It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!
Everglow – First
Dramatic and dynamic, but the bombastic production is mainly just backed by one simple riff – it’s not enough music to go around. This song is written in the same way that America does wars – bomb the shit out of everyone in fifteen seconds, and then expect to hold the entire country for the next ten years with one military base and three humvees.
BTS – Butter (Hotter Remix)
Let’s get a song that was already pretty characterless and strip away the few specks of melody that it had, the world needs more boring music, fuck it.
TXT feat. Seori – 0X1=LOVESONG (I Know I Love You)
TXT are the group that BigHit use when they want to release the music that’s considered a bit too risky for BTS and they don’t want to use smelly girls because it might fuel too many fandom conspiracy theories.
GWSN – Like It Hot
Like it, not.
Weeekly – 7days Tension
Apparently an ad for contact lenses of some sort, the video looks appropriately bright and sparkly as you hope it would, but the music is just a little too nauseating. Hearing the girls sing “tension, tension, tension” over and over again is actually pretty tension-inducing, funnily enough.
Astro – Our Spring
More “for the fans” trash where they try to convince you that young men in k-pop groups actually spend their dorm hours wholesomely. Astro controversy soon, folks.
woo!ah! – Purple
Calling it now “let’s make purple” is going to become this generation’s “if you wanna pretty, every wanna pretty” Engrish whipping-post.
Itzy – Tennis (0:0)
I guess if you want to look at Itzy doing the sport ball shape, then this video has that, but it doesn’t have much else.
Wonwoo & Mingyu feat. Lee Hi – Bittersweet
Lee Hi’s part in this song is genuinely good, although I really wanted some actual footage of her here just as proof of her continued existence, because I haven’t been truly sure for a while. I’m worried that one day someone will uncover Lee Hi’s bones in a dumpster in the red light district somewhere and then the great mystery will become who has been cutting all those vocal tracks this whole time.
Joy – Hello
Some bullshit remake waste of time. Not linking the original either because nobody cared then, and nobody cares now.
Joy – Je T’aime
Rockit Girl (feat. Dayul) – Everybody Go
I think Della is out of the group at this point, because Rockit Girl have a “substitute Della” here (who looks like a cross between Ailee and Luna) doing the vocal heavy lifting. Still, it doesn’t change the music, so we can confirm that none of it is written by either of them. Also there’s a Leeseul solo cam version of this song now too, just in case Leeseul hogging 70% of the camera in this version wasn’t enough for you.
Lulupop & Purple Kiss – Find You
I get it that big eyes are supposed to be cute, and I’m not sure where the limit is where it stops being cute and just starts looking like weirdly-painted eye sockets, but this video definitely steps over the mark. I couldn’t get into the required “fairies and unicorns” mood for this song because I was terrified of that CGI monstrosity turning up again.
Hi Cutie – Love Street
It’s weird how these girls sing this children’s music trash absolutely everywhere except on a street. Maybe they know that cars would try to run over them to make them stop.
Cherry Girls – DISCO
This isn’t even a song. I’m not sure if it even counts as anything at all.
Cookie – I Think I Really Love You
Can’t kids just grow up without having to be a k-pop until they’re older? But if you have to do it, at least stop singing about love for fuck’s sake. Where are the parents? Probably supporting this trash with all their dollars I suspect. If you can’t either sing about something age-appropriate, or flip expectations on their head in a worthwhile way, then just say no.
Cookie – I Like It
This video’s slightly newer and one of the parents has already grown some brains and pulled her child out of this trash. Let’s pray for the other four to come to their senses.
Taeho ft. Choi Yegeun – Ggoma
The brand of the keyboard is Goldstar. Ha, your gaffer tape censorship cannot defeat me!
Roy – Blow My Mind
The androgynous boobs-harness action here gets pretty intense. Did you know that if you type “boobs-harness” into Google, my article about them is on the first page? All those people constantly emailing me about SEO need to sit down and realise that I’m the SEO master and I didn’t even plan it that way. If anything I try to dodge web traffic whenever I can, after all I just released three Nugu Alerts in a row, so give me a break with your web optimisation spam thanks.
Aquinas – It Doesn’t Matter
“Aquinas” sounds less like a k-pop star and more like a character in a MOBA or team FPS. His ultimate ability can be called “da da da da” where he starts singing a stupid melodic line that makes all his enemies fall to the floor for 5 seconds of paralysing laughter. Judging by this song it’d be way OP and would have to be nerfed shortly after release I think.
The Volunteers – Let me go!
The Korean rock bands are getting better and more polished, they’re catching up. The song isn’t great here, but production-wise it’s as a good as anything western and recent, just five years ago something like this would be much more unusual.
Ben&Ben feat. Young K – Leaves
Ben&Ben are apparently Filipino, and Young K is from Day6 so that makes this relevant for roundup, but it’s only really worth watching for the bass player’s super-awesome smile at the end which totally made my night.
SGBOYZ (Jay Park, Don Mills, Loco, Nucksal) – ?
Gray being shit is a near-certainty in all cases so when he’s on the production side don’t expect much and you won’t feel let down.
Miyeon – You Were My Breath
Yuqi’s solo stuff has actually been pretty good, so I’m not sure why groupmate Miyeon has to suck so badly here. Couldn’t she have gotten a little help, or do those two not get along or something. Guess we’ll find out in a while when the lid blows off this group.
Park Hyunbin – Let’s Get One Shot
Those knowingly stupid dance moves kind of wreck it, honestly. It’s no fun when they’re too self-aware.
Lanalogue – Wind Rider
It’s sure riding some wind, just not the type they think.
Holladang – I Miss You
Okay, so why did this video start with a thing from the most obese rapper I’ve ever seen? I’m not sure but the two bars we get to hear of him rapping sound about 100 times better than the dreary rap song that happens afterwards, which I assume is to commemorate his passing or something because why the fuck wouldn’t they have him on the track to make it better.
Mudd the student – Off Road Jam
Sounded like dumb noisy shit and I didn’t know why, then I noticed it was on Balming Tiger’s Youtube channel. Ahh, makes sense now.
RUX – Laundry Room
Hey, it’s great! Very relatable.
Ham Blue (feat. Deniella, Gson) – Twerking
This definitely didn’t sound how I expected it to sound from the title, which is definitely a good thing, unfortunately what it was instead wasn’t any good either.
Licens – Blue Bird
If you have a PRS guitar you already have too much money, just give up music and give someone else a shot at fame.
Minsu – Healthy Food
Some of the bass and synth lines are cool, but unfortunately the song sucks whenever she’s singing, and that’s most of it.
Atenbreed – Come back to me
How did they get their Youtube recommends to all be relevant stuff? All I ever get in mine is David504 and VelvetTube.
Keith Ape – Yuh Dig
He used to sound like a shit trap rapper and now he’s downgraded to Brokencyde with a cold.
Queen Wa$abii ft. Bloo – Plug Boy
Queen Wa$abii sure is boring when she’s being all serious and shit. She’s kind of cute here though, she actually looks genuinely attractive without 57 layers of super-loud makeup.
En (feat. Black Nut) – 22
Black Nut is doing his best to reform his image by appearing in this R&B slop isn’t he. We’re not fooled though, so just get back to being a cunt, then at least we get better music.
Mckdaddy, Bruno Champman, noahjooda, QDR – BIBIMBOP
Are they serious? Fuck your vegetables and rice with eggs, level up and BURN THE RIBS
Soovi – ASAP!
If you’re wondering whether other female artists on Swervy’s label are any good, here’s your answer.
Shuuu – Candy
I’m told this girl used to be in the short lived k-pop group Unicorn, but if you liked that group you probably still won’t like this.
Salut ft. Achameleon & Di1e of Aweek – Border
If you’re going to rap in a building in the countryside, don’t bother unless it’s full of weed.
Chan – Weak
Accurate song title of the week.
Lee Hye – XXHOLIC
A nice try but there’s just too much signing in it. That’s the problem with singers when the reins are off – they want to sing too much, it’s their downfall every time. Leave some room in the mix, damn.
SBGB (feat. Utopi) – zzZ
Joy o’clock – Good Person
Imagine calling yourself “Joy O’Clock” and then making this kind of wrist-slashing music. It’s surely some kind of troll attempt.
Joody – Is it such a good thing?
This is more like a “Joy O Clock” sound. Good on-hold music, right Annie?
Pyoapple – Amasia
Cheerleader and furry outfits? Sorry but that’s just a fucking nope. She can show all the cleavage she wants, it’s still a negative 100 on the fap scale for me.
Sweden Laundry – Everything is you
Sweden Laundry on the other hand are underrated visuals. Seriously check out some of their live stages. I would take them over 1000 Pyoapples. Years of bias list postings and me making random comments on objectification surveys and you readers still have no idea what I like. It’s like the more open I get about this, the more confused you become.
BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK
KCON LA ft. Loona – Hi High
Speaking of which, this fancam is worth a look firstly just for the incredible moshing frenetic slam dunk that is “Hi High” through a fat PA system, which comes off as sort of like the k-pop version of Mortician if we’re talking about evenness (or lack thereof) of frequency spread, and then there’s the fact that Vivi does a whole solo dance at the end in front of the fancammer, which is about the most that anybody gets to see of Vivi ever.
That’s all for this week – Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!