It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!
Aespa – Forever
It’s actually really good to get some fairly still slow-cut camera shots of the Aespa girls because up until now I wasn’t even really that sure what they looked like. Don’t know where their “CGI avatar” concept went though, guess SM read my fanfiction about it, saw the potential danger and binned the idea faster than Super Junior’s rotating member concept.
Momoland, Chromance – Wrap Me In Plastic
I can’t remember who did the original of this song, but Momoland’s version has the same problem that every other version has – an arpeggio makes an underwhelming chorus. Even if they look better doing it than anyone else to date.
Purple Kiss – Can We Talk Again
Saved from the pits of ballad depression by some great bass guitar work. Ignore the vocals completely and crank that bass!
IZ*ONE – D-d-dance
While nothing all that great, it’s b-b-better than most of their other s-s-shit. Sorry that this bootleg video is so j-j-juddery and low-res, the price we pay for trying to squeeze content out of Japan I guess.
Ravi ft. Chillin Homie, Kid Milli – Tiger
Fuck these rappers, it’s the (cruelly uncredited in the title) backing vocalists that make this.
Qodes – #Be Me
Playing the Wonder Girls style “cool sci-fi intro segues into a song that doesn’t live up to the hype” card, I see.
Qodes – Nu Shoes
And again. Hey it’s not too bad but what a fucking letdown after the intro. Sci-fi authors did us all a disservice decades ago for not predicting this shit and warning us.
(G)I-Dle – Hwaa (Dimitri Vegas & Like Mike Remix)
A surprisingly not-complete-shit remix because it actually puts the pace on a bit, which is more than welcome especially for the usually sludgy and pedestrian (G)I-dle, but boy do western remixers tackling k-pop always go for the most generic beat choices known to man.
Hyuna – Good Girl
It’s impossible not to like Hyuna because she unquestionably has the right attitude to life and her place in the k-pop diaspora. Now if only she could get the music right.
Cix – Cinema
The cool guitar riffs aren’t quite enough to distract from the horrible melodic choices and get this one over the line.
Sechskies – Don’t Look Back
Look at these guys trying to be all sensitive and shit. Stop trying to convince us that you’re sensitive and grown up and just put the dick back into the fucking pussy already.
Victon – Flip A Coin
It’s not that different to pretty much any generic boy thing, but for some reason I couldn’t stop laughing while listening to this. I’m still trying to work out why. Maybe it’s because I’m Australian and the idea of a k-pop sweg song about two-up seems kind of hilarious.
Kim Myungsoo/L – Memory
The problem with k-pop boy groups isn’t the songs that they have when they’re together, which are sometimes quite decent. It’s the shit solo ballads that come later when they “grow up” and try to sell themselves as “mature” so they can hang onto the teenage fans they collected in their group heyday after those fans grow into their 20s and 30s.
Kim Wooseok – Sugar
That’s totally an illegal chess move. Kim Wooseok cancelled.
Raiden, Baekhyun, Changmo – Runner
Faker might have cried when he lost that grand final three years ago but not as hard as he’s making music lovers cry by being involved in this garbage.
Se So Neon – Jayu
Acoustic-strumming wispy-vocals bollocks, the cancer of the 1990s.
Movning – Magellan
Nothing interesting happening here, feel free to be movn on to the next song.
Choi Gonne – Please Give Me A Water
First you become a k-pop, then you get a water, then you get the review in Kpopalypse roundup. I don’t know what this song is about but it’s fucking depressing in an almost pleasant ambient way, like when I used to play This Mortal Coil albums in the background while I was playing Lords Of Midnight on the Commodore 64 because that game was completely soundless and the minimalist bleakness and complete lack of joy or humour in both just seemed to fit together. No wonder I completely fucked my brain chemistry for the next dozen years after that.
Lee Joo Young ft. Earip – It’s Snowing
Sometimes ballads on the nugu channels surprise you by being actually really good. And sometimes they’re just boring generic turds like this.
Youra – Mimi
Yeah this is not exciting.
Paxy ft. QM – Me Feel So Good
Well I’m glad someone feels good.
Jackingcong – Curly Hair
Is it really that hard to rock out a bit. Come on guys, enough of this smooth shit. Who joins a band and dreams of making music like this.
Gaeko, Kwon Jin Ah – I Feel Like
For fuck’s sake. It’s like they’re taunting me.
Babylon ft. Lee Hyori – Alone
The dreary acoustic ballads just keep coming.
Babylon – Chandelier
This guy released three songs this week and couldn’t be upbeat on a single one.
Babylon – Don’t Go In The Rainbow
Ballads are no fun. Ballads endanger the life and happiness of millions. It must stop. We appeal in particular to the youth of today. Stop the ballads! There are better things in life.
Groovyroom ft. Nucksal, Don Mills – By Your Color
You know it’s a bad week in k-pop when the trap beat by Groovyroom featuring Nucksal and Don Mills actually sounds pretty good.
Bloo – Drama
Even this garbage doesn’t completely suck to my ear, it has a kind of mantra-ish quality to it than isn’t awful.
Kid Milli, Dress ft. Ron – Face & Mask
“Face and mask shit”? Is this a coronavirus song, or just rappers being boring? Even the gear-change halfway through can’t save it.
Colde – Wolf
I did snap my fingers to this a bit, but only to get the rigor mortis out.
Bobby – BrEAk It DoWn
I bet Lee Hi and Suhyun aren’t lusting after him any more.
Gaho – Home
Don’t trust guys who wear turtlenecks. They do that to give you a false sense of security and before you know it you’re getting dragged into some club you don’t want to go to and your date is getting all agressive because you won’t give out your phone number.
Daybreak ft. Heize – Doesn’t Make Sense
There’s a good song here somewhere but someone decided to half-tempo it and try to make it “groovy” instead of “kick ass” and it’s just completely the wrong kind of feel.
NeighBro – Maybe
My brother asked me if I liked this song and I said “nay, bro”. Then he said “yeah I know their name, but do you like it or not?” – we went around like that for a while.
Leewoo – Parting Place
Cheer up and stop crying in your fucking videos. It’s South Korea, not fucking Syria. Anyone reading this who is actually from Syria, you are allowed to cry during this, and nobody else.
Moonsound ft. flowER – Agit
Music is more than just texture. No point going all 80s if you’re just going to ramble dull R&B over it.
BORING SINGING IN THE BORING COUNTRYSIDE SECTION
Gemini – Know Me
Despite me living in one of the most aesthetically bleak parts of the entire world, it’s amazing how even more boring most Korean countryside can look in k-pop music videos.
Del.Mo – Shower
You can tell this isn’t Australia because the fire department would be clearing out all those twigs or insisting on a burn-off.
Msftz – Facetime, Face Me
Why do people in music videos just let the snow fall on them like it’s no big thing. I’ve never actually been in a snowfall but I do know that snow happens when it’s colder than rain and winter rain is already kind of cold and unpleasant and not the type of shit you want to smother your hair in like conditioner, so I’m guessing snow is worse? Fuck being a k-pop.
BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK
Han Seo Hee – Seoheechopath (teaser)
Han Seo Hee has a YouTube channel and even though there’s no English subs and I don’t even know what the fuck this channel is for, I’m here for it. I’m going to leave the context-adding commentary to the reader who kindly alerted me to this after I expressed interest in my livestream about her channel:
This is Han Seo Hee’s YouTube channel just in case you could not find it. It’s called “Seoheechopath”. There is only one video uploaded and it’s full of hate comments written by international fans. The Korean comments are not saying anything negative about Seo Hee. In fact, they are making fun of international fans hating on Seo Hee because she exposed their oppas. Some Korean comments are hating on Seo Hee, but they are clearly written by international fans who pretend to be Korean. The awkward spacing, out-of-date words, and unnecessary use of 당신 are giving it away.
Thanks, caonima! Han Seo Hee is so classy, pretty and truthful. Stan the legend.
That’s all for this week’s Kpopalypse roundup – more next week!