It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out some new releases!

Mamamoo – Where Are We Now

Never mind the rubbish song, what is that thing Solar is wearing.  Imagine your label forcing you to wear some clothes that fan out awkwardly at the front and invite people to stare right down your top like those JAVs where the woman is “unaware” the guy is looking at her bra through her neckline (SSNI-101 if you need an example).  Clearly this was someone’s sexual fantasy, and what is that other stupid leather thing she’s wearing, RBW confirmed unwashed otakus living in net cafes.

EXO – Don’t Fight The Feeling

I wouldn’t say that I like it, but at least it kind of sounds somewhat almost semi-interesting in places.  Why can’t other A-list boy groups do this, instead of the bullshit that they usually do instead?

Monsta X – Gambler

The beat is nice and punchy but I wish they had gambled on a better melody.

BTS – Butter (Cooler Remix)

Another BTS remix job that didn’t really have the energy to fix the problems with the original.

NCT 127, Amoeba Culture – Save

Stupid house music shit, not even the ecstasy-fueled morons that I went to audio college with listen to garbage like this anymore.

Fromis_9 – Airplane Mode

Airplane mode is what you put your phone on when you have to endure several hours of boredom without worthwhile entertainment so the title is quite fitting really.

B.I. – illa illa

We try to drown these tropical shithouse singers but they keep washing ashore and making that squirt squirt noise.

Minimani – Stop

Hey it’s a bit cheap and nasty with the tacky overdone BB cream and lazy staging but I don’t mind the song, there’s been worse disco-trot this year.

Ghost9 – Up All Night

It’s all so bright and One-Directionish, which isn’t a crime, but unless you already love this group to bits I don’t think this song is going to convert you.

TXT – No Rules

Kind of a waste of time, but hey the dance routine is cool, another area where TXT seem to weirdly always outshine their higher-budget labelmates.

N.Flying – Moonshot

Easily the best N.flying song since their debut, really quite good.  Two good songs in nine years is a pretty shit hit/miss ratio but I suppose it’s two more good songs than a lot of groups have.

Ha Sungwoon – Sneakers

Are they kidding with that random ass chorus melody or what.

OuiOui – D.D.

This sci-fi recreation of a parallel universe where Park Jimin actually still looks like Park Jimin and didn’t get Jessified but just sings about it instead is pretty realistic.

Heyne – Good Luck

Yeah there’s not a lot of substance here.  I’m talking about the music.  I’m pretty sure.

Like A Movie – Couple

A reasonable remake of a reasonable Sechskies song, but [insert “dick goes in the pussy” joke here].

Pixy – The Moon

Everything has to be so “badass” these days and I’m so bored with it.  These girls are probably at the “we need permission from the gym coach to stop our dance rehearsal to take a shit” phase of their careers, all this “tough” posing just doesn’t ring true.

Ravi ft. Wonstein – Cardigan

Why does Ravi sound like he has balls in his mouth.

Lee Eunsang, BDC – Hole In Your Face

I don’t know, this seems like the wrong type of song title for a smooth romantic funk style k-pop song somehow.

Laonzena – Stargaze

So slow, boring and forgettable.

The Volunteers – Pinktop

Korean rock groups have really caught up to the rest of the world, the divide that existed in quality about ten years ago is completely gone.  The Volunteers prove it with a song that sounds just as plodding and dull as any indie trash that was on late-night music video TV in Australia in the 1990s, which is kind of an achievement I guess.

TRPP – Pause

And again.  Fast pace doesn’t really count for much when the song is so drowned in scratchy distorted ambience that you can barely even hear the drums anyway.  It would sound better with the 27 layers of fat removed.

Ra Miran, Mirani – Ramirani

When old people sing in front of sporty cars it has more credibility, because it’s only once you’ve been in the workforce for 20 years that you have enough money to actually buy a mid-life-crisismobile.

Mobull – Farewell

I was going to say the keyboardist was cute until I realised she hadn’t gaffer-taped the brand of the keyboard properly so I can still tell exactly what model it is.  Intelligence is attractive.

Rossana – Love Yourself

Before you love yourself, consider this – what if you’re actually a dickhead?  Isn’t a song like this sending the wrong message to all the douches out there?

Kim Hoonsoo ft. Oh Junghoon – I’ll win it over

Another one of those songs where I think it’s meant to be funny but I feel left out of the joke.  Good guitar solo though.

Miyaaa ft. Moonji – Space

I don’t know what this is but I hate it thanks.

Jung Jihyeong – Downtown

When I see the word “Downtown” I think of the amusement arcade of the same name that was huge in my city in the 1980s, but had closed down by the time I got old enough to actually go there and check it out for myself.  I get the same feeling of listlessness when I listen to this as when I think about all those games of Frogger and Scramble I missed out on back before I realised that they sucked anyway.

SingSongLa – Real Dreams

Why are they so happy for no reason?  Some very strange Christian camp vibes going on here.

Angelina Danilova feat. Hanhae – Sun Dance

Why do I feel like this girl is part of some Rebecca Black tier “be in a k-pop music video” scam?

Zelo – On A Roll

Isn’t this the guy who was caught raping a chicken or something.  Oh what, he’s just raping our ears?  Sorry I just can’t keep up with these k-pop scandals.  

Horim feat. Chancellor, Damo, Brwn, Knave, Jhnovr – Secret Love Remix

This is even worse.

Owell Mood feat. Jamie – Runaway

Jamie reminds me of those plastic surgery scenes in “Brazil“, now there’s a film to go and watch instead of listening to a whole roundup worth of shit R&B comebacks by your dusty faves.  Stop reading this and go watch it right now if you haven’t, this bullshit of mine will still be waiting for you when you return.

Khakii feat. Moon Sujin – Lost

It’s funny how all the rappers who get busted for weed have references to weed in their lyrics.  South Korean police really don’t need to detective too hard do they.  I support legalising weed, but not as much as I support locking up lame rappers for existing so maybe we just keep it illegal for now until we can get all the clown-ass lightweight R&B fools in jail, then make it legal but don’t apply the law retrospectively.

Baek Dayeon – Drive Me

Sorry, you’re walking.

Ajae – Walza Song

Some songs you can tell just from the thumbnail that no matter what it sounds like, no good is going to come from it.

University – 4U

All black keys are just for people who want to post with keytars and look cool.  Serious players need some visual contrast.

Silkybois – Bomaye

Oh yay, about time Black Nut grew a sack again.  The beat’s not amazing but at least he’s not doing lame shit anymore.  Controversial rappers doing R&B instead have real “nice guy” energy.

Joo Jinwoo feat. goodviberoscoe – Must have

Just listen to this crap.  Even people who like this kind of music know that they’re part of the problem.

Zior Park – Black Fin

If you think it’s ugly to look at just wait until you hear it.

Yuri – Hipbum

I’ve never been less excited to see some k-pop woman wave fake titties in my face, except for all the other times that this happened and I also didn’t care.

yellowpeach feat. moonc, howmany. – Ecliptic

Saying “uhh” a lot is not a substitute for having a song, even in this quasi-rap trash style where songwriting standards are super-low and basically amount to “put on a loop of something that’s listenable and mumble a bit”.

Huckleberry P feat. Han Yohan – La Décima

Probably the worst song I’ve ever heard with a Gibson Explorer in the video that isn’t from Metallica’s “Lulu” album.

Tae Jin-ah – Come Empty Return Empty

Look at him flirting with those obviously-miming girls on the whatever-the-fuck-that-instrument-is-I-forget-don’t-tell me-in-the-comments-like-a-boring-person-thanks.  When I grow up I want to be this cool.  He has a voice like a rusty gate these days but that kind of adds to the appeal.  

Jade.L – Night Ride

I’m sure in one of those boxes is all the fucks I give about this song but I don’t know which one it is and I couldn’t be bothered looking.

4Men – Eternal

If you’re not going to use those Marshall stacks just donate them to me, I’ll find a use for them.

Mindy – Am I Alive

Did Kim Hyun Joong direct this?  I think we’ve all seen enough of this type of thing in the Korean music scene, even if the song’s not too bad.

Kimmineralwater -No More Tears

Imagine if Nico went trap.

Elliye – Sleek

I tried to find out more about this woman because I wasn’t even sure if the entire package was Korean enough to qualify for roundup, and all I could find was information about how Australian rapper Sleek The Elite actually had a comeback last year, and since Australian rap is all garbage that nobody should be reminded of this song loses serious points for that alone even though she seriously mrs

BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK

YooA (OH MY GIRL) – Talk You Down (Charlotte Lawrence) cover

I feel like Oh My Girl’s agency doesn’t really get what it is that people like about Yooa.  To say that she doesn’t really pull off this horrible western rock balladeer treatment is a massive understatement, just like she also didn’t really look right in… well, just about anything her or the group as a whole have done apart from “Closer“, crappy Pororo videos and that one dance video she did with that guy.  I’ve never seen an agency get such an A-list modelesque beauty on their hands and then just shit all her appeal straight up the wall with lame grimacing “sultry” garbage.  Oh well.

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That’s all for this week’s roundup!  Remember that the Kpopalypse Objectification Survey for 2021 is now live and can be accessed by clicking this link!  The survey will be active throughout all of June, so be sure to vote for your k-pop faves, and don’t forget to share the survey with others who are willing to shill for your bias if you want to see them perform well!  Don’t be one of those “oh, I missed it this time” people, or you may die from social shame!  Kpopalypse will return!