It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out some new releases!

BTS – Permission to Dance

I really don’t think this is any worse than their last couple of songs, but their blandness in general is really getting long in the tooth.  BTS have been treading water creatively for so long that even some of their cyberbullying, doxxing, fake-woke one-eyed fans are finally starting to notice.  Try to be nice to these ex-cult members as they gradually come around to normality, remember that they’re victims too.  I’ve got to admit that throwing in the deaf hand-sign for “dance” is some clever marketing though, I guess it figures that deaf people would be BTS’ target audience these days.

Taeyeon – Weekend

Taeyeon’s song this week isn’t really any better but at least they pulled out all the stops to make her look great, even if it’s a bit weird to watch just because her last 57 comebacks have all been “bitchface to 11” and now we’re expected to swallow “2009 SNSD era happy Tae” like all those fights with Jessica didn’t happen.

Loona – Dance On My Own

You’ll definitely be dancing on your own if you trot this mushy bullshit out at the high school prom.

Onewe – Aurora

How slow do rock bands want to actually go.  They proved last week that they can do better than this, so I expect some standards now.

Girlkind – Good Vibes Only

Probably the best song Girlkind have, which isn’t saying a lot given the nonsense that they’ve put out so far.  There’s nothing all that great happening here but it’s sort of upbeat and not too painful and sometimes that’s enough.

Yebin – Yes I Know

While she’s in the library she might want to enlighten herself by reading a few books about the music business.

Woo!ah! – Pandora

On the scale of k-pop songs called Pandora this song is definitely wanting.

Miss T ft. Mr Boomboxx – Left33Right33

I missed this last week and everyone got upset but I don’t know why because it’s just another “oh lol look at the fat person hee haw fat people are so funny lolz because they’re so fat lmao look at them being so zany and random, that’s the joke, geddit har har” trot song.  Come on Korea, lift your game.

Jeon Soyeon feat. Bibi, Lee Youngji – Is this bad b****** number?

Soyeon is getting better at writing tracks, if only she could also write songs.  The guests do their best with the limited material.

Reddy, Swerwy – Tag

See, here’s how to do a collab.  Starts off sounding reasonable enough, but then Swervy appears and the entire song just expands musically and becomes worth listening to.  Soyeon, take notes.

Hyolyn – To Find a Reason

Girl, you were in one of the biggest second generation girl groups ever, try to cheer up a bit, because you’re really depressing the rest of us over here.  The suicide rate in Korea is already through the roof, let’s not add to the problem.  It seems Madclown and Seungmin might be the first casualties since they’re not in the video or even credited in the YouTube title at all, someone do a welfare check on them.

Kim Bohyung – Reflection

I really like the choice of backings here, there’s a lot of really good things going on, but the song suffers from too much vocal.  Letting the instruments breathe a little could have made this song something really great, but as it stands it’s just too irritating to digest.

Minzy – Teamo

There’s nothing like seeing a recent Minzy comeback to make you miss 2NE1 days when she had curves, style and good songs, none of which are present here.  All those begging for Blackpink to leave YG, this is probably what they would turn into if they did.

Hot Issue – Dunga Dunga

Or they’d sound like this, which sounds more or less the same really.

2PM – The Cafe

Let’s just ban all coffee bean imports into Korea, or at least charge a massive tarrif and use that money to fund mental health for people recovering from ballad overexposure.

Pastel Girls – Guests Are Coming (EDM Remix)

So I’d never heard of this, and so I went down the rabbit hole and found this, which I assume is the original…

…but maybe it isn’t.  I don’t know.  I don’t even know what is happening here.  What are the creature things.  Why is there some weird triangle.  Why is one of the singers really pretty and is she the same pretty trot woman that I found in that other video the other week.  What is the meaning of existence.

Yeon Ji Ye – Following the Sun

Green screen terror masks a song that really isn’t all that bad and probably doesn’t deserve to be in this roundup being surrounded by other songs getting shat on.

Sinchontiger, Rani – Fill The Summer

Honestly I think nobody would hate the new BTS track if they actually knew how to write disco pop music as well as these two people you’ve never heard of.

Kim Woojin – Still Dream

The only thing worth watching this for is the fuzzy hair, which really does make me think about the purple haired guy in N.tic and how he outsold.

Mad Monster – Along Came Beautiful Nuna

Why is there a wet fart noise at the end of every four bars, I want to know who thought that was a good idea.

CaptainRock feat. Jungwoo – Like a Chaplin Movie

After watching this I’m wondering if Korean TV comedy humour isn’t just a completely misunderstood evolution of Chaplin, in the same way that Family Guy expanded on all the common-denominator aspects of The Simpsons that appealed mainly to braindead morons while leaving all the smart, nuanced humour behind.

Peppertones feat. Stella Jang – Film Love

You know you’re not exactly in for a rocking good time when the guest performer sits on the couch for most of the video, but to be honest it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting.

Moon Jong Up – Us

Roundup is taking a long time to write this week and this was a good song to get up and take a piss to.  When I came back from emptying my bladder the song had also finished and it was a good feeling.

Crystal Tea – Moonlight Distortion

Just a little too bland to get over the line, but my cat liked it and jumped up on the desk a lot so I can’t judge it too harshly.

TRPP – Go Away

It’s all a bit unexciting, this band spends more time smoking and lounging around than actually playing their instruments and it shows.

The Moody – Sally

Cruisy and boring, or at least it would be if the people in animal masks weren’t so unintentionally creepy.  They’re trying to play it off like it’s cute or something but this just looks to me like a Hotline Miami style bloodbath nightmare is about to go down.

Jaeha – Movie ii

It’s a good low-budget effort but too much of the played out “wooh ahh wooah wooahh” sound just makes me not want to listen.

Lil Cherry – Evergreen + Heart Dodumi

Lil Cherry only seems to know how to make formless, rubbish music that makes Justin Bieber sound like Dream Theater.

Haeil – I Want You

A whole lot of shit songs from Korea’s music scene could just be avoided if the guys over there just had the balls to ask the women that they liked out on a date instead of writing shit songs about how spineless they are.

Coogie – I Got A Feeling

I’ve got a feeling that I want to move onto to the next song.

Junhee feat. twlw – Lounge

There’s not even a scene where someone tries to start a fight in the wine bar and it turns into an epic one-shot fight scene where they tear the place apart, what a missed opportunity.  K-tigers, what have you become.  

Onesun – Shinin’ Ground

I’m sick of rappers rapping about money.  Nobody cares.  That scene where they zoom up on the toilet bowl seems appropriate somehow.

Aleph – Hope

Sucking up to a bigger group is a known k-pop strategy for promotion, it’s done not just for reputation in general and the usual Korean heirachical bullshit, but also it’s good SEO as you appear more often in their search terms.  That’s why I always mention Asian Junkie and Korean Indie so much, it’s all about my quest for personal fame.  That’s also why I never say anything bad about BTS like ever.

Ted Park – Blackpink

I mean it’s worth a shot, right?  All Lisa can do is say no, and you haven’t lost anything except your dignity, and you’re already an Autotuned R&B rapper so it’s not like you had any self-esteem or morals or common sense to lose in the first place.

Punchnello – Back

Hey it sounds alright and goes hard (finally) but I dunno, those mice are cute.  Vegans prepare to be triggered.

Punchnello ft. Kidd King – Boy In The Mirror

Even this one isn’t horrible.  What happened to this guy, his music finally grew some balls.

OLNL feat. Yunhway, Giriboy – Zero%

Is this an ad for soft drink or are they being shit for free.

Ash Island, GroovyRoom – Carabiner

GroovyRoom have been doing a lot of different styles lately which is definitely a good thing because it means they don’t suck all the time.  This still isn’t great though, but it could have been so much worse.

Meenoi feat. Loco – Paradise

I’m bored.

Baek Z Young, Lee Hong Gi – Can I Love Again

No you cannot love again, at least not in public.

Wax – Us, Back then

I feel like there’s 14 groups in Korea all called Wax and none of them are any good.

Park Jiwoo – Already Know

See, this is alright.  Just investigate a bit of musical light and shade, people.  You don’t have to fill every single fucking second of your song with fucking constant wailing.  We already know you “have talent”, prove to us that you “have taste” instead.

FAT KOREANS NOT BEING HUMILIATED FOR ONCE SECTION

EMT Korea – Heavenly

I guess when you’re in church is the perfect time to make bullshit music, I mean what else is there worth doing really.  Also props for having a chubby girl in the video as one of the performers but not calling the group “fatty fat and the fat bitches” and having her dance stupidly for “laughs”, maybe Korea is making progress after all.

Sound Kim – Love and Peace

You see Korea, it’s not that hard.  Okay the song is bland as shit just like everything else, but if it’s good enough for everyone else to suck this much it’s good enough for her.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK

Ariaz – do some presentation on a whiteboard or whatever

This is what k-pop promotional teasing look like when you have no money and I mean NO money.  “Okay we’ve got a room, we’ve got a whiteboard, we know what we want to say to the fans, girls smile a lot and don’t forget to clap and cheer at the specified times, okay let’s roll it”.  People always ask me how much of this shit is fake, from “behind the scenes” footage to crying on live stages etc, and it’s not like any of it is fake necessarily, it’s more that every performer in this situation selectively self-edits because they know how heavily they’re under scrutiny.  For instance, you wouldn’t say that the way you talk to your parents is “fake”, or that you even “lie” to them necessarily, but you sure leave a lot of details out when they ask you how last night at the club went and if you had a good time compared to when your friends ask you the same questions.

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That’s all for Kpopalypse roundup this week – more next week!