It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!
Loona – Why Not?
The last 20 seconds when they add the harmony parts in is actually really quite good, but it’s a long trek through a whole lot of absolute fucking bullshit to get to that point at the end where they finally fit it all together.
NCT U – From Home
At least Loona tried, NCT’s latest is cookie-cutter to the extreme.
Weeekly – Zig Zag
It’s got a nice beat plus they’re making guitars cool with girls again, let’s hope that works out – it’s just lacking a little in the melody which is a real shame because this could have been outstanding.
Blackswan – Tonight
It’s got a nice beat plus they’re making guitars cool with girls again, let’s hope that works out – it’s just lacking a little in the harmony which is a real shame because this could have been outstanding. Let’s put Blackswan and Weeekly’s songwriters together and see if they can come up with something, how about it.
Okay Girl Group – You Don’t Know My Mind
It’s okay. Accurate group title of the week.
Refund Sisters – Don’t Touch Me
I’m going to use this fan-made MV for the roundup because all the live stages sound like shit with the backing track too low in the mix. Given that the backings are really the only good thing about it, I thought they deserved their fair shot more than the actual performers.
Yours – My Memory Is Yours
Now this is more like it. It’s a bit lacking in light and shade but knowing how to put melody and chords together makes a big difference.
Hint – Eh-Oh
A piece of shit, sadly. Anyone hoping for something even close to “Tang Tang Tang” get ready to have your soul crushed.
Lee Suhyun – Alien
I’ve been telling people for years that Suhyun is the most attractive woman in k-pop, some other people might start realising soon now. Pity about the song sounding like it was shat out of Jamiroquai’s ass but that’s okay because while anyone can theoretically produce a good tune, only Suhyun can look like Suhyun.
Punch – I Miss U
Punch is the only artist in the whole of k-pop who actually sounds better when she’s on OSTs than anywhere else.
Seventeen – Home;Run
Seventeen still don’t have a song yet that’s capable of making me feel any emotions at all. They’re “the other BTS” in that respect, but at least BTS have “War Of Hormone”.
B1A4 – Like A Movie
Trigger warning: timestop and furries in the one video.
Verivery – G.B.T.B.
I like how a ton of the song has that lowpass filter slapped on it like someone threw the sound system in a lake. Clearly the producer had the same thought that I did.
M.O.N.T – Anti-Hero
Easily the best song by M.O.N.T by a huge margin. Also after my feedback on previous videos that they weren’t keeping up their patriotic apperances, they thoughtfully put co-ordinates in this video so you can triangulate their exact location and confirm that yes they are on Korean land.
Chen – Hello
Whoever wrote Yoona’s ballads definitely was on annual leave when it was Chen’s turn.
Ryeowook – Calendar
Why they cranked up Ryeowook’s sibilance in this awful ballad to Tzuyu ASMR levels I have no idea because all it does is accentuate his lisp, but that girl in the video is pretty attractive, which no-name k-pop group is she from I wonder.
Ayno – No Lie
That doll I made in high school home economics class (not the golliwog one, the other one) just learned to sing and it sucks.
Kim Wooseok, Lee Eunsang – Memories
If a song on Brandnew Music is over a year old, can it be reported to YouTube and deleted on the grounds of false advertising? In 12 months let’s try!
Dawn – Butterfly
It’s a better song than his other one, but not by much. All I could think of while watching it is how annoying it must be to wear sunglasses with their brand printed so big on the actual lenses, and how that must not be safe while driving because it might obscure oncoming semitrailers. You don’t want to take chances with Korean traffic.
Han See In – Border
Some cool minimalism and ambient vibes make what could have been super-boring into something really cool. All you ballad-likers, listen to this and learn what slow songs can sound like when someone doesn’t just follow the same boring template over and over like a cunt.
Oh Saem – Laundry
Accurately recreates the boredom of waiting for your clothes to dry.
Dynamic Duo, Ha:tfelt, Snzae, Thama, Sole – Natural Mineral
Dymanic Duo actually came to Australia a while back and played in Darwin for some music festival (and nowhere else in the country – go figure). I thought about going but then I remembered that most of their stuff just sounds like this and it didn’t seem worth a two-day drive across a fucking desert that kills 40 people per year.
Sway D, Paloalto, Huckleberry P, Jerd, Jowonu – U Dunno
It’s like a bad joke – how many rappers does it take to write a song that just gets “eh” in Kpopalypse roundup?
Chancellor, Babylon, Bibi, Jiselle, Twlv – Automatic
Loco ft. Heize – Can’t Sleep
I reckon I’ve eaten that particular fast food burger at Carls Jr. What an overrated hole that place is, “better than Maccas” my ass.
Wolftyla ft. Jay Park – Butterflies
Jay Park’s weekly appearance isn’t anything interesting. Jay take a break, surely you’ve earned enough frequent flyer points by now to redeem a week off from being a guest in other people’s shit R&B videos.
Rudals – Freewill 2020 Freestyle
“Freestyle” used to mean “completely 100% improvised rap” but the meaning has become so bastardised that now it basically just means “a rap”.
Gwangil Jo – Memoirs
This one seems really lyrics-driven with all that impressive dynamics, I’m sure I would like this a lot more if I knew what he was on about. I guess some things just don’t translate that well.
Mavin – Sunday Vibes
No song ever called “Sunday Vibes” was any good, or ever will be any good. It’s a technical impossibility. You could rename Celtic Frost’s “Into The Crypts Of Rays” something like “Summer Vibes” and it would suck too. Oh wait, Celtic Frost actually did that and pulled it off. Well, shut my mouth.
Yoil – Pig
Freeze-frame this one at 0:17 and there’s your review.
Igwi – Reminisce
This type of ballad is the enemy.
Jeong Hyo Bean – Breakups
This girl is really very pretty, which just makes the shit song and the constant camera dissolves even more annoying than they otherwise would be. How they made slow fades even more unwatchable than a hyper-edited T-ara video is beyond me but they’ve actually done it.
Lim Jaehyun – Framed
This video has the right idea. This is what to do with ballad singers.
Han Dong Geun – The Road
This heartwarming video shows that even if you’re a tubby bastard there’s still hope, you can be a shit ballad singer just like anyone else. Live your dreams.
Kim Hyun Joong – A Bell Of Blessing
It’s time for millennial whoops galore as Kim Hyun Joong reminds you that you should be into religion or something. I guess if you’re in the hospital for multiple bruises from your abusive partner it helps to have someone to pray to.
Rockit Girl – Butterfly
I guess they had to have a shit song eventually. It’s good to know that even Rockit Girl aren’t perfect, it makes my own highly imperfect ass feel better about life.
BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK
Lee Suhyun “Alien” live – MBCkpop
What a lot of people don’t get about “idol vocals” is that it’s actually really hard to sing properly and do typical k-pop dance routines at the same time, just because of the physical exertion required to do both often involves using the same muscles in different ways. Good singers sing with their whole body, it’s not just a mouth and throat movement. Suhyun sings better than almost all of them, but she sounds worse than most of them here because she’s actually singing too much and her body movements interfere with her ability to deliver that busy melody. Of course when the big chorus comes in she sounds a lot better, and that’s because the backing track pretty much completely takes over, you can actually hear the same slight flanging/phase-shifting on the vocal there that you can hear on the recording, so you know she’s not really singing it because that type of vocal effect is more than just a button press. If someone who can sing as well as Suhyun is struggling through half of it and outright faking the other half, imagine how much more your bias is faking. This paragraph is a serious analysis and totally not an excuse to justify putting two Suhyun videos in one roundup.
That’s all for this week – Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!