It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!
Iz*one – Panorama
Iz*one back again with that same tinny sound where they pitch everything up slightly and rip the guts out of the midrange at the same time. I could tolerate the annoying production style if they had amazing songs but they really don’t.
Twice – Cry For Me
This song is so crap it didn’t even get a standalone video outside of that stupid award show. The chorus is basically just Maxi Priest’s “Wild World” verse with a different beat added, which probably does actually improve it slightly but it’s still awful.
BoA – Better
There’s been quite a few songs lately where there’s been a decent effort to make a really compelling bassline and rhythm track, and then the rest is just phoned in.
Ben – Lonely Night
Sorry Ben, I can’t come over and listen to you sing this ballad, I’m doing my hair.
Park Soyeon – Flower
This week’s token generic tropical song. Hey it used to be five per week so that’s progress.
NCT 2020 – Resonance
Actually a medley of a bunch of different NCT songs, some better than others. Like any medley ever it’s a bit worthless though, as once you’re getting into one thing it just annoyingly changes to something unrelated.
Oneus – Bbusyeo
I’ve been compiling and working on my end of year lists a lot recently and noticing that in general it’s been an even worse year for boy groups than usual.
Vanner – Form
Someone really went to town on those synths in the chorus. Not sure if it really works but it sure is funny to hear the boys getting drowned out by 1960s laser gun noises.
Super Junior – Raining Spell For Love
At least all of them sitting in one room means lots of perving on Shindong content for my readers.
La Poem – Gleamy Night
Koreans have been reading your vocal forum threads and think that opera singers is what you want. Of course everyone will act like it is, but the truth is that nobody got into k-pop to listen to operatic style music.
Boyhood – Go Yo
This would have been semi-acceptable with literally any other type of beat apart from the one that they used.
Henry – Just Be Me
Hey air traffic control, I just wanna land my helicopter like a normal person and there’s some balladeering dipshit in the way, how long is he gonna take?
BM, Joonhyuk, Sangmin – Bad Manners
Hey if this had a good beat it would have been alright. I actually thought I was going to get one at the start, but no. Where’s BoA’s producers when you need them.
Lowa – Moonday
Yeah, I’m bored.
Rainbow99 – Oreum
See that guy on the far left? He died of boredom. So might you.
Ejae – In The Arms Of Love
Why is Ejae dressed like one of those gross hard candies that are always left in the bottom of the sweets jar once everyone has picked all the chocolate out.
Campo – Lie Down
Watch the drummer do a little drum fill that doesn’t exist at 1:30. The song is so boring that they forgot how to even play it.
Mona – On The Move
That smile really seems weird, I don’t know why. I just feel like she’s taking the piss out of me somehow, like she knows this song is annoying me.
Jisokury – Row & Laugh
Imagine just walking out into the countryside and taking video footage of the most boring shit you can find, and then making that your video.
Gukkuro Bird ft. Lee Jung Ah – Adieu
Qri has a challenger.
Roku – I Miss You
Koreans can even make fast food and alcohol look boring.
Sin Mido – Serenata For The Duchess
I actually am digging the style of it, but the music is just too slow moving and without dynamics. It’s not enough just to sing loudly, the backings need to do more work here.
Truly – Forgotten
She’s seen my latest boobs post and is taking up the challenge.
Jojo – Let Me
Faulocity ft. Somae – Whale City
Fuck this dolphin conservation bullshit. Did you know dolphins are the only non-human animal that kills other animals purely for kicks, including their own babies, and also that they participate in gang-rape? Fuck this song and fuck dolphins, wipe out the entire dolphin population, fuck it. Tuna on the other hand are an endangered species. Why can’t I buy “tuna friendly” dolphin meat?
LimJi – What’s Your Color?
Not quite sure what that collarbone tattoo reads, maybe it’s “actually this isn’t really live”.
Dahee – No Worries
There’s not even that many songs that came out this week and it still seems like way too many.
Arttichoke – I’ll Just Smile
Look at the food wastage. I at least hope the crew at that.
Hyngsn ft. Kim Daniel – Say That I Luv U
Yuria Yoshine’s entry into the k-pop market is duller than expected.
Kid Milli, dress ft. Okasian – Bankroll
Feels like two completely different songs, neither of which are all that interesting. Write some beats already.
Mmary – Fiera
What’s the point of busting out dance moves if the camera shot stops at the waist. This is like those 1950s Elvis live appearances where they wouldn’t shoot his pants while he danced because of the fear his hip movements would corrupt the youth.
Blurrychords ft. Tangtheawesome, Boiled Onion – Red Sign
Still better than BTS.
Blurrychords ft. Khundi Panda, JGP$ – Blue Suit
And by a significant margin.
Luci Gang – Beef
I was waiting all through the song for her to start singing “ribs, into the fiyyyaaaaaahhhhhhhh“, but I guess that’s not what she meant.
GXXD (Girlnexxtdoor) ft. Moon, Blase – Choom Sa Wee
Lots of bloblboolblbwuwbwubwubww, no song.
V.et – Anxiety
S.hit this r.eminds me that I need to take my c.at to the v.et because she’s s.uch a f.atass.
Freaky – Spear + Salute
I guess I’m grateful that this is so heavily Autotuned. I really don’t want to know what this guy really sounds like.
1iL – Kurt Coba1iL
If someone had taken Kurt Cobain into a time machine and brought him to 2020 and then played him this, he probably would have shot himself a lot sooner than he did.
YunB – Lost In Pain
We abduct them and dump them out in the desert with no food and nothing but a gas mask and a reflective suit so they don’t fry to death in the heat, yet they still manage to make crap R&B songs.
NeD – TMI
I stopped watching because he said it was too much information and that seemed like good advice, I didn’t want to disrespect what he was telling me.
Eaj, Keshi – Pillows
Do people really listen to music like this.
Standing Egg – Reminiscence
One of the best things about not having a radio show is I don’t have to play requests for Standing Egg anymore. Mind you they’re not too bad here.
Benaddict – Petal
This guy’s beard is so smoothly contoured it’s like someone drew it on with charcoal.
Frontal Lobe Injury – Toc-Toc Tuc-Tuc
This isn’t the pussiest ballad I’ve ever heard, but it sure as hell is the pussiest ballad I’ve ever heard from a group with such a kickass name.
Nilo – Unnamed Emotion
I love it how ballad videos are so often just the camera perving at some chick and trying to play it off like it’s “meaningful” or whatever. If you looked at a girl for this amount of time in real life you would be arrested.
Kim Hyun Chul ft. Joo Hyunmi – Remind Wedding
Boring ballads that suck aren’t just for the kids.
SoonSoonHee – Seomyun
A “live music video”, outdoors, with no microphone anywhere in sight. They’re not even pretending anymore.
Pu Lip – Good Night
Nice guitar, I wonder if she can play it. For some reason the video is hiding this information.
Earls, Lee Chulho – Be Bop A Lula
They stole the lyrics right out of the Gene Vincent song but I’m not sure what they did with the actual music.
Onee – Wind Letter
Coffee shop songs always have the people in the video behaving like they’re riding high on the autism spectrum. It’s just a paper chandelier, it’s really not worth the ten secomds of your time you just spent staring at it blankly trying to get the spinny circle things into some sort of pleasing alignment.
Gunho, Taeyeon – 2528, 3544 (My Phone Number Is Still The Same)
Sorry Annie, I think this is some other Taeyeon, which is just as well for you because this is some fucking boring shit.
Fishingirls – Fishing King
It’s nice to have some rock but the weak pentatonic vocal melodies and riffs really let this down. This is what happens when rock guitar players don’t know how to write songs so they just play a few blues licks and then try to write their song from that. Fishingirls is to Rockit Girl what Cocosori was to Orange Caramel – all the attitude but only half the songwriting smarts.
“JUST FOR THE TRUE FANS” FUCKING SHIT
UNVS – The Prologue
“For the fans” songs are easy to spot due to their lazy montage videos. These are always terrible.
Holland – Thank You
Holland’s attempt at a “for the fans” song is simultaneously incredibly gay, and nowhere near gay enough.
BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK
Loona – So What (Gap Crush version)
It really drives home how poorly the “So What” video concept clothes suited the Loona members when you see the Loona girls in those clothes and then immediately in much better looking clothes in the very next shot. This proves that they could have worn literally anything except what they had to wear and it would have been a much better video (wouldn’t have saved the song though).
That’s all for this week! As you’ve probably noticed the new releases are slowing down, I reckon there’s probably enough for two more roundups this year before we go into Christmas/new year list mode! Kpopalypse shall return!