It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!
Gfriend – Mago
Somewhere musically between the 80s throwbacks everyone else worth a damn is doing and the 70s throwbacks that it’s resembling visually, you don’t need me to tell you this is great. Isn’t it interesting that pretty much only the girl groups are getting this stuff.
Taemin – Idea
In the meantime most of the boy stuff lately sounds like this. When the end of year list is almost all girls, you’ll know why.
Mamamoo – Aya
Oh wow, here is possibly the best Mamamoo have ever looked, apart from all the other times that they looked the best they’ve ever looked, which is actually a lot. No wonder Mamamoo did so well and Spica sunk like a stone even though Spica had way better songs. It’s clear what people prioritise most.
Berrygood – Accio
Maybe now that there’s only four of them Sehyung might stand a shot at being noticed in Berry Good, but probably not.
Secret Number – Got That Boom
Itzy on a budget doesn’t really cut the mustard.
Kaachi – Photo Magic
All criticism of Kaachi can basically be summed up as “she looks like your friend from school who loves k-pop and has always dreamed of being in an idol group and actually is trying to make a half-decent fist of it and you can’t handle it because it’s not you or someone you know”. They’re not that bad, folks. Okay, they’re not that good either, but they’re not any worse than most of everything else this week shat out.
Girlkind – Psycho4U
I’ll certainly take Kaachi over this boring shit any day.
Dahye – Bad Blood
Here’s a song that really needed to be Dreamcatch’ed, it’s a heavy guitar chorus and some fast tempo away from being non-boring.
Bol4 – Red Lipstick
Not the best BOL4 song ever heard, there’s shades of quality in the verse writing, but then it just all goes to shit. Also, whoever thought those “scotch snaps” were a good idea in a song like this should snap their lyric-writing pencil.
Bol4 – Dancing Cartoon
Yeah this sucks too.
CL – +5 Star+
I’ll say it before and I’ll say it again now – CL, just go and Join The Black Eyed Peas already. It would be a legit step up in quality and presence from Fergie plus we’d get a lot less music like this between waiting for Black Eyed Peas albums to drop.
Yoyomi – What If
What if Yoyomi released a song and it wasn’t that great due to having too many bland 50s rock concessions. I mean, 50s rock can be cool, but it isn’t here. What used to be barnstorming rebel music has matured into restaurant dining accompaniment and it’s not cool.
Nida – Please Go Away
A cool bass line helps this song along and Nida looks outstanding given the budget, but I’m not sure about the decision to pitch the chorus vocals way up in the colon-clenching register.
Treasure – MMM
I’m always hopeful when a YG boy group releases a thing, after all BigBang, 2NE1 and now Blackpink all have their occasional quality moments. Can’t they just get the people over there who can write songs in the same room as the people over there who write for Treasure, and just share and compare some notes or something?
Mino ft. Bobby – Ok Man
Really, this is just a computer farting and some BB-creamed boy trying to get us to care.
Super Junior – The Melody
Slightly better than the usual “just for the true fans” crap, I suppose. Shindong is at 2:20 so why not just skip straight there.
B1A4 – What Is Love?
That super-heavy synth bass is most welcome but it really rubs up the wrong way against everything else about the song.
Park Jihoon – Gotcha
If I were commanding that squad I would have said “weapons free, boys – he could be about to sing, let’s not take any chances”.
Ha Sungwoon – Forbidden Island
Not bad but this song REALLY needed a tempo boost. I recommend 1.5x speed.
Jung Daehyun – Amazing
Rather than wearing that fucking hat, maybe try not dancing in the rain in the first place, dickhead.
Jang Woohyuk – She
Just the usual mess of shit Autotune and some crappy beat, nobody got into k-pop to hear crap like this.
Lim Youngwoong – Hero
It’s one of those “big stadium ballads” except nobody cares. I do like that pod-style shielding around the microphone though, I just want an alien face-hugger to jump out of there and start inseminating the guy’s face.
Kim Jeong_uk – I Need You. Period.
You know that gender theorists have gone too far when the guys are going out into the fields and singing about how their menstrual cycle is out of whack.
Primary ft. Sam Kim, Woodz, pH-1 – Bless You
Okay this song is total bullshit, but the video brings up a good point – if you’re going to be a rapper and do all that lame hand waving crap, you might as well actually take it to the next level and learn proper sign-language so at least your awkward flapping around has an actual purpose and you can be some use in society besides a drug and bullet sponge.
E_so – Fado
I’m not sure how she’s floating above the water but I just want to push her in. Not out of any sense of malice, I just want to see if she’s actually alive.
Zemean – Boy
Notice how he’s riding on that bicycle but doesn’t end up actually getting anywhere but just staying on the same little patch of irrelevant side-road throughout while the main traffic that matters happens completely elsewhere in the distance? That’s a pretty apt metaphor for what’s happening here musically.
Jannabi – A Thought On An Autumn Night
I misread this as “Jambinai” at first and thought to myself “wow, these guys really suck now”. Sorry for the misunderstanding Jambinai please don’t skewer my genitals with an icepick thanks.
Mrshll – Starlight
Here’s the other guy who claims to be the first gay pop star in Korea. What Mrshll lacks in sexy on-screen action he sure makes up for with his +10 cloak of belligerent gayness.
Gemini – Broken Love
What a pissweak skateboarding video. Come on people, there are standards for this shit.
Mokyo – Uleum
This one actually says on the credits “Directed by Boring Studio”. Honesty in advertising is worth a few points.
Dynamic Duo ft. Bewhy – Soon
I thought this might actually be alright given that Bewhy has occasionally been rocking a bit lately but no it’s just that fucking crap smooth R&B infused shit yet again.
Loxx Punkman – 108 Afflictions
It’s trying to sound different but still hip-hop like Roots Manuva or something but it just doesn’t quite hit the mark.
DJ Juice, Sikboy ft. Dey – Fuego
People say that 3D printed guns are a real security risk but after watching this I’m not so sure.
Paloalto – Energy
I was about to say this lived up to its name until I realised I still had my YouTube player on 1.5x speed from the Sungwoon track. I put it back to normal speed and it’s boring, sorry.
Junoflo – Fate
Thus guy rhymes “rhymin” with “ramen” here. That’s all you need to know.
Yourbeagle ft. Leellamarz – Love Song
EB – Decaffeine
You know when the song is about coffee, plus they have coffee in the video, and the thing is literally recorded in a coffee shop, that we have reached peak coffee-shop boredom.
Baby Blue – Remember That Time?
This video really made me want to watch the Yua Mikami one with the library scenes instead.
Donggyoung ft. Jung Jin Woo – Tell Me Your Love
She’s just doing all that shit to distract you from the fact that she’s probably shoplifting a ton of crap. Store detectives, it’s the most flamboyant ones that you have to watch, the ones that come up and say hi and pretend they’re your best buddy, they do that so you feel awkward about checking their backpacks. They always get away with it too, because you’re too busy watching some introvert to make sure he’s not stuffing Mars bars in his coat, meanwhile this bitch walked off with half the shop.
Ritz – Fairy Tale
Someone try to tip her off the edge of the roof randomly and then play it off like it’s nothing like that scene from The Room. I just want to see how that plays out in real life.
Lilynote ft. Leesanghoon – Wind, Star
The YouTube thumbnail here gives you a very accurate impression of the raciness and groundbreaking nature of the music within.
Lee Seung Chul, Taeyeon – My Love
Hey Taeyeon looks great when she’s not wearing whatever fancy bullshit SM usually have her dressed in, looking at her in her stylish black cardigan just being kind of chill for once actually makes this annoying song tolerable, unlike that other crap she was in this week that’s an OST so I’m not even going to look at it and where she looks ugly as shit like a Game Of Thrones palace extra.
SP00KILY BORING HALLOWEEN CONCEPTS SECTION
T1419 – Dracula
Random dodgy Halloween makeup in official videos generally isn’t a good idea. Halloween is only for one day but your shit video lasts a lifetime.
B1A4 – Water Drop
There’s something very appropriate about a shit k-pop ballad bringing all the zombies out, because that’s pretty much how it works on YouTube comments sections. Some of these people are really trying to win that “best zombie extra” award by hogging the camera as much as possible, and that’s fine because I really didn’t want to see B1A4 anyway.
ATEEZ – The Black Cat Nero
Oh shit I nearly forgot that fucking Ateez song I also forgot last week. It’s a cover of some old song and honestly, the original is obviously better despite not even being heavy, which is why I assumed nobody gave a shit.
BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK
Eunha and Umji covering their eyes and doing the “Apple” group dance – Knowing Bros
I love it how they try to play this off as cute and impressive, and there’s no denying that there’s at least a little of both those elements in play, but what this video is more than anything else is scary. If we want to talk about Halloween concepts, let’s talk about underage boys and girls being tricked into indentured servitude, forced into extreme dieting and an environment of constant negativity from which they can’t escape, gradually turning them into performing seals who can execute precise moves blindfolded within centimeters of tolerance. Maybe it isn’t like that, but the anecdotal evidence collected from others suggests that maybe it is. That’s a more frightening possibility than any guys and girls dancing around in zombie makeup or Harry Potter costumes, at least for my money.
That’s all for this week – Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!