It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out some new releases!

BTS – Butter

There’s nothing as lyrically awful here as “cup of milk let’s rock and roll” but the pandering to their own fandom at 2:08 is probably the single creepiest k-pop video moment outside of Little PSY being made to wolf-whistle at his own mother.  Take away the cringe factor however and it’s just “Dynamite” part 2 with a slightly better beat and a slightly worse melody, nothing special to either love or hate, nothing that will change the world outside of their own fans or their own bank balances, certainly nothing to get upset or excited over – easy to listen to, even easier to not listen to.  Just another song by the Nickelback of k-pop.

Tri.be – Rub-a-dum

An updated take on miss A’s “Breathe“, and nearly as terrible.

Pixy – Let Me Know

Basically CLC’s “Me” without the production cleverness or the riffs, which were the only two things that made that song any good.

Bling Bling – Oh MAMA

Most of what’s wrong with girl group music in 2021, neatly encapsulated into one song.

Heize – Happen

I know it’s going to be a strange week when Heize actually releases something that I like.

Yuqi – Bonnie & Clyde

For all of you people suggesting B-tracks, seriously – don’t fucking bother.  If the song is any good and the label have any brains at all, it’ll get its own proper video eventually.

Rocket Punch – Ride

For all of you people suggesting B-tracks, seriously – don’t fucking bother.  If the song is any good and the label have any brains at all, it’ll get its own proper video eventually.  I know I just wrote that already, but it’s really worth writing twice just so you people get it.  Wait a month after release, at least.

Stayc – Love Fool

In fact even if the song sucks it’ll probably still get a video.  So just chill out on the non-feature track song suggestions until some serious time has passed, otherwise it just makes Roundup suck as I include waste-of-time badly-filmed live stages for shit songs like this one.

Enhypen – Fever

Some readers are convinced that Enhypen is BigHit’s song offcuts dumping ground, and listening to them, I can definitely see how they came to that conclusion.

Taemin – Advice

Taemin finally gets his solo style right thanks to some nice piano and unusual harmony changes.

E’Last U – The beginning of spring

Could they have made those shirts out of material that was any thinner?  If this was a female group’s video it would be banned eveywhere.

TO1 – Son of Beast

According to the person who sent this one in, this is apparently boy group TOO with a new name, for reasons.  Think Minx/Dreamcatcher but they only changed one letter because who could be fucked making an effort for people who make music like this. 

N.Flying – Amnesia

I don’t really see the point of a multi-view video when everyone’s just in the same room anyway.

Kim Jaehwan – My Flower

Not too horrible but it could have rocked out a little more.

NS Yoon-ji feat. Joohoney – If You Love Me

Sure it’s good to have NS Yoon G back, and gosh she’s looking better than ever, but this is basically identical to the original song with Jay Park.  If you’ve heard that, you’ve heard this, and if you haven’t heard that, you didn’t miss much at the time.

G.E.M feat. Luhan – Missing You

For whoever wanted a sequel to Project Luhan here it is in video drama form.

Armaan Malik, Eric Nam, KSHMR – Echo

I guess ethnically diverse doesn’t have to mean musically diverse, as this is as generic as they come.

P1Harmony – If You Call Me

Apparently all the members of the group wrote this song, and it shows because it definitely sounds like it was written by a bunch of kids who didn’t know how to write music and were just taking a basic first crack at it.

B.I. – Waterfall

I’m just grateful for the lack of R&Bisms which is what ruins 99% of idol rap.

Donghae – Sunrise

Rule – don’t sing by the beach.

Yesung – Corazón Perdido (Lost Heart)

The production is all wrong for this type of vibe, but there’s a good tune here.

Sung Sikyung – I Love U

There’s something morally wrong about computer-generated clouds that I can’t quite put my finger on.  I don’t know what it is, but I’m pretty sure that if Hitler was alive today his propaganda videos would have computer-generated clouds in them.

CCOLA – YOYO

The YouTube comment someone wrote on this: “this is a vibe”, sums it up – that’s literally all this is.  No music, no song, no anything, just a vibe alone.  This is what happens when people think that anybody can do a pop song if they have the right attitude.  Clearly, it doesn’t work like that in practice.

Up Star – Tell Me

That guy has the same bass guitar as me and I suddenly want to sell it.  Why wants to buy a Fender jazz bass?

eAeon – Btfl Mind

I like it how the beat slows down for no reason as if it wasn’t already slow enough.  Don’t wear your drum machine out there, friend.

Coffeeboy – High-Teen Star

Just call yourself Coffeeboy and invalidate your whole existence, why not.

PRSNT – Minus

The most weird cut-up style hook that comes out of nowhere yet it still manages to be boring anyway.  Cool sound effects might be cool but they do not equal a song.

Hyungdon & Daejune – Bye Bye Spring

Clearly they’re taking the piss out of spring songs or romance or something but I have no idea what they’re singing about so “wacky wigs” don’t really cut it for humour content alone.  Lost in translation I guess.

Hyungdon & Daejun – Help me, Buddha and Jesus

This too – I’m sure it would be funnier if I understood it.

Harrianne – Loop

It’s literally the same thing constantly (hence the title I suppose) but actually really works.  It also helps that she can actually use the language she’s singing in.

Rumkicks – I Don’t Wanna Die

Oh just shut up and get your vaccine.  You’re not going to get a fucking blood clot, jesus christ.  If you’re really as worried about that as you say you are, try giving up smoking and sitting on the couch watching TV all evening, those are far bigger risk factors.

Bigbet – Rainbow boy

mrcs

Hit.eun – Yamjeonee

Also mrcs but I’m not sure if I approve of the kitty torture of having to participate in the dance routines.

En (feat. Black Nut) – 22

I guess now that Black Nut can’t write about tit-fucking KittiB anymore because he’ll be put in jail for it, we gotta put up with these lame R&B guest spots instead.  What a drag.

Shinji – Always (2021)

Look at how the video editor censored the name of the keyboard because this girl was too lazy to rip off a strand of gaffer tape.  Not my roadie.

IV – I Was Right

Shoving broccoli in the faces of trap rappers is a great way to get them to stop making music, if you see this guy onstage throw a broccoli at him, aim for the teeth.

Kevin Park – Mundanity

Accurate song title of the week.

Atlet – Betrayal + Deokjeong dong

Don’t you just want to lock them up and throw away the key.  This type of video is what pushes people towards the far right.  BRB building a concentration camp uwu

Earn O – Drunknness

It’s that fucking room again, you all know the one by now.  Add it to the list of places I want to visit if I ever go to Korea.

Yonge Jaundice (feat. Deepflow) – Trialogue

How long do you think it took the location scout to find the only abandoned factory in Korea.

EXN – Law of Gravity

It’s always saddening when such a cool and unique visual style is paired with such rubbish music.  The new IU video could have looked like this instead but no, we have to have some trap rapper doing it.

Huh! (feat. nongmill kim, BLOO) – business boy

Why would someone even make a beat like this, I don’t get it.  For once the sounds are there but they decided to do this with it?

TOMSOON – NON-FICTION TRILOGY

You probably can’t sit through fourteen minutes of rap nonsense and neither can I.

Yen – I Can’t Hate You Anymore

Korean pop is impressive because you look at shit worthless ballad videos and think “who’s this random model they hired for this” but it’s actually the singer.  Even when I don’t like the people at all I’ve got to admit visually they’re so on point.  That’s what a toxic culture of beauty obsession does best I guess.

Kim Kyung Hun – A Song For You

No, really – everyone always looks great.  Why don’t they just become models, surely it’s not as if anyone really likes this music.

Nahee – I’m not fine!

Even this girl who doesn’t look great, looks great.  In fact I think she looks better than all the other ones who look better than her.

Zenith – Picnic

There’s so many vocal groups in Korea yet none of them ever harmonise like this.  This is the dead giveaway that your oppars can’t actually sing for shit, because if they could, they would have parts like this in their songs all the time.  Not a single A-list boy or girl group could sing this without electronic help or a handful of ghost singers behind a curtain somewhere doing all the parts for them while they posed out.

Maylily – The Place To Put Your Mind

Pretty but boring, like a lot of stuff on the bottom end of roundup.

Kang Haru – Shall We Share My Umbrella?

You can just sense the odious “nice guy” vibes reeking from this one, the whole thing just stinks of “if I share my umbrella with her, maybe she’ll sympathy fuck me in 6 months” incel vibes.  Only sex criminals find this sort of music touching.

Sonia Choy – Spring Flower, My Eternal Love

Yeah she’s good, but a flute is just a recorder for people with rich parents, and we all hate the recorder.

Sonia Choy – Only You

I just put this here for the aerial view of horses because I’ve got some readers who are into that kind of thing.

Kimpomme – Dear J

I was waiting for her to pull out a knife and start slicing her wrists up over the bathroom sink, but it didn’t happen.  Or maybe I’m getting confused and that’s actually what I was doing while I was watching this.

Changstarr* – Dear My Friends

My cat started wheezing when this song came on and I actually thought it was part of the beat.  Not sure what that says about it.

Silverbell – Be Your love

Wow, look at that great smile, she looks so happy to be there, singing for us.  Maybe she’s deaf.

Haetal – If only I’d had half a glass

How come he wears a mask but she doesn’t?  Social distancing requires two, you know.

Van Siian – Curse

I didn’t hate it probably because it really sounds like the bass player is desperately trying hard to spice up the flat melody.  Don’t ask for a bass cover of this, I couldn’t be fucked learning all that crap.

Lim Jeonghee – Not4$ale

Trash music but I’m really digging the outfits actually.

Boramiyu – Beauty

Sometimes music quality can be measured purely by how slowly the singer brings the mic up to their mouth before singing.  If they can’t even do that in an excited manner, you can bet that nothing else in the song will excite you either. 

BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK

Davie504 – These North Korean bassists need to be STOPPED

If you have been enjoying my bass channel just because you’re a bassist and you don’t really care about k-pop specifically, you’ll probably like Davie504’s bass channel a whole lot more because he’s a much better player than I am and he also has some great humour which isn’t all that different in style to my own.  People who read my writing and think I’m writing with a hideous “DoseOfBuckley” or “Angry Video Game Nerd” tone – no, not at all, far closer to this guy actually, just with a cunty Australian twist.  Here he takes a dip into North Korean music to try and find some bassists, which is very relevant, so slap like and subscribe, also leave him a comment and tell him I sent you.

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That’s all for this week, Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!