Kpopalypse roundup – new k-pop releases 4/10/2021

It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out some new releases!

Someone was apparently very keen to get Cravity into their cavity recently. If you think that’s the worst joke you’ve ever heard, keep reading.

Coldplay x BTS – My Universe

 
 
It really just sounds like any other Coldplay song, which tells you all you need to know.
 

Twice – The Feels

Twice’s version of the generic funk thing everybody is doing is better than most thanks to some good melodic choices.  Also the entire group are looking better than they have in years thanks to the video directors finally not burying them in shadow anymore like they’re trying to film some weird noir k-pop movie.  Now if we can get more Jeongyeon participation that’d be great.  I know she’ll ill or whatever, that’s fine, she doesn’t have to dance or anything, a camera by her hospital bed would do nicely.
 

CL – Lover Like Me

 
 
CL has never got her post-2NE1 music quite right and this song continues the trend, she’s always doing these limp rap excursions.  Imagine if she came out one day with something that could rock like 2NE1 at their peak.
 

Itzy – Swipe

 
 
Not much of a song really, but that bizarre bass drum pattern that hits the beat too early is keeping me listening to it.  I feel like they should have either written a better chorus melody, or just dispensed with melody altogether and made it super-harsh and weird – either would have worked better than this halfway-house.  I had to think about it but it’s a hard swipe-right for this one.
 

Hot Issue – Icons

 
 
And here’s the budget version, which is a lot worse.
 

Wonho – No Text No Call

 
 
No mosh, no trends, no fun, no core, no text, no call, no abs, no song.
 

Yukika – Tokyo Lights

 
 
After her requisite one good song out of 57 Yukika is now back to whatever she usually does.  The pretty video is worth a look though.
 

Skyle – Da Da Da

 
 
Nah nah nah.
 

Lightsum X KnniePnnie and friends – Title Song

 
 
So fleeting that it’s barely even worth including in roundup, but I just wanted you to know that this existed.  Don’t thank me all at once.
 

E’Last – Dark Dream

 
 
While I would have preferred a bit more pace, we still get a great song harking back to the days when heavy orchestration was a more popular choice for k-pop boy groups.  They actually go a bit too far in the chorus with the orchestral noodling, but it’s not enough to ruin everything and the basic building blocks here are good.  
 

Ciipher – Blind

 
 
Another good song.  The boy group songs are good this week?  Why can’t the girls also get their shit together?
 

INI – Rocketeer

 
 
Oh, this song fucking sucks.  Phew, we’re back to normal.  I thought something was seriously wrong with the universe there for a second. 
 

NIK – Santa Monica

 
 
It would be great if  groups would stop trying to be a hip-hop every five seconds, just because NCT made it work twice in five years doesn’t mean it’ll work for you.
 

TeenageGirls – Same Same Different

 
 
Mostly same same.  Also a quick tip for k-pop CEOs: try not to name your up and coming group something that might create red flags for anyone attempting a web search.  I wanted to find out the background of this group just because I didn’t really know what was going on or if this was for some weird TV show or whatever, but I didn’t want to get on some list or something.
 

The Wild Idol – Born To Be Wild

 
 
I assume this is also something similar, but once again I feel like “Yua Mikami teacher xxx gangbang fuck” is still a safer web search than “The Wild Idol” so I’m too scared to look it up.  Also Yua Mikami looks a hell of a lot more comfortable in every single one of her drama appearances than any of these boys do here. 
 

Nonstop – Fly Away

 
 
One of the good things about all the clubs shutting down because of coronavirus is that there’s now a whole lot of extra empty buildings with dark interiors and a decent lighting rig where people can do their dance thing.
 

Dowoon feat. Song Heejin – Out of the Blue

 
 
Nostalgia is junk food for the brain.  There’s time to reminisce when you’re on your deathbed.  Until then, keep moving forward, and looking forward, and throw any songs like this straight in the bin.
 

F.hero x Urboytj feat. Minnie – Money Honey

 
 
Imagine spending hours working hard, animating something that literally nobody on this earth wants to see.  Generic hip-hop losers being materialist and boring, no, we don’t want this.  Go animate a shark or something.
 

Roda – Stupidly In Love

 
 
This video has scenes from M.O.N.T’s European shows, so it wasn’t entirely shot in Korea.  I’m not sure if this is acceptably patriotic enough for M.O.N.T content.
 

Na Ungjae – Drama

 
 
Some nice location shooting here (good work lucking out with the wind turbine on a misty day) and that’s about all.
 

Artlover – Redmoon

 
 
Artlover’s latest gets over the line due to a chilling atmosphere and lots of room for the instruments.  Restraint is important.
 

GuacaMolly Universe feat. Jade – Little Yellow Boy

 
 
Look at this very problematic example of “caterpillarface”.  Going into another creature’s territory just to mock their appearance is really insulting.  Don’t try this where I live, you’ll meet one of those caterpillars that squirts acid in your eyes at the slightest hint of cultural appropriation.
 

Hy-Five – Super Hero

 
 
Now this is what you do when you have a CGI avatar concept but then the programmer says “fuck your project” halfway through so you have to quickly go to plan B.
 

YerY – So I Lie

 
 
Is this Yery from Yeri Band?  If so, bring back the rock, please.  If it isn’t Yeri from Yeri Band, bring back the rock anyway.
 

The Boys’ Ear – I Hate You

 
 
Miserable I-V-vi-IV progressions over a leaden beat just makes you sound like an even more morose version of “Tomorrow Wendy“.
 

FreezyBone – Onestep

 
 
It’s just a fact that if your name has the words “Freezy” or “Bone” in it, you will never produce any artistic creation of intrinsic worth.
 

Rohann – Comin’ At Ya

 
 
Someone released a good hip-hop song.  This doesn’t happen very often so I thought you’d like to know about it.
 

Lee Seung Yoon – Bench Press

 
 
This is cool and I got a laugh out it… but not as much as you will laugh (or maybe cry) as we now segue to the…
 

INAPPROPRIATE DAD JOKE SECTION

Kim Woojin – In My Space

 
 
Someone complained about my ‘dad jokes’ in roundup, saying they’re sick of me making dad jokes with song and artist titles, so this week I’m going to put actual dad jokes in this roundup whenever I don’t have much else to say about a song.  Why did the first k-pop concert on the moon get bad reviews?  Because it had no atmosphere.
 

Bjoo – Backpacker

 
 

A backpacker finds a tiny village tucked away in the mountains with one tiny pub.

He walks into the pub and there are all these old men just sitting around in silence.  So the backpacker orders a beer and finds himself a seat.

Suddenly one of the men shouts, “Number 4!” and the whole room erupts with laughter.

The backpacker is surprised by this but then the laughter dies down and he goes back to sipping his pint.

Then another one of them shouts, “Number 21!” and once again everybody has a good laugh.

The backpacker turns to someone and asks what’s going on. “Ah you see we’re a bit isolated out here”, the man says. “We all know each other’s jokes so well we decided to give them all a number to save time when we want to tell them.”

The backpacker gets a mischievous look on his face.  He stands up and shouts, “Number 1001!”

It was like an earthquake had hit.  The whole room reverberated with the men’s voices, some of them slapping their thighs and almost falling off their chairs.  As the laughter died down some of them were pressing their hands to their chests, just to make sure they weren’t having a heart attack.

The backpacker turns to the man next to him and says, “So is that one of the good ones?”  The man says, “Oh no, it’s just that we’d never heard that one before.”

Owalloil – Run

 
 
Why did only gym members laugh while running on the treadmill?  You won’t get it.  It was a running inside joke.
 

Deul – Strawberry Lips

 
 
Three girls named Raina, Lizzy and Nana were driving through the country, when all of a sudden, their car runs out of petrol and glides to a halt.
 
Raina remembers passing a farm earlier, so her and Lizzy walk back down the road to the farm, leaving Nana minding the car.
 
When Raina and Lizzy get to the farm, they tell the farmer what happened.  The farmer raises a gun to their head and tells both of them to each get a single random fruit or vegetable from the garden.  Raina grabs a turnip, and Lizzy grabs a single strawberry.
 
Just as they come back into the farmer’s house, Nana walks in.  The farmer tells Nana to do the same as Raina and Lizzy just did, and Nana heads off towards the garden. 
 
While Nana is out in the garden, the farmer tells Raina and Lizzy to shove whatever fruit or vegetable they have up each other’s asses, and whoever laughs, dies.  After a few seconds, Raina starts laughing, so the farmer shoots her immediately.  Then Lizzy laughs and the farmer shoots her as well. 
 
As they are floating out of their bodies, Lizzy asks Raina why she laughed when she knew it would result in certain death.  Raina said “I couldn’t help it – the thought of sticking a turnip up your ass was just too funny”. Raina then asked Lizzy why she laughed, and Lizzy said: “I saw Nana coming around the corner with a pineapple!”
 

Albas – Morning Coffee

 
 
Two astronauts are in the International Space Station, having a coffee break, when one of them starts looking around through the small break room. 
 
The second astronaut notices this, and asks “Are you looking for something?  Have you lost anything?”
 
The first astronauts nods.  “Yeah.  I can’t find any milk for my coffee, it’s really annoying me.”
 
The second astronaut replies “In space no one can.  Here, use cream.”
 

Naru – Spring Days

 
 

John Snow was at a bar drinking.  A beautiful girl enters the bar and her eyes meet his.  She likes him, so she goes up to him and introduces herself.

“Hello, handsome.  My name is Jennie Spring.  What’s yours?”

John laughs and continues with his drink.

Jennie looks confused.  She asks John “Why is this funny?”

John responds “Nothing. I just imagined how rare it would be to have seven inches of Snow in Spring.”

Kim Junhwi – I’ll Never Stop Dreaming

 
 
Last night I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!
 

Universe Mongae – Man, I Don’t Need Your Lighter

 
 
One day, Little Psy saw Psy smoking cigarettes.  Little Psy asked, “Psy, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?”
 
Psy replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” 
 
“No”, said Little Psy. 
 
Psy replied, “Then you’re not old enough.”
 
The next day, Little Psy saw Psy drinking beer. He asked, “Psy, can I drink some of your beer?”
 
Psy replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” 
 
“No”, said Little Psy. 
 
Psy replied, “Then you’re not old enough.”
 
The next day, Little Psy was eating cookies. Psy asked, “Can I have some of your cookies?”
 
Little Psy replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?”
 
Psy replied, “It most certainly can!”
 
Little Psy replied, “Then go fuck yourself”.
 

Conut – Dreaming Cat

 
 
Three rats are at a bar telling stories on how tough they are.
 
The first rat takes a shot and says, “Whenever I find rat poison, I like to crush it up and snort lines of it just to get a good buzz for the day.”

The second rat takes a shot and says, “That’s nothing! Whenever I find cheese on a mousetrap, I purposely trip the spring, and right before I get crushed I bench press the bar 20 or 30 times and then take the cheese.”

The third rat hearing this takes his shot, gets up, and proceeds to walk out the door.  The other two rats are dumbfounded and  shout out to him, Where are you going?”

The third rat replies, “I have to get home to fuck the cat!”
 

Jay B feat. Junny – Fame

 
 
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.  The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”

“Ummmm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine.”
 

Ash Island – Play

 
 
One day, a ridiculously bored King in a small town decided to have a contest and the winner would choose, either to marry his daughter, gold and riches… or, name anything that he desires.  Whomsoever jumps down the moat filled with crocodiles, swims to the sides and climbs back up unharmed shall win the contest and name his price.

The crowd gathered near the edge of the moat where the king shouted:

“Is anyone brave enough to entertain me?”. And noone dared to respond.

The king, visibly bored and pissed, shouted “If noone dares to jump, I will pick out from the crowd”

The people gasped. No one even dared to attempt this futile task. Fear dawned at them.

Then suddenly to everyone’s surprise, a splash.

And then emerging from the waters, a man visibly swimming for his life as he avoided a fierce monster on his tail. He makes the side of the moat and climbs up frantically before he was caught. He makes it up. The crowd cheers and The king, very pleased, shouts:

“Name your price! Brave soul. Do you wish to marry my daughter and be prince?”

“No!”

“Do you wish for riches and fame?”

“Oh, hell No!”

“Then what do you desire? Speak!”

“I wanna find that motherfucker who fuckin’ pushed me!”
 

EXN feat. punchnello – Thug

 
 
When Stephen King’s twin sons were born, he had a hard time coming up with names for them. Finally, after several hours of thinking, he managed to pull a couple out of the air.

“I’ll name the first son Joseph, after my great-grandfather.” 
 
“Fine, and what about the other one?” his wife asked.

“I was thinking, what about Sirius, like the star?”

So from then on, they became known as the King twins – Sirius and Joseph King.  At school, however, kids would sometimes make fun of them because their father was so famous.  That caused them to despise fame, as well as their father, who brought it upon them.  When Joseph was in high school, he adopted the nickname ‘Joe’, so as to distance himself from his father’s legacy even more.

The two boys were never particularly close, and over time they grew apart and ended up following different career paths. While Joe ended up the CEO of a successful company, Sirius decided to quit school and live on the streets with some of his friends.

One day, Sirius was invited to a party by his friend.

“Hey, man, I don’t know about this party,” he said to his friend. “Are you sure they’ll let me in? You know I only own the clothes I’ve got on my back.”

“Come on, it’ll be fine. They’re nice people,” The friend reassures him. “They might even let you stay the night.”

Upon hearing this, Sirius decides that it might be worth a try.

He arrived at the doorstep with his friend, wearing his disheveled street clothes, and rang the doorbell.  The hostess answered the door and nearly had a heart attack when she saw Sirius.

“Is this man following you? Do you need help?” She asked.

“Relax. He’s a friend of mine, he doesn’t mean any harm.”

The woman reluctantly let him in.

Soon, Sirius was having the most fun he’d ever had in his life.  After several drinks, he was on the floor playing a party game with some of the other guests.  When his turn rolled around, the man next to him asked, “Truth or dare?”

Sirius thought for a moment, then said, “Truth.”

“Alright,” The man said. “What’s something you’d rather people don’t know about you?”

Sirius sighed, took a swig from his cup and said, “Well, I know you probably won’t believe me, but I’m Stephen King’s son.”

Everyone in the circle gasps. The man shouts, “Are you joking?”

Sirius looks him in the eye and says, “Nah, I’m not Joe King. I’m Sirius.”
 

Ron – Einstein

 
 
Joe walks along a road and comes across a man standing next to a ladder that stretches up into the clouds. He walks up to the man and asks what’s going on.

“Oh, this?  This is the ladder to success,” the man replies.

“Interesting,” Joe mumbles. “I was just fired from my job and caught my wife cheating on me, so what do I have to lose?”

Joe begins to climb and gets just above the lowest tier of clouds. Sitting seductively on the clouds he sees a fairly unattractive girl.

“You can keep climbing the ladder to success or you can stay here and spend the rest of eternity with me doing whatever you want,” she says.

Joe thinks about it for a short time but decides that he wants to see what is at the top and continues his climb.

Above the next set of clouds he comes across a very cute girl who is wearing only bra and short jean shorts and is in the same seductive pose as the previous girl.

“You can keep climbing the ladder to success or you can stay here and spend the rest of eternity with me doing whatever you want,” she says.

Joe ponders this for a moment.  This girl is definitely out of his league and it sounds like this would be a great time.  But the ladder is calling to him and Joe decides to continue his climb.

Above the next set of clouds Joe comes across the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.  She is wearing nothing but a skimpy bikini that leaves very little to the imagination.

“You can keep climbing the ladder to success or you can stay here and spend the rest of eternity with me doing whatever you want,” she says, adding in a wink for good measure.

Joe is drawn to her and starts to step off the ladder, but something catches his eye.  He looks up and sees a hatch at the top of the ladder.  Greedily, Joe thinks that if he climbs the ladder to success then he’ll have fame and glory and can have any girl that he wants.  So he gets back on the ladder and climbs until he pushes through the hatch.

He is suddenly in a small cabin and looks around. All he sees is a massive, hairy beast of a man with a wry smile on his face.

“Welcome to my cabin,” he bellows. “I’m Cess.”
 

Vilar Affair – Align

 
 
There was boy named Billy and he wasn’t very smart.  He lived with his mother in a small town. Nobody liked him because he was really stupid, least of all his school teacher who was always annoyed with him.

One day Billy’s mother came to the school to learn how her son was doing. The teacher plainly told the mother that her son was a complete failure, he received the lowest grades and honestly she had never seen anyone half so stupid in her entire teaching career.

Billy’s mother was so enraged and embarrassed that she took her son and moved to another state.

25 years later the teacher was diagnosed with a very serious illness.  The doctors told her that a heart surgery was necessary, and a very complex operation was required, an operation so difficult that only one doctor in the country was qualified enough to perform it.  The teacher weighed her options and decided that she had no choice other than to do the surgery.  Before being administered a general anaesthetic, the teacher was told that the famed surgeon was already boarding the plane and would soon be here.

When she opened her eyes after the successful surgery, she saw a handsome young doctor who smiled at her.  She wanted to thank him, raised her hand, but suddenly everything went numb, she found that she couldn’t produce a sound and her face went blue.  She died instantly.  The doctor was shocked and while trying to discover what had gone wrong he turned around and saw Billy the hospital janitor who unplugged the oxygen supply equipment to plug in the vacuum cleaner.

Come on, did you really think that Billy would become a surgeon?
 

ParkMoonchi with Ruru, Rara – Move!

 
 
A policeman was interrogating three guys who were training to become detectives.  To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for five seconds and then hides it.  “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” 
 
The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?  Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile!  Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

“Well, that’s an interesting answer.  Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

“Wow! I can’t believe it.  It’s TRUE!  The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses.  Good work!  How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy…” the third guy replied.  “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
 

LU4US – My Love

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike.
 
His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d you get it?”
 
“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said “take whatever you want!”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “smart. Her clothes would have never fit you.”
 

Woody – I Hope You Like It

 
 
Actually I don’t – cunt.
 

RANDOM BONUS VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

Solar hangs out with her dog, or something

Just thought I’d do some dog videos this week.

Hank’s Journey – Rose’s adopted dog

How about Hank in your area.  This dog has over a million Instagram followers so chances are you already know about Hank but this video gives you the backstory.

Velvet introduces her new family member, Latte

I’m not sure why she named it after a drink, but I calmly accept.  mrds


That’s all for this week!  More roundup next week – and don’t forget that the Kpopalypse 2021 survey of caonima action is still live, you have one more week to participate, so get on it by CLICKING HERE!  Kpopalypse will return!

4 thoughts on “Kpopalypse roundup – new k-pop releases 4/10/2021

  1. ‘Nostalgia is junk food for the brain.’ Some food for thought. Something to reflect on.

    Number 1001 was the best one, made my day. Thanks!

  2. Thanks to this roundup I discovered Stephen King really has a son named Joseph King who goes by the nickname of Joe. Pity he doesn’t have any twin brother named Sirius, only a elder sister and a little brother named Owen

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