It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s take a look at some new releases!

Stayc – So Bad

New group Stay-C’s entry into the 80s trend actually more closely resembles 90s drum and bass, but that doesn’t stop it being way better than average.  A killer chorus melody makes it easy to forgive any flaws.

Stayc – Like This

Their other song is just that typical slow girl group R&B style and should be forgotten about as soon as possible.

Twice – Better

This sounds like all those ill-fitting ‘adult dance’ tracks Girls’ Generation did for their Japanese audience from about 2013 onward.

K/DA ft. Madison Beer, Kim Petras – Villain

The noir style of the video is genuinely impressive, and makes K/DA’s usual “gamer power fantasy by numbers” sound a lot better than it really is.

Coco – Be Quiet

Not Coco from Cocosori, but some other Coco trying to be all “in your area” and some of the beats are okay but the melodic songwriting smarts just aren’t there.

Natty – Teddy Bear

Not much of a song but the video is worth a look just for the concept.  I was waiting for that bear to go all Child’s Play on us but sadly it doesn’t happen.

Jamie ft. Jay Park – Apollo 11

The weak shit that JYP tried to stop Jimin Park from doing.  He was doing us all a favour!

AKMU – Happening

“Nice” music actually sounds good when it’s written properly.  Why are they never in the same scene though, did they have a fight or something.

BTOB 4U – Show Your Love

This song is better than I expected and one crap Latin rhythm away from being listenable.

E’Last – Tears Of Chaos

Not much chaos to be found here I’m afraid.  Too slow and dull.

E’Last – Dangerous

However I think those suits are in fact a bit dangerous – to the boys’ health.  Imagine sweating it out inside those thick clothes, I bet these boys collapse all the time on stage.

TXT – We Lost The Summer

It’s bad, but unlike their labelmates at least it leaves an impression, even if that impression is “what is this fucking shit, take it away and burn it thanks”.  That’s worth something, surely.

T1419 – Row

Seriously, where are the boy groups with the melodic 80’s trend?  Fucking nowhere, that’s where – they’re all stuck still doing shit like this.  I could handle another “Platonic Love” from someone out there but I guess it won’t be happening soon.

Lucy – Snooze

Not as bad as the title might make you suspect, and the violin certainly adds a welcome dimension, but this is nobody’s favourite rock song.

Loren – Empty Trash

Apparently this is the guy who gets his guitar smashed by Rose in the “Lovesick Girls” video.  Good work, Rose.

Max Changmin – All That Love

I can’t stop looking at the edges of Max’s nostrils.  They look perfectly contoured like a spacecraft in a computer game.  I keep expecting little jet plumes to come out of them and for his nose to then gradually launch right off his face, leaving behind a trail of smoke.

Xia – Pit A Pat

Anyone who takes this long to work out that the cube goes in the square-shaped hole fails the baseline intelligence test for a k-pop idol.

Lee Jaejin – Homies

No song with the word “homies” in the title was ever worth your time.  Jaejin here proves that this is the case regardless of genre.

Shateau, Spax – My Rose

How to do Taemin when all you have is a rented hotel and some big red spotlights.

Shateau, Spax – Cuando Tu Me Besas

Just look at that song title and imagine what the song is going to sound like.  Now imagine that you estimated very optimistically.

Nam Seungmin – Twist King

I thought this was going to be a Chubby Checker concept and actually I wasn’t too far wrong.

Laybricks – Paradise

It’s a bit sad when this nugu manages to come up with a better melodic pop song than all the idol boys this week… and it’s not even all that good.

Gomchi – Delusion

A white room will do, folks.  Okay it’s a bit boring but it gets the job done on a nugu budget.  They do look like The Wiggles though, which is disturbing.

Night Off – Because

Actually not awful.  It just needed a better chorus to push it into Oohyo territory.

Ha Hyunsang – 3108

Here’s another song that isn’t as bad as I was expecting.  Too many generic instrumental choices stop it from really being great though.

Lee Juck ft. Jinpyo Kim – Stoning

Wow at 1:30 they actually animated the nugu park roundabout, now that’s commitment.

Ravi ft. 10cm – Leaf

It probably is actually live because Nicholas Cage here doesn’t sound all that great.

Hyungsu Sheen ft. Juvie Train – Power Song

Wow it’s like Einsturzende Neubauten except it sucks.

Bigone – Love Forever

Shit song but if you like watching people kiss this video is definitely for you.

Muddy Red – Gatsby

As usual Korea tries to do The Roots and as usual they have no fucking idea.

The Quiett ft. Yumdda – Bentley 2

Sports cars are a fail.  Think of all the hookers you could purchase if you just bought a normal car instead and kept the change.

Jung Jinwoo ft. Gaho, June, Moti – Rube

If I go into a bar and see the bartenders doing this shit I’m asking to see the manager.

Gree – Look

The “random diverse people getting into your song” video concept doesn’t work that well when they are all dancing in the same insipid way because you told them to.

Keylight – Tryna Get Closer

How did they shoot the food with that grainy light that makes it all look like it’s three weeks old.

Bryn – Cop/Veteran

Bryn has been responsible for some woeful songs, and this is one of them.

Jo Taejun – Busan Groove

Busan kind of looks like shit and the song sucks too, I presume that this is supposed to be “the joke” or something

Kyoungseo – Shiny Star

If you ever do that tin can on a string thing in real life I’ve heard death metal growls sound great.

PLZY – Trust Me

Calling a love song “Trust Me” is like calling a rap song “I promise I’m not a rapist”.  How can we be sure.

Jukjae – Shining, My 2006

More boredom.

Romantic Moment – A Beautiful Person

The girl here is genuinely attractive like a MILF Sulli/Yoyomi combo but the 57 aegyo chain kind of put me off her and I just wanted her to be miserable so she’d quit that fake grinning every three seconds.

Blue Mangtto – I’m Afraid

When they stand around in the fields that’s rarely a good sign.

GB9 – If I Knew

You know when they don’t meet Korean attractiveness standards that they probably do actually have some talent.  Unfortunately “the T-word” is usually a curse, not a blessing, because talented people don’t bother to write good songs, they figure their talent alone can compensate for the lack of a song that’s anything other than generic.  Not so.

RANDOM BONUS VIDEO OF THE WEEK

BTS – Dynamite – rock version by Rolling Quartz

Dynamite is objectively a staggeringly mundane song and giving it the rock treatment proves the point – these girls have musicality and try hard but there’s literally nothing they can do to turn it into an interesting song.  It’s like trying to paint a rainbow with a bucket of gray paint.  Still, I hope it was at least worth it for the increased channel traffic, maybe some more folks will check out their other, much better stuff.

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That’s all for this week – Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!