It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out some new releases!

Twice – Alcohol-Free

Well it’s definitely the best bossanova-themed k-pop girl group comeback of 2021, however due to the lack of this sort of content in general it’s also the worst bossanova-themed k-pop girl group comeback of 2021.  Either way it feels cute, breezy and nice enough to listen to just because it’s very different to what everyone else is serving up right now, but if this sound becomes a trend it will piss me off quickly.

Lightsum – Vanilla

Meanwhile most other girl group stuff in 2021 is sounding like an absolute trash-heap.  

Loona, Cocomon – Yum Yum

This terrifying sub-Pororo promotion for… something is actually saved by having a catchy melody that will stick in your head.  I bet this song is keeping Kim Lip awake at night, who looks positively traumatised and probably hasn’t gotten a moment’s uninterrupted sleep since this video shoot.

Joy ft. Paul Kim – If Only

More ballad bullshit from Joy, why do people think that we want this.

TXT – Magic

TXT’s generic disco nonsense is actually a lot better than BTS’s generic disco nonsense.

BM – Broken Me

Well it’s not trap so it gets points for that alone.  It’s a bit sad when “this isn’t the absolutely worst type of music possible” equals a good write-up, isn’t it.

B.I feat. Lee Hi – Daydream

“Sleeping” content is some of the creepiest shit out there in the k-pop world, designed to make you go “aww my little baby” and infantilise grown adults, it probably appeals to the same people who have diaper shit fetishes.  Also, Lee Hi, is she okay?  Does anyone even know? 

Yugyeom ft. DeVita – I Want U Around

Wandering around the forest singing trap is a nope.   Let’s hope he runs into a Norwegian black metal band shooting their video and ends up being a sacrifice to the metal gods.

WEi – Bye Bye Bye

Now this is pretty good.  Boy idol groups this year are outperforming the girl idols for the most part.  It’s been a strange year so far.

EPEX – Lock Down

I’m not sure what they’re trying to say about the pandemic exactly, with the confusing mix of Korean and very badly-phrased English making this song open to all sorts of interpretations.  However that terribly thudding chorus is already enough for me to throw this in the hazardous waste bin.

Up10tion – Spin Off

Just sounds like all those really bad SHINee songs between 2013 and 2020.

Jung Yup ft. Leellamarz – Drive

This makes me feel like taking the bus.

woo!ah! – Scaredy Cat

It’s ONF’s “Complete” if it was half-speed with trap rhythm.  Which is totally not the right choice. 

NCT Dream – Hot Sauce (Hitchiker Remix)

The main appeal of Hitchiker is how he tends to hilariously butcher whatever he gets his hands on, so it’s a real shame that this NCT remix only sounds like a mild exaggeration of the original.

NCT Dream – Hot Sauce (Minimonster Remix)

Same here.  The original is so haphazard anyway that any remix along the “bizarre electro” lines barely touches the sides.

EXO – Just As Usual

A special video for a special song for special people.  Are you in the special people’s club?

Ailee – Starting Now

I don’t know what this Disney trash is, but if it didn’t have such a bad case of the millennial whoops, it would be great.  It’s still probably the best thing Ailee has done musically since her debut album.

24K – Welcome to the Mainstreet

Cringetastic.  I love how they’ve overexposed all the graffiti street scenes so they look bright and aegyo.  Oops I think I just stepped on a used syringe uwu!

Tri.be – Loro

Actually by far the best “stupid Latin bullshit whatever” k-pop song I’ve ever heard.  Mind you it’s got literally no competition because every single other song like this sucks.

I.C.E – Oh my god

The problem with most idol groups that are #Selfproduced is that they actually sound like it.

Chungha, Colde – My Lips Like Warm Coffee

Look at that thumbnail.  Now look at the song title.  You don’t even need to listen to it, you already know what it sounds like, and you also already know what I’m going to write about it, so let’s just move on.

Gash Slime – Never Find

This group get the award for the best band name in k-pop.  Imagine coming home to your parents from school: “I just formed a new band with some school friends!  I’m so excited!”  “That’s lovely dear, what’s it called?”  “We’re called Gash Slime!  Please cheer for us!”  “That’s nice, honey… but that’s an unusual name, where did it come from?”  “Well, you know that chat that we had last week about my unusually painful period cramps?  Well, you won’t believe this, but…”

Woo Jinyoung – Happy Birthday

You look like a chandelier with legs.

Hoya – Stay With Me

Some generic ballad starring a bad neck tattoo, if you look carefully there’s a singer playing the piano attached.

Seori ft. Giriboy – The Long Night

This isn’t as horrible as I expected, but maybe that’s just because I enjoyed the scene of her diving into that giant pillow.  Let’s be honest, we all want to do that.

Keita – Weapon / Cold

Two songs that don’t fit together and that aren’t any good, fit together because he could.

93heims – A Little Rest

Lovely textures but the mumbling melody line is just kind of lost in there.  This song needed about 20% as many notes as it has.

from20 – Radio (will sing our song)

Statistically unlikely.

Sura – Wake Up

They’re still trying with the tropical thing.  Pity them.

Viola Lora – Fine with me not having anything

I guess if you’re a classical instrumentalist you kind of do have to be fine with being broke.  Just the bow for your instrument is going to cost more than your yearly income.

Dead Chant – I’m A Fool

For some reason I felt like I was watching a NOFX promo video.

Davicher – Hot Cool Sexy

So bad that I feel there’s a story behind it that I’m missing, because how could someone just randomly come up with something this shit.

FRankly – DD (Drunk Dreaming)

The booze theme continues on this week, and this drunk dreaming certainly does make me want to go alcohol free.

Huh Inchang – 5 seconds planche

What’s with the handstands, is this some new hip-hop thing I’m not aware of.

Vake – Fairy

There’s so much stuff like this and all of it is bad.

Saay ft. Tish Hyman – Circle

What a waste of time.

yuridora feat. Jeehye Ham – Black Sea

They couldn’t even be bothered lighting the set properly for this crap.  They’re trying to pass it off as “noir” when really it was just that nobody gave a fuck.

Shin Yongjae – So what, if the flowers are pretty

You can tell why Korea has one of the lowest birthrates in the world, all these romantic get-together ballads are no doubt having the opposite effect and turning people off breeding for life.

John OFA Rhee (with bottle gods) – Friday Night

At least they have a sense of humour, even if it’s a shit one.

clo – Dancing Alone

Can you even dress properly in the video for your own song?  How can you expect an audience to take you seriously like this.

Jaurim – Written on a leaf

I thought this was a rock group or something.  I guess the big bucks in Korea is in boring everyone to death.

PATRIOTISM SECTION

Song Sohee – My country, Korea

Watch out M.O.N.T, a new challenger has appeared!  Where’s your panoramic vistas of ugly buildings, I ask you?  She’s even outdoors so she knows the rainfall and humidity levels.

Iksan – Dear My Country

I think I also found Song Sohee’s perfect match.  Their compatibility rating would be high, I can just tell.

Ju Hyun Mi Jazz Project – Winds From Cuba

Wrong country, fuckheads.  Cuba isn’t even close to Korea, M.O.N.T will take you to geography class.

SONGS FROM SOME BULLSHIT TV SHOW NOBODY CARES ABOUT SECTION

Stray Kids – Wolfgang

Ah it’s not just about “Wolfgang” Mozart but also a “wolf gang”, hahaha geddit, eh?  Seemingly a fitting theme given that it partially involves a midget who died as a result of too much shit-eating, Stray Kids demonstrate that they have good choreo and beats but a sense of humour as bad as Mozart himself.

Ateez – The Real

All this is, is a beat, some yelling and a bit of fucking around with that “eastern” scale that every guitarist learns when they want to try and sound like Kerry King even though he never actually uses it.

The Boyz – Kingdom Come

The Boyz suck up to the show’s producers by having a song with “Kingdom” in the title, but it’s not a horrible tune.  Gfriend must be crying over that water stage, if they had forewarning like that they could have come prepared with the right footwear.

SF9 – Believer

SF9 are yet to have a really breakout good song and this isn’t it either but it’s listenable enough even if it plods.

BTOB – Show and Prove

BTOB’s song is pretty awful though although at least bald bastards are making a comeback that’s always good to see.  Please continue to represent.

iKON – At ease

iKon’s song sucks too.  Where are the girl groups or it is just going to be guys this time?  Oh wait, most of the girl group music sucks this year, maybe we’re better off without them until they pick up the pace.

FEMALE TROT MILF SECTION

Kim Jibyeon – Rose Button

I’m no expert but my money is on a whole lot of facial surgery.  She’s got that creepy peeled-back look that all the surgery junkies seem to have and that I can only tolerate on Park Bom and Ai Kano.  How hard is it to find a surgeon who can actually avoid that look, it must be difficult.

Seo Ji O – Namiga

Seo Ji O looks a bit more naturalistic, and the song is better too.  This track is pumping in a polite “home in time for dinner” type way.

Danya – Don’t do this to me

How awkwardly pushed-up does she look here.  I can only assume the title of the song is directed at the costume designer.

YOUR REMINDER THAT THERE ARE ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE IN KPOP SECTION

Eunha – At The End Of Time

Eunha is so pretty, seriously.  Why don’t plastic surgeons try to get this look instead of the skinned-orange appearance they always go for?  Because the technology for this doesn’t exist yet, that’s why.  I know this is an OST but I’m putting it here just for later use, I don’t like it when people submit OSTs but if you have to do it, Eunha is a pretty good reason. 

Rockit Girl do some cover of something, I don’t know, whatever

I only included this video because there is a big fat sausage at 2.29 which should please the people who keep asking me about sausages all the time for no reason that I’ve been able to determine beyond “herp derp random lulz”.

RANDOM BONUS VIDEO OF THE WEEK

Heize – An Accidental Recipe (ft. Taeyeon) pt.1

The huge influence of Velvet Tube continues as A-list k-pop idols get in on the action.  Unlike Velvet Tube who went through an entire cooking process end to end in exacting detail to demonstrate her dedication to the craft, Heize seems be more about providing eye candy, spending most of the episode giggling around posing and having Taeyeon on the show in a tight cardigan while not really providing much actual recipe content.  I guess that’s how you get the YouTube views these days.

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That’s all for this week, Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!  Also don’t forget that the KPOPALYPSE OBJECTIFICATION SURVEY is still active, so get onto it if you haven’t yet and have your say in important visual k-pop criteria!  Stay safe, caonimas!