic choices.

Taeyong, Jeno, Hendery, Yangyang, Giselle – Zoo

It’s cool to see SM co-ed action and Giselle somehow pulls off those nonsense clothes really well, but there’s not much of an actual song here to care about.  Yelling over a beat feels like a wasted opportunity.

Jinjin & Rocky – Just Breath

Loud and annoying, with barely any chance in the music to breath.  If only they could just breath.

Oneus – What You Doing?

What are they doing with those mullets, I wonder.  Why do we have to have mullets in k-pop now.

OnlyOneOf – Skinz

A really cool backing track synth groove more or less wasted because nobody knew what to do with it, so they just did the most generic music possible over the top of it.

Drippin – Villain

Probably the best thing I’ve heard yet from this group, but it fails to really succeed just because those typical penatatonic “I’m so cool” boy-band melodies can’t substitute for an actual catchy hook.

MIRAE – Marvelous

Bland and ordinary, but at least it’s pacy.  Be sure to hate on it anyway just because of the dubstep drop, it’s too early for a dubstep resurgence, we only just finally forgot about the trauma that style left us with ten years ago.

P1Harmony – Peacemaker

There is literally no reason why girl groups can’t have choreography this good, except the reason that k-pop CEOs think you’d rather see girls in high heels shaking their asses or doing “cute” shit or lame hip-hop moves.

Max Changmin – Maniac

Just sounds like fucking Meat Loaf or 1970s Alice Cooper, which might please someone out there but when I was growing up the “Bat Out Of Hell” album was flogged to death by literally everyone I knew and boy did it make me sick of that shit.  I did the right thing by forgetting about this song last week, I’ll now go back to forgetting about it some more.

Max Changmin – Devil

His other song has some kind of “on the chain gang” gospel-blues feel as its foundation, which is an influence I didn’t expect to turn up in k-pop, mind you it fits thematically to k-pop’s shitty working conditions doesn’t it.  When the song kicks in, this impact is softened, not strengthened – it needed to be rougher to have an impact.

SWAN – Road in the Light

Not the Swan from Purple Kiss but the Swan from Craxy.  At least the Craxy team have finally figured out how to do visuals, there’s no silly zooming or overdramatic nonsense here.  Can’t wait until they make a start on also improving their musical output.

NCT U – Good Night

White fuzzy jumpers?  Performers sitting down while singing?  Just skip it if you know what’s good for your ears.

Hong Eunki – Dear.

Okay so just check this out.  Here’s just the first random comments that I screencapped under this song.

I don’t begrudge you if you love this bullshit, but really it’s the most generic thing ever.  Eunki himself probably doesn’t even like it.  The young twenty-something Korean men who actually make music like this would probably commit less domestic violence if they were able to make harder music where they could get their aggression out safely instead.

Byeol Eun with Jeong Yubin – Happy Birthday

Likewise, nobody who is a mature adult acts like this.  Why do grown-ass adults have to behave like they’re twelve in k-pop videos.

Aoora feat. Oh, My Friend! – Birthday Cake

Let’s just hit a drum and chant a bit, okay then.

Kangta – Slow Dance

Wow, the video directors must have read my most fappable 2021 comic about halfway through the video shoot, because Kangta starts off with the microphone in the wrong position but by the time the song has actually finished he’s corrected it, presumably out of shame.

Jung Dakyung feat. Soyeon – Tell him to go

Finally T-ara’s Soyeon does something good, although the vocal masturbation is laid on a bit thick the song is still decent like an early T-ara album track.

Guckkasten – Crack In The Ark

As usual for Guckkasten the song sounds different, but it also doesn’t sound very much like Guckkasten – I would never have guessed it was them just from the sound.

015B feat. Yeona – The Time Cure

White fuzzy jumpers?  Performers sitting down while singing?  Just skip it if you know what’s good for your ears.

K-Bridge – Way I Love

The way this guy loves looks like it would suit off-the-clock JAV performers who just want to starfish it with their boyfriends with the lights off because that’s the only type of sex they don’t get in their day jobs.

LEW, Dollarsignpark – Blurry

There’s something wrong about using an octagonal pop-shield with your microphone, like Optimus Prime get your fucking brick-ass head out of the way I’m trying to sing here.

GOGICHOI – HELL BOUND

Someone submitted this to me and told me it was queer representation or whatever but I can’t figure out if this is actually LGBT or just gay.

Summer – Daydream

She’s happy to stick the Fender logo right in your face, no gaffer tape, fuck it.  She’s seen Blackpink, she knows she’s not getting an endorsement.

Band 88 – A letter from a young man at the end of love

While making a music video with sign language and close-ups of lips so deaf people can appreciate your song is certainly very thoughtful, it doesn’t say a lot about your self-confidence as an artist when you’re basically admitting that the hearing impaired are your target market.

Cchekoz – Bust

I know what you’re thinking, but this is absolutely the right way to do dubstep.  If you’re going to go abrasive with the wubwubwub, go all in.  Don’t try to shoehorn it around a pretty pop song, just rape people’s ear canals 100% of the way fuck it.

Zelo – Deadline

Well maybe if you made better music you wouldn’t have murderers chasing you in the woods, now have you thought about that.

NINE9 – Sensitive

What sort of a name is “NINE9”.  Hey if you like deep husky voices which are rare in k-pop, and don’t care too much about the fact that there’s not much of a melody here to go with it, you might be into it.

Yoonbit – Wave

I was watching this thinking it was a boring song and why doesn’t he just kill himself if he feels that miserable and then at the end for a second he looked like he did and I was like “thanks bro”.  I’m sure he’ll come back though.

Wonill – Monochrome

Sometimes Korean ballads veer into “Obscured By Clouds” era Pink Floyd territory a little, and the results suddenly get better than expected.

1ho, 0back, Daowl – It Would Have Been The Same

But that’s rare.  Usually they just sound like this crap.

M.PEROR – Merry Go Round

Lots of pretty camera shots here that all seem to have nothing to do with each other besides being pretty.

Irda – Burn Out

White fuzzy jumpers?  Performers sitting down while singing?  Just skip it if you know what’s good for your ears.

Vapo feat. M1NU – Sirius

In the latest PUBG patch, shotguns are actually really powerful now.  It’s nice because I love using them, they suit my Doom-tier level of FPS skills where you just line people up horizontally and blast them rather than trying to go for fancy headshots or whatever bullshit.  I would one-man it against these two and win because they’re too busy posing out and pretending to be musicians.

ThorThor – So Happy

Didn’t sound like what I expected a group called “ThorThor” to sound like.  I guess I’ll have to wait for ZeusZeus to debut on the k-pop scene and see if that’s any better.

CAMO – Freak Like Me

What does “freak” as a verb even mean in a context like this.  I don’t detect much freaking freaking here.

Rsh – 24

More mullets.  Why is this a thing.

Bae Woori – Time is again

Chuu’s “Heart Attack“, the super slo-mo indie version.

Webley – Take#

Korea’s obsession with “getting everything perfect” really fucks them in the ass sometimes.  This would have sounded so much better without pitch correction even if the dude fucked up half the notes.

Oh My Kim & Jang – Workman Please Don’t Leave

Having an Oh My Girl member in this song might interest a few people here a little but it doesn’t make the overall experience suck any less.

JinE – Like U

White fuzzy jumpers?  Performers sitting down while singing?  Just skip it if you know what’s good for your ears.

Nuto ft. Coldrun – It’s Me

mrcs

BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

Slayer – Seasons In The Abyss – drum cover by Ayeon

Just putting this here even though you’ve all already seen it, just so the constant stream of one reader alerting me to its existence every five minutes over the last week finally ceases.  Yes it’s good, yes she does fuck up the timing in a couple of the fills, yes she still drums better than my out of time ass, and yes she’s very smart for using a weakly-played and not particularly faithful instrumental cover of the song instead of the original so she doesn’t get a copyright match and therefore gets to take home all the YouTube money.

FUNTWO, JANE, AZ – aespa – NEXT LEVEL (Guitar Cover)

People expected me to shit on aespa’s “Next Level” in my worst k-pop songs list for 2021, but the song actually has reasonable building blocks, which is proven here where it’s reconfigured as a riff-heavy guitar shred-fest without losing the better aspects of the original.  And yes they do work in that bit in the middle without making it sound stupid (or at least, any stupider).

Yoyomi – Corny Love Song – live on Inkigayo

JYP wrote Yoyomi a song and got her on music shows just so he could see her in some different outfits with nice stage lighting.  Let that sink in.  He’s probably an even bigger Yoyomi fapper than Kpopalypse.


That’s all for this week – more Kpopalypse roundup next week!

10 thoughts on “Kpopalypse roundup – new k-pop releases 17/1/2022

  1. I know nothing about PandaTV, so how far do these broadcast jockeys (BJs) go with their risque content? Are we talking about Somyi putting on skimpy outfits while teasing us and asking us to empty our bank accounts? Or are we talking about Somyi getting naked and masturbating while her mouth is stuffed with a penis gag?

    • There is no nudity or anything involved…the term adult platform is really misleading. Just random chatting (not even the dirty kind) and the occasional sexy dancing…that’s it pretty much. As usual, people blow this way out of proportion.

  2. I was actually listening to “Bat Out Of Hell” just a few days before “Maniac” dropped so needless to say I loved it.

  3. “I was worried she (Somyi) got hurt when people would say she was ugly on V Live. But now, she’s smiling and laughing at the guys with revealing clothes on (while streaming online)”

    How is this supposed to be a bad thing? Somyi is making real money now, and is no longer constantly monitored and controlled.

  4. people are always so salty about women finding ways to exploit horny men for money as if the exploitation they face not just in the kpop industry but in general isnt far worse than that lol. good for her. its just a job at the end of the day

  5. I can’t believe the sheer number of white fuzzy jumpers that actually showed up, which makes me a little less mad about the lazy writing/copypasta. Better watch yourself, I won’t be as forgiving next time 😛

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