The 2021 Kpopalypse Awards

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It’s the return of the only k-pop related awards that matter – time to check out who is tripping the light fantastic at the 2021 Kpopalypse Awards!

THE 2021 KPOPALYPSE AWARDS

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THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKEY LIKEY DIS TEAR” KOREAN NETIZEN TEAR EXTRACTION AND PRESERVATION AWARD 2021

Who specifically made Korean fans cry hardest in 2021?

Nominees:

Jisoo (Blackpink) – for revising history in your area

Hyosung (ex-Secret) – for supporting feminism

Arin (Oh My Girl) – for modeling underwear while not modeling underwear

Giselle (aespa) – for liking her phone more than life itself

and the winner is:

HYOSUNG

Plenty of people made easily-upset Korean k-pop fans cry hard in 2021, and the list of potential nominees for this category was nearly endless.  However only one person had the power to enrage Korea’s lonely incels to such an extent that they made picket signs that protested the contents of their own hard drives, and that was Hyosung.  Clearly, Hyosung is what a feminist looks like.  It’s uncertain whether Hyosung will ever be a k-pop again, but she certainly knows how to be continually relevant to Kpopalypse!  Good work, Hyosung!

 

THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKEY LIKEY DAT TEAR” GLOBAL K-POP NETIZEN TEAR EXTRACTION AND PRESERVATION AWARD 2021

Who specifically made international fans cry hardest in 2021?

Nominees:

Sowon (ex-Gfriend) – for showing excellent taste in men’s fashion

Sitala (H1-key) – for going one step further than Blackpink and actually being the revolution

A.C.E – for not being very environment

Han Seo Hee – for just being her lovely, fun-loving self

and the winner is:

SOWON

Sowon’s eagle-eye for snappy coats with fetching designs was certainly noticed by international k-pop fans, as they quickly began to be upset about how those coats look kind of similar to some other coats that Hugo Boss made over 80 years ago for some guys who did some bad things.  That’ll teach Sowon to not fidget and doze off the next time her boyfriend has a retro-themed LAN party and dusts off the World War II themed shooting games.  Just don’t ask her what the toilet paper by the computers is for – one cultural lesson at a time, folks.    

 

THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKE DIS LIKE DAT YEAH” K-RAP CREDIBILITY AWARD 2021

Who had the freshest, flyest hip-hop style of 2021?

Nominees:

Iron – for being dead

NO:EL – for being in trouble

Tank – for being a creep

Go Won (Loona) – for not being any of the above (yet)

and the winner is:

GO WON

If only Iron, NO:EL and Tank had just stuck to doing the Yum Yum dance, then they wouldn’t be in the difficult spots that they are in today.  Leave it to Korea’s one true hip-hopper Go Won to lead the way, and set an example for all the kids out there.  Good work Go Won and don’t get caught smuggling anything inside that Cocomong suit!

 

THE KPOPALYPSE “SHUBIDUBI SHALALALA URIDURI YAYAYAYA” CROSS-CULTURAL K-POP SENSITIVITY AWARD 2021

Who raised more awareness of cultural sensitivities than any other idol in 2021?

Nominees:

Lisa (Blackpink) – for appreciating the culture of Black music

Giselle (aespa) – for appreciating the music of Black culture

Leia (Blackswan) – for appreciating the Blacks of music culture

Xi Jinping (CEO, China) – for blacking out the culture of music appreciation

and the winner is:

GISELLE

Giselle didn’t get in trouble for saying a naughty word, or even singing a naughty word in a song, but just for moving her lips approximately in time to a naughty word.  Soon she’ll just be able to think about naughty words and people around her will detect the brainwaves and be offended, now that’s the kind of omnipresent cultural power that Kpopalypse aspires to!  Giselle, have a well-deserved award!

 

THE KPOPALYPSE “C’MON C’MON MAKE IT, C’MON C’MON TAKE IT” AWARD FOR STUNNING ACHIEVEMENT IN THE FIELD OF K-POP GENDER RELATIONS 2021

Who did more to highlight important gender issues in k-pop in 2021?

Nominees:

Kris Wu (ex-EXO) – for his commitment to extreme classy-sexiness

Lucas (NCT) – for his commitment to somewhat milder classy-sexiness

Yunho (TVXQ) – for her commitment to frankly rather tame classy-sexiness

Siwon (Super Junior) – for his commitment to negative classy-sexiness

and the winner is:

SIWON

Super Junior’s Siwon, always a sensitive and forward-thinking kind of guy, clearly sensing the troubled gender landscape of Korean popular culture in 2021 with several of his labelmate and ex-labelmate k-pop men (plus many others not listed) taking unforseen and inappropriate liberties, realised things were getting out of hand.  So he did the one thing that he knew he must, the one thing the world at that time needed most, he engaged heavily with a bunch of Donald Trump content so unsexy that it was bound to make all of his personal friends plus his many dozens of social media followers cool right off.  There’ll be no inappropriate boners in this house!  That’s the kind of impressive awareness of gender issues that’s worthy of a Kpopalypse award!

 

THE KPOPALYPSE “BLING BLING JEWELRY CHAIN” 2021 AWARD FOR THE K-POP PERFORMER MOST WILLING TO GO THE EXTRA MILE TO PAY OFF THEIR TRAINEE DEBTS

Who paid down their company debts in the boldest, most daring ways in 2021?

Nominees:

Jungkook (BTS) – for being a backdoor man

Daisy (ex-Momoland) – for finally getting her stingy agency to pay her, maybe

Yukyung (Elris) – for supplementing the idol income with a little extra hospitality work

Sunmi (ex-Wonder Girls) – for adding the income of her haters to her bankroll

and the winner is:

JUNGKOOK

Not just content to bring his group’s music to the global masses, Jungkook also paved the way for the first under-the-table advertising scandal in k-pop, making sure to be wearing clothes from his brother’s clothing label at every opportunity when cameras were rolling.  I guess contract terms aren’t much better at BigHit/HYBE now than they were back in GLAM days when idols had to resort to extortion just to have a hope in hell of paying back their debts.  Anyway, they might not have won a Grammy, but if there’s one western awards ceremony where BTS won’t be neglected, it’s the Kpopalypse awards!  Enjoy your award, Jungkook!

 

THE KPOPALYPSE “T-ARA LOVE” AWARD FOR THE 2021 K-POP GIRL GROUP DEBUT ABLE TO GENERATE THE MOST HATE FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON OTHER THAN BEING ATTRACTIVE FEMALES THAT OTHER LESS ATTRACTIVE FEMALES ARE JEALOUS OF

Who was the most fearless rookie girl-group punching-bag of 2021?

Nominees:

iChillin’ – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

Majors – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

Tri.be – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

Purple Kiss – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

and the winner is:

MAJORS

Controversies that get whipped up against brand new groups are usually stupid, but not many are more stupid than the k-pop fans who lost their shit and got all upset at Majors because they have someone in their group called Suzy when there’s also a Suzy who was in miss A.  Imagine telling BTS fans that Jimin has to change his name to Fred because AOA’s Jimin paved the way for Jimins.  Hopefully Majors won’t let this setback hurt their stride too much and can come back with some better songs and maybe another award in 2022!

 

THE KPOPALYPSE “BO PEEP BO PEEP” AWARD FOR HIGHLIGHTING LACK OF K-POP FAN CRITICAL THINKING 2021

Who did more to reveal the stupidity of k-pop fans than anybody else in 2021?

Nominees:

Winter (aespa) – for proving that k-pop fans don’t understand how cameras work

Bobby (iKon) – for keeping his fans hooked right up until a month before the baby’s birth

Fu Yaning (Girls Planet 999 contestant) – for being Mnet’s controversy clickbait

T-ara – for coming back long after lesser publications than Kpopalypse wrote them off

and the winner is:

FU YANING

Everybody was absolutely 100% certain that Girls Planet 999 contestant Fu Yaning was being disrespectful of her peers on the show, after all they saw her diss CLC’s Yujin right there on the show, so how could they be wrong?  Of course it was just the show’s manipulated editing that fooled fans, and Fu Yaning and Yujin were in fact besties all along.  The fake friction between the two wouldn’t have been such a stupid thing for fans of the show to believe if broadcasting company Mnet didn’t have an already well-established reputation among k-pop fans stretching back years for doing exactly this type of misleading narrative-building edit.  Of course Kpopalypse stanned Fu Yaning all throughout because I knew what was going on – but why did everyone else just jump to conclusions and hate on poor Fu Yaning before they knew the facts?  Because they’re fucking stupid, that’s why.  Don’t feel bad if you were also fooled however – just keep reading Kpopalypse and increase your brain with greater determination!  In the meantime, Fu Yaning goes up – and you don’t!

 

That’s all for the Kpopalypse Awards for 2021!  Hopefully you have enjoyed tonight’s presentation!  Please make your way out of the auditorium in an orderly manner and remember to maintain at least 1.5 meters from k-pop’s stupidity at all times!  Kpopalypse will return!