It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!
ITZY – Loco
Itzy are the latest group to try and be “in your area” but nobody has the riffs like Teddy. A semi-acceptable chorus just isn’t enough.
Lisa – Money
Mind you, sometimes even Teddy doesn’t have the riffs. There’s no riffs here. Here, there’s no riffs, alright? Riffs – no.
AB6IX – Cherry
Super bland disco funk, BTS didn’t start this particular trend but they sure are helping it keep going.
Park Woojin – Consolation
Your consolation is that even though the song is shit, you get a funny roundup quip out of it.
Stray Kids – Secret Secret
Warning sign: people sitting down in a line. Yeah, I know we had that good NCT song last week, that’s the exception that proves the rule.
Amber Liu – Paradise
Paradise is a world where Amber discovers some other style of music that isn’t R&B.
Wonho – 24/7
It’s not that good, and Wonho doesn’t even get his shirt off, so there’s not much point to this really. I guess the shirt does lift up a little couple of times so if you’re into really slow tease this might do it for you, perhaps.
Key – Bad Love
Okay it’s a shameless “Blinding Lights” clone, but it’s also a really good song in its own right. I’m fine with it – I don’t come to k-pop asking for innovation.
Beautybox – Rat a tat
Not too bad but there’s just a bit too much vocals going on. Every space in the mix is crammed with some needless melody for no reason.
Norazo – Buy Now Think Later
The only great thing about Norazo is the songs are usually fast. Everything else here has me a little lost.
Jo Yuri feat. Lee Seok Hoon – Autumn Memories
Some chick from IZ*ONE who isn’t the one you care about, duets with some guy you also don’t care about, to do a ballad you won’t care about either.
Do Hanse – Take Over
I appreciate the weirdness, and how it’s riff-based but not super-dreary.
Woosung – Dimples
80’s style isn’t always a sure winner in these roundups. The keys and bass sound sweet but the melody note-choice is just strange and offputting, almost like they wrote it in the wrong key.
Pixy – Still With Me
“For the fans” songs don’t really get any better or worse regardless of who does them.
Kang Sunghoon – Can’t Stay Apart
I just can’t stop thinking about how the skin between his nose and his upper lip doesn’t move AT ALL.
Boramiyu, Aster, Neo – On & On
Don’t move her fingers for her on the guitar you creepy fuck, let her do it herself, she’s not an artist drawing doll you know.
Hanbee – Buttercup
Okay, I want to know exactly where in Korea there is a big ladybug statue located, and why it hasn’t turned up in anyone else’s video yet.
Motip – Want Love
If you want love, try updating your TV, nobody wants to “netflix and chill” with a 6-inch wide CRT these days. (mrcs tho)
Noa – Don’t Waste My Time
If you stop wasting my time, I’ll stop wasting yours.
Woori – Whatever
Born Wild – Uncle
There are horses in this video, they don’t look very wild though, given that they’re on a farm with a fence around them. I’m pretty sure this “Born Wild” guy doesn’t know what “wild” actually means.
Kim Sawol – Lonely
Is she ever going to do another good song? I don’t know, but this isn’t it.
Bama – Still, to you
Super weird shit where some guy mumbles and smokes his cigarette for the first half and then everything becomes all jazzy and fishy out of nowhere. Wait for it.
Jinyoung Namgung – Slowly loving you
I want a song called “quickly loving you” where they go from sharing a water fountain to cumming in each other’s buttholes in the time it takes for the song to run.
Joosiq – Think About You
Look at that girl. You can bet he paid good money to have her in this video. She’s the only one making money here.
Hayan – Hwi Hwi
A somewhat better song than the presentation of it suggests.
It’s – Problem
Yes, it’s a problem.
Park Seongyeon – Call
You’re supposed to download the app and pay for the scooter ride, not push it along like a dumb bitch. I guess she’s trying to be cute or something, but most guys worth the effort actually prefer someone with a bit of brains.
Jay B feat. Wheein – AM PM
Jay B just consulted his moodboard and today’s mood is “bored”.
Panthepack – Pull Up
Jackson’s new “rap crew” or whatever look like they’re just some rent-a-buddies so he didn’t feel alone at the fun fair. Why not I suppose, just don’t release a shit song as well next time.
Sikboy feat. Skull – Dreads
While Sikboy is rapping the girl next to him is texting to her friends “they told me I could be a model but you wouldn’t believe what fucking bullshit video I’m in”. I’m tipping this as Asian Junkie’s #1 song of the year just on concept alone.
Somdef feat. GSoul – It Was
It was, until it wasn’t.
Woo Yerin – Flame
The only two films that I can remember with a bed like this with the hanging veil things are Tromeo & Juliet, and The Room. Both are a lot more fun than this.
Wooks – I’ll Be There
I like how the video is coloured like you’re about to pass out from a combination of boredom from the crap music, and the drugs he’s slipped you.
Suji x Yuna – Ariel
People who make “phone window” music videos should probably be killed, because it’s not like they’re doing anything useful with their lives.
Sumin – Trace
I’m not sure if this is “interactive live”, I tried yelling at the screen “sing something better you boring bitch” and she didn’t react at all. Maybe it does work though, and she was ignoring me on purpose.
DK – On That Night
Wow The Dead Kennedys are nothing like how I remember them.
FAP TO IDOLS IN HANBOK SECTION
Ateez – Eternal Sunshine
Apparently it’s been a slow week for comebacks because of Chuseok, but I don’t understand why that slows things down. Any fan of any k-pop group loves it when they do a hanbok concept. There are definitely people fapping to this.
DKB – Go Up
I mean, who gives a fuck about these guys, really? Probably everyone, now that they’re in hanbok doing hip-hop dances. Culturally appropriate that, you culturally appropriating cultural appropriationist, you.
COVID LIVE SHOW SIMULATION TIME
Duoxini – The Game of Death
First up are these great thrashers and it mystifies me why metal isn’t a major Korean export, given how much frustration is in Korean society I thought all live shows would be a sea of moshpits but everyone wants to listen to limp fairy music instead for some reason.
Bluepaprika – Slow
This band are way more boring. Bring the opening act back!
Rock n Roll Radio – Without a Word
Boo, get off the stage. Where’s something I can throw at this group.
Oh Chill – Should Be Better
Okay, I don’t mind this one. They can stay without getting egged. Drummer is really going for it, that’s a plus.
Animal Divers – Liveaboard
This is the most Australian thing I’ve ever seen that isn’t Australian. I can’t believe that the guy is playing a didgeridoo and a Weber outdoor BBQ, thereby combining important cultural artifacts of black and white Australia together in the one song. This is the way to resolve all our racial tensions, everyone.
The Solutions – Black Night
Wow, Deep Purple don’t sound like I remember either.
Walking After U – Arirang
At least the jumping around is fun to watch.
HarryBigButton – Angry Face
Wow it’s like Kyuss went Korean. Pretty cool actually.
RANDOM BONUS VIDEO OF THE WEEK
Rockit Girl save roundup yet again with another military song or whatever
I don’t know the name of this song but it doesn’t matter, I’m just cheering for Leeseul. Go go Leeseul, kill the unspecified bad guys while wearing tight clothing and showing cleavage as the other members of your group take up precisely 0% camera time! Holy shit this song moshes especially once it really gets going in the second half, and this group sure do know what side their bread is buttered on, in these days when so many groups completely misread their own appeal, you have to respect that. Also this is a pretty nice Dean V too, as good as Miyako’s in the latest Kpopalypse survey, but it’s not the one I want, I don’t play in a metal band and I don’t want something that looks like it’s only really suitable for metal. I mean you can play other styles on a guitar that looks like a “here be metal” instrument no problem, because looks are just looks, but it’s a bit like going to the beach in summer wearing one of those puffy overpriced Northface jackets, you’re going to look like a fucking tool. Also the thing Leeseul is holding is a Dime model, and I’m kinda meh about owning anything that’s related to Pantera in any way because I don’t really like that band. I mean I don’t hate them either – they had a couple acceptable songs I guess, but they’re mostly just average plus their incredibly one-eyed fandom really puts me off them, I guess that makes them sort of like the BTS of metal when I think about it. Also I never got into Dimebag’s super tinny transistorised guitar sound either, although I always thought it was funny watching people buy really big valve amps to try and recreate it when he fairly obviously recorded the entire of “Vulgar Display Of Power” on a tiny transistor practice amp. Sorry I know only 2% of my readers even give a shit about any of this, but the other 98% of you probably aren’t even reading because you’re just replaying either this or the Wonho video from earlier.
That’s all for this week – more roundup next week! And if you’re wondering what I’m talking about with the V guitars, or are just bored in general, DO THE LATEST KPOPALYPSE SURVEY and all will be revealed! Stay safe, caonimas!