It’s the return of the only k-pop related awards that matter – time to check out who is walking the red carpet at the 2020 Kpopalypse Awards!

THE 2020 KPOPALYPSE AWARDS

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THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKEY LIKEY DIS TEAR” KOREAN NETIZEN TEAR EXTRACTION AND PRESERVATION AWARD 2020

Who specifically made Korean fans cry hardest in 2020?

Nominees:

Jennie (Blackpink) – for promoting the nursing profession as a desirable career in 2020

Yuta (NCT) – for making friends in the wrong places

Jaejoong (JYJ) – for getting #1 on Kpopalypse’s favourite songs of 2020 list… oh wait, April Fools

BoA – for raiding the jelly snacks

and the winner is:

YUTA

Jennie, Jaejoong and BoA all were involved in some stuff that really managed to piss a lot of Koreans off.  However, Yuta on the other hand didn’t even do anything, it was what his friend did that was the issue.  His friend must surely be having a good time at his expense – I can’t even imagine all the stupid shit I would get up to if I knew other people were going to be the ones who would be punished for it.  The judging panel at The Kpopalypse Awards are always very impressed with “minimum effort, maximum result” activities, so we can’t help but hand this award to this well-deserved NCT member.  Good work, Yuta!

 

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THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKEY LIKEY DAT TEAR” GLOBAL K-POP NETIZEN TEAR EXTRACTION AND PRESERVATION AWARD 2020

Who specifically made international fans cry hardest in 2020?

Nominees:

Minah (ex-ILUV) – for showing that nobody really cares about bullying in k-pop

Mina (ex-AOA) – for showing that nobody really cares about bullying in k-pop

Haena (ex-ANS) – for showing that nobody really cares about bullying in k-pop

Kaachi – for showing that nobody really cares about bullying in k-pop

and the winner is:

KAACHI

International K-pop fans pretended that they cared about bullying a whole lot in 2020, but if you want to see what the real relationship between k-pop fans and bullying is, just debut some people from your own neighborhood in a k-pop group and watch k-pop fans switch their attitude to “we’re gonna get you after school” in the blink of an eye.  There’s nothing that international k-pop fans love more than some hot spicy cyberbullying, especially if they can also be bigoted at the same time, so when UK-based multi-racial k-pop wannabees Kaachi surfaced it was all aboard the hate-train for endless “I’mnotracistbut gosh is this really a good idea” and “I’mnotracistbut OMG what do you think of this new group can we really trust them with our k-pops” articles, forum discussions and videos galore.  Sure, their songs haven’t exactly been great, but they also weren’t any worse than half the crap your faves put out this year.  Kpopalypse is cheering on Kaachi for 2021!

 

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THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKE DIS LIKE DAT YEAH” K-RAP CREDIBILITY AWARD 2020

Who had the freshest, flyest hip-hop style of 2020?

Nominees:

Agust D/Suga (BTS) – for his commitment to enhancing his music’s atmosphere

Ilhoon (ex-BTOB) – for augmenting his rap credibility with some chemical appreciation

Iron – for just being his usual fun-loving self

Gowon (Loona) – for not doing any of the above

and the winner is:

GO WON

Plenty of rappers tried hard to increase their hip-hop credibility in 2020, but when you’re the one true hip-hop master of all the k-pops, you don’t have to try.  Go Won tried so little that she didn’t even rap in half of the songs she was in this year, and was able to bring home the best song of 2020 as a result anyway.  Now that’s the kind of confidence other hip-hop legends only dream of.  Thanks, Gowon!

 

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THE KPOPALYPSE “SHUBIDUBI SHALALALA URIDURI YAYAYAYA” CROSS-CULTURAL K-POP SENSITIVITY AWARD 2020

Who raised more awareness of cultural sensitivities than any other idol in 2020?

Nominees:

MCND – for appreciating the music of Black American culture

Yooa (Oh My Girl) – for appreciating the music of Black American culture

Blackpink – for giving Indian god Ganesha his k-pop debut

Dreamcatcher – for promoting Native American culture with their name and imagery

and the winner is:

BLACKPINK

If you’re like the majority of k-pop fans outside of India, you probably didn’t even know that the Indian elephant god’s name was Ganesha, that is, until Blackpink snuck the Hindu deity into one of the world’s most popular music videos.  That’s the kind of instant brand recognition that’s usually far out of reach for Eastern religious icons, so you can bet your ass that a very thankful Ganesha will one day be welcoming the Blackpink girls into his divine area for free elephant rides with Sulli and Goo Hara as thanks for their lifetime promotional services, and keeping all the windbags who complained (probably BTS ARMYs trying to take out their main competition in 2020) out in the cold.  Next time you’re ready to complain about Blackpink’s lack of religious sensitivity, think back to the last time you gave another culture’s god that much free promotion.  The Hindu gods bless Blackpink and so does Kpopalypse!

 

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THE KPOPALYPSE “C’MON C’MON MAKE IT, C’MON C’MON TAKE IT” AWARD FOR STUNNING ACHIEVEMENT IN THE FIELD OF K-POP GENDER RELATIONS 2020

Who did more to highlight important gender issues in k-pop in 2020?

Nominees:

Wonjin (ex-Stray Kids) – for his commitment to extreme classy-sexiness

Jessica (ex-Girls’ Generation) – for highlighting gender issues in her completely fictional book

Ari (ex-Yellowbee) – for revealing her company’s working conditions

Dandi (producer – Saturday) – for even more extreme classy-sexiness

and the winner is:

JESSICA

In Jessica Jung’s completely fictional book about a k-pop star that is definitely fictional and not based on any real events whatsoever, she finds quite a few different ways to make it clear that females in the completely fictional k-pop industry depicted in the book get completely and utterly shat on, and have very little freedom or authority compared to male group members even at the same high tiers of success.  Of course I’m sure this is just a narrative device to make the completely fictional book a bit more interesting, in fact I don’t even know why I put this here, maybe it’s just so you go and read her book, after all don’t we all love a good fictional fiction story of fiction where everything is completely made up, yes we do.  Have an award anyway, Jessica!

 

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THE KPOPALYPSE “BLING BLING JEWELRY CHAIN” 2020 AWARD FOR THE K-POP PERFORMER MOST WILLING TO GO THE EXTRA MILE TO PAY OFF THEIR TRAINEE DEBTS

Who paid down their company debts in the boldest, most daring ways in 2020?

Nominees:

The Rose – for trying to get out of a contract

ANS – for trying to get out of a contract

Kyulkyung (ex-Pristin) – for trying to get out of a contract

Daisy (ex-Momoland) – for trying to get out of a contract

and the winner is:

KYULKYUNG

K-pop contracts in general weren’t seen as very cool or groovy in 2020 with many k-pop artists trying to extract themselves from contractual obligations by any means necessary.  What’s different in Kyulkyung’s case is that she couldn’t even be fucked setting foot in Korea to do it.  Clearly she wants to add the extra profit of saving on airfare onto her contract termination settlement, I guess flights must be expensive with all this COVID business but even before then she clearly couldn’t be fucked turning up in the country or even licking a Chinese postage stamp to send Pledis a letter saying “fuck you, pay me”.  This kind of min/maxing profit-seeking activity definitely made her the clear winner, Kpopalypse hopes she collects those Pledis Illuminati coins!

 

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THE KPOPALYPSE “T-ARA LOVE” AWARD FOR THE 2020 K-POP GIRL GROUP DEBUT ABLE TO GENERATE THE MOST HATE FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON OTHER THAN BEING ATTRACTIVE FEMALES THAT OTHER LESS ATTRACTIVE FEMALES ARE JEALOUS OF

Who was the most fearless rookie girl-group punching-bag of 2020?

Nominees:

Secret Number – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

Botopass – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

Kaachi – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

Black Swan – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

and the winner is:

BLACK SWAN

It’s bad enough being a member of a debuting k-pop girl group, what with all the irrational hate that will no doubt be heaped on you from everywhere.  However there’s only one thing worse than debuting in k-pop as a female unit, and that’s debuting in k-pop as a female unit twice.  Black Swan is essentially a reboot of Rania, a veteran k-pop girl group with a rotating lineup that has changed so much over the years that half the personnel that you see in the picture above have probably already moved on by the time you read this.  Still their eternal optimism in the face of near-complete indifference should be rewarded so they collect the award in this category!  Good work Rania I mean BP Rania I mean Black Swan!

 

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THE KPOPALYPSE “BO PEEP BO PEEP” AWARD FOR HIGHLIGHTING LACK OF K-POP FAN CRITICAL THINKING 2020

Who did more to reveal the stupidity of k-pop fans than anybody else in 2020?

Nominees:

Blackpink – for paving the way

Irene (Red Velvet) – for making her fans’ BDSM fantasies come true

Kim Hyun Joong – for regaining his reputation as a knockout star

IZ*ONE – for being 7.494442% more active this year than last

and the winner is:

IRENE

Red Velvet’s Irene (pictured above… pretty sure that’s her) has always had a ton of fans who all dreamed of the day when she would step on them with giant steel-capped boots and crush their souls like bugs.  Now that she has proven that she is very capable of doing just that, suddenly a whole bunch of these so-called Irene fans don’t want to know her anymore.  Maybe Irene’s support staff deserved the harsh treatment, or maybe they didn’t, or maybe they just kept fucking up her hair to piss her off because they wanted her to crack the shits at them because they have the same sexual fetish that Irene’s fans do.  Anyway, it just goes to show that you should be careful what you wish for, because your idol might one day make all your wishes come true, even the ones you posted anonymously on that kink subreddit.  Congratulations Irene!

 

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That’s all for the Kpopalypse Awards for 2020!  Hopefully you have enjoyed tonight’s presentation!  Please make your way out of the auditorium in an orderly manner and don’t disturb the neighbours who absolutely don’t want to hear your inane chatter about the k-pops, some of them are trying to sleep, you know!  Kpopalypse will return!