Kpopalypse is back to tackle the big important questions about bullying in this special k-pop bullying post!
Everybody loves hot spicy bullying allegations, and gosh k-pop sure is delivering lately, for reasons. Of course every k-pop website out there is now spamming articles about this for web traffic, however I feel like even the best of these articles are missing something important (although srs thanks Asian Junkie for tolerating compiling all this garbage so I didn’t have to research anything). Sure, we can speculate all day about who did what to who, and who’s really to blame in these circumstances, but who really gives a fuck? Are we ever going to find out the real truth in these circumstances? Probably not for years, if at all. However what we certainly can determine very quickly, is how aegyo these accusations are. Come with Kpopalypse on a journey into extreme classy-sexiness as we use our high determination levels to determine the bullying trufax!
Soojin – G-Idle
Soojin allegedly dragged someone into a shopping mall toilet and sold them heavily discounted beer, plus offered to wear other students’ shitty school uniforms so they could go and get better clothes. Seems like a saint to me. She also encouraged people not to ride motorbikes, by saying she had never ridden one. That’s the way, Soojin! They’re called “donorcycles” for a reason, don’t you know. Soojin gets 8 out of 10 aegyo points for these OH&S compliant deeds.
Minggyu – Seventeen
Minggyu allegedly has very accurate throwing skills, and is able to land a drink bottle cap directly on someone’s head at over 50 paces. Wow, that’s talented! Minggyu gets 8/10 points for this exceptional display of talent which is far more useful than anything dumb that k-pop fans think matter but really doesn’t like singing ability, especially when you’re in a group with 235 other guys who can all cover for you if needed. There’s Autotune for the voice, but nobody has invented an electronic device that can fake a throw for you with such milimeter-precision.
Chuu – Loona
Chuu allegedly told some smelly kid in school that they smelled disgusting like a rat and needed to wash their hair. Don’t we all know these days with global pandemics about how serious this is. Just a little uncleanliness now might seem like nothing much, but leaving germs unwashed can be dangerous to many down the track. It’s a good thing that Chuu was looking out for school hygiene, no wonder she later graduated to saving the world with Elon Musk. Chuu gets 8 out of 10 aegyo points, which probably doesn’t seem like much, but she started with a handicap of minus 239587123 aegyo points just for being Chuu. We have to be fair here.
Hyunjin – Stray Kids
Hyunjin allegedly saw some fat fuck kid pigging out on a huge meal like the piggy he is and said “listen you slug, you don’t need any more nutrition, why don’t you waddle over and share some of your meal with these other kids who are poor and starving?” Gosh, Hyunjin seems like a gent to me, when was the last time you actually did something as meaningful as feed a starving child? People are going hungry every day around the world making the latest iShit device for you to consume and throw away two years later when you crack the screen because you put it in your back pocket and forgot about it and then sat down on it like a dunce, yet the sum total of your input into society is bitching on a k-pop forum about how someone is “cancelled” because they used a naughty word, and here is Hyunjin putting in the hard yards, having the tough conversations nobody else dares to, and not even being appreciated. 8/10 aegyo points for hero Hyunjin.
Aisha – Everglow
Aisha allegedly told a girl who was dating her ex-boyfriend that she should be careful not to go too far too soon, in an official statement passed from Aisha to the girl at the school lockers on graph paper “I went further than you did, that’s why I’m not seeing him now, I just wanted a quick peck on the cheek but he went fully in with the tongue and everything and I think I have herpes now, watch out for that guy”. Observant Everglow fans will have noticed that Aisha has been wearing thick red lipstick ever since to hide the scars, but at least she helped out a female friend with this cautionary tale. 8 out of 10 points for caring and (not) sharing.
Kihyun – Monsta X
Kihyun allegedly got a kid in high school to stop smoking by taking his money off him so he couldn’t buy cigarettes. When that didn’t work and the other kid kept smoking anyway, he then took the cigarettes instead. Rumour has it that the classmate who was once a smoker is now too traumatised to even consider smoking, and gets extreme PTSD just from even thinking about cigarettes. Good work Kihyun, with tactics like these we can save an entire generation of young people from this bad habit, 8 out of 10 aegyo points for you!
Soyeon – G-Idle
Soyeon allegedly asked someone who was having a birthday what she was going to receive. Maybe Soyeon had an upbringing like my own where both me and my brother would get presents at the same time to prevent fights, on birthdays the person who was not having a birthday would get a crapola “consolation present” which wouldn’t be quite as good, but you couldn’t be too jealous or complain that much because at least you got something too even if it was just small. It actually worked really well to shut my little brat ass up – good on Soyeon for promoting this unique but effective parenting strategy, 8 out of 10 aegyo points for you.
Sunwoo – The Boyz
Sunwoo allegedly was addicted to smoking, but always made sure that he left the school grounds to smoke, so as to not upset anybody with nasty smells, nor encourage others to start smoking because young impressionable students might see him and think “omg look at Sunwoo with his cigarette omigosh he looks so aegyo I bet he becomes a k-pop one day uwu”. This is clearly worth a solid 8 out of 10 aegyo points.
Hyuna allegedly saw a girl about to be slapped around the head by three nasty people, and carefully removed her glasses first, so they wouldn’t get broken when the girl got hit. Glasses are expensive, what parents can afford to buy their child new glasses just because the little careless shits get into a fight? Good on Hyuna for looking out for bullying victims and their parents’ financial wellbeing, now that’s definitely worthy of 8 out of 10 points.
G-Dragon – BigBang
G-Dragon allegedly bullied Blackpink’s Jennie into a relationship for a whole year, using tactics probably learned from YG oppar to entice her to visit his house after schedules so he could be in her area. This would have begun only a few short months after I saw Jennie live in person, no wonder she was traumatised enough to come running into the understanding arms of G-Dragon. “There there, I’ll protect you from that mean Kpopalypse person who keeps putting you in header images for no reason, you’re safe with me as long as you never tour Australia again” he probably whispered into her ear as she dribbled hot tears onto his BB cream-stained shirt, sobbing “am I only a meme to him?” Clearly this is very aegyo and not at all creepy because even though there’s a whopping great age difference and G-Dragon knew Jennie since she was a fetus, who the fuck else except G-D is actually going to understand what it’s like to be the A-list celeb in YG Entertainment? They’re probably the only two people on earth who can actually hold a conversation about roughly 500 topics that only the two of them know anything about at all, if they break up I’m not sure if either of them even have any other fucking options. 8 out of 10, clearly.
That’s all for this post – I hope this was educational! Kpopalypse will return with more posts in due course!