It’s time once again for the most fappable k-pop list!  Those who pretend that they don’t fap to idols, rejoice as Kpopalypse gives you what you secretly want but are too gutless to ask for!

KPOPALYPSE’S 10 MOST FAPPABLE VIDEOS OF 2021

*

10. IU – Lilac

IU had a bunch of comebacks in 2021 and they pretty much all sucked but at least she was always looking good.  While I’m also quite fond of the drag dress-up in “Coin“, which nearly made this list, “Lilac” has a greater variety of outfits going for it as well as a song that was somewhat less shit.  The “IU please step on me” brigade will probably enjoy the Oldboy cosplay scene, but personally I like the opening scenes in the dress which is the same shade of purple as the quilt covers and pillowcases my girlfriend just bought.  My girlfriend is really happy about them because we always used to just get the cheap shit from the department store, but this time she ordered these fancy ass quilt covers and pillowcases online that are all purple with these black skulls on them plus they’re actually made with decent fabric that our cat won’t just tear a hole straight through in 0.5 seconds.  She’s never had good quality bedding like this before and now she does so she’s really happy about it, and whatever makes my girlfriend happy makes me happy, so IU is kind of helping us both here.  Even my cat is happy (no fapping to the cat, she will scratch you).

9. Kerrigan May – Big Tag

Kerrigan May’s bitchstare can’t be matched for k-pop bitchstares, it’s simply a ten out of ten, but the real draw for me here is the dancer with the short hair.  Some people think Korean twerk videos are a bit silly because the girls don’t have huge booty, but that’s actually why I like them.  I’ve always liked big boobs (obviously, do I even need to state this, probably not) but super-stacked asses of the kind that you often see in western hip-hop videos really aren’t my thing.  I write about this with hesitation only because every woman I have ever met since I popped out of one’s womb thinks that their ass is too big, regardless of how big or small it actually is, and I don’t want to inspire a wave of ass-slimming body-shaming where a whole bunch of young impressionable women start crash-dieting in the hope they would one day get on the Kpopalypse fap list.  You know, gotta be “mindful of my platform” or whatever bullshit, even if my traffic is dwarfed by every other mainstream k-pop site out there and 90% of the people who visit here just got here by searching “jihyo twice boobs” and clicked away to some deepfake site five seconds later when they realised that they got trolled and the porn is in another bouncy castle.  Ladies, your ass is already fine, I’m talking about the people who go crazy with the butt implants but then if you’ve got butt implants you need love too and I’m not judging anyone who gets those and if I watch BLK-546 enough I’m sure that I can learn to love butt implants and… fuck, woke online culture has wrecked any sort of open and honest discussion about sexual preferences, hasn’t it.  You can’t even write about “I like thing x better than thing y” any more without attaching a zillion fucking condescending fun-zapping disclaimers for the hypothetical spring-chickens who are so sensitive and easily-influenced that they might possibly jump off a bridge if you show then a depressing Hyolyn video with a bridge in it… oh, shit now I’ve done it.  Don’t do it!  Life is worth living!  If you need extra motivation and you can’t wait for the end of the month for QRIMOLE to magically solve your life’s problems, “Big Tag” worked for me.

8. Nada – Spicy

On the other hand, if you aren’t just showboating online about how woke you are because you secretly enjoy shitting on other people for fun and feeling the fleeting sense of power that this gives you before someone tells you it’s your turn to do the dishes, but instead actually care about diversity in your fap material, Nada has got you covered.  Male, female, skinny, thicc, boobs harness, no boobs harness, it’s all here.  It’s a pity that the editing is at T-ara tier speed so getting a good look at any of the flesh on offer here could be challenging, but there’s always freeze frame, slow motion etc. which you might as well utilise to its fullest to closely examine those saucy ass-grabs because it’s not like you’re interrupting anything sonically of any worth.  Just know that if anyone bursts into your room unexpectedly while you have this video on you’ll be well and truly busted mid-fap, because with a song this poor there’s no way known anyone will believe your “I’m watching it for the music” excuses. 

7. Mamamoo – Mumumumuch

It’s kind of difficult to have a fap list without Mamamoo in it these days.  The day scenes aren’t that special but everything changes when they step into the nightclub and also into much better clothes across the board.  Wheein is definitely adhering to correct boobs-harnessing technique and is the standout, but in fact everybody looks great.  If only an official dance version existed where they were wearing those clothes only… oh wait…

It seems like someone over at RBW thinks exactly how I do.  Great, glad that’s sorted then.

6. Heejin, Kim Lip, Jinsol, Yves – Not Friends

This one’s just here for the Americans.  I do spend a lot of my writing time shitting on the US of A because it’s funny how people from there think their cultural standards somehow matter all over the world when in fact we don’t want your exported bullshit values, slogans, fancy words, pearl-clutching morals, wacky cults, dumb politics, etc etc and we only mimic your culture because you guys kept pushing it on us so we just fucking gave up, hoping it would make you Americans happy for once or at least less likely to bomb us.  So I thought I’d better throw my seppo readers a bone and showcase this video here of some Loona girls shooting a bunch of people for no reason like it’s no big deal to kill a person, because Americans really seem to have a hard on for that, as if they wouldn’t freak the fuck out if someone just randomly shot one of their family members.  Anyway if that’s you, please enjoy.

5. Beomi – Good Night

It’s a good night indeed if you’re into buff dudes on the beach, with the three guys of Beomi being the only serious competition for Wonho this year.  Yeah I’m aware that there was also N.O.M’s “Mega Punch” but I’m going to go with Beomi here instead just for the sake of making this list more interesting just because they already won on that other list that people don’t care about as much.  Beomi even do a lot of the same poses and actions as N.O.M right down to the Stellar-copying drinking scene, and no they don’t have quite as good a song but yes they are more buff, so if you’re into that enjoy this video in what could have been a better year for male (and female) fanservice generally.

4. Bibi – Pado

Bibi is just attractive and that’s that on that.  Any video of hers could be here but this one gets in because of the beach CPR scene.  It’s important to get those chest compressions right, I’ve been analysing them hard here but I’m not sure if the technique is correct, where’s Wonho when you need him.

3. Wonho – Lose

Oh, here he is.  There’s not really much I need to say about “Lose” as you’ve probably all seen it and fapped to it a whole bunch of times by now.  Even quite a few of my straight male readers apparently jerked one off to this just to see if they could.  Enjoy the top tier fanservice, just don’t make your faps too sexual or someone might be upset, maybe try to think about the decor or something.

2. J.Y.Park & Yoyomi – Corny Love Song

Everyone loves to hate on JYP but he’s really going the extra mile to visually please in this video with Yoyomi, there’s no telling how much botox fillers he pumped into his own face to get that plump youthful look in the black-and-white scenes.  Yoyomi looks great too and manages to make some absolutely hideous clothes and hairstyling look amazing anyway for some reason.  Not only that, but both JYP and Yoyomi are using the Shure Super 55 correctly, perhaps this is the start of the “big three” finally taking notice of correct microphone technique.  Given that I’ve been boring my readers to death by banging on about this issue relentlessly since 2013 and linking my post about it at every possible opportunity, I can’t deny that seeing this newfound compliance by one of Korea’s biggest labels is firing off some tinglings in my groin.

1. Apink – Thank You

Of course it’s Apink again.  You probably forgot about this video, but I sure didn’t.  Talk about getting “for the fans” content right.

And now, to determine exactly how this happened, it’s time for…

KPOPALYPSE WHITE-COATER COMICS PRESENTS

YUA MIKAMI VS APINK ROUND FOUR

A NEW HOPE (FOR FAP)

*

IT ALL STARTED NEARLY A YEAR AGO…

A FEW GLASSES OF WINE LATER…

NAYEON CALLS A MEETING…

NAYEON LEAVES AND JYP GETS TO WORK COACHING YOYOMI…

THE TIME ARRIVES FOR THE VIDEO SHOOT…

THE RESULTS COME IN…