It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!
Cherry Bullet – Love So Sweet
Ah, an FNC Entertainment group comes out with a genuinely good song. I’m sure that this will instantly result in their worldwide fame, plus better conditions at their dorms and the company really looking after their physical and mental health, right FNC?
Berrygood – Time For Me
Plodding and dull. Berry Good have been average ever since the guy who wrote all their great early songs passed away. Sehyung still best girl though.
Pink Fantasy – Lemon Candy
Pink Fantasy just went full (G)I-dle and they don’t do it any better than (G)I-dle do. Ironically sucking is still sucking.
Saturday – Only You
Almost has Year 7 Class 1 energy, but the songwriting isn’t quite up to the mark.
Chungha – X
Imagine a giant Chungha walking through your neighbourhood, boring everyone to death.
Hynn – With And Without You
The girl would rather be knitting a sweater than listening to this, and so would I.
Minseo – Who’s With Me?
Haeri – Congratulations
This is just a behind the scenes from her other song last week, which is kind of clever even if it’s also really lame.
Oneus – No Diggity
They try to perk it up a bit at the end with the double-time doof-doofs but it can’t hide that the basic building blocks of a good song just aren’t here.
Golden Child – Burn It
I’m sure that one of the guys in the group said “burn it!” in the studio and the producer misheard him as thinking he was suggesting a song title, when what he really meant was that he literally did want the producer to burn all copies of this trash.
Cravity – My Turn
Bobby – U Mad
I’m not mad, just disappointed.
Yeji Kim – Scared
If you’ve ever wondered what the soundtrack to a Bob Dylan fan hanging out with a furry would sound like, here you go.
Sunkyoung – Your Shadow
Boring artsy piano ballad wank.
Yozoh – Quince Tree
That’s some nice acoustic guitar work there and we all love a white t-shirt and blue jeans video concept, not much of a song on top though.
Yeo Journey – Algorithm
Really it doesn’t make a good first impression, but I actually thought this was kind of cool, stick with it.
Eian – It’s Snowing
Sir, I appreciate the effort to spice up the look, but some people in this hospital have allergies, you know.
Korean Man – Bangmulga
Oh my lord. This is a troll, right?
Lee Hee-Moon – Chool-In-Ga
Look at that thumbnail, and imagine what you think this will sound like. Guess what, you’re totally wrong, and whatever you imagined was way better.
The FSM – Silly Me
“Road worn” new instruments are such a scam. They always charge a premium for someone to scuff it up a little. Just buy a brand new one for cheaper and “road wear” it your fucking self. The only plus side of the “road worn” trend is now it’s a lot easier to sell a used instrument if it has a scratch or two.
Achtung – All I Want Is Killing You
Eerie song title, maybe they don’t mean it like that, but maybe they do and this is the guy who offed Iron. I think I’d rather have Iron to be honest – sure he was a domestic abuser, a child beater and a dumb violent thug who deserved lots of jail time in general but at least he didn’t sing jazz.
Song Yong Jin – The Cold Winter, West Sea
That girl is just there to be looked at. This isn’t any better or horse than hardcore porn, just less honest.
Colde – Lighter
I had low expectations but the distorted bass guitar sounds great and the song really rocks.
Colde – The Museum
His other song also has good bass guitar but kind of really sucks though.
Gwangil Jo – Depersonalization
Gwangil Jo has no chill, and I really like that about him, because literally every other Korean rapper or independent musician ever has far too much chill and is freezing me to death.
Uzsun – Covideodrome
Not another COVID song. We’re all sick of hearing about the virus okay? That’s why it’s so hard to get people to comply with social distancing etc, people are just so over it already that they throw caution to the wind. The least people can do to lighten the psychological load on all of us is stop writing songs about it.
Brick – Good Morning
I thought it was a good morning but now I’m not so sure.
Groovyroom ft. Hoody – Follow The Light
Hoody always sucks, she’s like the female Grey.
Chaeree ft. IV – Friend
I guess “visualiser” means “this is a music video but we couldn’t be fucked putting in any actual effort”.
Bumkey ft. None – Letter To Heaven
If I was the angel receiving this letter I think I would return it to sender.
Collective Arts, Ian – Superficial
It’s someone doing “that” voice again.
Meego – 1/10
Accurate song title of the week.
Muzie – Hide And Seek
If you’re going to stand around in the snow at least move around a bit so you can keep your body heat up. Maybe also sing a faster song too. Why do you think all those extreme metal bands come from Scandinavia, it’s fucking cold over there and dressing up in leather and metal spikes and playing fast music saves on heating costs.
LambC – Emotional
Have you ever wondered what the “C” in LambC stands for? I’m thinking maybe “Chops”.
E The – Song For You
What’s she listening to on the CD player? Not Slayer’s “Reign In Blood”, I suspect.
Yang Da Il – Hurt
Imagine having a label called Brand New Music where literally nothing on it sounds like it couldn’t have been written ten years ago at least.
Han Heejun – Moving On
That must be a really cheap SM58 knockoff microphone for him to be holding it that gingerly. It’s probably like those mics that you buy in the electronics store for $20 that have the redundant on-off switch, the brittle plastic housing and the crappy built in cable that you can’t detach and that makes static noise whenever it rubs against carpet. Don’t buy cheap shitty microphones guys, you never know when you need to smash someone in the face with one and the budget ones will break every time.
Hoppipolla – Your Ocean
Warning sign: two people standing next to each other and facing away from each other. Even the guitar solo can’t save this one.
12Dal, Anne-Marie Allen – Light Up
Enjoy the non-specific positivity of this generic-as-they-come R&B studio hack job.
Joe Aram – Toto
I don’t think anyone loves their dog as much as Joe Aram.
Langyee – As Time Goes By
Starts off as visually dreary as it gets, but wait for it.
Noovv – Missing You
All that “wind farms noise pollution” stuff is a bunch of crap, but I wish it were true because it would mean that we wouldn’t have to hear this guy. I just want him to walk too close to one of those rotating blades.
RANDOM BONUS VIDEO OF THE WEEK
Kerrigan May – Sex Like A Pickle (Teaser)
Watching teasers before a song is released is dumb, because all music videos are advertising, so a teaser is therefore an ad for an ad. Do you really want to be a company’s bitch that much? If the answer to that is “well okay, that’s a good point”, do you know when you SHOULD watch teasers? AFTER the full video comes out, then you can learn something about marketing. In this teaser, I learned that Kerrigan May is attractive and that she shouted a bunch of people who helped out with this video fried chicken after it came out. Now that’s pretty cool, definitely someone to stan instead of whatever loser rap guy everyone else thinks is important.
That’s all for this week – Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!