It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!
T-ara – All Kill
An obvious rejig of “Day By Day” which definitely has more of their signature sound than “Tiki Taka” but again the tempo-shifting is a little clunky and it just doesn’t quite get over the line by T-ara standards. Mind you at least T-ara have standards, if this was any other twelve-year old group it would be ballad central, so let’s just be quietly grateful.
Monsta X – Rush Hour
Nothing all that special, and they make sure to add enough half-time sections to ruin whatever groove it could have potentially built up.
SF9 – Trauma
A pretty good song if you ignore everything happening above about 300Hz.
Weki Meki – Siesta
Sure, “boom boom fireworks” isn’t a great choice of lyrics but k-pop fans should be used to crap English in their songs by now. Just pretend that they’re singing that bit in some language you don’t understand, because if you can build a bridge and get over that aspect, what you’re left with is a better Twice song than the last few Twice songs.
NiziU – Need U
Well, it’s better than “Chopstick“… I guess.
Oh My Girl Hyojung, Seunghee, Binnie – CoKo Dance
Fear not, Cocomong does not make an appearance here. Unfortunately, neither does anything worth listening to.
E’Last – To.Lie
Might be of interest to a hair stylist out there maybe, but that’s about all. Mind you I don’t even think the hair colours are any good, too many light pastel shades, not enough deep dark colour. Who wants to watch a bunch of k-pop boys rocking granny blue-rinse.
Drippin – Vertigo
Imagine performing in a k-pop video when an earthquake hits. How fast would they run out from under the flashing Rubik’s Cube thing I wonder. Mind you their CEO would probably force them to stand there and hold it up so it didn’t scratch the floorboards.
Woo!ah! x BAE173 x Ciipher – Bright Together
Lots of people doing not a lot with their time.
Bibi – The Weekend
Bibi knew that my most recent boobs post was coming so she made sure to have the editors CGI over the top of them for most of this video.
Heize with Stonehenge – Beautiful Moments
Good music doesn’t really trend in Korea, so I think we’ll have to wait another five years for a decent Heize track.
AB6IX – Do You Remember
It’s a sportball theme. Let’s move on quickly, just in case the song is any good and I actually have to praise it. I’d rather not know.
Hi-L – Beautiful Night
You kids think not having that many “sexy concepts” these days is some sort of great victory for k-pop, but what if I told you that the “cute” clothes here are what prostitutes actually wear? The dog-whistle intensifies.
Just B – Try
They tried, and failed.
Ha Sungwoon – Electrified
I like it when he dances in front of a sign saying “please turn on the switch”, it’s clearly needed because the engineer obviously forgot to.
Minji feat. Choi A-in – I Like You
Stop pretending to be shy and shit, it’s boring. I want a k-pop video where some girl walks up to some guy she likes, looks him dead in the eye and says “let’s go, cunt”. If you think I’m being unrealistic and that would never happen, I pretty much met my girlfriend this way.
Ahn Yeeun X Pororo – Banana Chacha Tropical ver.
This thinly-veiled attempt to get on my worst of k-pop list for 2021 isn’t working, because despite the misleading title they actually went for a decent reggae groove instead of tropical shithouse. Nice try.
Woonie & DJ Luminess – Breathe
Warning sign: fluro lights arranged in weird patterns.
Younha – Stardust
Younha’s songs work fine when she actually has a melody to sing, but just grinding over the same three notes all the time isn’t it.
015B feat. Fil – My Old Song
015B somehow got the idea that shitty 80s pop ballads are what you want to hear.
Yey – Nova
Jun Doohee – This is NOT
He’s singing about his guitar, I think. Gibson SGs are rubbish guitars that won’t stay in tune no matter what you do to them, and they break all the time.
BMW Korea feat. Dalzi – For Us, For Future
Look at these fools trying to talk me into buying a new car. Buying new cars is stupid, there’s so many better things to spend money on. I buy the cheapest car I possibly can so I can spend money on guitars instead (just not Gibsons).
Ohchill – God Diver
Don’t be fooled – this is not a video you want to watch.
H-Eugene – Nameless
People like this can’t really exist, surely.
Yoon Jiyoung – My Luv
Youra – Raww
I’m not sure what “art clip” means exactly. “We couldn’t be bothered putting any effort in, so we hope you think this one aesthetic choice we made is enough to carry the whole video” might be it, perhaps.
Badlamb – Noon Moment
Oh wow it’s a clone of all those useless bands that emerged when grunge started cleaning up its sound and becoming more corporate-friendly, oh yippee yay.
Dindin feat. Jeong Sewoon – To You
I could be listening to the new T-ara again but no, I have to review this crap instead. Fuck my life.
Haebin – Swimming
Actually pretty nice, don’t hate this ex-Gugudan member for wearing a car seat cover, you don’t know how badly that label treated her.
The Abrupt Departure – Home
Koreans can’t stop making their videos about coffee, can they.
Yang Jieun, Hong Jiyun, Kim Dahyeon, Kim Taeyeon – Bang A-yo
The fact that there’s a trot “Kim Taeyeon” is doing my head in these days, but probably not as much as it’s doing Annie’s head in.
Yeongho – My Son
You might hate on these old people for being old and crusty, but we know how to hold microphones, kid.
Yelim – House Geori
I don’t know what a geori is but we’ll have none of it in this house, thank you.
Yonge Jaundice, Pullik, Kaeoh626, Ohiorabbit, James An, Lil Sunder 11 – Waiting Room Cypher
Yay an actual hip-hop beat this week.
Big Naughty feat. eaJ – STAB
And now it’s back to our regular program.
Ovan – Walk
Just keep walking.
J_ust feat. Mad Clown – I think I have to move
Really really not worth the click. It’s not even as good as the lame hip-hop crap I was expecting instead.
Narin – Seoul Bike Safety Song
Look at these cunts pretending that you on your pushbike are the problem and not the mad cunts in motorbikes riding on the footpath and the vans hooning along the highway at 180ks with your favourite starving B-list idol group in the back.
Rockit Girl – Like A Virgin
Rockit Girl absolutely shamelessly butcher Madonna’s original, throwing most of the original straight out the window, and that’s fine, it wasn’t one of her better songs anyway.
BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
Pink Fantasy – Tales Of The Unusual – normal version
Just in case you wanted to know what they looked like underneath the zombie makeup. Of course Daewang still has to wear a heat-shield, that poor girl is never going to get some fresh air ever, is she. At least she’ll be the last person in k-pop to catch the coronavirus.
Vivi Momento – Viviz “Dazed” making film
I’m very sorry to say that the outfit Eunha wears in the thumbnail doesn’t make an appearance in this video, but the content here still mrs anyway.
Dahyun has crashed
Thanks to a reader for finding this excellent footage for me, I added some appropriate sound effects so you can more easily determine what is happening in the mind of Dahyun.
That’s all for this week – Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!