It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!
If A.C.E’s label want to make some real money forget about cryptobullshit and just get the boys to do A2 size pin-up calendars like the firefighers do in Australia because our government is too stingy to fund public services, clear land properly or fight climate change so shit just burns to the ground all the time. Sorry, that got boring and political real quick, didn’t it. Just look at the legs and try not to think about it too much.
Itzy – M.A.F.I.A In The Morning
If Itzy want to get “in my area” they’re going to need to bring a bit more than just those same fucking three notes over and over. It’s just three notes! Come on guys, make an effort.
Itzy – Sorry Not Sorry
This week’s pissweak b-side that should have never been created, let alone suggested for roundup, is Itzy’s awful “Pretty Savage” clone, which doesn’t work at all because they’ve used pentatonics for the riff instead of modal scales, so when you break it down it just sounds like any other R&B ramble but with a different beat.
G-Idle – Last Dance
This sounds like it was randomly picked out of a house music vinyl store’s bargain crate but it’s probably still better than G-Idle’s other rubbish.
Hot Issue – Gratata
Now here’s a song that’s really gratatataing on the ears.
Yesung – Beautiful Night
Every week there’s a song where the bass player just got bored and decided to solo over the whole thing, someone over in Korea is using these songs to practice.
ONF – Ugly Dance
It kind of sucks for ONF how their new video starts off with the chord sequence from “Beautiful Beautiful” as the intro before it gets going because it really makes me wish I was listening to that song instead.
Bibi – Birthday Cake
I know Koreans kind of have a “thing” for beauty standards, but I didn’t know that homeless people over there get their makeup looking absolutely immaculate before they go raiding other people’s garbage. Speaking of digging through trash, there’s not a lot of good songs this week.
Soran ft. Mongja – Dang!
Enough with the Kpopalypse fans just trying to get on my lists. You need less obvious tactics.
Highlight – Not The End
I like it how they write “THE BLOWING” across the top of the screen before the music even starts, so you know exactly what to expect.
Norazo – Vegetable
Norazo are constantly just a gimmick group. Once the joke wears off there’s nothing here to listen to… and I’m not even sure if I know what the joke is in the first place, I just know I’m not in on it.
Amber Liu – Vegas
If I were the betting type, I’d put money down on nobody besides die-hard Amber fans giving a shit.
Kid Milli & Dress ft. Ron – Bittersweet
A synthesizer farting over some hi-hats is not a beat.
HeyGirls – I Cook
Okay so it sounds like shit – but damned if it isn’t catchy shit. “I cook! I got that recipe!” is going to be in your head after you listen to this, whether you like it or not. I’ll take it over a thousand mafias in the morning.
Banni – Across The Moon
Eh. It’s just boring. Sorry, I’ve got nothing.
Bumkey ft. Moonbyul – The Lady
I don’t care if she’s got a pretty dress on, Moonbyul could take Bumkey in a fight. Easily.
DeVita – Skin Deep
If you’re going to make a rock song this short, you need to actually rock out a LOT more, otherwise it just sounds like the party ended before the punch was made.
eAeon ft. RM – Don’t
I did a double-take at first because I thought the girl in the vid was Harriet Sugarcookie. Then I realised I was wrong and wondered if it was the girl in that Spacedog video. I’m pretty sure I’m wrong there too. Why do I feel the need to obsessively place this woman, probably because the song is boring and there’s nothing else to do while watching.
twlv – rewind
Or maybe it’s the girl in this video. I don’t fucking know. Probably not but I need something to occupy my mind because the music sure isn’t doing it.
JK – Olla La La
Look folks, you’re not going to get the big international breakthrough with a song that sounds like this, so quit it with the awkwardly phrased English lyrics and just do it in your native language – trust me, everyone will be okay with it.
Blase – What You Doin’?
The reason why the song title, group and credits are superimposed all the way through the video is that the people who made this realise how forgettable it is and that there’s no way you’ll remember who they even are if they don’t remind you 30 times each second.
Boxer45 – Show Must Go On
Most Korean punk just doesn’t have enough hairs on it to really stand out and this is no exception, but I enjoyed the cute retro gaming video. I’m glad they couldn’t get through that annoying first wonky platform in Prince Of Persia without losing health either.
Salon Wultimum – Game of Death
What sounds better, Americans imitating Asians, or Asians imitating Americans imitating Asians? You be the judge. However some of the fighting abilities do mrcs
Rolling Quartz – Holler
How long do you reckon it will be before Rolling Quartz have a band meeting and sack their super-hot bass player for spending 20% of the time playing bass and the other 80% posing and upstaging them all.
SGO – You are so beautiful
I swore when I clicked on this that it was just going to be another fucking ballad. How wrong was I? You’re not ready for how good this is.
Triss – Shooting Star
Live at Yongma Land! Now we’re talking. Turning that place into a music venue is a great idea, this should be next on the list for the Korean government as soon as they’ve finished vaccinating everyone.
Silk Music Fusion – Standing On The Bow
Not sure if I’ve translated this group name or song name correctly, but I think I found the girls that M.O.N.T are dating.
BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK
A-yeon V-log #8 – Who’s hungry?
Clearly having seen VelvetTube‘s cooking video, A-yeon is taking the competition head-on, and has stepped up to the plate to score a point for the leading Korean YouTube channel that creepy men like me watch. A-yeon’s cooking video sports a near-identical narration style and it’s pretty obvious from some of her carrot-shaking moves that she’s royally taking the piss here. The results are impressive – while physically A-yeon definitely isn’t my type as much as VelvetTube, she makes up the shortfall by being a musician, having much better music in her video, being a musician and actually getting some cooking done at a reasonable speed. Then just in case that isn’t enough to appeal to Kpopalypse, she even inserts cats at the end – now here’s a girl who knows exactly what it takes to be popular on the Internet. Now VelvetTube just has to start doing heavy metal drum covers and Muay Thai kickboxing instead of whatever “top secret” bullshit she’s doing on Patreon (holy shit VelvetTube has a $1500 tier and it’s not even a parody), and the cycle of fap will be complete.
That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!
KPOPALYPSE 
Gratata is the biggest pile of shit I ever had the misfortune to listen to (and I’m familiar with Anal Cunt’s work). This is Black Pink’s legacy to K-Pop… thank you very much YG 🙂
Norazo’s Vegetable is somehow the unholy union of Celtic Punk and cheesy Symphonic Metal. It’s like Flogging Molly meets Rhapsody seen through the lens of a trot-adjacent comedy-variety act, but I somehow can’t get enough of it. I think it’s that chord progression into that sledgehammer of a major chord at the end of the chorus that really does it for me.
Carrot-shaking moves are very entertaining; choreographers should take note.
I falled for itzy so hard i need kpopalypse oppar to give me an unbiased review of their song.
And yeah sadly it’s just three notes 😂😂😭.