It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!
Wonho – On The Way
A bland song but someone might get some value out of those muscle shirts maybe. Mind you this video is pretty light by regular Wonho fap standards, we are definitely teasing rather than pleasing here.
TXT – Frost
A lot of potential, let down by an anemic chorus that doesn’t really do anything much.
The Boyz – Maverick
None here though – this is pretty much just everything wrong with boy-group music in 2021. Again.
Dreamnote – Ghost
After a hugely promising start, the lame blues-style boy-group vocalising enters and completely ruins the mood of the intro. The song does redeem itself later but this could have been a Dreamcatcher-killer and just isn’t.
Secret Number – Fire Saturday
Like a lot of this week’s tracks, it’s not bad but really just lacks some kind of extra spark to make it all come together.
Ailee – Don’t Teach Me
Not as good at IU’s attempts at the same kind of thing on “Modern Times”, and the styling is a mess. Ailee looks great and deserves better than a wardrobe department that only knows how to dress people who are stick skinny.
CL – Let It
CL continues to not live up to the promise of 2NE1 as a solo artist.
Red Velvet – Bad Boy (Prep mix)
This song still sucks and I wouldn’t even consider it eligible for the end of year lists anyway because who gives a fuck about a worthless remix, just putting this here so people don’t compulsively ask me about it or tell me I forgot it when in fact I’d rather just ignore it on purpose.
Jeon Somi – XOXO
Is it just me or is Somi trying to be Gwen Stefani in No Doubt days, just without the songs.
Jeon Somi – Anymore
Seriously every Somi song just sounds like the kind of bland, boring western pop songs that drove me in the direction of k-pop in the first place.
KAACHI – Get Up
Apparently an old Baby Vox song, and not a very good one, Kaachi really don’t improve it any, but at least they’re getting better at making videos.
BOL4 – Butterfly Effect
BOL4 fans got their panties in a twist this week when I said that the other chick who left wrote all the good songs. Maybe that’s not true but who even cares, the group was still better with her in it, for whatever reason. Anyway, this song actually isn’t too bad, it sounds curiously like a BigBang ballad, although how they made whatshername look like crap when she’s actually one of the more attractive k-pops to have ever k-popped is anyone’s guess.
BOL4 – Space
Their other song is fucking shit though, so all three of BOL4’s international fans can still be mad at me I guess. Pissing off the BOL4 fanbase feels a bit like winning best set decoration at the Oscars, but it’s better than going home empty handed.
Sparky – Eventually
I don’t know who she is either, but her song is as good as any A-list’s boy group’s midtempo heartfelt angsty lighter-waver.
2AM – No good in good-bye
Aside from being incorrect on a purely linguistic level, if what we’re saying goodbye to is shitty ballad groups, I think there’s plenty of “good” in that.
2AM – Should’ve known
At least 2AM always bring out the top-tier modelling talent for this crap, and you gets lots of long, lingering camera shots of their faces. I suppose that’s worth something. They must be perverts like me I guess.
Amber Liu – Bad Decision
Better than most of what Amber has done, but if this was a new artist and not someone people knew of with a previous history in f(x) literally nobody would give a shit.
Seventeen – To You
Seventeen continue their weird pattern of actually being really good lately.
Seventeen – Crush
Their other song isn’t much. Why are they singing under a huge diaphragm.
Enhypen – Upper Side Dreamin’
Just move along.
Tae Jin Son with Wendy – Be Deep
A complete mess with everything competing for space, no subtlety or nuance here whatsoever. I’ve heard gabber techno songs with better use of dynamics. Definitely the worst “old school” ballad in recent memory.
Minimani – To Me
Just sort of cruises along. Don’t forget to check out the drama video for some “eww, fat people smell gross, yuck” stereotyping fun times.
Pixy – Bewitched
Contains some really good moments but also far too much fucking around in general.
DKB – Rollercoaster
Another plodding R&B song, which really doesn’t match the dark look of the video at all.
EPEX – Do 4 Me
I wasn’t very hopeful but the song is actually pretty good once it gets going. A pretty good effort for some group that I barely know despite the fact they’ve clocked up 10 million views in a few days. Guess I’m out of touch, fuck it.
Just B – Tick Tock
That chorus sounds like someone originally planned to put some harmony behind it but they just went “nah, screw making music” and just put some weird sawing noises in there instead.
XRO – All In
I actuallly genuinely like it how they’re not pretending to be able to actually do backing vocals at all.
MCND – Cat Waltz
Song is shit but at least it mrcs, plus serious gay fanservice. Now you know why Scottish Fold cats cover their own ears.
The Wild Idol – Diving to the top
I guess “diving to the top” is the swimmer’s version of “bad meaning good”.
Treasure – Be With Me
Leave a comment if you were more scared by my latest Halloween fanfiction.
B.I. – Keep The Fire Alive
Now here’s a song that doesn’t know what it wants to be. I like it how they accidentally burned one of the backing dancers and just left the footage in.
Park Jihoon – Serious
I love the top comment: “I refuse to believe jihoon is a soloist , his voice himself like a whole 5 members of boy group!” – yeah, you’re not imagining that, it’s because they’ve double-tracked him about five times. I guess it’s probably asking too much to explain technology to these people, I mean some k-pop fans even still believe in MR removed videos.
Koyote – Expression
Koyote are usually gimmicky stupid bullshit, but they actually sound good when they’re being serious and channelling their hidden T-ara “Absolute First Album” energy.
Epik High feat. Giriboy, Sik-K, JUSTHIS – Face ID
After about twenty lame R&B songs in a row that all sucked, Epik High finally get it right… but don’t worry shit music fans, they still remind you at 1:00 just how pathetic and useless they can be when they want to be! Just as well I guess, I mean we wouldn’t want to get false hope up that Korean hip-hop was actually any good or anything.
PRSNT – All Night Long
The other Jiyoon, the one from 4minute… wait, you remember 4minute, right? Yeah, that group that everyone said in 2013 would outlast T-ara. Anyway, Jiyoon just came out with a song better than anything her or anyone else 4minute-related has done since the group broke up. She even looks great, which she never really has before either, they always made her look ridiculous back in the day.
Somya – Don’t Move
I’m liking the prison guard theme. Don’t worry Somya I will comply with all directions given.
Francinne – Fading Like A Moon
Okay so why are all the comments in some language that isn’t English or Korean. I want to know the story here, someone fill me in.
015B feat. Elaine – Elena Coda
Just like Epik High, 015B are great – when they could be fucking bothered. Just like Epik High, that’s unfortunately very rarely.
DPR LIVE, DPR IAN, peace. – Diamonds + and Pearls
It took me this amount of time to realise that DPR IAN and DPR LIVE are two different entities. What does DPR stand for though? “Don’t press record”?
Lee Youngji feat. Jay Park – Day Night
Hey Jay Park is back! How we’ve missed you over these last seven days.
Kim Sawol – Drive
Kim Sawol sounds better when she’s not being so nice. Can we have the sniper-rifle-holding Tarantino-soundtrack-channeling Kim Sawol back?
Cotoba – Reyn
The Japanese-made Fender “Hybrid” series of guitars that cotoba are advertising here are really cool. Back when I was growing up people looked down on Japanese-made guitars, but the workmanship has really picked up since then, to the point where I’d take a Japanese-made Fender over an American-made one, instantly. Unfortunately, everyone else now realises this too, so prices of Japanese Fenders have skyrocketed amongst guitar nerds in recent years. Oh well.
Han Heejung – My World
Martin guitars on the other hand are just overrated. They’re just as good or bad as any other acoustic guitar brand you can buy, but they’re also about three times the price for no sensible reason other than it’s a brand people know. For the money I spent on my absolute top of the line blinged-out IU model Crafter I could probably buy only the cheapest, shittiest Martin guitar out there. What a wank “brand name value” is.
Pitta – The Nation
Typical computer game theme power fantasy nonsense in the best incel-stroking K/DA tradition. What poo computer game is this for, can anyone tell me.
Acoustel – B612
You know with a group name like “Acoustel” to really not expect too much, hey.
Nerd Connection – Will We Be A Melody
Well, they’re not exactly doing the best job of being a melody here.
MEANSHOCK – Walking In The Blue Sky
The only mean shock I had here was this song sounded nothing like what I expected a band called “MEANSHOCK” to sound like.
Lohye – Clarity
A real band, or an idol project? I’m going with the latter, judging by the poor microphone positioning and the fact that she holds a guitar a lot but we never really see her play it.
Yaeji & Ohhyuk – 29
Hey nobody has asked me if I like Yaeji or her music in about 6 months, I think that’s a record since I started writing roundup. Anyway this is the best thing I’ve ever heard her do and also the best I’ve ever seen her look, and I don’t like either, so there you go. The problem here is the chorus, why suddenly have that monotone verse and then break the mood and insert a maddeningly repetitive weird jazzy feel that doesn’t belong for the hook.
Yaeji & Ohhyuk – Year to Year
Different doesn’t mean good, in fact usually it means complete boredom. There’s a reason why pop music innovates in very small increments.
Soyon with Yuk Joongwan – Foot Smell
Okay, who told her this was aegyo. What a cruel prank to pull.
Kassy – Poem for you
I’ve got a poem for you:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Most poems rhyme
But this one doesn’t
BLOO – Girl in New York
So much potential, destroyed by Autotune.
Double V, Celeb Five, Rooftop Moonlight, Yozoh, Sunwoo Jung Ah, Cheeze, Park Moonchi – WHATTA LIFE
How could all of these people have gotten together to record and not one of them said “hey this song’s a bit too on the nose, isn’t it?”
Hoody feat. Giriboy – D-day
Notable only because while Cha Cha Malone has done many terrible R&B beats on many songs, this is the only time in memory that I’ve seen someone lipsync his catchphrase.
Keith Ape – She’s Always Looking For A Playtime
Isn’t it a tragic sign of the times that this shitty song from Keith Ape that is obviously destined to flop by Keith Ape standards will probably still be more popular than anything 99% of people across the world will ever do in their lifetimes.
Wavycake feat. B JYUN. – Deep
It’s not too bad until the falsetto comes out and then it’s just a hard nope.
F.HERO x MILLI feat. Changbin – Mirror Mirror
This will shock most of you, but I actually like this. I’m still trying to work out why. Maybe it’s got a lot to do with the presentation (she looks great, in fact they all do) but it’s definitely not only that. I’ll get back to you if I ever figure it out.
RANDOM BONUS VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
Aespa and Girls Generation’s seasons greetings concept trailers
SM are marketing geniuses, they know what’s up. Notice how modern group Aespa has the weird glitch music because they’re young and new whereas SNSD have the white lace and classical music business because you as a fan are imagining yourself marrying them because they’re at that age. Also Sunny with the slightly sideways angle (again) so you can check out how she still has some of the best curves in the business, and then they hit you with Yoona straight after so you can cool off a bit and keep watching. Someone as perverse as me is working at SM and thought about all of this very carefully.
Dreamcatcher – this is how you should start a Vlive
Just putting this here in case Asian Junkie missed this excellent high grade Dreamcatcher fap material. K-pop writers got to look out for each other in these harsh times.
That’s all for this week! More Kpopalypse roundup next week!