It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out some new releases!

Dreamcatcher – BEcause

A pleasing combination of the pacing of Dreamcatcher’s previous drum and bass dabblings, but with the heaviness and melodic smarts of their usual sound.  Dreamcatcher may never realise their true potential as k-pop’s metal warriors but they get a lot closer here than usual, and even when they miss they’re still consistently a lot better than everyone else.

Solar, Moonbyul – Promise U

Some cover of an old dark-ages song of little worth which isn’t significantly changed here.  We still love Mamamoo though.  Moonbyul’s white suit mrs.

AKMU, Crush – Stupid Love Song

Accurate song title of the week.

AKMU, Beenzino – Tictoc Tictoc Tictoc

Another apt title as you’ll be watching the clock during this one, it can’t end soon enough

AKMU & Zion.T – Bench

Put this one on the bench too.  Why do AKMU have to get every other loser up in their songs adding their worthless two cents.

Bewhy – Celebration

Really nice groove here with cool drums and bass, and not a damn thing worthwhile done with that good foundation.

Astro – After Midnight

Nothing that’s interesting in any way.  I can’t even make fun of it.

Golden Child – Ra Pam Pam

Why do you think Golden Child have been less successful than Infinite?  I mean, besides the obvious lack of songs.

Somi – Dumb Dumb

Bright and glitzy but still pretty bland and difficult to care about.  Yes I’m talking about the song.

Choa – Dreaming

It’s good to see Choa again because we all miss Crayon Pop but the melody is all over the place and wow does she look awkward as shit, like her clothes don’t fit her right.  Maybe she had to quickly change out of her other clothes because she found a stray bloodstain just before the video shoot.

Enhypen – Hey Tayo

About as close to “music as a weapon” as anything I can think of in recent memory.

Jackson Wang, Internet Money – Drive You Home

Someone told me that this is basically The Cars’ “Drive” and The Cars are one of those boomer groups that will copyright strike anything you do on YouTube so fuck The Cars and fuck this song too.

Jinyoung – Dive

Hey it’s not that bad.  Check out the keyboard player who gets pretty much zero face-camera time, carefully hiding behind her equipment.  She knows what k-pop fandoms are like and is doing her best to hide her identity.  If you know her name, don’t go spreading it and ruining it for her.

WEi – Ocean

That shade of blue is exactly like my girlfriend’s shade of blue hair when I met her, and it overshadows everything else about this entire package.  Do you know how hard it is to get hair looking exactly that deep colour of blue, instead of bright Gowon blue or boring granny-rinse style blue?

2PM – Hold You

Ew, keep away, don’t you know there’s a global pandemic on?

JO1 – Real

These are not the instructions I was looking for.

Loren – Need (ooo-eee)

Not sure what the “ooo-eee” thing means, maybe that’s the siren of the cops who are about to stop by and ask him some questions about Burning Sun.  Oh, who am I kidding, that won’t ever happen…

Woo Jinyoung – Early Evening

Sorry there’s already been one Jinyoung in this roundup, and his song is better than this so go away.

Bibi feat. Tiger JK – Why Y

Why Y indeed.

Tiger JK – Love Peace

I can’t wait for someone to get the reference and then start complaining about cultural fucking whatever.  But then Americans love guns more than life itself and are just so happy to see a gun in any context at all that perhaps they won’t mind this time.

Nlve – I’m Alive

This sounds too much like something else that I hate to ensure that I hate it also, even though it’s probably a slightly better version thereof.

Donna – Will You Miss Me?

Someone took the first two seconds of Eurythmics’ “Sweet Dreams” and decided to make a completely different song out of it.  The results are a lot better than they have any right to be given the source material.

Peakboy – Gyopo Hairstyle

It sounds like it’s going to be great, and then the vocals start and it’s all wrong.

2Z – Over the Rainbow (Campaign of Find Missing Child)

No I haven’t seen your kid, go away.  It’s not my fault you didn’t keep the creature on a leash.

Kim Hwajong – Genesis

Not very interesting to listen to, but he can sure play uninteresting music really well.

Hotchkiss – Eler Eler

Who needs to spend money on a box video, just do your crappy tropical dance in the parking lot of your apartment complex why not.

Cheonduek – Sun&Green

They really overdid the pitch correction in the verses.  It’s a pity, a bit less focus on the singing in general wouldn’t have hurt.

Kolavo – A house with a Han River view

Look at how these people get into it so much – they really rock out to this shit like AC/DC or something.  Very strange.

Kolavo feat. HerCheck from Supekidd – Flight Attendant

Here we go again.  It’s almost an early Gfriend song but there’s just too much cheese in it even for them.

Seoul Magic Club – Que Sera Sera

A very cool bit of guitar pop, with great writing and a neat string arrangement.  I’m not sure about the choice of video concept however, but I’m sure it’ll make the day of the 0.0015% of my readership who care about synchronised swimming.

Jannabi – I Know Where The Rainbow Has Fallen

Stop boring us and get your pot of gold and fuck off then.

Ari:L – What Time is it now?

Time not to listen to terrible blues-based music.  I think they call this crap “soul” or something but I don’t know why because it doesn’t have any.

Uju, Funk LeBlanc DS – Shining Star

Very boring.

Jsin feat. Shaun – I’ll Find You

Shaun is the master of the k-pop porn video.  Watch and learn.

Hae Eun – Punk!

It’s more Olivia Rodrigo-lite than Anti-Nowhere League but I guess I’ll take it.

The Night of Seokyo feat. Manta, Ino – Where U At

Weird that this sucky group got together with some other sucky Autotune rappers and all of a sudden they produced something that didn’t suck.  I guess they’re sucking in equal force but in opposite directions and the result kind of works because there’s vacuum stability like a hovercraft.

Cubanism – Laka Laka

I shouldn’t like this but I kind of do, I guess because it’s got slightly more reggae feel than tropical bullshit feel.

Professor Lee’s Band – Honey, I didn’t buy this, I swear

For once Korean humour in a song actually hits the mark.  It doesn’t happen very often so enjoy this one, nerds.

Swuin – KKOIN

Some cool sounds ruined by the usual pentatonic warble.  Just pay someone to write a melody if you can’t do it yourself.

Jo Hyeryun, Lee Dojin – Corona, Go Away!

Okay so this is stupid, but at least they’re wearing masks.  BTS in their similarly themed but far sappier Corona song didn’t put on a fucking mask once.  So much for “paving the way”, those idiot kids should have listened to grandma here.

Firemond – Wolves

Was sort of expecting something to go hard but I should know better than to expect a damn thing from a song or group title.

Suran feat. Wonstein – Blanket

No actual song here to speak of but you do get a cute video with some doggy action.

Noovv feat. Jmarlone – Come Over

Usually the miming in k-pop videos is spot-on but here they just don’t give a fuck.  These guys probably aren’t even the ones who recorded this.

Mrshll – Show Me What U Got

The “other first gay k-pop idol” keeps doing stuff but nobody notices because it’s not very good.

Heartcore – Spike Lee

I while ago I said videos with cameras on train tracks that circle around the group are good but these people just made that idea suck again.

M1nu feat. Ted Park – Dance

No beats.

Boni – 247

Someone thought shitty-pop would sound better if it was slower and the beat swung and guess what it doesn’t.

Jjino – Vino

Remember when rap beats used to have more than one drumbeat per second?  These guys probably don’t.

Seshin – Kill

When douchebags try to write a love song, this is what happens.

Rockit Girl ft. Dayul – The Sea (2021 version)

Has Dayul permanently replaced Della now or are they still easing her into the role with guest performances?  When’s the big band meeting going to happen?  Will Dispatch be there?  Will Johnny Noh be hiding in the bushes?  Why isn’t anyone covering the stories that matter?

THICC BACKING DANCERS THAT MRS SECTION

Nada – Spicy

This is about as good as that horrible “Latin” sound ever gets.  When is that extra thicc backup dancer debuting because I am ready to stan.

Kwon Jin Ah feat. Parkmoonchi – Knock

Here’s the “indie” version or whatever the fuck they call it, where they just sway around gently and pretend that you’re not actually looking at them when in fact we all are.  Or maybe it’s just me.

CherryB – OOTD

Number 33 you are upstaging the bland singer, management would like a word.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK

IU’s Palette, Close your eyes and NAKKA (With AKMU) Ep.9

Just in case you didn’t have enough eye candy this week here’s some attractive people doing a thing for 45 minutes.  Yes there are subs.  You’re welcome.

EXTRA BONUS FEMINIST FRIENDLY SOLAR CONTENT

Solar’s Big 3 (Bench Press, Deadlift, Squat) Weight Check!

We’ve had Wonho doing it and now it’s Solar’s turn to show us her workout routine.  Only included here to support women’s rights and definitely for no other reason probably.  This is what a feminist looks like.  Pretty sure.

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That’s all for roundup this week – more next week!