It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out some new releases!

Purple Kiss – Ponzona

The visual style is absolutely blowing me away here.  The music is lagging behind a bit, and while it isn’t bad it’s definitely completely overshadowed by the costuming, styling and set design of what is one of the prettiest “box” k-pop videos in recent memory.

Majors – Spit It Out

Total trash, featuring most of everything wrong with k-pop girl group songs in 2021, in the one song.

Majors – Stronger

Their other song fares a little better in that it’s only boring super-slow reggae-lite nobody wants to listen to, instead of a creation from the pits of k-pop trend-riding hell.

Rosé – On The Ground

YG got sick of you Rose fans begging for a solo so he gave you this 2NE1 second-half-of-the-album mid-paced filler track that you would have skipped over back in 2013 to get to the other songs you actually wanted to hear on the album.  Be careful what you wish for.

Soyou – Good Night, My Love

Just fuck off if you’re going to do ballads thanks.  Even the most hardcore Sistar fan doesn’t want to hear this.

Dreamcatcher – Poison Love

Come on, Dreamcatcher.  “Love Shake” or “Raining Blood” – pick a direction and go there.  None of this halfway “it’s pop but it’s maybe kind of dark or something” bullshit.  Shit or get off the pot.

Punch – My Everything

Punch is more attractive than your bias and this video is all about letting you know this so you forgive the rubbish song.

Punch ft. Real.be – I’m Jealous

I’m not sure what Punch’s excellent OST songwriters do on their days off but it’s certainly not writing any decent songs for Punch as a solo artist.

Lim Kim – Mago

Watch every other k-pop publication shower praise on this absolute bullshit which is literally just a dull rhythm track and nothing else, just because Lim Kim demonstrates that can put the words “woman”, “power”, “wisdom” and “strong” in the same sentence.  People are so easily fooled.

Yongyong ft. Davii – Baby I Hate Me Now

Hey, we have something in common, I listened to this song and I hate you now too!

WayV – Kick Back

I think the songwriter was kicking back and having a few brews instead of getting to work and writing a fucking tune.

Pentagon – Do Or Not

Pentagon’s best since “Shine” features some nice Twice-style melodic quirks and a really weird farting bass noise that is oddly compelling.

Ciipher – I Like You

Wait for some dumbass Winner fan to complain that he’s sitting on top of a box that says “Winner” on it and that’s “plagiarism” of Winner the group or some shit.

Rain ft. Jacksong Wang – Magnetic

I’d rather listen to “Gang“.

Dontgiveafuck – Moon

Yes that really is the band title.  Sounds like a plan.

Cravity – Bad Habits

I’m actually really digging the synths on this one and the unusual backing choices in general.  It just lacks some kind of melody to tie it all together.

Ghost9 – Seoul

Does anyone have a version of this with English subs?  I hate asking for English subs like an annoying white western cuntosaur but I really want to know if they’re beating M.O.N.T at their own game here.

IZ – Say Yes

IZ are here to come and save us with some actual rock and… it’s a ballad.  Oh well.  Next time I guess.

W24 – Breath

Where’s the bass player?  Cancelled.

Raffina & Cavi – Woo-hoo Song

I guess this is him here given how this group is a bass player and not much else.  Maybe these guys and W24 can all get together and be a proper band or something.

Jun.K – Hide And Seek, 1995

It’s certainly jun.k.

Demian ft. Dawn – Love%

Just the usual disco funk stuff that all the boys do when they go solo.

Woodz – Feel Like

A really genuinely cool bass track and sadly very little else to care about.

Eldon – Law

That circle on his arm is where they put the machine to remove the bad thoughts.

Kisnue – Nightmare

Boring 90s style britpop wank.

Buzz – Analogue

Look you little shit, stop bothering the older kids they’re doing important social networking, take your cat and fuck off.

Yey – Dawn

It’s kind of the same thing all the way through, but it’s a good same thing so I didn’t mind.

Choi Jungyoon – Dalla

If “Dalla” is going to become an “it” word in Korea thanks to Itzy, I might have to start one of those slave rooms up to fuck with their careers some more.

Homezone – Forevermore

You’re doing it wrong.  Nose against the wall and stop singing until you reflect.

Nuitnuit – Lune

I kept waiting for him to fall off that concrete block and split his head open and then the song to turn to thrash metal like the intro to a Troma Team film.  So much lost potential in k-pop I swear.

Red House – Perpetual (Night Ver)

When I said that I thought a lot of k-pop ballads sound like a mummified corpse could do a better job, I didn’t expect someone to take up the challenge and prove me wrong.  Anyway I take it back, the mummified corpse singing sounds just as shit as everything else.

Jiselle ft. Changmo – Language

Warbling R&B nonsense that will get a 99%+ positive rating on YouTube but that everyone will have forgotten even exists at all in a month.

Flat Earth Society – Breaking News

I clicked the balloon to fix the problem like the video said, and the song stopped playing!  The problem was indeed solved, thank you guys so much!

Don Mills ft. Northfacegawd, Uneducated Kid – Daebak Life

I know that in Korea, Northface clothes is what all the hip iljin kids wear, but to anyone in any other country you just look like your dad going out in the rain to rake the pathway.

Jule – Kidult

Isn’t “Kidult” the worst word in the world.  I bet it’s a word pedophiles use when they’re grooming children to make them feel more safe.  Fucking gross.  This song deserves the bin for that reason alone, before we even get to the shit R&B aspect.

Jaedal – Dying Breed

If you’re waiting for it to suddenly explode into some cool rock song, no, it doesn’t do that.  That would be too interesting and fun, we can’t have too much of that in the Korean music scene.

Simon Dominic – Party Forever

I don’t know why, but the person who submitted this song gave me two choices for the video link – a “live” version (that really wasn’t, like most “live” videos in k-pop), or this 8 hour loop version.  I thought I’d give the 8 hour version a go, because while the song is obviously total trash, I can imagine 8 hours of Simon Dominic in a loop is probably useful for torturing someone you don’t like, and we all know that one person, so hopefully you get some good use out of this.

Mind Combined – Singularity

Annoyingly pitching up every rhyming syllable like Eminem does isn’t just irritating to listen to in general, it also isn’t really a very good idea if you can’t rap that well, because it just highlights how bad your rhymes are.

Ahn Byeong Woong – Walkin’ Down The Street

It’s nearly okay but that nowhere guitar riff is boring as fuck, it could have been replaced with something better surely.

Ahn Byeong Woong – Eyes On U

It’s better than this rubbish though.  Just stop singing, nobody wants to hear rappers sing, or even half-sing or whatever this whiny crap is.

Ian Ka$h ft. Sway D & Kor Kash – Outta Here

Now if the beat of the song two songs up was combined with the keys from this song, we might actually have one good song instead of two shit songs.

Vinxen – Flying High With You

Vinxen looks like a guy I used to know who had a weird shaped head because he’d always get into fights and he’d always lose.  Sorry that’s the most interesting thing I’ve got to say about this song.

DPR Ian – Nerves

Actually not too bad, it has both the catchiness and rhythmic punch that a lot of other Korean rock music lacks.

Dark Mirror Ov Tragedy – Possession

Don’t be shocked that this group exists – South Korea in 2021 is a country which is more modern than most and they have every musical style that anybody else has.  Sure, they’re lagging behind on musical counterculture and the sound here is really very polite by black metal standards, but they at least nailed the look (pun intended).

BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK

Maid Velvet will make you some brownies

I feel like I’ve neglected Korean lifestyle content on this blog, so here’s an educational video on how to make brownies.  Note that as Velvet here is quite new to cooking, she makes some newbie kitchen mistakes, so here’s some helpful tips because Kpopalypse cares about your cooking efficiency and OH&S compliance.  Firstly, you should never butter a pan prior to using it for baking with a fork as this can scratch and ruin the pan surface, which is quite sensitive to scratches from harsh metal cutlery.  Most modern pans are non-stick so buttering a pan isn’t really needed but if you feel that you need or want to anyway, because you have an old pan without a non-stick surface, or the non-stick surface of your pan is already ruined from previous contact with metal objects, just use your fingers to spread the butter around the surface.  Also most flour these days is machine-sifted before it’s even packaged for sale so there’s no real need to sift it yourself unless it’s been sitting around forever, any lumps will disintegrate during mixing as long as you mix well.  Also I feel like washing dishes in constantly running water is very wasteful, better to fill the sink partway with water and detergent, it will clean dishes faster and you’ll use less detergent overall too so you’ll save money and resources on two fronts here, even if you need to fill the sink a second time due to it getting disgusting from the floating brownie residue.  On the plus side, her overall technique is very good, key moments are whisking at 3:08, mixing at 7:30, sifting flour and cocoa at 8:20, preparing the brownie pan at 12:49, and don’t forget your stretches as shown at 14:48 as extended sessions in the kitchen can be strenuous and can cause stiffness in muscles and joints.  Hopefully you enjoy this video and it inspires you to make some brownies of your own!

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That’s all for this week – Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!