It’s time to update the Kpopalypse bias list for 2021! Let’s take a look at who Kpopalypse is biasing this year!
Regular Kpopalypse readers have all probably either participated in or at the very least read the results of the objectification surveys – but I do not participate in those myself other than to count your votes and write about them, so they are not reflective of the opinion of Kpopalypse, but the reader base (and wherever the reader base deems to spread the voting questions). However, the Kpopalypse bias list is 100% all about my opinion and nothing else. Note that this is a list of pure “meeting required standards” only, and therefore is roughly analogous to the “most attractive” segment of the objectification survey, although sometimes aspects other than raw physical appearance do play a factor, because attractiveness isn’t just about appearance, after all.
Know that the Kpopalypse bias list is always in a state of flux and receives consistent updates, as new people become a k-pop and are thus eligible, while others stop being a k-pop and are therefore no longer eligible. Furthermore, k-poppers may come to the attention of myself through various activities, and others who have been less active may begin to be prioritised lower as they cease to provide “material”. Let’s take a look at 2021’s Kpopalypse bias list!
THE KPOPALYPSE 2021 BIAS LIST
#1 – SUHYUN – AKMU
There was no way that AKMU’s Suhyun was going to lose her position in 2021, as she simply checked all the required boxes.
- Tons of new content – CHECK
- Is a year older than before – CHECK
- Still as cute as a freshly minted hot crap – CHECK
- Still hasn’t visited the Gangnam fairy – CHECK
Okay, so she also still refuses to dress herself properly most of the time, opting for formless granny dresses and weird baby-doll clothes at every possible opportunity, but she did do this goth Harry Potter cosplay thing so that kind of makes up for everything else. Word on the street is that she also has crazy high self-esteem too, as she rightly should, which is great because it means that being #1 on this list won’t bother her at all, she’ll just say “damn right I’m #1” and get on about her day. Looking forward to the next AKMU album where she decides on the creative direction instead of her brother, maybe we won’t get 1 good song per 6 boring ballads next time.
#2 – UMJI – GFRIEND
I’ve always excluded Umji from these sort of lists just because I thought it wasn’t very fair – I mean, who can even compete with her, really? But people thought I was then taking the piss every time I said she was totally biasable, because I didn’t have any “references” or whatever, so in she now goes so you people learn. Umji is not only very attractive but she is clever as shit, and in an industry where everybody is as thick as two planks (and deliberately kept that way) a bit of intelligence goes a long way. Let’s be honest, there’s times in your life when you’re definitely going to want someone around who knows exactly how much 25 grams is.
Not only that, but do you remember the lightning speed at which she deleted all her BigHit related social networking content after Gfriend didn’t renew their contract? She’s paid her dues and is smart enough to be over the bullshit, no doubt she knew the pond was rotten long before anybody else.
#3 – THAT GIRL IN THREEJOB
Who the fuck even is the incredibly crazily attractive fun-loving girl who comprises 33.33333% recurring of ThreeJob? This mystery woman captured the hearts of Kpopalypse readers worldwide when she appeared in Kpopalypse Nugu Alert the other day, sending her group’s video viewcount soaring into the triple digits, and it’s little wonder.
Now if only we knew anything else about her at all. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some Josh-like stalker after her area code or anything, plus I’m still happily in the same relationship that I’ve had from before I even first started writing, I just want the required information to be able to stan appropriately. A first name would do, and maybe her favourite colour or a link to an Instagram of her cat would be plenty.
#4 – YUA MIKAMI – HONEY POPCORN
I still haven’t had confirmation of Honey Popcorn’s disbandment (one ex-member did say the group had finished but quickly retracted the statement the next day) so that means that Korean drama actress Yua Mikami is still a k-pop, and she can still go in this list. Even if recent photos of her do look a bit uncanny-valley with those weird huge eyes and everything.
She also reconfirmed her love of the k-pops recently by doing more k-pop dance covers, such as the above where she out-mrs’ed all the Brave Girls members with little effort. It’s just as well that she is still a k-pop for now because I need her wide variety of content for my end of year list images.
#5 – EUNJUNG – T-ARA
It’s 2021 and T-ara are not only still together (even if it’s in a roundabout “we haven’t spoken for a while but I’ve still got your number in my address book” kind of way) but Eunjung is still leading the charge as k-pop’s original and most attractive designated “kind of tomboy but not really” member. That’s pretty good going for the group that certain publications who shall not be named predicted would disband in 2013.
Not only that but Eunjung has only gotten more attractive with age. It’s just a shame that her appearances in front of cameras these days are about as rare as [insert something that is definitely more rare than it should be here], someone give her a TV show or something.
#6 – UZA
I keep wanting to remove independent musician UZA from these lists because she probably gets 57 love calls per day from dickheads, which I don’t want to encourage (and we all know what Korean men are like) but then I keep remembering that she’s more attractive than your bias therefore she must keep going in this list. Hopefully all the idiots are scared off by her short hair anyway. I know that if I was a female living in Korea I’d definitely cut my hair short just because that would instantly remove a whole bunch of dickheads from even giving me the time of day.
Not only that but she has good music and maybe you should buy some of it, you can do so here if you wanted.
#7 – IU
IU is getting seriously more attractive each year. It must be all the chocolate she is eating. Keep going, IU! Also it really helps her that she gets to be in the same room as Suhyun a lot these days, some of the attractiveness energy is rubbing off. I wonder if her and army hero Chanhyuk have done anything together, they seem to have some vibes, maybe she visited him while he was sick in military hospital.
People get upset that each year I say that IU is probably a cumdump, but I’m into slut-appreciation, not slut-shaming, so this is a positive thing. Why shouldn’t she fuck all the guys? If she was a guy nobody would complain if he was fucking all the girls. And don’t give me that stupid “key/lock” analogy because I have a better “pencil sharpener” one.
#8 – EUNHA – EX-GFRIEND
Recently harmony was restored in the universe when ex-Gfriend’s Eunha restored her shoulder-length black hair, proving that she knew what we all have known all along – that this is the style that best works for her. No doubt her doing this right when her group disbanded was no coincidence as creepy Bang-Si-Fuck probably pushed that gross long blonde onto her.
I mean, she still looked good in the long blonde anyway, but not many people make long blonde hair work better than anything else.
#9 – MOKO SAKURA – HONEY POPCORN
Moko Sakura doesn’t really do anything lately except appear in drama videos, but they’re good drama videos so that’s enough effort for her to maintain a placing.
How can I say no to quality acting. She’s not even my type really but just the fact that she’s willing to go out on a limb to allow me to make the most accurate possible assessment deserves praise.
#10 – VIVI – LOONA
The above video was privated, and for good reason, the creator probably came to their senses. This just in: all “protect [insert idol here]” accounts are run by people with pedophilic tendencies. No exceptions. They want to take grown adult men and women, and put them into a little kiddy-box, just for them to creepily fetishise. When they say “don’t sexualise my favourite idol” what they really mean is “don’t YOU sexualise my favourite idol, they are all for ME, only I want to be the one to decide what other people can say or do regarding them, ME ME ME they are for ME ONLY, so I can treat them like MY BABY”. This is peak “get in the van, there’s free candy inside” behaviour and everyone with a “protect” account, or who has ever made a YouTube compilation video of a k-pop idol and used the word “baby” in the title somewhere when the idol is well into their 20s, should be on a sex offender registry.
It’s bad enough that Vivi only had about ten syllables in her entire singing career with Loona up until this time last year, and that she has to share a dorm with eleven insane crack addicts, she also has to deal with some of k-pop’s creepiest fans. If she’s plugged into fan discourse at all, she probably finds being on this list a refreshing change from being treated like the pacifier-sucking 2 year old everyone else wants her to be.
#11 – YVES – LOONA
Sometimes crack addicts are attractive though. Just don’t loan them your credit card.
#12 – QUEEN WA$ABII
I wasn’t that taken with Queen Wa$abii when I first encountered her, but I think that was only because her usual choice of makeup, wardrobe and styling plays havoc with my colour-blindness to the point where I can’t tell if she’s a woman or a video effect. Once she slowed down on the styling and turned up in some cruisy mid-tempo numbers I managed to figure out that she’s actually quite an attractive person rather than an error in my monitor’s v-sync.
#13 – JEONGYEON – TWICE
Ever since Jeongyeon has regained her physical and mental health somewhat, she’s gained some thiccness and as a result has been serving the best visuals in Twice by a mile. Even when whoever is deciding her wardrobe clearly has no fucking idea what to even do with her, which seems to be most of the time.
#14 – CHUU – LOONA
While I tend to like girls like Suhyun, those girls rarely give me much more than the politest of conversations. The girls who I like who also like me back enough to want to take things to the next level tend to be more like Chuu. Every girlfriend I’ve ever had, from the good ones to the bad ones to the just plain crazy ones, has channeled various forms of insane Chuu energy. Speaking of which, has Elon Musk given Chuu a car yet? Why not, Elon you cunt? Do it now, or stick a rocket up your ass and fly yourself to the moon, fuckhead.
#15 – PARK BOM
Sometimes I randomly think about Park Bom. Usually it’s when I’m watching some JAV which stars some girl who is about Bom’s age and has had about the same amount of face and body modifications that Bom has had. I’m all for face and body mods – why not, it’s yours, do with it what you want, nobody can tell you shit. If I ever did a sequel to that “k-pop girls who look like pornstars” post I think I would just line up all the girls who look a bit like Bom, say they look like Bom, and call it a day, that’s why I haven’t done that post.
#16 – DAHYUN – TWICE
If anyone else did this video I would call it out as cheesy bullshit, but because it’s Dahyun it works. I actually believe that she is unhinged enough to actually believe in “the spirit of Christmas” or some bullshit. Look at how serious she is while playing, this is as close as k-pop content gets to electrical engineering.
#17 – YOOA – OH MY GIRL
Yooa always has the wrong look. They got it right in the very early days, and never really hit it again after that, and it’s not because she’s actually changed all that much physically. If Yooa and Yurisa did a concept-swap that would probably be the best decision Yooa ever made (not sure if it would help Yurisa though).
#18 – JENNIE – BLACKPINK
So I actually dated Jennie for a while. Okay it wasn’t her really, but she had the same facial structure, nose, eyebrows and mouth all basically completely identical, a lot of the same mannerisms and even spoke English with a similar accent. I won’t go into the details of what we got up to during our brief relationship, as she’s a nice person who may not want the tea spilled (no doubt she was exceptionally tolerant to date my problematic ass at all), but whenever I see all these fans who are like “protect our angel Jennie” I just think to myself “I know the type and you’re probably too late, sis”.
#19 – GAHYEON – DREAMCATCHER
I’m just putting her here to see how many people complain. Let’s all sing: “Shakey love, shakey shakey shakey shakey, LOVE…”
#20 – RAINA – AFTER SCHOOL/ORANGE CARAMEL
It’s a bit sad when I type “Raina” into YouTube and I get no Raina from After School results. So I narrow it to “Raina Korea” and I get Rania. She’s totally cute here doing her old dances, the best she’s looked in years actually. Still at #20 though because valuable lessons need to be learned.
That’s all for this list – Kpopalypse will revisit the bias list in another 12 months!