It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!
NCT 127 – Sticker
Minimialist and weird but cool and surprising, and harmonically actually fitting together properly (for once) it’s the natural evolution of the sound from “Cherry Bomb“. Don’t worry if it doesn’t gel with you right this minute, it will in a few months once Loona learn how to dance to it.
NCT 127 – Promise You
This song is good too. Don’t be fooled by the “dressed in white standing around” presentation which just screams “boring ballad”, this song is anything but, and really could have used a dance routine.
NCT 127 – Lemonade
Their other song is total bullshit though. Oh well, I’ll settle for 2 out 3.
Mamamoo – Mumumumuch
Wheein in the night scenes has her best look ever, and in fact they all look great in the night scenes. My readers were right, mumumumuch semen will be spilled.
Wonho – Blue
And on the male side of fap, Wonho in subtle mode is still more eye candy than most other idols at their most extreme. You’re not even reading this, are you. I could write anything here.
Ateez – Deja Vu
Warning sign: entire group in leather pants.
Chuu & Kim Yohan with Eric Bellinger – World is One 2021
Chuu clearly isn’t finished saving the world with her TV series, she’s now going to do it all again. However the low quality of this song makes me suspect that actually she’s trying to destroy the world.
Aespa – Next Level (Habstrakt Remix)
Dance remixes are so lazy. Get a song, change the beat, loop bits… it’s like saying the Mona Lisa is a new painting if you cut a corner off and put it on its side.
Yukika – Loving You
Yukika finally gets it right after about 57 cracks at this type of thing.
Lee Hi feat. Wonstein – H.S.K.T
Why does Lee Hi look suspiciously like Boram now. Is this a conspiracy to replace my mother in k-pop now that Boram is no longer a k-pop.
Lee Suhyun, Onew, Yoon Jongshin, Kim Goeun, Lee Jiah, Lee Dongwook – Sea of Hope
Boring crap that isn’t even worth watching because of Suhyun. Sad times.
Eunji, Yoseob – Love Day
Look at Ms. Pacman laugh her ass off when Yoseob pops up into view, inadvertently proving that the whole song is mimed, because you would definitely be able to hear her snorting away in the background choking on her power pellets if that microphone was on.
Yang Yoseop – Brain
Yeah it’s pretty bland. Just that R&B shit you’ve heard everywhere.
NC.A – Melody of You
Ariaz – I Like U
I guess this was that song that Ariaz were planning on that whiteboard or whatever. It’s actually not bad, but I guess they weren’t able to pay the premium rate to be allowed to rent the stage, so they had to set up just in front of it. Let’s support Ariaz so they can afford proper venue hire in the future.
Cravity – Divin’
Divin’ toward the bottom of the barrel, it seems.
Jamie feat. Jmin – No Numbers
I’m not sure what’s sadder – that JYP never “gave her a song” or that since she left his agency, nobody else has been able to either.
Pritti-G – Buckle Up
Manito – Toritoridotori
All of those people asking if Annie is a real person, looks like she’s actually a member of this group. Everything is starting to make sense.
T1419 – Get the Bomb
“Thank you for 20 million view”, what are they actually talking about? This thing didn’t even have 20k views when I looked at it, so I can only guess that they’re hopefully thanking everybody in advance, like if I were to thank Asian Junkie for my blogging salary from all those years I wrote for him.
Boy Story – Be Urself
I guess someone is going to complain about cultural fucking whatever, even though no person has ever dressed or done their hair in this wacky way in human history.
Young K – Come As You Are
Kurt Cobain didn’t shoot himself just so you could sing this crap song that has nothing to do with him really.
Young K (Day6) feat. Dvmn – Microphone
Some of you have been noticing that I sometimes don’t have much to say about songs and that roundup is getting kind of boring. Hey, so you think you’re bored, how do you think I feel listening to this trash every week.
Kim Woojin – My growing pains
Pointless retro technology for no reason is annoying, but it’s not as annoying as bad music.
Stay.d – Lego
The fucking lame CGI avatars have gotten into the nugu independents now. We are doomed as a species. Let’s just pull the pin, corona come take us all thanks.
Jusini – Not Good
Accurate song title of the week.
Yujin – Light Up The Way
Someone decided to get this lame cute crap and give it ultra-punchy mid 1980s metal bass and drum equalisation that just doesn’t fit, although I admit it was amusing waiting to for the song to break into “Peace Sells” at any moment. What do you mean my reviews aren’t kind? Just not your kind.
015B feat. Yeona – No Stars In Your Universe
It’s a nice try, but this week is full of slow dreariness. If it came on in the middle a concert that was all thrash songs or something I’d like the change of pace, but when compiling roundup this type of song can get fucked.
HEESU, bAd entity – Honey Eyes
I can’t stop staring at this girl’s outfit. I’m not sure I like it or not, but I’m fascinated by it anyway and it definitely overshadows the strange-as-fuck but kind of mushy and incoherent song.
W24 – Fine
No bass player – cancelled.
Cotoba – Rescapè
I’m not sure if I like it, but I appreciate how it doesn’t really sound like most bullshit.
Shin Minjung – If You Like This Song
Let me stop you right there because I really don’t, so no need to finish your sentence.
Off the menu – Lovers in Seoul
Nearly good, but just a bit bland.
Cosmos Superstar – Extra
I really wanted to like this one, but I couldn’t. Maybe it was the framerate. I didn’t spend all that money on a nice new computer monitor just to watch artsy wank shot at 2 FPS.
No Fish No Cry feat. SPD – Bit Wrestler
Skull’s sound combined with Korea’s crap sense of humour is not a good combination.
Goopy – Teenage
This guy is appropriating my shit hairstyle when I was 14 years old and trying to grow my hair out. I want reparations in the form of better music next time, thanks.
Bearfoot in the garden – 17
Not bad but some louder guitar and a little bit less of the “wooa—oooahhhh-oohhh-ohhhh” right at the front of the mix would have really helped.
Seori feat. eaJ – Dive with you
The song is alright but it’s also some of the most timid yet overhyped “LGBTQ representation” I’ve ever seen, they’re barely even holding hands. There’s more gay faps to be had at any Super Junior concert.
Chamsom – Elio
I really like the mantra-like rhythm that’s happening, I wish they’d sort of went with that a little more and brought in a full band to punch it through the roof instead of staying in pussy ballad land. It’s still a pretty good song anyway, so imagine how much better it could have been.
Yumdda feat. Paloalto, Jessi, Uneducated Kid, The Quiett – 9ucci Remix
Pretty crap really, but I like how Swervy is in the video just for the Kpopalypse good luck factor. They tried it.
Keith Ape – Live Long & Soul Lives
Keith Ape is so fucking terrible these days that his music reaches right into the turd spectrum and circles back around to the point where it almost becomes good again.
Luci Gang – Death Day Party
Kind of cool even though it’s cheap as shit.
IAMMONEY VS BUSYNESS BOY – So Fxxxking Sticky
Kind of not cool even though it’s cheap as shit.
Yooryeong, DJ Tiz feat. Maansoo, AHWU, Vimoka, Philsung Gang – The Entrance Backhall Remix
Even though the beat is kinda there (if a little limp), you can blame Hilltop Hoods for me hating this, I’m just so over “some girl sings a pitch-shifted chorus to a hip-hop track”.
Baek A – Spaceship
I removed tons of roundup submissions this week because there’s so many shit songs now that people are having trouble loading this weekly post on their devices. So let’s finish up the main part of roundup with this actually quite decent ballad, with a nice drama video which should serve as a cautionary tale for those interested in sci-fi LARPing.
STRAY KIDS WITH THE SUBUNITS FOR NO REASON SECTION
Bang Chan & Hyunjin – Red Lights
We all know that the real reason why subunits exist at all in k-pop is so the people not in the subunit have time for their plastic surgery scars to heal, so I’m not sure what Stray Kids is doing releasing subunits for everyone at once. However the song is okay I guess even if it comes across as a less dynamic version of Led Zeppelin’s “Babe I’m Gonna Leave You“.
Lee Know, Changbin, Felix – Surfin’
“I’ve got 99 problems but the sea ain’t one”? Ice-T is shedding a tear for hip-hop, R.I.P, long may it be remembered.
HAN, Seungmin, I.N – Gone Away
Stray Kids’ songs are generally a bit better than average, so when they pull out some real garbage, it’s usually also slightly better than everyone else’s garbage. Congrats to them for being really good at making shit music I guess.
THERE ARE ACTUALLY PEOPLE ALIVE WHO THINK THEY’LL SCORE A BREAKOUT HIT WITH A TROPICAL HOUSE SONG IN 2021 SECTION
UNC feat. E:Dan – WinSome
Yes, somewhere out there, a few people are still doing the tropical sound. Pity them.
Diawings – More and More
What’s sadder, still working the dead tropical trend into the ground, or changing one random letter in a mundane English word to create your group name.
HARD AUTOTUNE AND ROCK MUSIC, JUST NO
Han Yohan feat. Changmo – This Is Me
Hard autotune and rock music together, just no.
Bigone – Every Night
You sound like you’re about to shit a computer, stop that.
Glen Check – Dive Baby, Dive
What a waste of a potentially quite decent song by dragging the shitty robot voice all over it. In some contexts it can work, but not this one. If you’re going to go electronic, go all-in, enough of this “we have Autotune but we play crusty Fenders too” bullshit, fuck off with that.
BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
Leezy – “JJAPAGURI” Parasite OST piano cover
Did you know that Leezy’s YouTube channel does not contain any advertising? Well now you do! Only the wokest of all k-pop content creators go completely without ads, so let’s support Leezy and make her post-Gangkiz career as successful as possible!
Kpopalypse’s cat reacts to NCT 127 – Sticker
Apparently cats reacting to NCT 127’s “Sticker” is a viral thing, so I thought I’d better do my part so I can get those precious YouTube clicks and hopefully boost my subscriber count above the 1000 level so YouTube considers paying me 0.0004% of a dollar per click on the three of my channel’s dumb videos that haven’t been copyright-claimed. Anyway enjoy the licking action.
That’s all for this week! More Kpopalypse roundup next week!