It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out some new releases!

Loona – Hula Hoop

Kind of a grating song but the real offense here is committed by the music video, with the constant vertical scrolling rendering it near-unwatchable.

Jessi (with SWF) – Cold Blooded

Start off with WAP and remove the only things that are good about it (that ascending bassline, Megan’s styling, Ben Shapiro) and there’s really not much left to care about.

Enhypen – Tamed-Dashed

Some nice dirty bass tones are the best thing about what’s otherwise pretty average.

Tri.be – Would You Run

Yet another girl group “in my area” with a messy hodge-podge of nearly every Blackpink song ever created, it’s definitely not the revolution.  Yes I am going to keep making that joke everywhere I can.

Blackswan – Close To Me

The 17th lineup of Rania sadly don’t have much of a start going for them.

Lightsum – Vivace

Nothing notable here except some excellent Frenchface at 0:47

Red Velvet – Queendom (Demicat Remix)

Just don’t remix things.  Simple.

STAYC – I’ll Be There

Add “I’ll Be There” to the list of generic song titles from which a good song is yet to come from any artist in any country in the entirety of human history.

Do Hanse – Public Enemy

Korea sure has a weird idea of what constitutes “live”, apparently some guy miming hundreds of miles away from the nearest sound system is a “live clip” now.

Wonho – Come Over Tonight

If you want to play a fun game try fapping only when Wonho is (or isn’t) at the front of the relay line.

Davichi – First Loss

My first loss in k-pop was when Davichi became a ballad group, and then I realised it wasn’t some wild new artistic direction but they did it for the bucks because there were literally hundreds of other groups just like Davichi and they were the only ones that charted.

Hi Cutie – Little Witch

Okay, I don’t know what I was expecting when I heard that Hi Cutie’s song was called “Little Witch”, but some weird, screechy blues-based thing sure wasn’t it.

CherryB feat. Huta – Hello

That synth doing the weird triplets just kind of fucks everything up to be honest.  Someone kick the kids out of the music store.

Lulupop & Daisy – Summertime Magic

What kind of human animal actually thinks this is cute and not creepy as shit.  Also is this Momoland’s Daisy or just some other Daisy, does anyone know?

Hyolyn – W.O.E

Yet another song where Hyolyn looks like her cat just died.  Hyolyn’s transition from Sistar into ballads sure isn’t working out for her. 

Woodz – Kiss of Fire

I’m hoping that light in the back there is from a police motorcyclist who has noticed Woodz’ film crew breaking road safety fire regulations and is about to shut down the video shoot.

Woodz – Chaser

After the cops poured water into the barrels and threw them into the paddock Woodz is back for another round of shit music, complete with another “live clip” that isn’t.

Lee Jinhyuk – Work Work

Yeah this wasn’t worth holding back the roundup for.

JUST B – My Way

Every boy group has to have one of these cringe dorm videos now.

Donghae feat. Jeno – California Love

That’s not a city skyline, that’s a lego set.

Donghae feat. Miyeon – Blue Moon

Those boring Swedish cunts in the background playing instruments are actually the people writing all of oppar’s songs.  You thought you were listening to k-pop but what you’re really hearing is western pop in a different language.

Kangta – Maybe

Or maybe not.

Chancellor feat. Gaeko – Midnight

Dynamic Duo must earn a pittance for guest spots given that they do so many of them.

Is – Let Is Slow

People say I should remove the ballads from roundup – and I do – but what I really should be removing more of is the R&B shit.

Rothy – Cold Love

Did you know that when Koreans break up with each other, their hair straightens?

Eric Nam – I Don’t Know You Anymore

Was this guy in Burning Sun or am I getting him mixed up with some other rapist?  Anyway, this song’s actually alright.

Choi Suhwan feat. Lagone – New Hero

Some rando from Produce 101 doing an awful solo, don’t worry that means there’s only 100 other potential bullshit songs like this still to come!

Bebe Yana – Strawberry Kisses

Apparently this girl was in EvoL but I have no idea which one she was.  Anyway she’s still being a k-pop but this wishy-washy song doesn’t have much to offer.

Monika feat. Kursor – Silhouette

Monika was from Badkiz but you wouldn’t know it, as Badkiz were sometimes actually good.

Song Heejin – Cruel Ending

Just too much singing.

Stella Jang – Let’s Go Home

Any video where they make coffee, you know there’s going to be musical problems.  Mind you, I didn’t totally hate this, which probably means I’m putting in too many long hours at work lately and perhaps am acquiring the Korean mindset of ballad-liking.

NOA – Highway

Thanks to BTS all boy groups gotta pose outside brightly coloured buildings while funk guitar plays now.  The amount of locations where you can do this in Korea is going to start to get exhausted really quickly.

ShinYoume – Hitchhiker

Just look at the Russian cultural appropriation in this video.  I wonder what Lana has to say about this shocking display of Fezface.

Han Beak – Le Grand Bleu

What a waste of very expensive instruments.

JT&MARCUS – Dear you

Okay, so you bought a drone from a hobby store.  Nobody gives a shit.

KittiB – A.D.H.D

We all knew KittiB wasn’t really a rapper when she was handed the ultimate opportunity to write a killer diss rap a few years ago, and turned it down in favour of musical silence and weaksauce legal action.  Sure, she won the case, but we were all deprived of the stomping Black Nut diss rap that could have been.  No wonder this straight pop song is far better than any rap she’s ever written, she’s finally writing something in her comfort zone.

Hamster Powder Club – Hotdog Dance

Such a great band name and song name, I sure didn’t expect something this dreary.

SimSim Project – Firefly Light

All very well having a gaygeum in the mix, but where are the invisible keyboard player and drummer?  Did they not want to be in the video, or did Miss Gayageum say “there’s not enough room in this town for the three of us”?

Wild – Call My Name

You know anyone with “wild” in their artist title really isn’t.  A lion doesn’t need to tell you that it’s a lion.

Liu feat. Sosa, Kim Do Yun – Blue Hawaii

Unusually good photography for someone I’ve never heard of, they really made her look great, whoever she is.

Peakboy, Kino with Brother Bin – Up&Down

Weak shit.  Men in k-pop are absolutely pathetic now.  Remember B.A.P’s “One Shot“?  Infinite’s “The Chaser“?  Why can’t we have that sound back and fuck this happy shit off, please.

Hanhae, Taeil, TPF – MMM

If only the music was as good as the dancing and the outfits.

zai.ro, Jeong Sewoon, Hokeep – Pull Me Down

I don’t know what this “hidden performance” crap is all about, but it’s only the actual decent music that’s doing the hiding.

F.K.A Shadow – ARMZ

It doesn’t matter how much you point guns at people, you’re still boring.  This isn’t even worthy of a Nugu Alert header image let alone a listen.

Shin Hye – Drink Time

Drink time sounds good, roundup will make an alcoholic out of me yet.  I wish this one had English subs just so I could know exactly how she is glorifying getting smashed and waking up in a puddle of your own puke and ruining your life.

KCM – Sunny Today

When you see the ultra-washed-out colours and hear an acoustic guitar, just switch off.  The only sunny today I care about is the one in Girls’ Generation.

Giriboy – You Turned Around

Some nice crisp sounds here but as usual nothing resembling an actual song.

Migyo – To Fall For You

She must be one of those girls who is obsessed with how one side of their face looks better than the other.

Meenoi – Salang Salang

IU’s “Bbibbi” on a budget actually looks pretty good, but rambling melodies ruin everything.

Meenoi – Fuxk off

She even looks a bit like IU, all she needs now is the expensive hit songwriters.

Black On feat. de Toneco – Kick It

Nice mood but lacking a beat.

Team NY – We Back + Sting

Oh, these kids.  Nice of their parents to agree to park their vehicles out in the street so they could shoot their music video.  I have to admit the groove actually sounds pretty good once the intro is over, just don’t show them a map of the USA and point out where New York is, or they’re going to have to re-record this.

Hallucy – Top

I worked with a girl many years ago who was an unapologetic materialist and very proud to own a BMW.  She didn’t like it much when I told her that the only reason BMWs are considered a luxury car in Australia is because they’re imported, and if she lived in Germany it would be like being proud of owning a Honda Civic.  I mean, that could actually be untrue, but having her throw a tantrum and not talk to me for a week was worth it.

Squerel & Rufus – Yee-ha

You have to feel sorry for the horses.  Surely they had to give them hearing protection so they wouldn’t throw these yoloturds out of the paddock.

VERY NUGU BALLADS THAT DO NOT SUCK SECTION

Leegoyo – June

The almost Julee Cruise sound here gets this very nugu ballad over the line, give her some views and tell her I sent you.

Sung-ah – Maybe I’m Not That Special

Another reasonably good ballad from someone you’ve never heard of, maybe.  I think the vocals are a bit over-present once it really gets rolling, but whatever, it doesn’t suck. 

MarlangJADU – City Summer Night

Some very appealing moodiness and ambience here.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

Pachabel’s Canon In D – cover by Leezy

Did you know that classical music is relaxing?  It is a trufax!  Listen to Leezy’s performance of the well-known Canon and feel the waves of relaxation wash over you as your heart rate slows and your body temperature cools.  What do you mean it’s not working?  That’s a you problem, clearly.

Chuu Can Do It Episode 39 – Chuu is getting married

Chuu was unable to marry Yves because that would make the lesbianism too obvious for Korean TV, so Chuu does the next best thing and marries Chuu instead.  Seriously excellent styling here on both the bride and groom outfits, Chuu has rarely looked better.  If I were Chuu, I’d marry Chuu too.

Some rando video about a kitten

This story of the development of a kitten came up in my YouTube recommended and it mrcs so now you can watch it too.

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That’s all for this week – Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!