Kpopalypse’s review of 2020’s anal-licking Christmas k-pop diarrhoea

Hey folks it’s Christmas!  You all know what that means – a big serve of Kpopalypse reviewing all the year’s k-pop Christmas songs!

Everybody loves Christmas – even if the only reason why we love it this time around is that it means 2020 is nearly ending and maybe 2021 will suck a little less for the human race.  However what we definitely don’t love is shitty Christmas k-pop comebacks, and that’s what this post is all about, so it’s probably a great idea if you stop reading this site right now and go to a much better k-pop site that isn’t stupid enough to list out all the Christmas crap nobody cares about, I’ve heard there’s plenty of them out there so why not go and read them instead of complaining about how this site makes you miserable.  You’re doing it to yourself, you know.  However if you’re crazy enough to still be reading this far into the post, boy do we have some shit songs for you here at kpopalypse dot com yes we do.  Let’s get into them! 

Rules for this list:

  • Released in 2020
  • Songs are presented in chronological order of release
  • Christmas k-pop concepts only!  Generic “winter”, “snow” or “seasonal” k-pop concepts with no specific Christmas content do not qualify!
  • Songs must have some form of official MV even if it’s just a video where a dude hangs a camera out a window and takes a Christmas pudding sized shit
  • Original songs only, or covers that I don’t know are covers because I couldn’t give a fuck about Christmas songs in anybody’s language
  • I probably forgot a few songs, please don’t add them in the comments below because nobody cares, I will just delete your fucking comment for the good of humanity, we’ve all had enough of this bullshit thanks so much for understanding

 

November 24th – Yodayoung, Hanhae – Mask Christmas

Nothing says “let’s get into the Christmas spirit” more than a cheerful reminder that we’re in the middle of a fucking global pandemic that’s killing millions of people all over the world, as Yodayoung and Hanhae sing about how “all I want for Christmas is no mask”.  Don’t you just love it when k-pop performers remind you about Coronavirus, I mean it’s not like you were aware that there is a pandemic on or were totally sick of hearing about it every day and it basically ruling your life for the past nine months so just as well for the useful information hey.

November 25th – Doritori – Staycation

Look they’re doing the same “two bells on a table = tiddies” thing that EXID also did in one of their videos that one time.  Honestly they get some serious points for sneaking that into the awful Christmas content this year.

November 25th – Ali – Day And Night

If you get your mouse and drag it from left to right over the YouTube time bar, you can find out what happens in the video without being bored to death by the crap music and ultra-slow scrolling.  Spoiler they walk past a tree and a baby.  Wow, excitement.

November 26th – Lee Hae In – Santa Lullaby (We Used To Sing)

I didn’t get the connection to Christmas in this one until I saw “Santa lullaby” in the corner.  I wish I hadn’t noticed because then I could have just deleted this crap.

November 27th – Lunch – Mr. Santa

These girls are not doing an amazing job of faking giving a shit.  Every few seconds you can catch a bored faraway look of “fuck this fucking crap I’d rather be drinking soju and leveling up in Genshin Impact even though it still doesn’t fucking have mouse y axis invert yet, what the fuck are the developers doing, this is 2020 not fucking 1995 get your shit together MiHoYo, inverted y axis is the only true way to play any 3D game everyone knows that” on their faces.  Relatable.

November 30th – Grass, Welove – Welove Christmas

It’s that boring shit but then at 1:39 the drummer has a fucking heart attack for about five seconds and the song threatens to become interesting.  Don’t worry it doesn’t last.

December 2nd – Lee Sieun – Sometimes

She looks pretty fucking miserable for a nugu at Christmas.  I always thought the point of all the twinkly lights were that they were supposed to get people into the festive spirit or something.  I guess she realises it’s all bullshit too, but then why is she singing this.

December 3rd – Budy – Fly High

What a concept!  Imagine the conversation during band rehearsal.  “Okay, guys – we’re going to dress you up as Christmas presents”.  “Sorry, what?  But we have to play instruments!  How is that going to work?”  I can sense the incredible quantities of disdain emanating from all the band members as they put these clothes on.  Those poor cunts.

December 3rd – Stella Jang – Winter Shopping

Stella Jang talks over half of this because she knows this is throwaway junk she created with a loop box in about 30 seconds just like we do, she’s no dummy.  Can you count six original k-pop Christmas songs released over the last six years, without checking through my previous years’ Christmas lists?  I’ll bet you can’t.

December 4th – Gavy NJ – Last Christmas

I couldn’t really be fucked following the drama video of this one and what happens, but it seems somebody gets upset about something or other.  What’s the point of even having a Christmas season when it just seems to be all about crying in drama videos.  I think Korea have the spirit Christmas all wrong, neither Jesus nor Santa gave specific instructions to cry like a bitch about some guy or girl in a video.

December 4th – Ailee – Sweater

Wait… doesn’t Ailee recycle this same shit fucking song every year?

December 4th – Gukkuro Bird ft. Lim Chae Eon, Lee Jung Ah – When It Snows

I nearly deleted this one off the post for ineligibility until I got to the very end and saw the Christmas card hanging up.  Way to fuck it up for yourselves you losers, now you’re in this shitty list that sucks along with all of these other crap songs.

December 5th – Oli London – Christmas In Korea

He knows that you hate him, and that you hate this, and he especially knows that his Korean is terrible.  Unlike everyone else in this list, he’s not here to be liked, he’s here to farm your outrage and have a chuckle over some comments with a glass of red wine and kick back with his sex-industry friends while they snort cocaine off each other’s fake plastic parts.  Unlike your bias with their “so bad” image, Oli really doesn’t give any fucks, if you’re bothered by any of it you would be wise to do the same in return.

December 6th – Oh My Girl Banhana ft. Pororo, Loopy – Snow Ball

Wow it’s a Pororo song so shit that even Pororo himself couldn’t be fucked turning up in the video.  Who would have thought that even the bird has standards.

December 7th – The Boyz – Christmassy!

Unlike most people in this list, The Boyz actually put some effort into their Christmas video, and even drop hints about the weird dating culture that exists in Korea around Christmas time, where people spend it as a couples/dating day rather than a family day.  What a bunch of sad, desperate people.  Song still sucks anyway.

December 7th – ICU Ella – Night Of Noel

Look at all those marks on the lyrics sheet.  No doubt these are all pronunciation guides so someone with probably no command at all of English language knows how to sing the words.  Not a bad strategy but they could have spent all that effort on a better song.  Actually the melody here is dangerously close to an existing carol so I nearly scrubbed this one out but then she did some different notes.  That could just be her fucking up though.

December 8th – Jung Seunghwan – Winter Again

No shit, were they really not able to afford to save a stray cat so they just put one of the agency’s child slaves in a cat suit and said “act like a stray cat”?  Come on man, how hard can it be.  Any cat would have done this crap if there was food in it for them.  Christmas spirit my fucking ass. 

December 8th – Dewsisters, Tgom, Kim Soya, Kn-Ji, Im Eun Been, Havy – Love Challenge

Holy shit these people look really good for a bunch of k-pop nugus.  At least they got the styling right.

December 8th – KwonMilk – When It Snows On Christmas

So-called “indie” artists aren’t above this garbage.

December 9th – Jamie – Christmas

At 1:25 when Jamie dressed in white finds all the other Jamies dressed in white and sits down next to them to have a good old pow-wow, it reminded me of that weird cult that Vice exposed where some Islamic cult leader in Turkey had a bunch of identical girls with obviously exactly the same plastic surgery looking after all his needs and they kept saying weird scripted stuff like “we’re not brainwashed, honest, we just want to be here, we are so independent yay feminism”.  Sometimes I feel like k-pop’s displays of “female identity” aren’t much different to this.

December 9th – Koyote – Odd Imagination

The woman in Koyote is cute actually, but if she’s going to be singing this to me I think I’ll pass.

December 9th – Lee Mingyu – Love U Christmas

You know that shit viral video where they explain why that one crap Mariah Carey song is so popular because it has one specific “Christmas chord” in it, but they don’t even bother to explain anything about WHY that chord works other than to say “it sounds Christmassy” or whatever?  It’s the same kind of circular logic that religious people use: “it must be true because I read it here in this book – how do I know the book is true?  Because the book says so, so it must be true, because I read it here in this book…”.  Anyway if your grasp on logic is about as sound as that you might like this, but you probably won’t.

December 9th – Haeun ft. Dindin – Be There

Oh shit, what is that second chord?  They’re trying to pass it off as “dissonance that resolves” but I think “mistake that we tried to cover up” describes it more accurately.  Mind you this whole song is a mistake really, why not resolve it to a better song by not listening to this but putting something else on.

December 11th – Ddu-A Ddu-Ji – Snowman

Getting kids to do original Christmas songs is honestly too much pressure.  Korean parents are trash, they have no idea.  Just let them sing something they already know and enjoy, don’t ram your goddamn new Christmas creation down their throats just because you’re a failure at life and you’re trying to live vicariously through your offspring.

December 11th – Pengsoo, Kim Tae Woo, Park Jinju – Christmas Returns

I like it how they get their Christmas presents delivered by drones.  If today’s generation of young kids are cool with knowing that Santa is just a microchip and a set of GPS coordinates, maybe they are the cool in-touch-with-reality future young adults we need to drag us out of this age of Internet-driven stupidity.

December 11th – Yunsae – Our Christmas

I get why they look so bored, but I definitely don’t get why they do it anyway.  There surely can’t be any money in this.

December 16th – Lee Hi ft. Crush – For You

Do people really do this in their lounge rooms in Korea, invite their friends over for a “Christmas song jam”?  Because fuck that shit.  If Lee Hi invited me over for this crap I’d say to her “look, every single song you’ve ever done is better than this bullshit you’re making me do right now”.

December 16th – Young Jun, Saay, Dress – Darling

“Darling” barely got over the line as a Christmas song, but there’s a few Christmas cards in the background in some scenes so I guess we’ll let this one through the gate.  What a fucking pity, this list could use one less song like this in it.

December 20th – Antenna 2020 – Our Christmas Wish For You

Surely having a Christmas tree inside an elevator has to violate some type of OH&S standards.  How many takes did they have to throw out because somebody got hit in the scrotum by a tree branch because they bent over to adjust their shoelace or something.  What if the branches  got caught in the lift when the door closed while someone was looking at the decorations and then their head got caught between the branches and the door mechanism.  Someone could have died on this shoot.  Imagine “killed by non OH&S complaint Christmas tree inside an elevator for some shit song nobody remembers” on your tombstone.

December 20th – Soovi, Owell Mood – Jingle All Night

If you think this song sounds shit when it starts, just wait until it gets to the chorus.  It’s a Christmas trap in more ways than one!

December 21st – Ab6ix, BDC, Lee Eunsang – Chandelier

It’s awful, but because of the previous song this one actually comes across as almost acceptable.

December 21st – Oh My Girl Banhana ft. Pororo, Loopy – Snow Ball

Oh wait it’s the same song before from two weeks ago but not only did they remember to include Pororo this time, but another version of this video even had the title misspelled as “Po My Girl”, like he’s actually clawing his way into the group for real now.  We should all be terrified.  The next time I watch “Closer” that bird will fucking turn up in the fucking boat that crosses the river and then we really are fucked.

December 22nd – Jack – Christmas For Everyone

Sorry I don’t even give a shit.

December 23rd – KittiB – Come Rain Or Come Shine (Jazz For Christmas)

What’s a worse Christmas present, jazz or y-fronts?  You decide.  At least the video mrcs

December 23rd – Pororo – Little Rascal Santa

That fucking bird again.  I should have learned how to shoot birds better when I was younger, maybe less birds on the planet would have prevented someone from coming up with the whole concept of Pororo in the first place.  I’d be the hero nobody knew existed.  Fuck the environment, kill everything that flies, fuck it.

December 24th – The Secret Chord – The White Wind Song

This video is sub-titled “the winter story of Jeju island”.  I hope they know the average snowfall density so they can share this information with M.O.N.T.

OH BUT WAIT

VideoRose – Time Again

Wait, what’s this – an actual good song?  Yes!  Okay, calm down it’s not “end of year top 30” good or even “honourable mentions” good, but it’s still “I can actually listen to this for more than 30 seconds without running into the kitchen, grabbing a couple barbeque skewers and inserting them in into my eardrums to make the pain stop” good, which for a k-pop Christimas song, is no small feat.  Just some understated synth pop with some nice melody and a backing track that doesn’t do any jingly-jangly bell-hitting bullshit or any of the other 57 things that normal people don’t like about Christmas songs.  That’s all I ask for these lists.  If I can get one song like this out of them each year, it’s almost worth it.

BONUS CHRISTMAS CONTENT

IU TV – IU gets rage for Christmas

IU doesn’t give a fucking shit.  You can really feel the hate radiating from her a lot more than usual, she hates this shit even more than I do, and she has to actually do it, not just watch.  Thank you for tolerating this bullshit, IU.

We didn’t get any Honey Popcorn content but Yua at least dressed up for us

Also thanks to Yua for looking the part but not boring us with a shit song, much appreciated.

 


That’s all for this list – thank fuck!  Here’s to now ignoring all of these songs for the next year!  Merry Christmas and happy new year to all readers!

6 thoughts on “Kpopalypse’s review of 2020’s anal-licking Christmas k-pop diarrhoea

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