Kpopalypse’s review of 2021’s haemorrhoid-licking Christmas trash

Christmas time is here once again – yay!  Please enjoy your Christmas gift from Kpopalypse, yes it’s time for the Kpopalypse Christmas songs list!

Christmas is here and we all know what that means, presents for everyone!  As giving and receiving presents is the only valid meaning of Christmas that has any cultural relevance whatsoever in today’s ultra-consumerist age, please now open your aperture of choice and get ready to receive your gift from Kpopalypse – this collection of all the shitty Christmas songs that were released this year!  Well, okay, not all of them… but certainly all the ones that you’ve got even the vaguest hope of caring about.  Let’s get to it!

Eligibility rules for this list:

  • Released in 2021
  • Songs are presented in chronological order of release
  • Christmas k-pop concepts only!  Generic “winter”, “snow” or “seasonal” k-pop concepts with no specific Christmas content do not qualify!
  • Songs must have some form of official MV even if it’s just a video where Seungri masturbates into a Christmas stocking while watching molka porn
  • Original songs only, or covers that I don’t know are covers because I couldn’t give a fuck about Christmas songs in anybody’s language
  • I probably forgot a few songs, please don’t add them in the comments below because nobody cares, I will just delete your fucking comment for the good of humanity, we’ve all had enough of this bullshit thanks so much for understanding, uwu

 


 

July 28th – Kangta – Christmas in July

In a classic case of “first!” like the zomboid YouTube commenters who fill music videos with ultra-positive junk comments before they’ve even heard the full song, Kangta wanted to make sure that nobody cut his Christmas lunch, leaping way ahead of the competition to sing about Christmas at the time of year when precisely nobody gives a fuck, not even Filipinos who start celebrating in September.  Unfortunately for us, the song is so slow and dreary that you could almost decorate a whole Christmas tree in the time space between the kick and the snare, although the real decorative item here is Kangta himself, who has been botoxed, smoothed over and surgically sculpted within an inch of his life.  Dude is nearly my age so why is he trying to look like an 18 year old, ladies watch out for this man.

November 22nd – Arago – Wish everyday Christmas you loved

Now here’s a nugu Christmas song which isn’t too bad, pity is has to go into this roundup.  I’ve never heard of this Arago chick but if this song was about anything other than Christmas it would have probably fared okay.  It’s one sleigh-bell-removal away from not sucking.  Pretty good video too considering the budget, Christmas wallpaper is surprisingly expensive to actually put up.

November 25th – Stray Kids – 24 to 25

When the song starts with that “tapping on the acoustic guitar strings with the palm of the hand on beats 2 and 4” thing, you know you’re in for some dreary shit.  Still, some of you may get some value here out of watching the Stray Kids members stare at the camera like they actually give a fuck.  At least it’s short, although the cringe door-opening after the song finishes is really something else.  The poor, sad, sad people this appeals to, I feel sorry for them.

November 29th – Stray Kids – Christmas EveL

Stray Kids aren’t finished with us yet however.  Yes, it’s the year’s first hip-hop styled Christmas song, aren’t you grateful.  I guess it could be worse, at least it’s Stray Kids doing it and they’re not too bad at this kind of nonsense, imagine if it was Lil Cherry or something.  I’m sure that would never happen though.

November 30th – Stray Kids – Winter Falls

Really more of a “winter” concept with moody phone booths and dark alleys and barrels randomly on fire, and if even sounds a bit like a moody BigBang track, but there’s a few Xmas decorations here and there so it just scrapes over the line for this post.  Sucks for Stray Kids that their best song this year is this poop.  At least they got their Christmas shit shopping out of the way early and didn’t get crushed in the COVID-spreading rush.

December 1st – You Hee-yeol, Yoo Jae Suk, Jung Jae Hyung, Lucid Fall, Peppertones, Park Sae Byul, Sam Kim, Lee Jin Ah, Kwon Jin Ah, Jung Seung Hwan, Seok Chul Yun, Jukjae, Lee Mijoo, Seo Dong Hwan – Hello Antenna, Hello Christmas

Stray Kids’ songs weren’t very good, but they were all miles ahead of this very typical Christmas ballad nonsense, and we’re just getting started.  Mijoo used to be in Lovelyz so it’s nice that somebody remembers her for Christmas even if Woollim clearly grinched out on her.

December 2nd – Kim Kyung Hun – December 25th, You’re My Christmas

The girl is cute, I like her bent teeth.  Girls, embrace your bent teeth, we love your smile, seriously.  As long as you’re able to keep the sharp bits from scraping against the head of his penis during oral sex, no man worth your time is ever going to complain that your teeth aren’t straight enough.

December 6th – Davichi – Everyday Christmas

Davichi are back and looking better than ever, it’s good to have some Christmas eye candy.  What’s weird though is that this song is actually kind of upbeat, which I definitely didn’t expect from Davichi of all people, weird how they had to pick now to kick out the jams but there you go.  It’s a pretty sad indictment of how boring the year in k-pop has been when half the Christmas songs listed here have a faster tempo than the usual k-pop songs these artists have been doing for the rest of the year.

December 6th – The Boyz – Candles

At least The Boyz keep the commitment to making shit, boring, slow R&B that everybody sensible hates.  Suddenly it feels like Christmas again.

December 6th – Castle Jun – Christmas in 13th month

13th month, what are you talking about?  Maybe this guy is counting his months using the astrologically-correct 13-sign zodiac or something.  Anyway, his song is mega nugu with a serious lack of polish all round and super-clashing instruments, it definitely sounds like a bad night at karaoke, but it’s also kind of fascinatingly bad.  I was strangely entertained.

December 6th – End&And – Christmas in Love

Ah, Christmas, the time to sleazily pick up on girls and also have fights, good on End&And for capturing the true Christmas spirit with their “it was all recorded in one shot, really, except the bits where we cheated by hiding the edits when the camera pivots around” video.  Anybody who ever thought my writing was in any way creepy, watch the guy wink at 0:54 while he’s picking up some chick at the Christmas MV party and tell me that’s not the creepiest thing you’ve ever seen anywhere ever.  Yes, you all owe me about 1000 apologies.

December 8th – Inthestudio feat. Yerim – Love Me Do

Even more fast-tempo Christmas songs, let’s go with the synthpop which is very Christmas apparently.  The result is actually pretty decent and it’s good to see from the video that western people in Korea are able to secure other work over there besides teaching English.

December 8th – Lunarsolar – Christmas is You

This is freaking me out – there’s actual serious good songs in this list this year.  Okay, why does Lunarsolar’s song have a fast beat, cool melodies, serious catchiness and even neat tremolo surf rock style guitar solos, making it far better than everything Lunarsolar have done this year?  Maybe I should just scrap my favourites of 2021 list and use this list instead.  Okay just kidding, I wouldn’t go that far, but it just disturbs me that k-pop have been saving all their upbeat songs until now.

December 9th – Skyle – Our Christmas

I guess this year has just been so slow and maudlin with so much dreary fucking crap trap nonsense, half-time drops and lazy R&B R&B R&B up the ass, that these Christmas songs sound like Slayer in comparison.  Skyle do actually drop to half time for the verse and even have a shitty post first chorus rap though like all the lame pop songs now, so this song did comfort me a little and now I can get back to shitting on everything.

December 10th – Davichi – I Wish

Okay, this is more of the type of thing I expected from Davichi, super-slow boring R&B trash with relentless soft-focus abuse, can you feel the “pearly volume”?

December 10th – Shin Hantae & the Reggae Soul – Broke Dub Christmas

I love videos where they show you close-ups of the mixing live as it’s supposedly happening.  This guy is legit though, and watching this man in action a few times might actually give people who were confused by my signal flow article some idea about how to use auxillary channels for effects.  This guy is using the faders for volume of each track and the horizontal aux channel strips to move sends of each track over to reverb units (right for more echo, left for less).  The beauty of using aux effects like this is when you kill the main fader signal, the signal that has been sent to the echo unit is a split, so the echo dies off naturally rather just being killed stone dead along with the original signal, so it’s the perfect way to mix dub reggae.  Keep in mind this is “post-fade aux” though, because he wants the signal to the reverb unit to also stop when he pulls the fader down, which wouldn’t happen if he was on “pre-fade” which is the more traditional use of aux channels (for foldback/monitoring).  Makes sense now, right?

December 10th – StoryJ Company X Aermusic – Merrymerry Christmas Day

The person who submitted most of the songs for this list went to the trouble of pointing out that Raina (Orange Caramel) and Dasom (Sistar) are both here, and I’m glad that they did because they both are looking great and it would be very hard to give a fuck about this song and video otherwise.

December 11th – Ailee & Wheein – Solo Christmas

For those who keep asking me, now here’s a look that really works for Ailee.  Still one of the most beautiful and talented singers in Korea.  Fuck those shitty k-pop websites who spread her nudes without her consent, and fuck this song too which sucks balls, but I really don’t mind Ailee going crazy on the vocals in the latter part of this song believe it or not because the song sucks dick anyway, it’s completely unsalvageable trash, she’s not going to improve it no matter what she does, so she might as well show off a little, fuck it.

December 13th – Kim Yongjun & Sunggyu – When it snows

Christmas this year seems to be the time for veteran performers to come out of their hidey hole and give us actual songs.  There’s so many second generation artists who are probably a bit out of their depth when competing among today’s k-pop noobs but Christmas is their time to shine I guess, because there’s some vague requirement to produce something singable.  There’s even guitar solos here what the fuck.

December 13th – Sole – Merry Merry

Okay, now we’re into the Rhodes-infected trash.  Suddenly it feels like Christmas.

December 14th – Billlie – Snowy Night

2021 rookie group Billie have actually had a reasonable (if not amazing) start to their careers musically, so I guess it figures that when it comes to Christmas time they can just relax a bit and just churn out some boring R&B that nobody wants to listen to because they’ve already put in a decent effort this year.

December 15th – Youngjae – Walk With Me

I wouldn’t walk with him.  Who knows what he’s into.  He might be one of those “we guys have to go to the military and you women don’t, therefore you have no rights” people.  That’s pretty statistically likely from most of these guys you know, so let’s all control our hormones a little bit.  Ladies, you probably are a lot safer just fapping to these dudes in your room.

December 16th – Kim Jong Ho – Christmas Angel

More nugu karaoke vibes, this song is maddeningly repetitive.  Nugus, please don’t write your own Christmas songs, we already have enough and they are mostly terrible.

December 16th – JG Project – Shiny Christmas

I can’t recognise people in new groups so I have no idea who these boys and girls even are.  A bit blown away that they went for a 4/4 rock beat and not a swing though, they really are trying to start a moshpit here aren’t they.  I tried to headbang to this, but the tinsel kept falling off.

December 16th – Lionesses – Christmas Miracle

If you want some gay-friendly gayness that is very gay, Lionesses definitely have you covered here.  The vocals and instruments are truly painful (especially that pitch bending, and the high vocals at the end, oh my god go easy on those testicles boys you might need them later) so turn that down and just enjoy the video of these two dudes dog-whistling as hard as they can.  The funny thing is that regular gay dog-whistle in k-pop videos is about on this level of intimacy anyway, so this video doesn’t even look all that more extreme.

December 16th – Lim Seowon, Lee Sowon, Kim Jiyul – Blessing on the christmas time

You’ve got to admit that being a kid and getting to be in a video like this would be kind of cool.  Certainly a step above from visiting Santa in the Magic Cave, which is what they do in my town or at least they used to do until COVID hit.  However as usual k-pop is pushing kids to do concepts over their age – look at the big ass book the girl is reading at 2:40 – when I was that age I was reading Dr. Seuss and Choose Your Own Adventure, not massive-ass books with tiny text that weren’t even in my native language.  Give them a break, can’t they just learn how to be exploited as cheap child labour with Roblox like normal kids their age geez.

December 16th – Parkmoonchi ft. Onewoo & Parkmoonchi Universe – Even if this world

You would think independent groups would know better but I guess not.

December 17th – MBM RECORDZ – Single Bell

Your yearly reminder that at Christmas time the suicide rate goes through the roof because peopel don’t feel normal if they’re not happy or something, Korea makes it even worse (of course) by pushing Christmas as a “couples” event rather than a “family” event so everyone who is single and miserable just says “fuck it” and jumps off that bridge in that Hyolyn video.

December 17th – Oh Geumbak – Everyday Christmas

It’s really getting down to the dregs now isn’t it.

December 18th – Purple Kiss – My My

Purple Kiss just decided to get out a hip-hop beat that goes harder than all the weak trap crap this year, well okay then.  I wouldn’t say the result is “good” but it’s nice to know the beats are hiding somewhere, waiting for the trap trend to finally die so they can one day return to k-pop.

December 18th – Fishingirls – Merry Alcoholmas

People still buy Gibson SGs, I have no idea why.  They’re shitty guitars that don’t stay in tune because of shit headstock design, they’re so bad that Les Paul himself didn’t even like them and was pissed off at Gibson for making them.  If these girls are actually planning to have an “alcoholmas” they’ll probably wake up the next day to find their SG broken at the headstock because in my experience that’s what happens to all of them if you get them out of their case more than twice per year.

December 20th – Stella Jang – My Winter Trip

Stella Jang’s Christmas vibes actually seem pretty understated compared to most of the rest of what’s here, which just goes to show how overblown everything else is because there’s no way I’d decorate my house with even Stella Jang’s level of commitment.

December 21st – Hy-five – You’re My Love

Combining anime and Christmas bullshit songs seems like a natural fit because both are trash, or at least they are in this case.

December 23rd – Lunch – Mr. Santa

The microphone having an orange thing on its end is supposed to be so you know it’s not a weapon that can kill someone.  Although after listening to this, I’m not so sure about that.

December 24th – Wonho – White Miracle

I know there’s a ton more songs, but let’s finish off this Christmas roundup, with Wonho’s special Christmas balls.  Are you ready for his “white miracle”?  The lyrics say it all:

A white miracle comes down / It’s going to cover the wound / Yeah, you’re feeling it too, right?

BONUS CHRISTMAS CONTENT

Solar sings some shitty Ariana Grande Christmas song

This outfit really works for Solar.  The Marilyn Monroe-esque flirtiness is a bit overdone but I don’t think anyone will mind too much.

Rockit Girl sings some other shitty Ariana Grande Christmas song

I’m not so sure about Leeseul’s outfit, and she’s being more subtle than Solar here which is surprising.  I guess she’s good about fanservice the rest of the time, so I’ll cut her some slack here.

Ariaz cover Davichi’s “Everyday Christmas”

See, Davichi girls, release something with a beat for a change and wow, the next thing you know other people actually give a shit.  I bet nobody tried to cover your last dozen boring ballads.

Pink Christmas wishes from KWANGYA

Lots of SM Entertainment artists giving you Christmas wishes, if you’re into that.  My only Christmas wish was for Sunny to be in this video but I guess it’s socks for me this Christmas from SM.

Velvet – Special Christmas Gift – 2022 calendar set

This calendar has only 50 copies available and will probably be sold out by the time you read this, but at least you have the video for if you want a “white miracle” of a different kind.


That’s all for this year’s Christmas songs – thank fuck for that!  I’m sure I missed some, please don’t tell me about it in the comments below because nobody cares!  The Christmas roundup will return in 365 days to annoy you some more, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, have a great 2022 until then!

3 thoughts on “Kpopalypse’s review of 2021’s haemorrhoid-licking Christmas trash

  1. You missed the perfect opportunity to offer Fishing Girls some redemption with those kickass lyrics highlighting exactly what you mentioned earlier in the post about Christmas – that you have to be happy and in a relationship or else you suck. Here in Canada, it’s all about family, but if it was a couples thing I would absolutely dig the “Christmas is not your birthday, something is wrong with you guys!’ mentality they’re putting out.

  2. Awwwwww.
    Now that Christmas is almost over here up in the US, gotta say THANK YOU for this –
    besides catching a matinee yesterday of ‘Dune’ (which I found to be much better than I was expecting), this review of 2021 Xmas songs was just the perfect Christmas gift.

    So good to see & hear(? I guess that was her voice) Raina, I’ve subscribed to Arago (really like her voice and her dimples are killer), Stray Kids are under JYP so it’s no surprise most of the stuff here they did is….sucky (although I kinda liked the Winter song), agreeing about the girl in the Kim Kyung Hun MV – she’s adorable, had to snicker at the house the Davichi girls were pulling up to for their Christmas vacation – only they could afford a house like that (even if it was only a rental!), my thanks for the Billlie song (even though I’ve subscribed to their channel I hadn’t seen or heard this one yet), thanks also for the Purple Kiss one (hadn’t heard it till now, liked it), got a big laugh out of the Fishingirls one, really wished Lunch had sung her song all in Korean (I think it just would’ve sounded better that way), Solar did a really good job on the song that Eartha Kitt really owns, annnnnnnd
    [huge intake of breath because everything above was all in one breath]
    wow, Velvet…….. thanks for introducing me to her channel (of COURSE I subsrcribed!).

    That’s all (that’s more than enough, right?)!
    Hope you had a great Xmas, man — and stay safe so we can read more stuff like this in 2022.

    ^____^

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